When Did You Know It Was Over?

teaandtalk · 2018-09-09T04:04:31+00:00

Oh honey. That sounds really difficult, and there's no easy way out of this. The punching things in front of you, and verbal abuse, are massive red flags for future physical abuse. Even if they're not: do you want to have children with someone who will scream at you until you're sobbing?

Can you afford to break the lease? Can you afford a hotel room, or do you have any friends who would let you stay in on their sofa?

Personally, I'd say that the verbal abuse, in itself and assuming no extenuating circumstances (I'm thinking 'his parent just died' as an extenuating circumstance, not 'he had a bad day at work' fwiw) would be a dealbreaker to me. I've never abused my husband in that way, nor has he ever me.

twopinkshoes · 2018-09-09T04:02:07+00:00

Between the past addiction, the lying, and the violent temper I'd advise not just breaking up, but cutting ties completely. Focus on yourself and how to recognize these bad traits in any future partners. On a personal note I'm sorry you're going through this. Please leave before he hurts you.

KalenTheGreat · 2018-09-09T13:06:42+00:00

Tl;dr Make a note, in a diary or in your phone. At the end of each day, ask yourself, "If every day were like today, would I leave or stay?" Then put an X or ✓ for each day. There is no set time or set ratio, but just look at it after a couple of weeks. And imagine whatever ratio that is being the rest of your life. That will give your answer. And if you gotta go, know that you won't feel the crushing loneliness you're afraid of. You'll feel free, even if you feel emotionally dependent on him now.

I have been in a situation similar. I was with a guy for 5 years, from the time I was 16 until just after I turned 21. He was as lazy as you could imagine, and getting him to do anything was practically impossible. He made me feel like I was a nagging cunt for just asking him to do the dishes (we split the bills half-and-half). On top of that, he was ALWAYS texting other girls. Most of the time it wasn't sexual, but sometimes it was. He would go on dating sites constantly, and even ended up meeting with some of the women he found on there. Eventually cheating. He didn't have any kind of an anger problem, but he had an utter apathy problem.

I know the situations don't seem too similar, but they have something in common: they cause a perpetual state of unhappiness.

Nothing I did could change a single thing about the way he acted. Whether I talked to him about making it work for hours, or went stoic for days. The fact of the matter was that he didn't give a fuck about me, as a person, how I felt about him, nothing. And the weird part is he didn't even realize it. He thought he loved me. Because we were too young and inexperienced to have had a true functioning relationship. I thought I had perspective but I really didn't at all. I kept thinking that everyone went through this same shit in relationships. I thought he was the one for me and that we had to make it work.

I finally decided to leave him when I met a man I worked with. Not because I left him FOR the man, but because I learned that the man was basically me in 5 years if I didn't GTFO. He was in a miserable marriage. It always had problems, but it had enough good times he thought it just needed work. But it. Never. Changed. Every week of his marriage was an average of bad. She was insufferable but he thought it could be made better and their potential would turn into being happy one day...

Relationships are what they are. They don't change drastically. What you two are now is pretty much what you will always be. If you aren't happy, on average, from day to day, then you gotta go. Gotta. It's scary af (I also lived hundreds of miles from my family alone with him. I just found a super cheap apartment and started from there) I know you'll be terrified that you'll feel crushing loneliness, but it was totally different than I expected. I thought I would cry every day, but I was SO happy! I didn't feel alone, I felt free.

And then not too long after I met my now-husband and we are happy af. I didn't think relationships could be this good. But if I hadn't realized I wanted to be happier and left my ex, I would never have known that I could be.

_TheFantasticMrsFox_ · 2018-09-09T04:22:47+00:00

Oh dear- I just want to give you a hug- this sounds really hard.

If I can ask, what are you arguing about when he lashes out in such a way? I am in no way excusing him or think there is justification for lashing out with physical or verbal abuse on a partner so I’m asking for the full picture. Does this happen in a 0-60 scenario? Does this happen only when everything else is going wrong? Either way, I think there are more red flags here than necessary for me, personally, to stay with a person like this. Especially since things like substance abuse, lying and anger issues are all things that can escalate and ruin a relationship in their own vacuum- let alone together.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-09-10T15:24:06+00:00

My father had a similar, violent temper and my previous (and first) boyfriend sexually abused me.

So this is the type of man you've imprinted on. You need to get out, and recalibrate the kind of man you want to be with, and find him.

Money's just money. Get out before it goes bad. Break the lease. Go home to family.

Edit: And learn how to spot and avoid damaged men. There are plenty of whole ones to pick from. There's a MRP saying: "Don't stick your **** in crazy." But this applies to women too, only for them it should be, "Don't date damaged men. You can't fix them."

Truth is, you can't fix a damaged man. He can only fix himself, and oddly enough many of the things that women do for their man, make him LESS likely to fix himself. Women enable bad male behavior in many ways.

Don't be that woman. Stick to healthy men.

[deleted] · 2018-09-09T05:48:47+00:00

Your example of his behavior sounded similar to my father, however my mother intentionally provoke my father almost 100% of the time to piss my father off to throw and break objects around the house.

Assuming you are innocent and this is a one way street anger problem then yes this is a huge problem. Like huge! Losing temper from 0-100 is lack of self discipline, hence... texting his ex for emotional crutch.

I’m sorry.

teaandtalk · 2018-09-09T12:36:23+00:00

Everyone else has pretty well covered the abuse aspect of your post, so I'll just answer the title question.

I knew it was time to leave when his home emergency management plans didn't include me. It was the smallest, most subtle thing. Almost like he forgot.

We'd been having problems for our entire relationship, but that was the moment.

It was like the tiniest little voice inside me went "oh, I'm not included. He doesn't want to keep me safe". And I woke up from the dream I had that he was 'the one'. It took me another month or so and another spectacular argument to leave. But that was the moment.

19_LadyScarlet_90 · 2018-09-09T21:01:42+00:00

I'm so sorry, dear- this sounds tough. I was in a rough spot at your age as well, so I really feel for you.

The lying & the anger are both big "no" items in my book, and I dealt with that in several relationships when I was your age. My first bf I dated from age 17-19 was a very angry, immature guy who spent his money like crazy, borrowed from me without repaying, & often took his anger out on me- yelling, screaming, etc. The night I knew it was over, though, was when i had just moved outta my parents' place. We were arguing in my apartment, & he stood up from the couch & approached me with his fist raised- I thought he was going to hit me. The thought of having to grab the floor lamp next to me to defend myself flashed through my mind. It was that moment I knew it was over. We fought all the time, & I knew I didn't want to stay with someone who made me feel like i needed to protect myself from him.

I had a couple more short term relationships that didn't work out- low value, creepy/ weird, different beliefs, etc. Then I met my ex husband. We were only together about 9 months when we married. It was after the wedding that the red flags I ignored during the dating process became BANNERS. The lying, the wild spending, the laziness... wow I could write a book on that. Idk if there was a specific moment that I knew i needed to end it, but it certainly was cumulative. He went on to have an online affair & later confessed he hadn't dealt with his homosexual tendencies (another no for me) & was getting into gay furry porn. I lost respect for him, and I couldn't even look at him anymore. We divorced after 3 years of marriage. It was like cutting a huge, cancerous tumor out of my life when he left.

I know saying it is cliche, but people rarely change. After all, you can't do it for them- they can only change themselves, and that's if they even want to. Do you respect him? It doesn't sound like he respects you. If you are concerned for your safety- try to get out as fast as you can. I just don't see this improving. Very sorry :(. But speaking from experience, habitual liars & dangerously angry men DO NOT make good mates. Get out while you can.

xelaandra23 · 2018-09-09T04:33:32+00:00

If you have to ask, it's probably over.

EmotionalSupportRat · 2018-09-10T17:06:48+00:00

Can you get psychotherapy covered via your insurance? The way your dad was primed you for violent boyfriends. Before going into any new relationship, it is important to work on not being somebody that violent guys see as prey. He does not have his shit together and you deserve better. If there were kids involved and you were old, maybe one could think about going the extra mile and entertaining the idea of therapy....but not in this case.

FrecheKitty · 2018-09-11T15:51:01+00:00

You should take time to rethink your choice in men for your present and past relationships, as it seems like there is a recurrent theme of abuse, whether it is of physical or verbal nature.

Ask yourself what causes this choices in your life and what you can do to change it? What leads you to stay for such a long time in a bad relationship, in which your partner doesn't respect you?

I wouldn't consider entering a new relationship before resolving those inner issues and working on yourself - otherwise you will end up in an other partnership with an abusive person.

Write down the signs before/ at the beginning of the relationship which indicated the negative characteristics of your partner that lead to your decision to end the relationship/ the red flags you tried to ignore. Also define for yourself in writing what your future relationship should look like. How you wish to be treated and write down red flags, that disqualifies a man as a partner for you. This will help to redefine your screening process for the future.

Olaf_Bezerker · 2018-09-12T02:46:58+00:00

I think you need to leave him, and get therapy to investigate why you might have found 2 abusive men in a row. Abuse isn't your fault, but sometimes we - especially those of us whose parents were abusive - find ourselves sucked into the lives of other abusers.

There are so many good men in this world. He is not one of him. Please put yourself first and leave him, There is no reason you need to try to talk yourself into staying with him or come up with things that make up for his abusive (yes, abusive) behavior. You aren't even married. Get out of this before you're married and have children, please.

CalvinRichland · 2018-09-09T04:33:16+00:00

Sounds like a real catch

cynicalhousewife · 2018-09-09T14:59:54+00:00

He sounds explosive, and like he has a lot of pent up anger and emotional pain. This obviously comes out on you when you when your relationship puts him in a situation that makes him feel negatively.

He hasn't matured enough to be able to control his emotions in everyday situations and come face to face with his demons.

It's up to you if you want to work through this with him, or walk away. He may become a better man in the future, he might not. You may always be having these explosive arguments where he shouts in your face and he may always have a low tolerance to stress and anger. It all depends if this is something you are willing to deal with in the context of the relationship with him.

You are never going to find a man who is perfect. What faults are you willing to put up with and where do you draw your own line when it comes to your own personal expectations? Personally, constant, dramatic displays of anger and verbal abuse would eventually drive me away, particularly if this was a regular occurrence.

I know couples however who have rowed regularly like this for many, many years and they are otherwise content in their relationship and they stay together because they feel rewarded in every other area of their relationship. They blow off steam, then they forget about it and go back to living their daily lives. This is your call, but it sounds like a big problem for you, especially since you can't give as good as you get and his displays of anger put you in a weak position. The couples I know who stay together tend to yell and get fired up with each other, then they forget about it quite quickly.

Title	When Did You Know It Was Over?
Author	twopinkshoes
Upvotes	21
Comments	36
Date	September 9, 2018 2:58 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9e9wf8/when_did_you_know_it_was_over/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-did-you-know-it-was-over.67601 https://theredarchive.com/post/67601

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