How do I un-'Nice Guy' myself?

headie · 2016-06-15T15:30:35+00:00

Your answers seem weird. People here try to help you with tidbits of advice but you kind of explain yourself away.

You seem to just kinda want to change, unsure of it all. Maybe find a reason first. Most people turn to trp after some last-straw experience. I'm sure you've also had yours so be sure to internalize them and bring yourself to a point where enough's enough.

Then you won't approach things with having no idea what to do. You'll know exactly what you need to become, and you'll be gunning for it til your dead.

FrootPicker · 2016-06-15T12:11:47+00:00

For how long have you been doing this?

Also, why is your stuff only "mostly in check"? Man up.

Start meditating, try monk mode, think about your goals, socialize more, read more TRP material and envision yourself becoming an alpha. Ask yourself, "how could I have acted more alpha" in every situation.

DBsix · 2016-06-15T15:35:46+00:00

It will be a journey. You are raised to be a nice guy and have been one all your life. It's not going to be reversed in a couple of months. It can take years.

The most important tool is introspection. Do one thing to accelerate progress - at the end of every day, introspect and think of the things you did throughout the day. Try to spot signs of nice guy behaviour. Write them down. Then write down what you need to do differently if such a situation were to arise again. This one exercise helps tremendously. Read and re-read good literature like NMMNG to spot and correct your mistakes better.

Think deeply about the things you did out of compulsion of being a nice person. Trace back the roots of your subconscious programming. What event(s) in your past could be causing you to behave in this way? Forgive yourself and others involved in those events. Accept this flaw in your personality and give yourself permission to take baby steps towards improving them.

One thing NMMNG suggests is sharing this process with friends or family you really trust. If you even have one person you can do that with, that's immense. It will help you tremendously.

Remember it will take. Don't become complacent but don't become a nervous wreck too just because you found out you are a "nice guy". Tons of people go through life without ever finding out how fucked up they are. Good luck.

twoliberal · 2016-06-15T16:13:53+00:00

You sound like you have depression and/or a motivation problem. See a doctor and make sure all your chemistry is solid before moving forward.

PemBayliss · 2016-06-15T21:06:59+00:00

How do you "un-Nice Guy" yourself?

Well, taking your bullet points one by one:

--don't seek validation from others. You don't need it. If you're with a girl, and you're not married to her, break up with her.

If you are married to a woman and you have no children, and the relationship doesn't work well, strongly consider divorce because (1) that's where you're probably headed anyway and (2) you're probably not right for each other anyway and (3) had you been not a "Nice Guy" you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

--start doing things for yourself that you like doing that are not destructive, even if you don't like the fact that you're doing a nice thing for yourself.

--go back and reexamine the goals and dreams you gave up, and re-adopt the ones that will work for you now.

--Seek therapy for your anxiety and negativity. Don't just go to talk therapy and do nothing in your life in response to it. You have to actually DO the things the therapist suggests. If all you are doing in therapy is talking about how shitty your life is once every two weeks, and you're not doing anything, and your life isn't improving in 3 months, discontinue therapy and find another therapist. Strongly, strongly consider cognitive behavioral therapy.

--you need to take some risks (do you mean risk averse?)

--Don't "live your feelings". Feel your feelings, let them pass on through and go on out, and then live based on facts.

--there are men you can connect to. Connecting with men you have something in common with is the easiest way. Find men in a common interest group.

Finally -- you need to go "Monk Mode". You're exactly the kind of man Monk Mode was made for. You don't really know yourself. You need to go Monk so you can learn who and what you are, and what you're made of, and what you're capable of.

Pasc78 · 2016-06-15T13:13:19+00:00

NMMNG was a revelation for me but it seems you've a long way to go?

Why are you shaving everyday and worried about your body hair? Grow a beard. That'll make you feel more of a man. I'm really hairy and never worried about it. Are men that shave all over and groom to excess real men? No. They look like girls.

trpthroway123 · 2016-06-15T15:16:23+00:00

Force yourself out of your comfort zone, at least once a day.

Go to a new place. Call a friend and propose an activity. Approach the hottest girl on the street and get her name, try for her number. Go somewhere you're not supposed to, like an employee-only door (just pretend you're looking for a bathroom). Lie to someone's face. Jump off something tall. Climb a tree. Rent a moped/jetski/quad/paddleboard/surf board and try some new activities.

When you see that the repercussions of all these anxiety-creating risks are negligible, you'll just stop being so afraid.

As for the need for validation and feeling empty, set yourself some goals. Right now, you're going through the motions with no end-game. Lift to hit a certain target, like benching your body weight. Run to achieve something, like a half-marathon.

Do you want to earn a degree? Land a certain job? Buy a certain car? Make a certain income? Figure out what it is that you want, how you can get there, and start down the path.

Tamarin24 · 2016-06-15T23:22:34+00:00

Do things that normally would feel uncomfortable for you. Say what ever is on your mind regardless of what people think of you. Walk up to a 10 that you'd never dare talk to. Regardless if you get a number or not to point is you're stretching your social legs and seeing how far you can go with them. Practice on normal everyday people as well.

Surfincloud9 · 2016-06-16T00:57:14+00:00

Step 1: have more faith in yourself Step 2: stop saying what's wrong with you Step 3: practice not giving a fuck what people think

fvsz · 2016-06-15T10:18:26+00:00

Read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. Changed my life.

chasethenews · 2016-06-15T14:05:20+00:00

Contact your old friends, hang out with family, go meet new people go meet new people go meet new people.

Also, buy some 4fa and drink about 40mgs (add it to water) before you go out if you really need to, It gives you a little bit of energy but a real feeling of connectivity to your surroundings. It's real cheap honestly and I liked using it before going clubbing (I did more, but started at 40mgs.)

Pasc78 · 2016-06-15T16:39:47+00:00

If you know it to be true, take it onboard and improve yourself. Otherwise you'll be a beta bitch pushed around for the rest of your life.

I found it eye opening and see it as an opportunity to make a better me with 'inside' knowledge.

everythingisthrown · 2016-06-15T16:48:13+00:00

Get angry

chaseemall · 2016-06-15T20:35:24+00:00

Pick ONE thing to do for yourself.

Do it. Do it everyday until you succeed at it. Don't think about the next day or the next minute while doing it. Just do that one thing.

It doesn't matter what it is. Don't worry about whether it meets your deepest needs. Don't worry about how it defines you. Just pick something to be good at. Chase competency and the depths of your ability. Don't worry about yourself so much.

PemBayliss · 2016-06-15T21:13:53+00:00

Yeah. Now I've read through the responses, and OP's replies.

OP, you need to decide if doing the work to "un-NiceGuy" yourself is worth it to you. That's the first thing you need to do. Is the work worth it, or not? The answer to that question dictates all further action and responses.

Nucka574 · 2016-06-15T17:40:48+00:00

Sounds like you might benefit from a couple sessions of self esteem therapy/counselling.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

newguy889 · 2016-06-16T01:22:31+00:00

For some reason, no one has mentioned "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover yet. Read that shit and stop acting like a pussy.

If you still need convincing to stand up for yourself, put yourself first, and ignore other people that don't have worth to you, read "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins. Sure, it's a little more out there, and certainly conceptual, but if you learn to apply what he talks about, you'll have a good understanding of what I'm talking about.

Remember, don't just exercise your body, your mind needs exercise as well.

Title	How do I un-'Nice Guy' myself?
Author	hunteeer
Upvotes	31
Comments	89
Date	June 15, 2016 9:58 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4o6kml/how_do_i_unnice_guy_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-i-un-nice-guy-myself.235 https://theredarchive.com/post/235

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