This is my xpost from RSD nation.

I understand the importance of being outcome independent, and I am a full supporter of this concept. Though my intent tonight was to pull, I was more concerned with improving myself rather than impressing others, more focused on expanding my comfort zone than having sex with the hottest girl, more concerned with having a great time with my friends and amusing myself than amusing or impressing others.

Very quick backstory:Got into the pickup/self-improvement 6 months ago. Since I am a University student, I was trying to fit in gaming with my class schedule and what-not and this did not go so well as I perpetuated between one week of gaming, and comfort-zone crushing and then a 3-month break from just pure studying. However, It is the summer-break since 2 weeks ago and I've been taking this very seriously. I am aware that, unless I do something right now I will continue on the path that I am. A path of insecurity, deeply rooted fear of judgement and non-acceptance to everything of who I am. I have been a people-pleaser my entire life, I would lick the ground others walked on just not to get bullied and be accepted, mistaking my identity of quietness and shyness for the reality of afraid to speak-of in fear of disrespecting or hurting others feelings.

In these past two weeks I have, laid down on the floor for 3 minutes at a busy bus-stop, tried holding hands with strangers, gave sincere and honest compliments, smiled at strangers and made others feel good, and did so many things to embarrass myself to an extent I have never experienced in my life. I have truly expanded my zone of comfort beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of. Furthermore I have been approaching [during the day] at least 10 women per day, and making sure to be rejected at-least 5 times per day. I have been treating every-day as a day to step-up and take it one notch further than the previous and to make sure I have many embarrassing and super-cringey moments by the end of the day. Let it be known that I have also made a commitment to number-close at-least once per day. Doing his has changed my life, I no longer am socially anxious doing the most simple things in life. No longer am I fearful; I now absolutely love people and enjoy my time with people rather than sit in resentment and jealousy at outgoing people. I now feel secure of myself, of who I am, of what I look like, I can safely say that I am confident in myself. I look forward to every single day, knowing that I am nowhere close to fully developed as a man and that I have so much work to do.

The text in the {this} writing is my reflective thoughts or additional comments.

Tonight, my first-ever night out sober.

I am the designated driver for tonight. My brother and I head out tonight to the busiest club in the city; there's a two hour wait. We park the car and make our way to the line, my thoughts and general anxiety is pumping to toxic levels. We get there and I feel very socially anxious and thoughts of jumping in the car and driving away as fast as possible is as clear as day. I tell my beta-thoughts to be quiet and I tell myself to treat this as a gigantic comfort-zone crusher. After a super uncomfortable 30 minutes of waiting around and being in my head the entire time in line, we make our way inside. Still, I feel nothing and I am still anxious. This place is absolutely packed with hot women absolutely EVERYWHERE and though my motivation and excitement has increased, I am still very in my head. We make a straight-line drive to the bar, my brother grabs a few shots as I face the dance-floor straight-faced and at this point my thoughts have calmed down and I feel relaxed. Directly to our right is a group of 3 girls [average of 8] trying to get our attention by moving literally right in front of us and start dancing while frequently looking back at us. At one point a girl accidentally grinds on me, I am way to in my head to do anything. We leave and meetup with our buddies. This is a nice time I use to rewind and have an awesome time, layback and catchup with buds.

It is at this very point while chatting my buds that I have the realization that I am being a gigantic pansy and a huge dumbass. I realize that I am only feeling anxious because I am here for other people, not here for myself, not here for my own fun and for my own outcome-independent joy. My state of mentality will continue to be this way unless I do something about it, it won't go up by itself. I can't wait for the perfect opportunity to be in state, I have to put myself in it. I begin to have fun, I find 2 hotties dancing with each other at the bar and I walk up and dance on them jokingly just to warm-up and get myself out of my head, the girls leave and my buddies see me and start laughing. At this moment, I have social-momentum and I open a 2-set by saying something very simple, like asking for advice on something. {I realize here that, what you actually say is so minuscule versus how you say it, and how if you are confident you can say absolutely anything to open} I grab them by the hand and tell them I am going to 'introduce them to my friends', I introduce them to my buds and after a small while, a third-girl comes and grabs them away. At this point, my state is rising, I can feel it, and thus I start opening everything and being myself. I am 100% congruent at this point, I have no energy-draining what-so-ever, a problem I have had in the past. {Typically, especially during daygame, I feel as if I have just ran a social-marathon after even a single interaction, because I feel absolutely drained to the point that I want to drop-dead. This is due to me not acting parallel to what my emotional-state is at that time, but trying to elevate it unnaturally by acting super-hyper/energetic when I am not energetic/super-hyper}. I walk up to any-set and have a huge blast saying whatever came to my head; approach anxiety is now a meaningless term. My friends cannot believe their eyes as I am grabbing girls left and right and throwing them on them, they are in awe, the girls stay for a little bit and then leave [many were simply not receptive and just simply said no, or walked away]. We make our way upstairs, this is a huge club with 3 floors and they are all packed. The upstairs patio is packed! I grab my brother and tell him to open the 2-set of hotties at a table. In the vicinity of the girls is an intimidating looking guy seemingly with them, but in reality he is just near them and afraid to approach. I assure my bro that the guy is not with them and he jumps in and says hi,and I jump in the set about 20 seconds later and the conversation went something like,

me: looks over at the girls woah, are you twins? You know points at my brother we are twins. we can make something happen here! they laugh girl 1: no! we are best friends, and I can see it now, you both have the same nose! me: I'm just joking we are not twins, we are a homosexual couple both girls: prove it! kiss! my brother: you first they makeout girl 1: now its your turn me: your right, it is my turn grab girl 1 and look her deeply in the eye's without saying a word girl 1: kiss me me: I can't kiss you, I don't even know your name girl: Dakota I kiss her {I should have waited a little longer, increased the tension} me: Hold on, you don't know my name her: what is it me: it starts with an M,you have 2 chances to get it right or I'm leaving her: something, me: WRONG her: something else, me: WRONG, I'm leaving, I start to walk away, she grabs me, I turn around and kiss her again,

I am being very playful here, and she is absolutely loving it, as am I, I am entertaining the heck out of myself.

My brother leaves {I'm not sure why, I looked over at one point and he had his tongue down her}, the other girl turns to me, while I am holding her friend closely by her waist me: what is your eye-colour? girl 2: green! why! me: oh, I am only attracted to blue girl 2: 'oh! fine, we are leaving! takes her friend's hand, and turns around {She is obviously attracted to me and is not leaving, she is testing me} me: you cant leave, {I feel I reacted way to quickly here, I should have simply stayed calm and smiled, showing her I didn't care, but another part of me is thinking that if I did not do that they would have actually just left} girl 2: can we both get into your sweater, both girls are hugging me very closely I wanted to do a 3-way kiss here but I chickened out., I didn't want to lose what I had with the girl #1 by taking such a risky move. The girl asks for my number, I give it to her, she texts herself through my phone and I assure her after making out that we are definetly going to see each other tonight, she says okay. I leave

At this point, my state is through the roof, I have never-felt this way before, I feel invincible. I feel so confident that every molecule of my body shouts unshakable comfort and ease! I feel like I am radiating positive energy and charm at the same rate the sun radiates photons.

I head downstairs with my brother after opening a very receptive 2-set, it just looked like it required too much work before anything was going anywhere,and one was a hb5, and the other a hb7.5, so I went downstairs. I knew that even though I could eventually break-through the barriers, I had so many options, why limit myself to this? But in reality,THIS IS PRACTICE, I could have practiced breaking through and having fun with the many shit-tests and games I would receive from them. I see a hb9.5 sitting at a table with some dude sitting 1 chair beside her. From the vibes I saw, the guy was in his head, thinking of what to say to her, and I knew he wasn't with her. After 2-second evaluation, I walk over, and I ask her, "are you with him?", as I point at the dude. She says no, and smiles so widely that I just intuionally grab the back of her head and kiss her. She has the huge eyes and a smile of extreme excitement and awe. I tell her to get off the seat, I sit in it, and she sits in my lap, I turn her around and continue kissing her while grabbing her ass. She is loving it. I feel like a king here. Literally 6-7 dudes are staring in resentment and what looks like jealousy as one of the hottest girls in the club is all over me. Randomly, a dude comes and puts an expensive looking drink on the table and walks away looking defeated. He brought it for her I feel a little bad, and the girl seems completely unphased (holy heck these girls are COLD) but I quickly forget. After 1 minute of dancing, I slipped my hand in her shirt and after seeing how receptive she was, I straight-line drived her out of the club. On the way out, 3 girls poke ther heads out and say ''Laura! Hey! comeback!'' The bouncer assures us that once you leave at this time you cannot come back. Her friends went back inside and didn't want to get in trouble, I grabbed her by the hand and we continued. I put her into a cab, and off we went. I live with my religious family, and so I escalated in the back of the taxi while I took her to the university campus. After closing-her 3 times, It is getting late and I have to cab back and drive my brother home. She begs for me to come back to her place and spend the night, I assure her I'll call her and I leave.

Thoughts: I went home today feeling so confident that I have never felt this way ever before in my life. Not because I pulled a 9.5, not because I could approach any girl with-out fear. But because I now realize my insecurities are a thing of the past. I am not ugly, I am not a loser, I am someone deserving of the hottest girl in the club, and furthermore, She is lucky to be with such a great dude. After 3-year dry spell, after 3 years of not even kissing a girl, I went out today with a blast, a nuclear blast. I had nothing to lose and nothing to gain. I was always going to be the most confident dude, whether I banged the hottest girl or not. Regardless of the reactions, I just had a good time opening every-girl and having fun and enjoying myself dancing and being myself.