33 years old. Never had girlfriend. Socially isolated.

Certifiedfamilylaw · 2018-05-12T20:53:42+00:00

Why not a chess club? Start with your interests, meet people who share those interests.

Women will come later. I'd suggest fixing your health and worry about the rest when you have a good foundation.

Also, exercise.

0x9A30D7C49714D98000 · 2018-05-12T21:22:45+00:00

Okay let’s say perhaps you DO have to spend a year in the gym to have any chance at all. Let’s assume that.

Then, a year from today are you going to be able to look back at this post and say this was the day you turned this ship around, you joined a local gym and started figuring out this lifting thing and building some momentum in a new direction. Or, you can just be another year older and look a little worse in the same place. I can tell you that as a man, there’s something magical about looking better each year while everyone else just gets weaker and fatter. You can look around for a gym near you right now.

Second thing you can do right now is join meetup.com and find some activities you can join depending on your interests. Day hikes are an easy one because everyone likes to get outdoors in nature, you get some exercise, and you pretty much don’t need to have any experience or skills. You’ll also meet more people including girls, and in a year from now you’ll have at least a wider circle of acquaintances, some social hobbies, and much sharper social skills.

So practical advice is what you came here for, alright? There’s two actionable things you can do today that will help you change your situation.

vandaalen · 2018-05-12T22:06:49+00:00

Ideally I would like to find some "quick and dirty" solution just to keep motivation up.

There are no quick fixes in live. Your belief in those is part of your problem.

Get your lazy fat ass up and start working. If you are living in isolation you should have enough times at your hands.

Nobody gives a shit about your rationalization attempts and excuses why your are "running back" to whatever shitty place you call home.

If you cannot be bothered to change and keep up with it, the degree of suffering simply isn't high enough for you.

Hit the gym, read the sidebar.

bruiser18 · 2018-05-12T23:27:14+00:00

Get a therapist. Don't try to be some 'macho-man' and bottle everything up, go get fucking help. This is the starting point.

Start hitting the gym, get your diet in order too. It will take a matter of days for you to start feeling better and better.

Stop watching porn and wanking, it's destroying the reward system in your brain, search mybrainonporn(dot)com.

Try out a martial art, try a contact sport like boxing. Jiu jitsu, muay thai, mma and boxing are fantastic. Especially jiu jitsu imo.

Read the sidebar, find a therapist, plan a week of healthy eating and start lifting - in that order.

Good luck.

Edit: start reading. Buy some books, start with something non fiction that interests you. 'The great gatsby' and 'to kill a mockingbird' are two good ones I've recently read. Read about the law of attraction. 'The secret' and 'think and grow rich' are both very good books, do your research and find some.

Fun2badult · 2018-05-12T22:44:32+00:00

It’s never too late to start. Best time to start was 20 years ago, second best is now. You’re still young, and yo get get low 20s to 30s if you put in some work. I believe in you

TRP_TEX · 2018-05-13T00:21:04+00:00

Lift.

Zarcaeus · 2018-05-13T01:39:20+00:00

Start by cleaning your room, bucko.

es1426 · 2018-05-12T22:56:44+00:00

Number one is always yourself. You need to find fulfillment in yourself. You’re imposing that fulfillment on women and I promise, as you have no experience, you will be let down immensely. No girl could hope to fill the void of all that waiting, even the most angelic nicest girl you’ve ever heard of.

Make yourself your priority. Women are the ornaments on your tree, not the trunk.

resnine · 2018-05-13T00:57:52+00:00

The reason you don't desire male friends is "when you don't have it you crave it". It's the ultimate catch-22 situation. You want women but in order to get women you have to not want women as not seem desperate/needy.

You have to get a male group going on before you try to start initiating contact with females. This will build your confidence. Donate your time/energy to charity. Be part of organizations. I recommend to be part of something LARGER than yourself. Go to church, and there you don't have to talk to anyone the first few times just get antiquated with the atmosphere and listen to the message. People may want to talk to you out of curiosity. Start from there. You have to start low and work your way up. I know the feeling you describe, seeing beautiful women and just not having the social skills to go contact them. It's like having a carrot dangling in front of you, so close but so far away. It's so frustrating, it's torture, I know I've been there in some ways I am still there. I find it difficult to go up to strange women and talk to them but you have to if you ever want to be happy with above all else, yourself. Rejection is better than regret.

For talking to women, I don't care what others say, you have to do/say what comes natural to you in your own words not some 'line' you read on here. Being genuine and authentic goes a long way in a woman's mind. Speak from a place of what's real and actually you. I am not saying 'just be yourself', be the absolute best version of yourself not the sad one you are portraying yourself as. Because you know you can do better than this. You have to force yourself to be 100% comfortable and 100% confident in the situation when talking to women, any hint of weakness/shyness will bring up red-flags. Start small, fail lots of times and get better.

Might be a weird idea, but if you are hiring hookers, why not ask for help communicating. Tell them you'll pay them for their time just to practice conversing with women. The amount of value you'll get from that will be infinity;y more valuable than just having sex.

also important to note, what is your living situation like? job situation? car situation? your diet, sleep, and exercise. All areas need to be in-check upon self-mastery.

wildnight98 · 2018-05-13T00:54:10+00:00

You should start with an exercise group; bodybuilders, x-fitters, something like that. You have this desire to improve your body in common with other guys, which sets up a fledgling social life. There are girls who orbit and work in exercise circles. You would start meeting them. Plan to be good at something related to exercise. You could teach a class. Once you are good at something you can help others. Read and study about bodybuilding and exercise until you are an expert. Your problem is that you are unmoored, drifting, with no roots or foundation. Make fitness your foundation and then build everything else on that.

On the other side, quit thinking girls will make you happy. That’s a recipe for oneitis. This is how you should think about it: girls compliment what is already going well in your life. You need to have some things going well and your relationships with women will reciprocally enhance your life-especially in those areas. If nothing is going well you aren’t ready for girls yet. You are too needy.

I feel for you but you are sooo close to huge life improvements. Just get your head a little straighter and things are going to be a lot better.

Ricklogical · 2018-05-13T00:43:18+00:00

Lifting fixes most of your issues. Do you have a career? You do not have to be socially acceptable to game women, you have to be comfortable in your environment doing the things you so best.

If you want to bang nines you have no quick and dirty solution. If you want sixes that will not take long at all.

Have to g we t beyond how stubborn you are about who the fuck you are.

You are not a solid person and everything about you can be changed

Tarnished_King · 2018-05-13T01:35:47+00:00

Damn. I see posts like this and I would just hope someone would reach out to you, buy you a beer and show you that it's not that hard. You don't have to live with the crippling fear you have.

Scuzzin · 2018-05-13T05:27:14+00:00

You know Issac Newton and Nikola Tesla were both allegedly virgins at their respective deaths. They contributions to the human race are why they are revered as two of the greatest human minds ever. But you obviously would much rather have sexual relationships with women than devote your life to intense study.

You seem to meet the prerequisites. Not ugly. Check. Not out of shape. Check. But then comes your crippling neuroticism and anxiety. This is your obstacle more than anything else. You also say you have no one in your life, family, friends or otherwise. Not trying to be harsh, but this seems to be the picture you're painting.

I'd say, if you're serious and truly desire a change, then you must desensitize yourself to social interaction. I'm no professional but I imagine it is like working out. You do an exercise at an intensity that is difficult, but doable, and you do it until you get some more muscles and then you add some more weight.

You need to immerse yourself in social interaction. Since you are very socially awkward and anxious, I suggest starting as small as possible. Play chess or video games online and chat with people. You can obviously type fine, so I recommend finding a good video game and getting a headset and talking to people online. Even if it is just childish trash talk, fucking trash talk those bitch ass nerd kids until you are confident enough in your speaking abilities to make everyone of them rage quit. Find a way to talk to people online using your voices. Too easy? Start talking to male coworkers or male cashiers at checkout at the store. Too easy? Join a chess club or a club where other people share a common interest. Make them men at first. Baby steps bro. Too easy? Start talking to ugly chicks you would never fuck, even at your most despacito momento (is my Spanish right? LOL). Next, look for an awkward woman online to talk to. Seriously, go to an Anime subreddit and make a post saying "I am a 33 YO awkward and extremely socially anxious man who has never had a girlfriend or sex or physical interaction with a woman without having had paid for it. I am trying to overcome my social anxiety so I can move forward with my life. I am looking for a 18+ YO woman to speak with online audio only at first. Hopefully we can progress to video chat and possibly to in person meet-ups, logistics willing that is. Preferably looking for a woman who is also socially awkward/anxious, who shares at least 1 common interest with me, who is also looking to overcome their social anxiety." Post that on a bunch of subreddits that socially awkward/anxious women go on and move on from there.

Call me crazy, but I believe that there are lifestyle changes you could make to feel less anxious and nervous. Like

-Sleep at least 8 hours per night, preferably waking up and going to be close to sunrise and sunset around the same time each day/night.

-Drink 2L of water a day and get enough Sodium, Potassium, and Magnesium in you.

-Eat a healthy diet (enough calories, at least the RDAs for micronutrients (don't exceed the Tolerable Upper Intakes), don't eat/drink junk foods, etc.)

-Run until you are running at least 4 miles a day without stopping

-Lift or at least do Bodyweight exercises

-Get some sunlight each day

-Meditate ("Breathe" App, "Headspace" App, and the book "Breatheology" are your friends.

-Meet some people you can connect with. Make friends and try to talk to reach out to at least 2 people everyday

-See a fucking mental health professional (you have money to pay hookers to hug you, yet you can't afford 1 visit? Why was that visit a mistake? I got a friend who is about 10 years younger than you who is the same way who is afraid of being Baker acted and so he doesn't go to a Therapist or Psychiatrist. Is it something like that with you?)

I feel for you man. I really do. You got to train yourself to be calm in social situations. Reach out to people.

anonanonetc · 2018-05-12T23:37:03+00:00

The best time to plant a seed was twenty years ago. The next best time is right now.

Aralant · 2018-05-13T00:23:41+00:00

There are many men who choose to go into monk mode. Understand that in chasing women you are exchanging loneliness for drama. Even the most laid back woman will still have some amount of drama associated with her.

michaelkc03 · 2018-05-13T01:18:02+00:00

In my opinion it seems like you have extreme social anxiety. I think the best option would be gradual desensitization....just start out making eye contact with 5-10 strangers a day. Look at it the same way as weight lifting, progressive overloading. Once you can make eye contact, chat up a few strangers...they can be dudes, fatties, whatever feels equivalent to your skill level.

Build with baby steps. It won’t happen over night. Another observation from my life...my anxiety usually comes because my attention is focused outwards...like “what will they think of me if I say “hi”? “Are they judging my walk right now?” This clicked for me when I read this quote: “fear and doubt are an indicator that your need to shift your attention”

So try focusing your attention on to the internal/the present moment. Aka “what would make my life more fun right now?” “What do I feel like doing?” Forget the external judgements/consequences they don’t really matter. If you take a couple seconds to say hi to a girl bare minimum you walk away ALIVE and she gets her ego boosted.

You got this brutha, progressive overloading!

Auphor_Phaksache · 2018-05-13T05:39:10+00:00

I wish I could just say "do this post but with your mouth." You seem pretty chill. Just talk. But I know it's not that easy but if it's any consolation you come across like a down to earth dude.

showerdudes9 · 2018-05-13T07:48:24+00:00

Your problems are like identical to what mine were including social circle/lack of family and friends.

We are the same age too.

What you need to do is stop all porn and nasturbation, period. This is the source of discipline and motivation you need. After that start taking daily cold showers. Great health and discipline benefits. Then start lifting. As opposed to everyone else in this thread i start with the important things you need to do BEFORE lifting because if you go lift first you will never maintain it as your discipline as of current is shit and comfort levels WAY too high. You need to kick that survival instinct alive. We are 33 but we still have a shot at a great life if we deal with this now. Its not worth waiting until we are 43. Then our chance might be over.

wild_deer_man · 2018-05-13T11:33:22+00:00

I tried professional help against all my better judgement. It's not an option. Many reasons for it. No point in explaining those reasons.

I'm sorry but your situation is not very common, so saying that professional help is not an option does not seem like the better judgement.

There are many typea and approaches available today and I am sure you will find one that fits you. I personally think that the normal, talking type psychology is very limited and would rather recommend a kind of behavioral treatment that will also push you to act and do this things that are hard, like approaching women.

I am sure you need not only the ability to act but also someone to help you deal with all the load of negative emotions that come with your situation. Otherwise, you might take one step forward just to fall two backwards.

anonymau5 · 2018-05-13T13:13:10+00:00

Are you lifting?

redvelvet_oreo · 2018-05-13T15:17:43+00:00

I think you have a lot to work on but girls should be the last thing you work on. You need to start becoming a person and loving who you are first. I would start with the following:

Start Going our and meeting people. As other people suggested join a chess club or go to a place where people have the same interests as you.
Work on your Voice and Speaking. This sounds stupid but a lot of people suffer from “not having a voice” and don’t know it. RSD has some good exercises on just shouting and making noises to kind of loosen you up. Even singing a song out loud daily can help with this
You need to learn how to stop being stuck on Logic. Many intelligent guys don’t realize they get stuck in logic mode. Everything has to “make sense” In reality most things never make any sense and are completely irrational. Learning how to break out of your logical mindset will help you become more social.
Get to a gym and pick up some new hobbies.

All I got for now on mobile. Hope this helps

tom-n-texas · 2018-05-13T01:38:14+00:00

Try complimenting girls. “I like your shirt.” “Cute necklace.” Etc. Don’t try to necessarily pick someone up or be obviously flirty or weird. Just be casual. Make it a habit to all females, regardless of age. You’ll get better at it. Make it a game to see if you can find something to compliment about people you come into contact with. Regardless of outcome. You never know. Sometimes a connection can be made at times when you’re not even really trying.

Rollo_Mayhem3 · 2018-05-13T01:49:55+00:00

You don't have your priorities straight. Build male friendships based on common interest. I don't inherently desire male friendships either but they useful and necessary. Is your physical and financial house in order, if not, start there. Otherwise make a friend or two to get out in the world. Anti-anxiety medications ineffective?

wawakaka · 2018-05-13T01:51:03+00:00

you have created the life you are living...you have to look at the choices you are making and ask why. sounds like you have control and intimacy issues, you may be scared to take chances.

certain personality disorders lead to isolation like borderline personality disorder. society is in downward spiral right now. perhaps you are simply avoiding all the misery that can come from dealing with a relationship and women.

redpillspeeddate · 2018-05-13T02:41:22+00:00

Going to second the advice here of women are not first, you need to go do challenging other things then women come after.

I turned my whole life around when I started surfing, not because it is easy but because it is so hard but one of the most rewarding experiences you can do.

If you are not near good surfing, I highly recommend taking up scuba diving. Scuba is an oddly social sport in that you need to do it with a buddy but you can’t talk while actually doing it. There is usually a great and friendly community around it. It’s not the best for meeting girls but it helps get more social and its fun. Get a GoPro, take some dive videos, now you have something to talk about with girls. Even if they don’t dive a video of you playing with a seal or swimming with sharks will impress.

You don’t mention an occupation but if you have the means to travel go to your nearest major city and stay in a youth hostel - go to their planned club nights, everyone is all in the same boat as no one knows each other so in the ride over to the club you are forced to talk to others as they will start the conversation with you. This works in the USA and in Europe.

Travel, go be interesting, do interesting things and the rest will follow

_hazlo · 2018-05-13T02:52:09+00:00

Go on vacation to Thailand. Get a permanent smile on your face.

wheresMYsteakAt · 2018-05-13T03:10:16+00:00

I think you might have some deeper issues. I know that's cliche but I say that because of the way you described getting professional help and the fact that this narrative begins 12 years ago while you are 33 now.

You are entirely focused on women and this is dangerous but no shit right? You probably already knew this. Chess club wont help you get insta laid but it would give you something to do, make you more social, less desperate and possibly boost your testosterone congregating with other men even if you don't rise in the male heirarchy , iron sharpens iron.

Then you add another hobby, it could be counting blades of grass. Doesn't matter, anything that keeps you out of your house. The man who moves mountains begins by carrying small stones.

I'm not sure about directly targeting the actual problem; my first thought Is to ask people directions, what time it is, etc just something that gives you light social contact and has no risk associated with it.

That's about all I got.

monsieurhire2 · 2018-05-13T05:17:24+00:00

The tone of your post is defeatist. Also, it seems like you may suffer from anhedonia (sp) meaning you haven't experienced positive emotions recently enough and psychological pain is your norm.

"What hobbies? What clubs?"

Just make a list of typical hobbies and clubs. Then rank them by what you think you might like. If you like the idea of none of them, then several things:

You are being defeatist;
You only think you won't like it;
If you really want to know if you will like something, you have to invest a minimum of 3 months of activity where you go several times a week;
It can't be a pretext for meeting girls; what makes you attractive is your interest, not hitting on people because the club is a pretext;

Now, assuming you never get a real relationship for the rest of your life, is that a bad thing? Read the stories on here. Even the success stories are fraught with peril. Divorce rape, hypergamy, venereal disease, raising Chad's kid for 18 years, imprisonment on false allegations, getting fired, dealing with BPD, NPD, psycho chicks who damage your property and reputation. Welcome to reality.

Also, lift, proper sleep, proper nutrition, hydrate, work on your appearance, avoid the bad stuff. Easier said than done.
Read the side-bar

AnjaJutta · 2018-05-13T06:23:13+00:00

You don't need to do xyz things for x months and y years to get a chance. You need to structure your life so xyz are a daily part of your life until you die.

UncleChido · 2018-05-13T06:52:26+00:00

Lift. Lift. Lift. Like others have mentioned. You say you’ve started lifting, but I’m guessing you’re not lifting enough. Lifting gives you that confidence you need.

Another thing is dressing well. Find clothes that fit and always look good. This completes your confidence.

Last thing. Start going to places where girls are. No approaches. Just sit and be comfortable around them. Stay at least 30 mins each time. This should slowly make you comfortable around girls. Weeks later (while reading the sidebar) you can start approaching. Gently of course.

3d_truth · 2018-05-13T07:30:29+00:00

Here are the quick fixes.

Join a gym and lift.
Talk to strangers. I know it's uncomfortable but this will she'd your social anxiety like nothing else. Start easy and ask people basic directions. "Is there a 711 near here?". Do at least once a day.

AnotherDisposableMan · 2018-05-13T07:59:35+00:00

I feel you, mate. But you gotta do it now. Half of your life is already over...

Whatever bullshit others try to sell you, here are the THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING:

LIFT
SIDEBAR
Take action, mate.

There is no other way. <---- Don't let this sentence put you in a depressive mood. Instead, realize that less than 1% of the male population (<70 million out of 7 billion) on our planet understand this and act. Count yourself among the lucky ones. Bona fortuna!

screechhater · 2018-05-13T10:47:30+00:00

Quit feeling sorry for yourself smd join a gym. Hire a female athletic trainer.

Take dance classes taught by a woman

Find s womam counselar

Lift. And lift.

Get om youtube for tios on dress and proper behavior.

Journeys start with the first step

Morphs_ · 2018-05-13T12:48:57+00:00

OP, in what country to you live? You mention euro's, so that is somewhere in the EU I assume. The psychologists you've been to are wack. I got help from one last year, a guy one year older than me. I specifically requested him because at first I was paired with a 20-something chick first who seemed incapable at helping me, because I wanted to discuss my depression, masculinity and sex.

Considering you've been hiding for 12 years, you have a lot of catching up to do. You say you want a shortcut to dating/fucking a chick without paying for it, but hookers ARE that shortcut.

If you want to have a woman geniunely want to have sex/cuddle/whatever with you, you need to come across as someone who has his life in order at least a little bit.

The aspects for you to work on are: physical, work, mental and social. - Mental: learn how to meditate. I would actually advice you to go and find a Vipassana meditation retreat. I think it's perfect for you since it's really hardcore and talking/social contact aren't allowed for the during of the ten days you're there. You'll develop a lot of insight in yourself, your past and you'll learn some willpower to get things started in your life. - Pysical: go lift, lift harder, research into diets. If already covered, add some form of martial arts or learn to dance (which is what I did). - Work: get a job. Doesn't matter much what job at first, but you have to develop work ethic, else you won't be getting anywhere. Earning your living feels good. If you're smart you can devise something from your house, else flip burgers. - Social: this one is the most difficult because it entails a lot of anxiety. Start slowly with small challenges like simply going to the mall, or have a beer by yourself in a bar. Then start to say "hello" to people as you pass them by while entering/leaving a building. Make small-talk, etc.

You can start at some point and go from there, or work on all four of them at once. All will in some way help you get a girl, with work being the one most distanced from that (i.e. you work for yourself and your own life mostly).

Two_kids_in_a_coat · 2018-05-13T17:41:17+00:00

Read no more mr nice guy. You NEED male friends, you’re looking to women as validation which is basically female repellent. Get to the gym, lift heavy shit, make some male friends then come back in six months. There is no one step cure, but there are many steps you can make to get what you want.

Scuzzin · 2018-05-13T20:21:55+00:00

It sounds like you're not even trying due to your social anxiety and fear of rejection. No girl is gonna kick your door in and say "give me the d right now." You got to at least put yourself out there (physically), and you will probably have to approach unless you are Chad Thundercock. Those evil scumlords you described have an advantage over you in getting women in that they are physically around girls and can talk with them. That's about it.

TRPAndNofapGotMeLaid · 2018-05-13T20:37:36+00:00

Start for small. Dont even think about cold approaching for now. Start of with something like saying "Hi" to one person every day. Then gradually build up your interactions to the point where you realize there is nothing to be scared of

H8CourtshipALot217 · 2018-05-13T21:56:48+00:00

why am I not surprised, it enrages me as to cases like this happen to men more than women

iFrashi · 2018-07-08T06:04:07+00:00

wtf ahahahaha

HansMeiser5000 · 2018-08-13T09:42:37+00:00

It seems that you suffer from the psychological phenomena referred to as "tunnel vision". When we experience scarcity of a resource we feel we urgently need, we can become obsessed with it tho a degree where the obsession itself is detrimental. I can relate because I'm in a very similar situation to yours. Check the NPR podcast series Hidden Brain, there is an episode called Tunnel Vision that has a good of the phenomena.

thingsnstuff881 · 2018-10-11T03:02:21+00:00

Get your butt to a therapist ASAP, not kidding. A good one, not government funded, ask you family to help wit cost. I'm not kidding,

I had been living with Social anxiety and depression for almost 20 years. It turns out I was actually suffering from PTSD from something I didn't even know about. It might not be that bad but buddy, your story sounds very familiar.

First I saw a Psychologist to help treat Anxiety without meds, that got me excising, mediating and eating better. We saw a little progress, not much. She eventually diagnosed me with PTSD. I started doing something called EMDR therapy with another psychologist. It was hard but it fixed a lot of issues, and got rid of a lot of anxiety. I'm still not 100% there, but its still 10x better.

When ts all you are use to, even if its horrible the fear of things getting better can be worse than anything else. Find a good therapist, get a proper diagnosis and start working on this. You can make all the excuses you want not to but all you are doing is coming up with rationalizations to stay in your safe lonely way of life.

numandina · 2018-05-13T04:55:10+00:00

You're a loser who shouldn't contribute to the gene pool. I'm really sorry. Find a passion so you leave something behind for our civilization. Get into academics or the arts.

Title	33 years old. Never had girlfriend. Socially isolated.
Author	abcaaron
Upvotes	56
Comments	102
Date	May 12, 2018 8:45 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/8iytaw/33_years_old_never_had_girlfriend_socially/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/33-years-old-never-had-girlfriend-socially.716 https://theredarchive.com/post/716

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