Handling cognitive dissonance, post break up ?

Scurvemuch · 2017-10-25T15:37:21+00:00

other women are a better indicator of your attractiveness than your ex wife who you allowed to abuse you mentally

PurpleVeteran · 2017-10-25T15:22:01+00:00

Women will say anything to justify their ~~actions~~ feelings. Give her words as much weight as you do your ex wife's opinion... a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

The only voice that should matter is the one you hear when you're alone with your thoughts. The only image that should mean anything is what the mirror reflects back to you. The only goals that matter are the ones you have set for yourself.

rebbit_reddit · 2017-10-25T16:29:53+00:00

For me personally, it was after three or four women women told me how desirable/hot/sexy/great in bed I am that I started to believe it. I started to realise that my ex found me unattractive mainly because I was blue pill. Then I also realised that part of the reason why a lot of women now find me attractive is that they don’t know me well enough to see the the remnants of the blue pill that are still within me.

I’m off to the gym

RuleZeroDAD · 2017-10-25T16:03:52+00:00

Winning breeds more winning.

You've heard the phrase in sports "Act like you've been there before" to describe a rookie or recently successful competitor who just won, but either acts like a fucking idiot, or gives the impression that he doesn't deserve it.

You don't have cognitive dissonance, you WERE a loser. Now you're not. Act like you've been there before.

SorcererKing · 2017-10-25T17:22:32+00:00

"Fake it until you make it" is about exactly this. In the beginning many guys have imposter syndrome, so we tell them to act like the guy they want to be. If one does that long enough he becomes that guy for real.

You've followed the program, put in the work, and, lo and behold, it works! You need to now decide you're worthy of it all and claim what's yours.

straius · 2017-10-25T15:41:03+00:00

What's your mission and purpose? This is a fundamental aspect of being your own point of origin. If you don't have a mission or a purpose or some other kind of long term goal that fits into your mission, you will be missing something you can use internally to gauge your success or failure as well as an identity.

Absent that, it will be easier to succumb to external inputs to your personal value.

In the end, it doesn't really matter why they sleep with you, you were thrown two positives in your example so the only reason I can really see why that would throw you into a tailspin is that you're lacking your own measures.

Dating and sleeping with women can't be your purpose or goal. It's not enough and it's not really an accomplishment compared to things like starting a business you've wanted to for years, becoming an influential artist within your industry/community, maybe it's becoming a carpenter/carver and building furniture, whatever... Point is that your purpose/mission has to be interesting to you, sourced from a point of passion internally and something that challenges you to grow.

Then that becomes your self metric of success and you let external validation fall to the wayside as you make sure your energies are well spent aiming yourself in the right direction to fulfill your self identified goals.

It's gonna take longer than a year if you spent 10 years subsumed in your wife's frame and didn't have your own strong identity. Some of this will just require patience.

If you are having a hard time defining your own mission, try utilizing Jordan Peterson's self authoring program. It's a thought/writing exercise designed to identify a plan to discover or hit your desired life outcomes. Sounds cheesy paraphrasing it that way, but it's not a tacky self help thing. It's a real tool.

PitchingGranite · 2017-10-25T15:24:53+00:00

NMMNG chapter 3. The last couple of pages specifically mention cognitive dissonance and what to do. You are on the right track with the positive affirmations. Just happened to have re read that section this morning.

FireTempered · 2017-10-25T17:41:51+00:00

Every time you compare anything to your ex, you take yourself down a notch.

Every time you act on your own, without regard to who you WERE, you win.

Stop being who you were, it did not work for you.

Like wearing new shoes, it is never going to be as comfortable as the old house shoes.

Throw the house shoes and your ex in the trash.

Wear the new shoes and get used to them.

Rian_Stone · 2017-10-25T15:33:46+00:00

cognitive dissonance.

good, use it. Don't worry about your identity, this is how the narcissist works. And when others don't reflect it back at him, he gets angry.

I am working on something now that may help show my reflections on this. Basically, you're acting like Dick Whitman, confused why everyone thinks you're Don draper. Instead, you should be John Hamm.

Or, just do your thing, let others see what they want to see, curated by you. And if they attack your frame/identity, you look and laugh, because 'you do realize it's just a TV show, right?'

drty_pr · 2017-10-25T18:06:14+00:00

You need therapy bro. Or OYS. You have demons that need to be dealt with. You've done nothing here but defend why you're justified in having confidence issues. You won't realize you deserve everything you want in life til you realize you are your own judge. You can't appreciate your success in becoming the man you want til you appreciate yourself. You need to understand that happiness is a conscious decision you make. All you have shown in this post is the you lack frame.

Notice how much I said you here? That was on purpose.

SteelToeShitKicker · 2017-10-25T15:24:35+00:00

The best thing you can do is to forget the old you. At two times in my life, I left everyone I knew behind and became someone else. It's very freeing, people who know you have expectations of you, and it drags you back down.

If you don't have kids, perhaps it's time to look for greener pastures.

ImSteveMcQueen · 2017-10-25T15:26:30+00:00

A little story...

I've been vetting 2 women for a couple weeks. Both high quality, one has a bit of an attitude, has been kinda aloof. I've been stalling with the other until I get to know the aloof woman better. I'm not good at being in multiple relationships at once and I don't want to do that, so I want to make a decision and pick one.

So I finally get some solid time booked with Ms. Aloof. We go to a country cabaret. The whole evening plays out perfectly. I'm dressed well. She made a comment about how fashionable my shirt was. I'm fit. She made a comment about how fit I was and how out of shape many of the men were there. I am good country dancer. I took her out on the dance floor and danced the hell out of her. "Where did you learn to do that ?" "Please don't spin me so much !". "I've never had so much fun dancing with someone."

About midnight, while we were having a ton of fun, she grabs my hand and says we need to leave, ditching all her mostly guy friends (orbiters) that are there in the process. We go back to her place, where we drink wine and make out. I meet her again the next night (Sunday), where I learn a bit more about her and decide that she isn't for me. We both had a great time, no harm, no foul.

Monday I text the other gal to reconnect. We go for a walk, she invites me in to her couch and then she takes me upstairs to her meditation room and proceeds to tell me how she has been lusting over me and that we need to take our relationship to the next level.

WTF ? How can this be happening to me ?

I used to country dance with my wife. She is 20-30 pounds overweight and would complain about how I lead on the dance floor. But on Saturday I was throwing Ms. Aloof around like crazy. Spinning, jiving, etc, while the younger crowd stood by watching, in awe. WTF ?

And my ex usually had lukewarm attraction for me. And there was HB8 giving me the "You really turn me on, I need to have sex with you" talk.

When stuff like this happens, it really throws me for a loop. It takes days figure out that I really am the guy that happened to, that I wasn't dreaming. And even then, the thought pattern mostly dies out more than gets accepted. And then something else awesome happens and I go through it all again. It is incredibly fatiguing.

My first post breakup relationship was with a really warm, loving woman. Our first time together was an entire weekend. About half way through the dissonance got so bad I got quasi angry and had to tell her to stop interacting with me in nice ways. Luckily she understood.

Has anyone else had this happen ? How do you deal with it ?

red-sfpplus · 2017-10-25T15:42:25+00:00

Depressed people live in the past. Anxious people live in the future. Happy people live in the present.

Keep working on your frame, and self confidence. You are still looking for other peoples validation on who you are. You are who you make yourself to be. This is called taking ownership of your life, your responsibilities and your mission.

You are still a little lost, and that is fine. But listen to one thing I say - Get out of the cycle of seeking validation from other people. There is only ONE type of respect that matters in this world and that is SELF RESPECT

The_Litz · 2017-10-25T19:43:03+00:00

OP, don't underestimate yourself.

Sometimes I game or flirt with fat soccer moms, with hardly a reaction to me. Other times, younger, hotter women give me the eye and play with their hair when I just walk past them.

You are now like the fat girl that lost a lot of weight and cannot believe she is in shape and getting attention.

From now forwards is all that matters to you.

man_in_the_world · 2017-10-25T22:56:56+00:00

You left your wife before you developed any frame, lost your sparring partner in the process, and have made no progress since. You will only fix this by developing your own frame.

shneakypete · 2017-10-25T15:37:13+00:00

"You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you."

You're wife shouldn't determine your identity. You do. Write it down if you have to. Women are jumping you, you got your shit together, life is good.

StandardIlluminant · 2017-10-25T16:41:11+00:00

There's no real magic in changing how you see yourself, it just becomes a habit once you start letting yourself think positive things about the new you. You spent years on the blue side of the river, now you're wading through the middle of it, but not 100% on the other side yet, so you're still feeling the turmoil and the churn of the water. Just keep thinking of yourself as he prize and you'll wind up on the other side of the river just through habit.

I was surprised too once I started owning my shit, how it felt so unnatural to act in a more assertive way after being such a nice guy for so long. It felt out of place and yeah, there was dissonance about it. Then one day my dad was asking me about how I had managed to successfully arrange some financial stuff and pay back some debt, kind of prying, and I just blurted out automatically "I took care if it. Don't worry about it." It didn't even strike me at the time how I different my response was from what I used to be like. That was a good data point showing me this had become habit and my new default way of thinking.

Also, six months still isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

Title	Handling cognitive dissonance, post break up ?
Author	ImSteveMcQueen
Upvotes	4
Comments	72
Date	October 25, 2017 2:59 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/78o7sy/handling_cognitive_dissonance_post_break_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/handling-cognitive-dissonance-post-break-up.205239 https://theredarchive.com/post/205239

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