The Forever Girlfriend Phenomenon: Why do guys do this, and why do girls put up with it?

cryptohobo · 2021-12-08T03:03:41+00:00

Yep; when men do this it’s to leave one foot out in case something better comes along so he’s not tied down and has an easier way to dip. Not necessarily to go be with another woman (though that’s very common of course). He thinks doing this allows him to keep his options open and be able to reclaim his freedom more easily if shit hits the fan. Deep down the men that do this are scared and just outright selfish cowards. Common among men who have avoidant attachment styles. Also common among men who have witnessed a lot of divorce/separation around them growing up or have a lot of divorced friends who complain about their exes a lot.

On the other hand a forever girlfriend sticks with this because she likely has an anxious attachment style she hasn’t resolved from childhood yet. Or because she has low self-esteem and knows she’ll scare the guy away if she asserts her needs so it’s better to stay quiet/a pickme and accept the illusion of a stable long-term commitment than to face the fear of being single. Or because she thinks he will suddenly have an epiphany and realize he must marry her after 13 years of dating lol (“he finally picked me!”). Or because of the sunken cost fallacy (“well I invested 13 years, it’s too late for me to walk away/start over!”). Or because she’s in denial over her relationship actually being a veneer of a lifelong commitment. Or because she’s scared of the perceived judgment she’ll get from others over ending her long-term relationship, especially if she’s played up the facade that her and her partner are solid. Or because she’s negotiated to herself that this is acceptable, that she even wants this and that it’s a better arrangement (“marriage is just a piece of paper!”). Or because her partner manipulated her into believing it’s better they never get married. Or because she doesn’t realize this isn’t normal or healthy to accept or want. Or because she lacks the self-respect to walk away. Or because she thinks it’s better to be led on than to be alone.

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-12-08T03:10:52+00:00

I've seen a few different versions of this, not necessarily because the guy doesn't want commitment. My current neighbor is a woman in her early 40es, living with her bf of 8 years, they both have kids from previous marriages that live with their ex-partners. She told me she will never marry again or have more kids, but she "needs a man around to do work", they have separated everything, he's really committed to her (and seems to be more into her than she is into him).

Then, I know a woman that was my supervisor at work in her mid-30es, has been with her bf for 12 years while they both worked on their Ph.D.'s and careers in different fields. They are childfree and not interested in marriage due to high earning /businesses/assets they both have on both sides.

moxymoxalone · 2021-12-08T03:13:06+00:00

I may sound like an old fart, but I have observed that many of the women in this sort of relationship have one or more children with their scrote without being married.

Not sure if the scrote baby trapped them, it was accidental or what, but now there is the added pressure on the woman to not bReAK Up tEH fAMiLy, so she really can’t leave for the sake of their kids. At this point he knows she’s not going anywhere so he feels comfortable in the fact that he can easily leave the minute his dream woman comes along while gf waits for that elusive proposal. In the meantime he enjoys the spoils of having a wife appliance to clean his house and warm his bed.

I’ve been skewered in other subs for pointing this out, but it simply can’t be glossed over as a generally bad idea to have children without the legal benefits of marriage.

donttextme_k · 2021-12-08T02:49:43+00:00

I heard because woman give them everything they want without the man fully committing and the man doesn’t feel the rush to get officially married since they are already “marry” in his eyes. Kinda fucked up. Don’t really understand how they can live with themselves, with one leg in and one leg out. And moreover women tolerate this because either they are dependent on the man or they are holding on to hope. Maid has a good perspective on this

xpressurself111 · 2021-12-08T10:45:55+00:00

My ex: “I need to see if you have house wife skills.” (I lived on my own, he did not)

A coworker: “I just don’t know if she’s the one (while physically avoiding the conversation) - I told him that after so many years and having kids with her, she’s the one you keep choosing so…haven’t you already decided? “Ahh…” he married her about 5 YEARS later. After he began seriously balding and saw he probably had no better prospects. Shameful man.

Or my favorite: “But… She doesn’t want to get married!!” Sure sure. So what does that say about you, staying with her? Does that mean she’s so much “the one” that now you are ok never marrying her? (The Cool Girl in this relationship, is subconsciously protecting and hurting herself all at the same time)

“I don’t wanna get raked over the coals in a divorce.” <— this means “I want a mommy bang maid, why are women such gold diggers??”

“It’s just a piEcE oF pApEr.” <— this means “my commitment is weaker than a bag made from wet newspaper”

2021-12-08T12:31:10+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	The Forever Girlfriend Phenomenon: Why do guys do this, and why do girls put up with it?
Author	NoMoreWordsToConquer
Upvotes	113
Comments	11
Date	December 8, 2021 1:39 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/rbf8qw/the_forever_girlfriend_phenomenon_why_do_guys_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/the-forever-girlfriend-phenomenon-why-do-guys-do.1088052 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088052