I recently got out of a 2 year relationship and I almost immediately got back on tinder and all of the other apps.

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Prior to my two year relationship I had absolutely NO luck at all on Tinder. I had a decent amount of matches from all of my time on it but I could never get dates and when I did I bombed completely.

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Being fresh out of a relationship gave me a new perspective on dating which is why I want to share my experience.

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MY APPROACH BACK THEN (FOR CONTEXT)

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I would view online dating with a sense of scarcity. I put too much pressure on every interaction because I was lonely and I really wanted to make something work. I'd send too many messages, over too long of a period and things would eventually fizzle out. I never matched the girls pace or style of messaging, often responding much faster than she did etc. In a few instances I managed to get a date but the girls would never want to meet up again after that. I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong but now after my new experiences it all makes sense. I put WAY too much pressure on these interactions. I treated them too much like DATES, like the shit you see in the movies. I tried some of the less intense stuff I'd see pick up artists doing on YouTube, I'd try to initiate touch to build rapport but it all felt forced. It probably didn't help that I was nervous too... I'm sure they could pick up on it regardless of how hard I tired to hide it.

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I eventually got into a relationship with someone I met through a friend. I chalk it up to luck.

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MY APPROACH NOW

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DISCLAIMER: I understand this doesn’t really follow typical PUA guidelines etc (although some of these details come from highly regarded dating books). It’s just an honest method that works for me. Not saying this is THE method.

I got back on tinder pretty quick but the idea of dating someone new sickened me a little. I approached it with the idea of just wanting to make new friends (I didn't say this to the girls though). I approached it with a sense of abundance. If one girl doesn't work out, another one will.

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I'd start by sending some of my matches a casual opener. Some would respond and we'd end up having a simple conversation about about our day or plans for the week etc. I'm not trying to get to know anyone deeply over tinder, it's boring in my opinion. The important thing here was to match the girls responsiveness and frequency of response. If she responds with one line after an hour, I'd do the same. That being said, if she responds pretty quickly, I still usually let it sit for a little while so I don't appear too eager.

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After about 10 exchanges or so, I'd super casually throw out the question of whether they'd be down to meet up for a quick coffee in the following week. 6 of the 7 girls I tried this on said yes pretty much immediately. I think it's the idea of it being a casual "quick" meet up that makes it so appealing. At this point we exchange numbers and few more texts locking in the details. Between now and the date I make an effort to only text them if they text me first, and I won't usually continue the conversation if it isn't that interesting.

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DAY OF THE DATE

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IMPORTANT NOTE: I had to do public speaking for my job one time and I am an absolute nervous wreck so I got my doctor to prescribe me this drug called propranolol. I can't stress enough how amazing it is, especially for dates. It effectively gets rid of all side effects of being nervous (sweaty hands, tremors, shaky feeling, fast heart rate, dry mouth etc). It really lets you be in the moment, and truly allows you to be yourself. If you're like me I'd seriously considering getting this.

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The intent of this date is to meet face to face and get a scope on the person in a short amount of time. I'm talking like 30 - 60 minutes max. Keep things casual, don't try to hug her or initiate any touch, don't try to be flirty. Just talk to her like she's your friend. After you've had a chance to get to know her a little, tell her that you have to be somewhere at X time, that it was nice meeting her and that you need to head out. Do not say anything at all that implies a future with the girl, and by that I mean making plans for the next date etc. She should leave the interaction not being sure of how you felt about it.

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POST DATE

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At this point she might be waiting for you to text her. Just don't. Give it a few days and then send her an innocuous message to spark conversation again. It's best if it can be about something you guys talked about during the first date... ie. "I tried that other coffee shop you mentioned, it's actually super dope."

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At this point you guys may have another short conversation. Here's where you make plans for date 2. Ask her what she's up to next week. After her response you might say something like, "Cool, let's do something on Wednesday if you're free". If she agrees, good job! I'll usually leave it at that and then message her the day before the date with the details.

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That being said, if you weren't feeling the first date you can just end thing's here. Be courteous and let her know that you enjoyed your time but didn't feel a spark etc.

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DATE 2

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It's essentially a rinse and repeat process with the main difference being the amount of time you spend with her. For date 2 I'd recommend 1.5 - 3 hours. Of course it all depends on how smoothly it's going. You should always be the one to end the date. Just like before, make an excuse for why you have to head out. Don't try to hug her or kiss her unless she's the one initiating it. If you've played it cool until now she'll likely be wondering why you're not trying to make a move, she'll be intrigued. Again, don't give her any idea of how the date went from your perspective.

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Here's what a girl had to say about all of this:

That’s a really good approach!! Allows the woman to feel safe and you guys can build a genuine connection. And honestly it’s way sexier when a guy doesn’t implicitly say he wants to hook up, it makes it almost a challenge to get in his pants. Could just be reverse psychology but it’s definitely effective (for me at least).

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DATE 3

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We're in a pattern now. She might be texting you more at this point but don't overdo it from your end. Using the same style as before set up date 3. I feel that the anticipation adds a lot so setting them up a week in advance can actually work to your benefit.

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Date 3/4 is where things can get interesting. Go out for drinks if possible. Don't try to leave this date early. I usually go to this lounge that has these nice couches. We might start the night sitting across from each other but by the end of it we'll usually be sitting super close side by side on the couch. You're still not making a move at this point. Let her feel comfortable around you. Let things develop naturally. If this was just a platonic female friend of yours, what would the physical interaction look like? Just do that. Pretend you're a mirror and reflect her body language back at her.

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The night will wrap up naturally. Have no expectations but pay attention to what she's saying and doing. If she's getting closer to you, reciprocate. If she says something that implies that she may want to keep hanging out, here's your chance to keep hanging out at one of your places. The crucial thing in all of these situations is to keep things ambiguous.

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At the end of the night one girl said. "I'm surprisingly not even that tired yet (it was 2am)". I was like, "yeah neither am I, I wish places were still open this late". She straight up said "I think I have some drinks at my place, we could just hang out there?"

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And the rest is history.

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CONCLUSION

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My 2 year relationship left me feeling numb. Fortunately dating in this state was the most eye opening thing. I didn't want anything physical, but I DID want someone to connect with emotionally. The biggest take away is to just be a friend first. Show her you truly care about her and who she is as a person. Play it cool and let her do most of the talking. Be aloof but caring and sincere. Let things progress naturally and don't rush it.

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It helps a lot if you keep yourself busy with work, friends and other dates. It'll appear to her that you a high value man with many other priorities. It's sexy. Having multiple dates set up with various girls also helps by distributing the pressure of going on dates. It's the theory of not keeping all your eggs in one basket.

Best case scenario; you find someone to love. Worst case; you make a great friend who you may end up having for life. Winning either way.

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I'm not one to boost, but I want to give some credibility to what I'm sharing here; I've only been out of my relationship for 35 days but I've already built great relationships with 4 girls and have already slept with 3 of them. Going on two more first dates in the next few weeks. All just doing what I described above. I honestly don't recognize myself from who I used to be. It's a good feeling to feel like I understand dating for once. If anyone has questions I'm happy to answer them below or over PM.

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