Anyone Have Conversation and/or Confidence-building Techniques They Can Share? I'm 23, F, with Social Anxiety, especially Around Guys I'm Attracted to. :(

LikeableAssholeBro · 2012-07-24T23:47:14+00:00

I would recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, its a great intro to people skills book. For the confidence, i would just bite the bullet and go out and make a Huge, Monumental leap and say hi to a stranger ahead of you in line somewhere. doesnt matter where, or who. just say hi. it doesnt even matter if you ignore everything he says back.

next time, say hi and smile. each time get just a little more confident. then carry on a conversation. once you get comfortable, start over with attractive guys.

the only way to get over approach/social anxiety (really, any fear) is by doing it.

Youre awesome, you got this.

NoKnees99 · 2012-07-25T00:45:39+00:00

Female here -- I can understand where you're coming from. I didn't even realize I had this problem until someone called me "cold and unapproachable." I had a really hard time talking to any guy that I thought was even kinda cute. Crashed and burned and made an ass of myself. So eventually I screwed up my courage and started on the low-hanging fruit. Killing kobolds with your longsword and wooden shield, if you will. Just trying to level up in talk-to-guys. Seriously.

Pimply 16-year-olds bagging my groceries or stocking shelves. Random dudes waiting my tables. Old guys sitting at bus stops. Start with eye contact and see if you can make it stop feeling like a threat. Then more than eye contact-- smile in a friendly way, maybe even say hi and a few words. Maybe not.

This was the important part for me -- they were guys who would pretty much cease to exist as soon as I finished whatever or wherever I was. You get to practice eye contact and a smile, they might think "oh, what a weirdo" or "oh, what a nice girl." But you'll never know which one it is, and you don't need to. You just got some confidence in meeting a man's eyes, and it didn't blow up in your face. No one laughed at you.

After that you can move up to small pieces of conversation, or whatever. The great thing about this approach is that you can be whoever the fuck you want, because it's throwaway (like Reddit!). Try saying one thing you wouldn't normally say. Complement a guy on his hair, his nerdy shirt, what he's reading, whatever, and just walk away after that snatch of conversation dies out. Then your brain can freak the fuck out for an hour about how stupid you sounded -- but you did something new. And when your brain calms down from fight or flight mode, you might realize that you didn't sound that stupid after all and it wasn't that scary.

Give yourself permission to fuck up and sound stupid and be ok with that and work your way up from there. I was always afraid someone was watching and keeping a tally of how many times I fucked up social interactions-- that doesn't actually happen. Try using some throwaway social situations to get comfortable with who you actually want to be in conversation and bring that confidence back to your normal, everyday self.

I hope that helps :)

ObscuroMagna · 2012-07-24T23:45:48+00:00

For #1: Touch the dude. Shoulder, then arm, then look at him for a second. If that doesn't send a message, move to the next one. That's the easiest and best way to flirt.

For #2: Talk about what you know, you'll sound more confident, and they might have similar interests. I try to talk about books, comics, whatever is on my mind until something we mutually enjoy comes up in conversation.

For escalation, see #1. Then kiss.

JimmyNic · 2012-07-24T23:50:17+00:00

I feel kind of weird giving advice to a girl, but I've made some progress in the eye contact/smiling department recently, so maybe this will help you.

The reason that I was afraid of making eye contact/smiling was that I was afraid of expressing sexual interest in someone else. Perhaps this pertains to you also. I'd advise you to open a word document and write about this idea in relation to yourself. You can then save it, bin it or if you are feeling brave post it up here. Then when you next go out give yourself newbie missions of progressive difficulty. Try locking eyes with men you are attracted to for a few seconds. Then try looking them in the eye and smiling. Work your way up.

Also realise that if a guy is looking you in the eye there is a good chance he is checking you out.

uberafc · 2012-07-24T23:59:49+00:00

Have you ever been approached by a guy? What did you do if you weren't attracted to the guy? What did you do if you were attracted?

phallic_audio · 2012-07-26T00:47:32+00:00

This might be a little late but let me tell you that you are in a better position than most guys. Since you at least have that confidence as far as your looks are concerned, I can assure you that we as guys are more patient to socially awkward girls who are at least nice to look at. With that in mind here's some things that hopefully will help you

-opening can be as simple as "hi" or "how are you doing?". You can tell off the bat if the other party is interested by the way they respond. Usually there will be some sort of clue if they want to extend the interaction. If not, I usually just use them to warm up or practice my conversation skills.

-after you open, and they don't seem too keen on extending the interaction, stack forward right away. Its better if you stack forward with a statement then followed by a clarification or a story. Questions usually leads to a lot more lull in the conversation.

-don't worry about the outcome of the interaction, just focus on what you guys are talking about and respond. Respond to whatever they are saying.

-it doesn't matter how different the topics are I find it easier to transition to another topic by just making a statement. Key is to make your own personality shine.

-be careful about the amount of energy you give out. Make sure you are just a notch or two higher than your conversation partner's energy. The purpose of it is so you can elevate who you are talking to to a better state of energy. If the interaction is going well, you both will find yourself in this awesome energy level (usually called "having fun")

-yes the escalation ladder should also happening in conjunction with the conversation. I dunno if there's a female version for it but read the dicarlo escalation ladder, adjust according to your personality.

-always think you as a person is a gift to the world that is meant to be shared. Think of your best personality traits and think about the best way you can share that to everyone without shoving it in their faces.

-DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF... EVER! I will go insanity wolf on yo ass if needed.

RedErin · 2012-07-26T21:24:26+00:00

A lot of people have similar social anxiety problems. And trust me, you can eventually learn to get over them. It will take a lot of practice, but it is possible. Search this sub for "Thank" to find a lot of success stories from people like you that learn to get over their fear. Stay a while and do some reading, (especially the sidebar).

nateking1 · 2012-07-25T02:57:05+00:00

As a guy with social anxiety when I was young, the only cure is to do build up more social experience. That way your callous to anything minor. More experience = More Confidence.

Also you can: Lose Weight, Get a Tan, Do Yogo, Eat Better, Work Out, Read More, and be More Sexual.

throwawaysed218 · 2012-07-25T12:18:34+00:00

Here's a conversation opener, 'hey, i'm really shy, but i think you are hot'. Obviously only use it with guys you want to lay.

This is a magical opener since it conveys a lot of good things like courage, the fact that you are awkward, your explicit sexual interest in the guy. Once you say this your brain will automatically open up the floodgates, and the conversation will flow.

Also, you don't need conversation skills to fuck, since you are a girl. Just ask about availability of the guy with 'are you single', 'do you live nearby'. Or just 'have condoms?'

Most ways girls try to attract men like giving 'significant' glances, positioning nearby, showing skin, eye contact, smiling, touching are all prone to getting lost in translation. We evolved the ability to speak for good reasons, and should try to use it.

And just fyi, i have seen girls just straight up ask a guy to fuck or hand the guy their number with a 'call me' or ask if the guy 'has a girl', with no prior conversation or contact.They are also the most successful at getting the guys they want, while other girls sit around waiting. That's about the level of game a girl needs. Seriously.

javixm · 2012-07-26T01:38:15+00:00

To attract guys all you need to be is hot.

Go work on your physical appearance ASAP.

Hit the gym, eat healthy home-cooked meals, get rid of the acne, and put on high heels all-day every day. Flats (especially flip-flops) are a turnoff to most guys.

Wear skirts and dresses.

Furthermore, learn how to cook. Man will stick around if his girl actually takes care of him. If you want a relationship, you better bring more than just your looks.

The way you look has a direct effect on your confidence.

All this can be summed up into 3 words: Be more feminine.

PS. I second the motion of the person who said to read How To Win Friends And Influence People. You can read that and work on your physical appearance at the same time.

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