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[–]WeakEmu8 11 points12 points13 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
i know that shouldn't matter
Why shouldn't it matter?
[–]ChaotixEDM -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I dunno cause you shouldn't be shallow? and i feel like I'm being a jerk i guess.
[–]revente 10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Going after your natural desire is not shallow. It’s her that should feel bad because she’s deceived you with photos, not the other way arround.
[–]WeakEmu8 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Would you date someone you don't find attractive?
[–]Therocksays2020 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You’re not shallow. You were misled whether intentional or not. Just let her know you want to be friends.
My best female friend is a dating hookup who I had no attraction to. She’s a great wingman and because we get along so well. We chat it up all the time
[–]galaxybrowniess 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
End it now, otherwise it'll just hurt here more later. Your ideas and decisi9nd are the most important, find someone who fully seems perfect for you, even if it means seeing a few different people. Honesty is the best policy.
[–]AffirmativePeace 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
As a woman, the best thing a man can do is always be honest. She will respect you for your honesty and maybe you all can be really good friends. But, please don’t lead her on. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Delivery is EVERYTHING!
[–]hunterpua 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If you don't want her, you don't click.
[–]smiling_coconut4769 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Negative ghost rider there is nothing wrong with having standards and staying true to yourself.
An anecdote I can provide you is when I was 19 there was this one girl who was 21 that I got involved with and I really enjoyed her sense of humor and got along better with her than I do with most females. She claimed that I was out of her league and she didn't understand why I chose her. Ultimately, I was not really sexually attracted to her. Yes, I was hornier than a two dicked dog and would have fucked a snake if somebody held the head, so I was keen to jump immediately into sex. However, because I did not have strong desire of sexual attraction to her I would go soft on her during intercourse.
The second time I went soft on her, she hopped off and began crying and would not face me. She was bawling in defeat because she claimed I did not find her attractive. My naïve self told her she should try watching some porn sometime to get some insight to turn me on... not the best response as it hurt her feelings and pissed her off that she "needs to be some dirty pornstar" to get me off. Began fighting an uphill battle trying to make her feel better while not staying to true to myself.
Hindsight is 20/20. Lesson learned - if I am not physically attracted to a girl I am not going to get involved with intercourse because an instance like this will take a greater dig at the their self esteem than just avoiding it from the start. I know this is a more extreme case but if you are not feeling it, probably for the best that you call a spade a spade now and walk away before you have to run.
[–]bazmoe 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Not shallow bro. Had the same thing happen to me recently. Met a girl off Tinder, talked to her for two weeks. Our schedules never met so it took a while but we finally linked up over some beers. Let's just say she did not look like her pictures.
I can only imagine that the women that do this are looking for a guy that will accept them for their personality and not their looks. Looks aren't everything but I'd like someone to look the way they look in their pictures.
[–]Archangel-Raziel -5 points-4 points-3 points 5 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link
I've been in the exact same situation.
I believe it's right to be honest with the other person and not waste her time or give her high hopes. She'll be hurt even more later on.
If you're afraid of crushing her feelings, you can cut her off in a smart way. Make it seem like she's the one that doesn't want you anymore.
[–]BurnItDownSR 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link
That's not smart, that's just manipulative. Better to just rip off the band aid.
[–]Archangel-Raziel 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
I mean exactly what u/Mo3 said.
It's not necessary to damage her self esteem.
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Why not? If its the truth then she's gotta face it some time.
Its something that will eventually catch up to her. The earlier it does, the better.
Her being delusional for a long time about how attractive she is, is much more damaging in the long term because it'll cause her to act based on false assumptions.
He won't be damaging her self esteem out of malice. He will just be causing incidental damage because his intention in rejecting her is not to hurt her but to do what's best for him.
[–]JetPillar 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Just because OP doesn’t find her attractive doesn’t mean she’s not attractive. She’s just not attractive to him. You don’t have to tell someone you think they’re ugly when you reject them.
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
You don’t have to tell someone you think they’re ugly when you reject them.
Definitely. But you can and should be the one who rejects them when you're the one who isn't interested.
[–]JetPillar 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Okay and? I don’t get your point. You said she was being delusional about how attractive she is, and my point was that just because OP doesn’t find her attractive doesn’t mean she isn’t. What makes you think OP is a raging stud who has the final say in how pretty this girl is? It’s fine that he doesn’t find her attractive, but when he rejects her, he doesn’t have to say, I like you but you’re too ugly. That’s unnecessary.
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Where in my previous comments did I ever say that he should tell her she's ugly?
[–]JetPillar -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Implying that this wasn’t just OP not being attracted to her and there is some great underlying “truth” to why he rejected her.
Implying that other men won’t find her attractive either and she needs to fix something to be considered attractive. If it’s just that he’s not feeling it, what do you think is going to catch up to her?
Implying again that she’s not attractive and needs to fix herself. Just because OP doesn’t feel attracted to her doesn’t mean she isn’t. He’s one person. Her believing she’s beautiful is not delusional and unless you’re advocating for OP to tell her she’s not pretty enough right here, why do you say it’s going to stop her from making decisions based on her supposedly false assumption that she attractive?
If he doesn’t tell her she’s ugly and that’s why he rejected her, how could he be damaging her self esteem? Having someone say “hey I don’t feel the connection” doesn’t destroy self esteem. People don’t click. It happens all the time. He doesn’t have to worry about her and her “false assumptions” just tell her it’s not going to work and move on.
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes. If one guy doesn't find her appealing then it is the truth that she isn't that appealing.
She may be appealing to others but getting fairly honest feedback from as many guys as she dates will give her a much more accurate idea of where she stands in terms of attractiveness.
OP didn't say he's just not feeling it. He states in his post that it is about her looks.
Attractiveness isn't binary. She doesn't need to think she's ugly to face the truth of where she stands, she can still think she's attractive but maybe less attractive than she previously estimated.
If he doesn’t tell her she’s ugly and that’s why he rejected her, how could he be damaging her self esteem?
You really think rejection in and of itself hasn't damaged the self-esteem of anyone in the history of the world?
Remember, if you accidentally bump your shoulder on a wall and a light bruise forms that's still damage.
I'm getting the impression that when you think of damage you picture something catastrophic. That's not the only kind of damage that exists.
Having someone say “hey I don’t feel the connection” doesn’t destroy self esteem.
Case in point. The destruction of self-esteem is not necessarily the same as just damaging self-esteem.
He doesn’t have to worry about her and her "false assumptions"
Sounds like this is something you should be telling the other guy I was debating.
just tell her it’s not going to work and move on.
This is exactly what I recommend OP does.
[–]Mo3 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
Maybe he means something like presenting yourself like an absolute beta or idiot on purpose so she'll lose interest/attraction and call it quits and think it's her idea. I'd find that morally acceptable if the other person seems like they would take it very personally. I subscribe to the idea that there is good altruistic manipulation and bad egoistic manipulation. Freezeouts are much worse manipulation in my opinion.
[–]BurnItDownSR -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
A freezeout is when you ignore her, essentially ghosting her but telling her you aren't interested in her is a completely different thing and not manipulative at all.
Maybe he means something like presenting yourself like an absolute beta or idiot on purpose
This was also what I thought he meant and its manipulative because you'd effectively be lying.
[–]Mo3 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
A freezeout is the definition of manipulativeness if the other person has feelings for you.
[–]BurnItDownSR -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree. Does my comment somehow give you the impression that I support freezing someone out?
[–]Lurkinghereandthere2 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Gaslighting 101
[–]backagainfortha1time 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Nope women do this 24/7 and never bat an eye. Tell her to get lost and swipe on.
[–]NDex101 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm going to get some mean comments, but hear me out. Why is it that women can be shallow and not date a man for his looks, but for his money and yet, a man can't date a woman based on her looks? "Only woman, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provide something." ~ Chris Rock. So, even by society's standards, it's okay for women to be shallow. I'm here to say,"No." In fact, that's what we prefer a woman to be. Beautiful. Not all of us, but most us would prefer a nice looking woman. There's nothing wrong with that. It's called standards. Date who you want. That is our preference. Do not settle for anything you will not tolerate. You don't want to settle, she reaches over one day, and you can't perform, not because you can't get it up, but because you feel nothing from her. Her beauty isn't helping you. She should always be your aphrodisiac. Anyhow, I say cut ties and begin anew. Don't waste your years figuring it out.
[–]Willie_T_0311 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I don’t think she was honest and that is on her. That is a risk she took. I have done FaceTime with a girl before going on a date and found that to be helpful.
[–]Shadow__Account 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
I have this every month, i use to slowly fade them out, i got more unresponsive and just yes no answers so it would die down "naturally". But i realized that's actually a bad thing to do, so now i straight up tell them i really like you as a person and i think we had great convo but i just don't feel the physical attraction. After i tell them i would be open to still see each other as friends and all of them say they understand and they are cool with it, but it all just dies from there on.On one hand it's a funny thing me friendzoning tons of women, me that was once the most insecure guy in the world that couldn't get any woman but on the other hand i truly hate making people feel bad and it feels bad every fucking time, but i think there is no way around it and it has to be done.
Anyway the way i formulate it, is the truth and its not necessarily based on looks. I would say the same to a good looking girl with 0 personality.I discussed this withwomen, thats why i switched from slowely "ghosting" to just being upfront and all women told me not hearing anything is the worst for them and they prefer and respect honesty.
We should not feel too bad though, this is friend zoning we cant force attraction and when they have great personalities they will definitely find someone that does find them attractive just as when we are getting rejected and its their loss.
To think out loud and counter my own whole argument, my struggle with this is a lot of times i think i could potentially fall in love with some of them if i don't go for the looks and just based of character and keep dating them and maybe not have sex so fast but have like 5 date do fun stuff and get closer naturally. But than again, if that is the case i am missing out on a great thing and it is actually my loss and not hers.
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[–]WeakEmu8 11 points12 points13 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]ChaotixEDM -1 points0 points1 point (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]revente 10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]WeakEmu8 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Therocksays2020 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]galaxybrowniess 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]AffirmativePeace 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]hunterpua 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]smiling_coconut4769 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]bazmoe 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Archangel-Raziel -5 points-4 points-3 points (15 children) | Copy Link
[–]BurnItDownSR 1 point2 points3 points (13 children) | Copy Link
[–]Archangel-Raziel 2 points3 points4 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]JetPillar 0 points1 point2 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]JetPillar 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]JetPillar -1 points0 points1 point (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]BurnItDownSR 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Mo3 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]BurnItDownSR -1 points0 points1 point (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Mo3 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]BurnItDownSR -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lurkinghereandthere2 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]backagainfortha1time 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]NDex101 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Willie_T_0311 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Shadow__Account 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link