[22M] Struggling with self esteem: I feel inferior to attractive girls

TheDevilPutD · 2020-11-13T14:26:16+00:00

You will need to dig deep into your childhood to figure out when it was exactly that you decided you are inferior. It could have been a number of subtle put downs from your family, a traumatic event, something someone in a position of authority told you as a kid and you believe it to be an immutable truth.

Once you have a list of 3-5 such events, go back and relive these emotions. You need to feel them in your body. Once you do, sit down and think about what benefits, opportunities or lessons you may have derived from these events?

Let me give you an example. My mom was a typical mom. Every time I'd go out, she'd point out something wrong about me. Maybe my shirt was dirty, my pants ripped, my hair uncombed, whatever. It was always "Don't go out with a dirty shirt, what are all the other kids going to think of you?" And so on and so forth. That's enough to cause anyone to be self conscious and anxious about everything they do and only worry about pleasing others as opposed to pleasing themselves.

So I reframed these events as: Ok mom, I tried living life your way, following all the rules you told me ai needed to follow and I ended up being miserable. So the lesson I learned from all of this is that only I know what's best for me. Not my mom, not my dad, not society, no one else.

The final step is to see the people who caused you this trauma in a new light. I knew my mom was insecure herself and she was projecting her insecurities over to me. I understood and forgave her because she taught me a lesson at the end.

So find out what event caused you to feel so inferior and try to reframe it in the way I showed you. You will know when you are over a traumatic event when you become grateful it happened rather than wishing it never did.

Double-Chip · 2020-11-13T14:36:28+00:00

One of my closest friends from college was and still is in a very similar situation to you my friend. Like yourself he struggled with self esteem issues and was the type of guy that wasn’t necessarily bad looking but his lack of confidence showed when he tried approaching women. I witnessed this man do a complete 180 in his life after he got so fed up being the only virgin in our friend group (we never belittled him for it, in fact we always tried to be wing-men for him) he started working out and lost a noticeable amount of weight and started hitting on girls. To our surprise the awkward shy guy we once knew, switched up and starts crushing it with the ladies. When we asked him what changed his only words were, “I’m tired of not trying, enough was enough no one was gonna change me but me” and I don’t think I’ve ever respected him as much as I did then.

Morale of the story is even if you’re down just know that no professional is gonna be able to do what only you can. The last thing I’ll leave you with is 10 years from now you’re either gonna look back with regret or with satisfaction, which one it’ll be is up to you now! Good luck my friend you are not alone

Edit: my friend is not currently a god with the ladies but he gets frequent dates

kell_fire · 2020-11-13T14:22:33+00:00

Therapy?

SynergizedSoul · 2020-11-13T19:45:30+00:00

I know this is a bit cliché, but at some point you have to just stop caring what other people think of you. Not because people are attracted to uncaring assholes, but because when you stop caring and stop trying to act a certain way to impress people, you can actually be yourself. If you like who you are, other people are bound to also.

revente · 2020-11-13T20:07:22+00:00

Well you are overthinking. Spend more time with attractive girls and see yourself how depressingly human they are.

Dodechaedron · 2020-11-13T19:00:52+00:00

I feel, my feelings, ... It's all in your head

SkeetOnMyFeet12 · 2020-11-14T01:20:54+00:00

Same. I fell victim to the boys are pervs, boys are dumb, boys must serve women, etc. messages in the media as a youngster. I thought that was how it was. Bullying and constantly moving schools in elementary school didnt help either. Focus on yourself. Notice that people are jusg people. You have beliefs and thought patterns that make you feel inferior to women or even other people. Notice these thoughts, realize that they arent truth, and push out of your comfort zone daily! When you realize thoughts arent who you are, you'll feel that youre purely love. Meditation helps a ton! Be mindful and stay present babyyyy. Know that youre only limiting urself. No one else is. You decide your self worth. No one else does.

MisterShogunate · 2020-11-13T16:31:23+00:00

You don't build confidence by talking or thinking. You build confidence by doing. It's experience that tells yourself you are worth something. Yes you can "talk to yourself" about being confidence, but you can only work with whatever you have. Imaging trying to build a skyscraper. The skyscraper is your confidence, the concrete is your experience and your mind is the molder. You can build your skyscraper as high as you can, but if you are using too little concrete, it will just break down. Now if you have a lot of concrete, you can build that sky scraper as high as you want.

Stop complaining, start doing. What you did was great, but you need to do more. You need to actually build experience when talking to people. You will get rejected, but you will also learn social skills and have a deeper understanding of how people perceive value. You are over-valuing hot girls because you don't have an understanding of what it's like to be with one.

AdventurousParsnip5 · 2020-11-13T20:06:10+00:00

I (20F) have always felt pretty good in my skin, and without meaning to sound cocky, I have been pursued by good looking/charming people my whole life. All of my girlfriends are good-looking and smart people as well, so if I understand correctly, we'd be the kind of girls you'd want to attract.

Here's a few ways to grab a pretty girls attention, wether you are conventionally attractive or not:

Charm > looks, always. If you don't think you are a naturally charming person, then good news, that's a quality you can always work on. Eye-contact is key, always remember names and work on your communication skills. If you can hold a conversation and make others feel really, truly seen, you're golden.
You've probably heard this before, but confidence is everything. It can be felt instantly by a woman, and it's ridiculously attractive. Fake it til you make it.
What you lack, others have. But what others lack, you may have too. Start doing your research and noticing which patterns drive women off. If I meet a handsome man but he doesn't listen to me/only talks about himself, I'll be turned off. What do you have to offer that is unique to YOU? What are YOU good at? Could be writing, making art, programming, music, building things, having good book recs, etc. Doesn't matter what it is, how "nerdy" it is: if you do it well, people will respect you.

Pitying yourself and your situation is a sure way of never progressing. Everybody has something to offer. Some girls suck, too. Just because they're pretty, doesn't mean you actually want them around you or that they're good for you. They'll make you feel even shittier. Don't envy what others have, that can instantly be felt in your energy. If you aren't happy with who you are, it's difficult to make others see the value in having you around.

Good luck!

AligatorTears · 2020-11-13T22:34:09+00:00

Others have already given some good advice directly relating to self esteem. It's good advice and I don't feel I need to add anything there.

Regarding gym socialization, I used to wonder why other people at the gym seemed so friendly with each other when my pattern was to show up, warm up in a quiet corner of the mat room, move heavy things in the weight room, then do laps of the pool to cool down and then leave. I want there to be social so people politely left me to do my thing.

If you want gym friends, join classes and show up early when people are waiting around if you can, bring a friend and have a loud conversation about how you find free weights intimidating or how you don't have a strong opinion about CrossFit. Somebody will magically appear to assist you and introduce you to everybody. Everybody at the gym was new and intimidated at some point and the opportunity to be a mentor to somebody else in the final stage for a lot of people in feeling like they finally fit in. If that is a bit too intimidating, you can pin a message to the gym notice board of they have one saying you are looking for gym friends for the purpose of staying motivated. You'll be surprised how many people are looking for the same thing.

Bonus feature: if you befriend girls who are at the start of the process of losing a while lot of weight you'll be less intimidated of them as the get hotter because you've already established yourself as their friend. When you compare the hot girls you are approaching, you'll realise that they are flawed humans who have to work and make sacrifices to look like that. Sometimes you can only really internalize that information when you've seen it first hand.

starwaterbird · 2020-11-13T22:56:02+00:00

Whenever you feel this about yourself, this senses of inferiority, watch it but try not to judge it or run from it. Try to see it as something that's simply happening. Not something that definitely your existence. The only thing that is true, is that you exist. That's it. That's the only thing that is actually true. Everything after that is just "acting". You're in a role you've practiced for so long, you see it as reality. The best tip i give anyone in life is to just be. When I used to go to bars and clubs, my main thing was just positioning. I'd just put myself next to a girl, or press up against them without thinking. No intentions, no excuses. Like I want to stand right here and just be.

bobicus1200 · 2020-11-13T21:20:10+00:00

Dude im (20M) seeing my future self right now... I cannot fathom how much this is me, was never overweight, athletic ect. The same situation when it comes to socialising events, feeling depressed... The whole thing...

My problem is that i look younger for my age and i had no father figure to teach me how to be masculine...

The most masculine ive been is just when im upset. Hence i think women don't see me as a man sometimes. Gonna start reading books about small talk and wit to get a jump start in my social life again and i hope you find that magic too!

MatadorPUAJr · 2020-11-13T15:43:12+00:00

Do you even lift bro? I think going to the gym regularly will help you wonders. You leave there feeling like you can accomplish anything. Therapy may help too, Freud once said "You are who you think you are"- If you think you are inferior, that is the vibe people will receive.

AdventurousParsnip5 · 2020-11-13T20:24:26+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Zcuzz · 2020-11-13T15:18:32+00:00

Quit going for the super hot chicks. Think of them as Chad and Tyrone's cum dumpsters. Build up your esteem with less attractive chicks, they have better personalities most of the time anyway.

ArcaneAces · 2020-11-13T19:53:31+00:00

Don't rush it, but you have to practice. Maybe try approaching the nerdy types first, they are usually less intimidating, then move on to more intimidating ladies. You also need to be a good talker, be able to direct the flow of the conversation without getting tired.

Create a cool, confident personality when approaching them and be ready for the worst embarrassment ever! It won't happen, but being at peace with embarrassing yourself will give you the confidence to approach ladies.

Tell yourself "people are looking at me approaching these ladies... And I don't care".

Good luck bro.

McPoyal · 2020-11-13T21:36:07+00:00

Read the six pillars of self esteem. It's free on youtube. Do the exercises....

AdventurousParsnip5 · 2020-11-13T21:58:47+00:00

Do you have depression? Sometimes these issues come from within and nothing more. Try therapy to dig underneath those demons you have.

muff_marauder · 2020-11-13T23:57:26+00:00

Stop putting women on a pedastal. Beautiful women have pussies that feel the exact same as ugly women.

And you won't believe how much they'll stab each other in the back to marry you if you're fat, ugly, and rich (nevermind how much they'll betray each other for a man who is fit, handsome, and rich).

Title	[22M] Struggling with self esteem: I feel inferior to attractive girls
Author	AdventurousParsnip5
Upvotes	162
Comments	80
Date	November 13, 2020 2:16 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/jtgwov/22m_struggling_with_self_esteem_i_feel_inferior/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/22m-struggling-with-self-esteem-i-feel-inferior-to.1505556 https://theredarchive.com/post/1505556

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