Joint account joke

sir_wankalot_here · 2015-08-18T09:10:08+00:00

Joint account means you fill up the account, she drains it. Just say no.

Nebulose11 · 2015-08-18T11:06:21+00:00

Omg. What a bunch of pussies in here. She is looking for boundaries. Set them.

UrsusG · 2015-08-18T11:28:20+00:00

For me it felt like it was something that she was trying to push onto me to get the upper hand

Your hunch is correct, this is exactly what she's trying to achieve.

When you pointed that out, she realized you're smart and cautious about the issue and THAT is what upset her.

The fact that you're on your guard about finances is pissing her off, for obvious reasons.

EDIT:

Guys here are too fast with the 'next her' advice. Setting the world on fire just because the bitch pushed for more power is not reason enough to break up with her.

If she pushes the issue again, tell her in a calm, confident, but non-aggressive, non-snarky, non-condescending and non-butthurt way that you're not going to share accounts because of principles.

IllimitableMan · 2015-08-18T12:29:33+00:00

And so the mind games begin.

when I asked how much it was she said "don't worry about it we're going to have a joint account soon anyway".

For me it felt like it was something that she was trying to push onto me to get the upper hand. (I earn significantly more than her)

Despise the free lunch.

I mentioned that to her and she said that she said it in a joking way and now I've upset her.

She's playing the victim. She's noticed your suspicion of her intent, so, like a typical woman in an argument, she's trying to deflect/shift focus on to how you've upset her and need to be more sensitive blah blah blah. She's weaponising her weakness (comes innately to women.) If you buy into that narrative, guess what the next move is? "I felt like you didn't trust me, if you did, you wouldn't mind sharing accounts" and then the next "if you trusted me, we'd have a joint account, but if you don't trust me, I'm not sure where this is going." Or something to that effect.

Total fucking manipulative bullshit - standard girl flavour. A lot of chumps fall for this shit too. What a shitty, underhanded, insidious way to try and get at a guy's money. Fucking incredible. You don't even have to be surprised to be amazed.

She's trying to score brownie points, guarantee in future when shit hits the fan she'll go "I got your dry cleaning and this is how you treat me!" The thing is, she has the plausible deniability of saying it's an offhand comment and that she just wanted to treat you. We can only chime in based on what you've told us. But you were actually there. Follow your instincts. What are they telling you? Is this some sleek power game or is it harmless? Jokes tend to be based on truths/half truths, and women aren't funny.

forscienceyeah · 2015-08-18T12:09:30+00:00

Guys, he's gonna look a little insane breaking up with her just over that. I'd probably say something later along the lines off, I know its joke, babe, because I doubt it'll happen any time soon. Or just say you were joking back and tell her not to take the whole 'upper hand' comment so seriously. Mirror back.

Then if she EVER mentions it semi-seriously again, you can always fall back on, ''Remember all that kerfuffle about how it was a joke? I don't think that's the right way to go''

LoL-Guru · 2015-08-18T11:52:22+00:00

This seems a little too simple and I'm surprised it hasn't come up yet, but...You can always ask her why she wants a joint account.

We all think we know the reasons she does but putting her on the hot seat and having her highlight her intentions is a good way to open up about how it would put you at a disadvantage. If you can't at least talk openly with your girlfriend then you might want to consider not dating her anymore. Strong and open lines of communication coupled with trust are the only way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Provision is unfortunately a part of the male/female paradigm and somewhat hardwired into her biology. Somewhere between 26-31 her brain puts up a big red flashing sign that reads "BABY" in the back of her thoughts and she is now looking for provision to support that biological imperative.

You might find she wants a family and you don't (yet?). I hope sitting down and talking with her openly works for you two. Good luck!

Wiindu22 · 2015-08-18T12:05:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

mrmeyhemn · 2015-08-18T08:17:22+00:00

it wasn't a joke, you didn't respond the way she wanted so it "became" a joke. she was testing the water. you're only a step away from her spending your money at will.

how to tackle it? cut and run, she is only going to tighten the noose from here on. call this one quits and find a new one, or a few plates.

edit: shes "upset" because her feelz give her the upper hand when you cater to them and "try to smooth everything over". her goal with the "huuuurt feeeelz" is to get you to cave and say with a sweet, faggoty voice "ok sweetheart, lets go add you to my account and get you your very on card to swipe at will."

don't you dare fall for that shit.

Banchamekk · 2015-08-18T11:04:04+00:00

Just tell her as a matter of fact that you will not have joint accounts ever and that you expect the woman you are dating to provide for herself and pay her bills herself. Of course you have to be OK with her leaving you over this and if you are chances are she will not.

Gilgs · 2015-08-18T08:51:30+00:00

"she said it in a joking way and now I've upset her." LOL What?!

This woman is trying to manipulate you with emotions, guilt trip, (AWALT), obviously she's not joking about the matter.

DEFCON 1 red flag - Time to move on mate, women are not in short supply. Give her the money of the dry cleaning and then say your goodbyes and good riddance.

CryptoManbeard · 2015-08-18T12:04:34+00:00

Standard female manipulation 101.

Women fear rejection, they can't handle it like you can. She can't come out and say, "Let's share accounts." Because if you say no she'll cry herself to sleep for a month. So she sends out a little quip. If you bite, she's in. If you don't, she says it was a joke.

Then, she "gets upset" and now you're on the defensive. "I'm sorry baby I didn't mean it...here let's share bank accounts." Game, set, match.

You only win this game by flipping it on her. "Joint accounts? Sweet! Shopping spree!!" "I already share my account with my wife". If she calls you a jerk or an asshole, you're doing it right.

You can't give in to her when she's upset about something dumb, that's what women do, they use emotional warfare. It's not your job to kiss her ass everytime her feelings get hurt.

Lord_shitmeister · 2015-08-18T12:14:03+00:00

Don't EVER do it, that's the kind of stuff that would create a legal precedent of you giving her money, which she can sue for after breakup. If she's going to leave you over that, you'll KNOW why she was there to start with.

Keep frame, calm, respectful and say no with firm, tranquil determination.

Rhenthalin · 2015-08-18T12:42:49+00:00

Remain firm on not having a joint account. Don't be the one to bring it up again. You know what she is after. You don't have to break up with her, but you can expect that she will start looking elsewhere for a beta provider according to Brifaults law. That doesn't mean you won't be able to get it in but she may start picking fights more often as an excuse to eventually leave

bourbonhipster · 2015-08-18T12:25:33+00:00

theres always at least 50% truth behind every woman's jest.

If you are cool where you are at with her, let her joke about it. dont give her feedback either way of your intention. It might drive her a little crazy but at least will keep you in control of the situation.

InflatableRaft · 2015-08-18T12:45:55+00:00

Personally, I reckon you fucked up. Her going out and picking up your dry cleaning and paying for it without asking was her doing something nice for her man. When she showed up with it, all you had to do was say "Cheers babe!" and give her a slap on the arse or ruffle her hair. She gets good feels because you acknowledged that she did something nice for you and she likes you more based on the Ben Franklin effect. Instead, you sperged out and now the nice thing she did for you just started a fight and you're on TRP looking for answers.

Specifically on the joint account, if you're in a common law state or a Commonwealth nation, then you need to be aware that shared finances is one of the things judges look for when determining whether a common law marriage or defacto relationship exists.

Hypnot0ad · 2015-08-18T13:04:56+00:00

She probably mentioned it jokingly to gauge your reaction (aka shit test). If you are for it, great for her! She can spend away with little worries. You shut her down as you should have. It's hard to tell from your description but you may have come across as butt-hurt about the suggestion. Sounds like you accused her of being manipulative and put her on the defensive. This would have been a good opportunity to brush it off jokingly - e.g. I would have probably joked that she should go find a sugar daddy or something like that. Treat it like the shit test that it was.

The important thing is that you struck down the idea, now you just need to not back down and maintain frame.
Don't ever get a joint account unless you get married. I am married and have one with my wife, but we also each have our own individual checking accounts. I make twice what she does so each month I transfer 2/3 of the monthly average common bills into the account and she transfers 1/3. We use that to pay the common bills like mortgage, utilities, and groceries and keep our own account for everything else. Works out well and keeps her accountable for her share of the bills.

anibustr · 2015-08-18T13:10:01+00:00

People say break up but I think thats overreacting and doesn't solve the problem, it disposes the whole deal.

Just state somehow that a joint account is not gonna happen.

ostroman1989 · 2015-08-18T11:06:13+00:00

its just amazing how easily most women hold frame with those kinds of things.

not even sure if she knows deep down she lifted a red flag.

flatox · 2015-08-18T13:19:27+00:00

It's an obvious shit test. She can't make a joint account without you agreeing and giving information to the bank.

heyImMattlol · 2015-08-18T13:39:03+00:00

Based on this post alone, we don't know your history in this relationship. And exactly what you said to her afterward. But it sounds like she did something nice for you and made a joke about it and you took it way too seriously.

If you're worried about "losing frame", just agree and amplify next time. "LOL you're right, we should really think about setting up your shoe expense account soon."

This is nothing to get upset or worried about unless she seriously requests to go to the bank to actually create a joint account. This is when it would be a good time to be firm with her and set boundaries.

lnTheRearWithTheGear · 2015-08-18T13:43:25+00:00

Joint accounts are bad even if you're married. My plan moving forward is to have a joint savings that we both contribute equally to for things like vacations, but otherwise she will spend money as fast as I can make it.

RedSovereign · 2015-08-18T13:43:56+00:00

Post questions to /r/asktrp.

chewy_dragee · 2015-08-18T13:44:19+00:00

You shouldn't have asked about what it meant. It was a teeny tiny shit test/ tease and you fucked it up.

JeanValjean197o · 2015-08-18T13:49:50+00:00

This is one of the ways women manipulate men. They drop hints and suggest things and if you call her on it she'll say she was just joking or you are too serious and then act hurt or offended.

It's passive aggressive.

I don't know what the RP method of handling things are, but whenever a woman tries to push somewhere I don't want to go I like to have a little talk with them.

I sit down with them with no other distractions and ask her about whatever it is she wants. In this case it would be the joint account.

After she gives me her "feelings" on it I point out the risks (particularly to me) and ask her if she thinks this would be a good financial decision for me.

If she says, "No", then that's the end of it and she has basically agreed that we won't have a joint account.

If she says, "Yes" (even though it clearly is a bad idea and I've explained it to her) then I ask her to clarify why. When she cannot do that I then point out that she's advocating a course of action that could harm me and does she think that's the kind of thing that a person who cares about someone else should do to them?

Perhaps someone else would ignore it as just a relationship quirk, but I don't trust women for shit so I make sure I use these moments as an opportunity to figure out what she's really thinking and how she really feels.

If she admits she's out to screw me then it's over.

BTW, never have a conversation with a woman while you are distracted. Women seem to love to talk to me while I'm watching TV or a sporting event. I think they do this because they know I'm only giving her half my attention and she can pull a fast one on me. Whenever a woman does that then turn off the TV. If she protests that you don't have to turn off the TV then tell her to wait until a commercial. Then turn the TV completely off and look her right in the face and have her ask her questions.

Surprisingly, I don't get interrupted while watching TV anymore.

nantucketghost · 2015-08-18T13:20:22+00:00

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fullanalpanic · 2015-08-18T14:19:21+00:00

If it's a casual relationship and she's making that kind of joke, then there is definitely something illogical in her way of thinking. In this context, it would make sense for you to question her motives.

On the other hand, if you guys are in a committed relationship and genuinely expect to get hitched in a few years, then I think this situation could have been handled a lot more effectively.

This is the perfect opportunity to lay out the groundwork for financial goals and responsibility. Push for saving and investing in retirement. Emphasize that you want her to be able to take care of herself. Ask for transparency -- not that she has to report every single purchase she makes but that she should at least have the courtesy to give you the cost of something if you ask. Obviously, do this over the course of several months, organically, so it doesn't feel too much like lecturing. Say you read something online and are now a lot more sensitive about your future so you need to see if she is on the same page, financially.

This is important because if you are thinking about marriage, then you need to make sure you share the same ideas and values about the three main reasons for divorce: money, sex, and kids. Money is always first.

I started a joint account with my LTR purely for savings. We contribute to it proportionately (2:1 ratio, since I make twice as much). If you believe your relationship is ready for that, then try it out and see how it goes before you do joint checking. Savings technically has the same level of risk but there's an implicit abstraction of the money not being available for spending.

Once you have her in the habit of respecting your and her own money, you won't have to worry about her draining any accounts you open together. Since you've already upset her, just be careful with how you approach it. Otherwise, she might double-down on her beliefs, hamster, go to her friends for validation, and think even more strongly that she's entitled to your (aka "our") money.

Soriq · 2015-08-18T13:43:08+00:00

The "it was just a joke" is literally like page one of the female handbook.

You know what you felt and why you reacted the way you did. Don't let her play that shit on you

Title	Joint account joke
Author	Wiindu22
Upvotes	70
Comments	69
Date	August 18, 2015 8:01 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3hf6kq/joint_account_joke/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/joint-account-joke.35651 https://theredarchive.com/post/35651

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