We all saw my first couple of posts and how god awful that was but I'm moving on and learning from my mistakes. I finished NMMNG last night and started MMSLP. A lot of pieces are falling into place, sometimes it seemed I was reading my own history in those books. It was pretty scary how accurate they were but very eye opening.

I see how I devalued myself in her eyes and how I crushed all faith she had in me and how I destroyed all respect she could have for me. My last victim puke which started me on this path really put her back a few steps on what little respect I had earned back. After my first rocky couple of days I got on bored, did pretty good with STFU, amped up the IDGAF and started reading. After 3 days of this she started asking me if something was wrong or if I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't mad and that I was actually pretty happy. She didn't believe me and she was preparing for the calm before the storm, getting ready for another puke by me. Well she wrote me a letter, explaining how she was confused and scared, that she didn't know how much more of the emotions she could take. That she was depressed and anxious cause she was afraid of setting me off. She said she really did love me and she wants things to go back to being great again but again she was just confused at what to do.

My question is that is her confusion a result of her seeing my positive beta traits and now seeing some potential at alpha traits? Is her confusion normal? Several months ago I got the ILYBINILWY speech, is that something you can come back from?

I really see how I need to step up and be the captain again. Guide my first mate and control my ship.