Too cold?

cholomite · 2016-04-05T00:42:54+00:00

Unless she is on crutches or something, that was definitely a compliance test and her anger means you passed. You already know you said too much but that shit will come with time. If all of her other tests involve you going out of your way to get something for her that she could just get herself, then you get it.

Soon enough you'll figure out how to turn her anger into horniness and pissing her off over bullshit like this will become fun. Just don't overdo it and become a dick, sometimes it's ok to get that glass of water or wallet.

jacktenofhearts · 2016-04-05T05:55:34+00:00

You know what we're talking about here?

We're talking about That.

What is That?

It doesn't matter, just that your wife wants you to do That. You know she'll be unhappy if you don't do That, but you feel uncomfortable with the idea that you always have to do That, right?

So. Is there a reason why you can't say, "I'll see if I can get to That later"?

-- You aren't committing to complying with anything. You'll see if you can do That, at some undetermined point in the future called "Later." Upon enough time passing of time to be considered "Later," you may then conclude you don't have enough time to do That. You may conclude you don't care to do That. You may conclude you can do That, but it'll have to be Even Later. You may even conclude you can, in fact, do That.

-- Your wife may want you to do That right Now, and not Later. The likelihood you're doing something productive and constructive with your time, makes it all the more easier to deflect whatever Shit Test you may get for not doing That, right Now. Why does she need That, Now, when you are doing This? Is That more important than This? Maybe, but maybe not. If That is really unimportant compared to This, at a certain point A/A or AM is second-nature because it's really more amusing than aggravating. You want me to stop working on our taxes because you... can't figure out how to download this app on your phone? Heh. As much as I'm sure the IRS would be sympathetic about this, I may have to help you with That... Later.

-- If you do have a track record of not doing That, Later, that could be why your wife always wants you to do That, Now. If you're in a meeting with the CEO of your company, and you say something, and he says, "that's a great idea -- remind me to put something in the calendar to discuss That further," you are more than willing to do that. If you're meeting with one of your subordinates and he says the same thing, you're going to be pretty annoyed. Remind YOU? No, that's not how this works. If your wife responds with that hostility, she may think That is more important than anything you could possibly be doing because she's a narcissistic bitch, or because you have a track record of doing useless things like This, and never doing objectively important things like That. As we say: YMMV.

-- Your wife may expect you to do That because she does This, so it seems more than reasonable to ask you to do That, constantly. This is most commonly seen in marriages where women are martyrs for their children, and decide that sacrificing most of their time and energy on their children should mean her husband should sacrifice most of his time and energy on her. This is obviously not a healthy dynamic in anyway, but you would do well to recognize this when you tell her you're doing to do That, Later. Manage your household and make adjustments so she no longer does This (e.g. bring in a cleaning service, work out a carpool with other parents), and she'll likely have more time to do That herself. You can set a boundary that her doing This doesn't mean you don't have to actually do That, but it will probably be better received if you acknowledge she's doing This, and then implement a solution where she no longer constantly does This.

-- Compliance is not heroin. If you tell her you'll do That, Later five times in a row, and then decide to do That, Now, it's not like she immediately "relapses" and forgets everything that happened beforehand. Hamsters aside, you would do well to consider your wife as more than a Shit Testing machine capable only of Pavlovian responses to whatever stimuli you've given her in the last five minutes. For a request as simple as "get this thing from the other room," you may want to just do That, Now. Because it's much more important to make it clear that you're going to do That, Later, If At All, when the request is something like "sit down and watch this terrible TV show with me and give me a backrub."

BluepillProfessor · 2016-04-05T03:02:32+00:00

You really are a jerk.

Gratz! This is a milestone.

Doing something nice for someone doesn't make you less of a man by the way.

She is right. She also knows that part of you thinks it does and that is why you are second guessing yourself. Hows that for a mind fuck?

il-est-ressuscite · 2016-04-05T00:43:45+00:00

Too cold? I thought this was going to be about the eternal, epic struggle every couple has about the thermostat. Too hot, too cold! You're killing me!

Seriously though, is she in a cast or something? I assume her wallets in the car you're about to take? She should follow you out and get it if she needs it while you're gone or you can lob it to her from the driveway.

Dude, you built a fucking deck? You're not worthless.

Sepean · 2016-04-05T07:20:01+00:00

Her: Doing something nice for someone doesn't make you less of a man by the way. Don't talk to me when you get home. I'm not interested. Not going to lie, I'm doubting myself after reading that.

The round trip from the car to the sofa is the same for both of you. Possible difference being she might also have to put on shoes. If that's enough to get her riled up like that, don't worry. It's just a shit test and I wouldn't worry about it. My wife said A LOT worse stuff to me prior to the main even.

In general, I consider how much people do for me in return, and how much work it is for me compared to them doing it themselves. Mostly both of those have to come out positively before I'll help.

If you have an issue with being too cold, I can't tell. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But even if you are on the right track, you will get pushback from your wife like this, so the pushback alone is not something that should make you doubt the process.

Remember to be interesting, positive, energetic. Remember to be funny. Remember to pass comfort tests. If you can't use A&A properly yet, go for amused mastery; it is very easy, if you just STFY and smirk you got 90% of it.

Don't be that guy who walks around being cold, distant and butthurt because his wife throws compliance tests at him. Be cool about it.

wakethfkupneo · 2016-04-05T10:47:16+00:00

Too cold?

Lets see ...

I say "no, I'm heading to the gym, not coming back in(deer'd that I see)"

... is way too warm for my taste

I say "fuck off bitch, go get it yourself"

... IS too cold

I say "no"

... is just about right

I smirk and say "I'm pretty sure you can handle it yourself ... and it's good for your glutes too"

... is even better.

As for ...

Her: You really are a jerk.

http://media.giphy.com/media/D6WuLOKOpR2fK/giphy.gif

Good! You're doing something right.

Finally ...

Doing something nice for someone doesn't make you less of a man by the way.

I LOL'd. Google "gaslighting" - what it is, what it typically looks like and what are counter strategies.

its-iceman · 2016-04-05T00:14:28+00:00

We don't have enough context about you and your life to know if you're doing this right. That being said:

no, I'm heading to the gym, not coming back in

Could very easily have been:

In best bad Arnold impression I cannot get your wallet, must pump iron NOW

I don't think your answer was that bad, but being humorous is what masks this perceived coldness.

Part of this journey I think so many newbies get wrong is that you're not supposed to be this cold and miserable dick. New guys nuke their relationships by thinking they have to be this cold, emotionless rock. You're supposed to be fun, light-heatered, happy, and flirtatious with your wife. Being a leader doesn't mean you have to be painful to be around. Instead create the environment and persona you want to have. You'll never succeed at gaming your wife if she resents you. The difference is that you're all smiles and happy because you're happy and doing things that make you happy—not living through your perception of her emotions.

I hope you either deflected with AA in the text, or ignored it. Any other option was a mistake.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-04-05T01:23:01+00:00

IASGame · 2016-04-05T14:47:23+00:00

You said no. You felt guilty.

You already wrote what you are going to go through again.

Boesman12 · 2016-04-05T03:26:48+00:00

alright, here's my question. why'd you say no? is it really because you had something better to do or because you wanted to "show her who's boss"?

or more philosophically - were you adding value? being a "yes man" is not a value add. being a "no man" is not a value add either.

screechhater · 2016-04-05T00:58:46+00:00

diffuse the situation and all the tension with laughter. Lighten up yourself and yes there is going to be anger through the books readings. Don't take it out on her. It's not her fault that you are just waking up to the new you.

Yes, many newbies take it to the extreme and come of as a somewhat jerk. Chill. It's all good. Go radio silent. Concentrate on you, go home and if she starts, tease her pull her into your frame and remind her that it is not your wallet, and it's not your responsibility. If you want to kiss her ass and pound sunshine up it. tell her that you would have been happy to get it for on the way back from the gym on the way into the house.

Whatever you do next, think before you talk and allow her to shit test to control you answer and you new goal - how to stop being a fucking co-dependent validation seeking bitch.

Don't forget to knock the pussy off the pedastal

mattflieskites · 2016-04-05T05:36:26+00:00

you denied her something for the wrong reason. i get that you are trying to demonstrate you arent her bitch but if she already thinks that you are going to end up with her angry everytime. you should have put a humourous spin on it- like emptying it in the car and then giving her her empty wallet. then teased her about unclear instructions or something

Title	Too cold?
Author	RPStruggle
Upvotes	3
Comments	32
Date	April 5, 2016 12:04 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4ddwgz/too_cold/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/too-cold.207534 https://theredarchive.com/post/207534

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