Did I respond appropriately?

The_Litz · 2017-02-17T13:05:13+00:00

You removed your most valuable asset, your time, from her. She was being a bitch and you removed yourself.

Only problem I see is you were butthurt at that point. Work on that and don't go rambo on your wife, you are in this for the long haul.

2ndal · 2017-02-17T13:33:38+00:00

Yeah, seems fine. Some real classic shit tests being thrown your way. This is all expected and normal, and it seems like you're handling them fine.

Your wife is in a particular fragile state, what with the baby, sleep deprivation, etc. I throw this comment by /u/druganswer out a LOT to new folks to read, but you should heed the advice especially given your situation. Do not go Rambo on her, do not turn into an asshole. Here it is:

"For 6 months I'm not going to punish her, take anything out on her, or do anything for her in hopes of her doing something for me in return. No matter how shitty she treats me I will respond with kindness, but I will also get my shit together and start doing things for me."

Seriously, read that whole thing and take it to heart.

anotherswingingdick · 2017-02-17T11:12:38+00:00

with ~60 to go

you're not nursing a baby.

you can fast for two months before even go NEAR hurting your body.

innominating · 2017-02-17T12:08:16+00:00

You aren't fucking up too much.

Lift and diet like your life depends on it. Look into leangains and intermittent fasting. Count your macros, find a system you will adhere to for the next week, month, year, five years and beyond.

If she is noticing your "attitude" this often and this early, your STFU is rambo. That is better than DEERing, definitely, but you need to read WISNIFG and learn to converse assertively and fog. Until then, be fun and flirty when she's not bitching to balance out the rambo.

anythinginc · 2017-02-17T14:59:00+00:00

You know it's been so hard since the baby was born with all of the stuff you've done...It's supposed to be the happiest time in my life and you've just ruined every moment...Well I don't think I'm coming into the office with her today...No, I don't think so! And we won't be going to Cancun

She sounds like a bratty, spoiled child. You have opposite schedules, you now insist on sleeping correctly, and you have learned to STFU...which means, according to her, you have removed what is probably your only value, emotional tampon. This isn't a bad thing, but you need to be sure you actually HAVE other value once that is trickled down. You have taken away her toy, and she is lashing out trying to get it back.

If her hamster knew that you had additional value she might hold back with these lashings, but between a new baby and breast feeding it is doubtful if she could notice ANY value outside of how much you "support and nurture" her.

Ideally, she wouldn't have noticed anything within two weeks, but insisting on your sleep schedule (but dealing with the realities of a newborn), and not engaging her when she taunts you like this is absolutely correct. If you are removing the emotional tampon, be sure you are still providing emotional something.

Your schedule doesn't make it easy, you are in bed by the time she gets off work, your only time together is when she comes to bed for a few hours before you wake up. Doing this for any length of time would destroy even the best relationships. She doesn't get ANYTHING from you except for maybe some relief if you handle a lot of household shit between 3:30 and 9:30 (and she notices), but again with the new baby, she probably doesn't get much from that...you still need to be doing it though, handle your shit, everything that you don't want to happen at midnight while you are trying to sleep--laundry, dishes, hanging pictures, whatever.

The best thing would be for your schedules to be more aligned, her job is more irregular, but leading a nursing mother to switch jobs would be a difficult task for even the best MRP man, and she she perceives you to have little value to her.

Your best bet is to just keep your head down and continue to add value and become attractive, without rocking the boat and hope this relationship survives this period. I would be providing emotional something, reminding her that WE ARE a family even though our schedules are opposite.

Leave a little note somewhere where she will find it when she gets home. Not beta, just something amusing to remind her that you WERE here today, I bet you both love memes.
Text her a picture of you and your daughter together during the day..nothing to make her break down in tears that she doesn't get to live like a normal family, just something sweet and amusing to show that her child is with you and you are competent and amusing.
Google "maintain emotional connection opposite schedules" and see what pops up.

Whatever it takes to keep the thought

My mom watches her part of the day anyway, I could move in with her and my life wouldn't change at all and would probably be better

out of her head. It sucks that this is where you are starting out, but we all start in a shitty place. Again, add value, become attractive, be a great dad, add value, don't rock the boat very much right now.

UEMcGill · 2017-02-17T15:31:39+00:00

Kinder gentler McGill says, pull her aside and say, "about last night I need you to tell me what you need, what you're thinking, but at 2am I'm neither in the right place nor ability to give you the attention you need. How's that fair to either of us?"

Asshole McGill would have told her to knock it the fuck off and if she didn't stop bothering me when I was trying to sleep she'd find herself on the couch.

Carrot or stick, your choice. Either one will get you a better result than you have now. She does this because you let her.

SeamusAwl · 2017-02-17T11:56:30+00:00

If your SMV is a 2 at 25, what kind of ogress did you marry? I think you are selling yourself a little short. You might be a 4. As for dread, you are reading and lifting that is atleast dread level 2. Have you bought a new wardrobe yet? That is dread level 3. Just keep working on yourself and STFU.

Coniferous_88 · 2017-02-17T13:48:41+00:00

You've internalized one of the more important RP concepts- not engaging in, or trying to DEER your way out of, an emotional argument. That was one of the single most important things I learned here...it literally almost eliminated all of the 'fights' in my relationship. That, and learning to Fog.

You are selling yourself short- You may not be 'there' yet, but remember as others have pointed out, your biggest asset is your time and attention. By improving and owning you shit more and more, that asset increases. As you improve, she WILL notice when you remove your time and attention.

GargantuaBlarg29 · 2017-02-17T13:48:55+00:00

Fat beta fuck

I stopped reading there. The order of operations is:

Improve yourself

Lead her to where you want her to be

Leave if you dont like it, stop bitching if you dont leave.

You have not even improved yourself. You shouldnt even be worrying about how you're talking to her if you're a fat beta fuck. Get your internal shit in order. Get your body in order. Get a frame. Then start tackling shit outside yourself. Come at this like a sniper picking off each and every weakness you have, not with a shotgun and just spraying and praying.

BobbyPeru · 2017-02-17T16:15:52+00:00

You're doing good with STFU, but you need to mix in some comfort. She's in a vulnerable state. I believe these are a "shitty comfort tests " mixed with some classic shit tests.

redearththeory · 2017-02-17T13:09:39+00:00

Not a bad response. I'd tell her very calmly that if she starts a fight at 2am again you'll be sleeping somewhere else the next night. Start with a spare bedroom. Then a hotel if that doesn't work.

drty_pr · 2017-02-17T14:18:11+00:00

I like how you have very little ego investment here man. This will be a key if turning your harpy wife into a loving one is possible. The guys who come on to askMRP and start getting all defensive like little bitches or the guys who come on and think they are king shit and again get all defensive always leave. Stick around and start to post OYS. Slow and steady wins the race. A couple tips:

Stop selling yourself short. I'd bet your not as ugly as you make out and she isn't as hot as you make out either.
With a baby this fresh, it's so crucial you don't go rambo. She will need some confort. If done right, it's a great opportunity to take the lead

RBuddDwyer · 2017-02-17T16:25:37+00:00

You appear to have the right mindset and are heading in the right direction. You improve yourself solely for yourself, and no one else. You have a long way to go, though. She is throwing garden-variety shit tests at you, and STFU and ignore is perfectly fine for when you are just starting out. Once you get more self-confidence you'll be able to see them coming sooner and react to them.

One thing to keep in mind is that you are probably moving toward something like The Main Event, which is where she finally realizes this is all for real, that you are becoming a better person, and there is nothing she can do about it. There may also be an element of dread mixed in there as well, as she may convince herself there is no way she can keep up. Roissy gave some great advice for how to handle this:

and the coup de grace, when she wants to have a BIG TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP and she says “I don’t like how you have been acting the last [fill in the blank]…” and you look her square in the eye and shrug “you don’t have to”.

BOOOOM goes the dynamite. Relationship reset activated. #winning #welcomebacktestes #tingles

When this is your natural reply to her, with no hesitation by you, then you know you are on the right path.

Title	Did I respond appropriately?
Author	Thisismyusername1100
Upvotes	3
Comments	36
Date	February 17, 2017 11:04 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5ulk35/did_i_respond_appropriately/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/did-i-respond-appropriately.206501 https://theredarchive.com/post/206501

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