The Single Dad Question with a Twist

ashton_dennis · 2020-03-13T23:22:47+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. I hope everything turns out for you and your children.

Kimpractical · 2020-03-14T00:01:02+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. What happened in someone’s past doesn’t really matter, it’s how well they coped with it and moved on from it.

“Has there been adequate time for him and the boys to have moved on? Did he and the boys receive counseling to help deal with the loss? Is he going to be able to love a other woman the same way again or is he going to stay stuck? Is going to be overbearing and protective out of fear of losing the new woman as well?”

Those are questions I would be asking if I were a potential future date, which I don’t think would be too different if it were a divorce instead. I try not to look too much into someone’s past because things are never in our control and you never know what can happen. Maybe you got divorced, or maybe your spouse passed away, or maybe you never even had a serious relationship because it never got that far with anyone. None of those things are indicators of your character, you could be amazing person or and abusive cheater and what happened in your past doesn’t make a spot of difference. I’d rather date a divorced dad with 5 kids and a psychotic ex-wife than a guy with no kids and never been married if is meant being happy and being treated with respect

Sage_Planter · 2020-03-14T00:07:09+00:00

I would spend time investing in learning about stepfamily dynamics. Read materials like the book "Stepmonster" and learn about issues your future partner might experience. Stepparenting is an extremely tough gig. You'll be a higher value man if you better empathize and support your future partner.

daglowup · 2020-03-14T00:05:05+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s no easy thing to navigate. For that reason I’d recommend taking a good amount of time to grieve and process your emotions, which it seems like you’re already doing. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist before you start considering dating. FDS is very against unequal emotional labour, and you need to avoid making your future partner feel like she will have to help you through any unresolved feelings. Of course, relationships are about emotional support but you should already have done a significant amount of self work so you can start on a new page with someone new.

curlygirl507 · 2020-03-14T01:38:00+00:00

I'm so sorry about your wife. I would actually be much more open to dating a widower with kids vs a divorced dad. First, there's no ex to deal with. Second, it means you've probably grown from the experience - I have a long history of loss and find it hard to relate to normal Americans who have never had anyone in their life die other than an elderly family member. Third, it means that it's much less likely that you're a bad partner - there would be no suspicion on you like there would be with a divorced man. Fourth, I would think you'd be a little bit of a more understanding and empathetic person. (Obviously the only one that's certainly true is the first one - the others just have higher chances of being true than if you were just divorced.)

I really hope you and your kids are okay.

alivebut-justbarely · 2020-03-14T03:04:18+00:00

I'm very sorry for your loss. I am going to answer honestly and I hope it does not come across as harsh or critical towards you. These answers are not a judgment of you or your character.

I would be worried about whether or not you've processed your grief and trauma with therapy. If you haven't gone to therapy that would be an instant no from me. I'd wonder if you're even ready to date or if you're using dating as way to deal with your pain. MANY men use their girlfriends and wives as therapists instead of going to therapy, so I'd definitely be concerned about that. I'd worry about the impact her death has on your children and if they are ready for you to be with another woman. I'd worry about your intentions with dating. Are you looking to date because you truly want to find a woman to love and have a beautiful marriage with, or are you more concerned about finding a maternal figure for your children?

These are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Liz_Lemondrop · 2020-03-14T05:08:23+00:00

First of all, I'm sorry for what you've gone through.

I have dated single dads in the past (but only ever through divorce or the mother being unfit, not from loss) so I can't speak to your situation specifically, but thinking of myself, if I were to start a relationship with a man whose wife had passed, I would need him and the children to be in therapy. There are so many concerns of transference, resentment, misplaced expectation/anger/grief and whole host of other issues I would be hyper wary of should I enter this dynamic. I'm not saying you aren't already doing this, but it would be an absolute deal-breaker for me, for many reasons.

I think, when you're ready, you absolutely should get back out there. I don't think any of us want our spouses to be alone forever after we pass. I think you should look for a woman who shows signs early on that she's:

Not trying to replace your wife or the relationship you had with her. It'll never happen and any indication of that latent jealousy or controlling vibe will be a breeding ground for resentment.
Not trying and silence you or the children from talking about her. Your late wife is always going to be a huge part of you and her memory is not a threat to your future partner nor is her memory an affront to your relationship. If a woman cannot handle that, she's not right for your familiy.
Not pushing being your childrens' "mother". She should be a friend, a support, a form of stability and comfort but not walk in with the intentions of taking over. As someone whose mother was a single mom, when men would try and "become my dad" it was horribly repellent. My dad was dead before I even got to know him and it still upset me when men tried to do that, and when my mom didn't try and stop them.

All of this is assuming the woman wants kids and is okay being a step-parent, which is going to limit your dating pool but not significantly and will likely not pose much of an issue unless you're trying to date someone significantly younger (which, for your emotional health, I would not recommend anyway). Be mindful of comparing your late wife to future dating partners -- for your sake and theirs.

Lastly, please do your best to both wait until you're ready and not force it out of loneliness or to manage your grief, and make extra efforts (especially early on) to make the relationship with your potential future spouse be distinctly yours and hers. Meaning, dates out where you can be adults and get to know each other. It'll mean paying more for babysitters or leaving the kiddos with family, but really getting to know someone before adding the "family dynamic" will be paramount.

Slyfer_Seven · 2020-03-14T01:55:12+00:00

I read this whole thing and I have no idea what you are asking. It feels like you’re trying to obfuscate something.

Sewud · 2020-03-15T15:56:39+00:00

Personally, I think that's a good person to date. Men that age who have not married and had kids would raise more concerns.

Slyfer_Seven · 2020-03-15T17:46:01+00:00

Sorry for your loss. Your first concern should be your kids of course, but you also must carefully navigate your needs and the needs of other person, basically don't look for a woman who would take care of your boys for you. Always keep in mind that they are not her kids, she isn't supposed to love them unconditionally.

The best case for you, I'd say, is to find another single mom, therefore you'd be on about the same level. A childless woman might work as well, but you have to be very careful. She won't see your kids as her for a while at least, maybe be never, she might want her own children one day.

Basically, concentrate on the equality in the relationship. What are you bringing to the table, that will make her raise your kids? How respectful are you of her wishes?

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2020-03-15T01:44:04+00:00

You're a single dad of two boys. I would INSTANTLY be worried that you're instilling anti-woman values in them. We all know that all-male groups tend to breed misogyny. Frat houses, sports teams. I've heard many women say their bf treats them as a human because he was raised by a single mom or had sisters.

I would just do your due diligence on not calling women "bitch" around them. Teach them that's unacceptable. Teach them women aren't just sex objects. Teach them to value the women they want to sleep with. Teach them to do 'female' tasks like cleaning, cooking. Pay attention to when you see misogyny in media and point it out.

If you have female relatives or female friends who will help give them a positive view of women I'd have them be around her.

How you speak about women is going to really be key here. When you see a hot woman on TV, don't comment on it. Make sure you point out smart & successful women and call them that.

Haltthemoon · 2020-03-18T20:16:45+00:00

Do you want to have more children? Or you're good with just the two? I have friends who do not want children. However, a few of them ended up with men who have children that are older from previous marriages. For these women, a few of the first things they'd discuss with these single dads include: do you want to have more kids? do you expect me to take on the caregiver role?

If you want more kids, then do not date women who do not want children. If you are done with having kids, I think it'd be a good match to date women who don't want kids. However, this can be tricky because they may not want to be the caregiver to your children, or if they are willing to help care for your kids, they will not be the sole caregiver. You'd also have to consider in the unfortunate circumstance of anything ever happening to you, do you want your partner to be able to take on the sole caregiver role?

In regards to your wife, I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

I think when, if ever, you are ready to date again, it is crucial for you to be able to emotionally move on from your loss. This will benefit you, your kids and your future partner. In many ways, being a widow is a lot harder than being a divorced dad because you are the sole provider to your children, for life.

Title	The Single Dad Question with a Twist
Author	Slyfer_Seven
Upvotes	32
Comments	40
Date	March 13, 2020 10:28 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/fi84uc/the_single_dad_question_with_a_twist/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/the-single-dad-question-with-a-twist.1068804 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068804

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