~ archived since 2018 ~

Are these red flags, or am I reading too much into things?

October 19, 2021
85 upvotes

This guy I met 5 months ago seemed high value; he seemed ambitious, respectful, caring and would plan interesting dates (most he paid for; my pickmeisha ways got the best of me and I paid for some). We made it official recently, but I feel like his tone has changed since then. If his schedule is busy, it's fine when he goes 2 weeks without hanging out, but then seems miffed if I am late to a date (which seems like a double standard). Whenever he cancels, he just informs me he is unable to make it, no apology. I call to apologize when I am unable to make something I commit to.

The kicker is I recently sprained my wrist in a biking accident; he immediately started cracking jokes about aging bones (I'm one year older than him), and then made another joke about the arm being useless now. Not once did he ask me if I was okay. I didn't respond because I found it rude. I'm getting an award is this Friday, and so he tells me my Saturday is "booked up" (implying he had something special to celebrate), but I thanked him and declined.

On the one hand, I feel bad because it seems like he put thought into planning something to celebrate, which is sweet; on the other, he told me Saturday was booked, rather than asked me out (which seems oddly controlling...) and his jokes about my injury, now matter how minor, seem tasteless. I don't imagine he would find it funny if someone made fun of his height, for example.

Are these subtle red flags? Do I feel bad because I it was cruel to blow him off after it seems like he planned something, or because I'm not used to asserting boundaries?

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Post Information
Title Are these red flags, or am I reading too much into things?
Author NoMoreWordsToConquer
Upvotes 85
Comments 15
Date October 19, 2021 1:00 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/are-these-red-flags-or-am-i-reading-too-much-into.1078738
https://theredarchive.com/post/1078738
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/qb0dm6/are_these_red_flags_or_am_i_reading_too_much_into/
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Comments

[–]Repulsive-Ad1092 96 points97 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

These jokes are negging (red pill tactic) and he seems controlling. Dump him

[–]saint-jezebel 63 points64 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re past 3 months so his true nature is coming out. That’s what you will have to deal with going forward.

[–]flowerpower102938 113 points114 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Confusion is a symptom of future abuse.

[–]divination__ 33 points34 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, they are massive red flags. He doesn't need to do something drastic for it to be a red flag, this is just the peak of the iceberg that you can intuitively sense. Ask yourself - if a person you loved came to you with an injury, would your immediate and ONLY reaction be to make fun of them and make them feel worse? It suggests a total lack of empathy. You already know he's no good, don't stick around to find out to what extent.

[–]yfunk3 64 points65 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Please don't converse with him anymore. It's okay to ghost this guy. Block and delete.

[–]super_thinker_ 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When you end things with him, I agree that ghosting is totally acceptable in this case - he seems controlling and scary, you haven’t been dating that long, AND he go weeks without seeing you. This isn’t a boyfriend.

If you decide to have a conversation with him, though, do it over the phone, and try to stay as emotionally neutral as possible. I’ve made the mistake of being too emotional while breaking up with abusive men and they see it as an opportunity to verbally abuse me.

Keep things plain and matter of fact and keep the phone call short. If this man is anything like the abusive and controlling men I’ve dated in the past, he will want to draw the conversation out as long as possible. He will talk in circles and he will flip flop between being mean to you and begging you to change your mind. Cut it short. Don’t let him torture you.

[–]BabyGothQFDS Specialist 79 points80 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You feel bad because of asserting boundaries. Even in the most healthy relationships, people will have conflicting opinions and ideals, want and need different things, etc.

If you’re interested in sticking around, have a clear conversation about how these issues have made you feel - his response will tell you everything you need to know and inform your next decision: falling back or leaning in.

Remember confusion is an answer as well.

[–]NoMoreWordsToConquer[S] 16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for your honest and specific advice. Any advice for how to approach such a conversation? (we've been texting this stuff)

[–]BabyGothQFDS Specialist 39 points40 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I’ll do my best!

Remember that a HVM would never want to leave you unclear. For both of your sakes, they don’t have the time nor the energy to play games and respect your time and energy as well. Let him know that you deserve clarity and respect, and if/when he asks what you mean, or just to expand upon that, tell him about these specific instances and why they matter to your relationship as a whole. For example, “when you were making jokes about me spraining my wrist without making sure that I was okay, at all, it made me feel like my safety and well-being aren’t a priority to you.”

However, once you have this conversation there’s no turning back. If you tell him about these things, you’re basically telling him that you’re onto him if he’s L or NV. If he is, and you stay afterwards, it will only get worse. This type of conversation where you’re emotionally available can only work once with them. After that, you’ll be gaslit, manipulated, etc. to oblivion.

I hope that helped!

Edit: also, to answer your original question, yes these are red flag behaviors!

[–]onceuponasea 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oooof. That last part. Can you expand on that if possible?

[–]BabyGothQFDS Specialist 43 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

oof indeed lol I spent a lot of my relationships with LV or NVM confused. This was by design. If I’m confused they get to keep me orbiting them, trying to get closure or figure out whether I’m going crazy or not. If they gave me clarity, one way or another, the games would be over: they’d either have to commit to me wholeheartedly and stop the lying and whatnot or I’d know the best thing to do is leave. Neither is ideal for L or NVM because they’re incapable and/or unwilling to commit and too insecure and ego-focused to “let” me leave.

[–]dancedancedance7 45 points46 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah he's an a******. A HVM would offer to help as soon as he heard your wrist is sprained.

[–]spiderunderweb 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It looks like he doesn’t even like you, and you don’t really like him. Best to leave and get your deserved treatment somewhere else darling

[–]Aloe_You_Vera_Much 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

These are definitely red flags. If someone is constantly canceling and rescheduling dates that in and of itself is clear indicator that they don’t respect you at all. And you can see how it’s trickled into other areas, like how he’s treating you with your arm.

Please leave this man.

[–]Competitive_Bar8657 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The way I read it seems like he’s not really interested in this relationship anymore and is checked out but too polite to break up maybe due to not having other options. I can’t give you more info but I see where you feel confused because he’s still technically didn’t say anything yet he already acts like it: - two weeks no dates - cancels last minute - no apologies or understanding -cracking jokes about your age -not empathetic because he don’t care about your well-being -too busy with other priorities than YOU

If you don’t hate him I’d politely bring it up and break up with him because he literally can’t for some reason but is wasting your time. Otherwise, just ghost .

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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