Help with being affectionate without being needy/clingy?

i_never_get_mad · 2015-12-03T04:51:11+00:00

I'm on the same boat here. I'm very affectionate, both romantic relationship and friendship. Yeah, I'm that guy who hugs everyone in the friend group.

Anyhow, I'd like hear more inputs from others, but I THINK a good way to not seem so clingy/needy is showing that you are affectionate to everyone.

When you are "needy," you are not needing a person. Instead, what you are truly needing is the other person's attention.

if you are affectionate to only one person, then it seems like you NEED that person, which gives a lot of pressure for that person to give back. But if you are affectionate to everyone, then it seems like selfless personality.

UnclassyGentleman · 2015-12-03T05:40:42+00:00

Neediness is bad because it implies you NEED something to feel good. Being overtly affectionate can be seen as a negative thing because people who are generally overtly affectionate rely on the response of the subject of their affection to make themselves feel nice. This is why neediness is bad because it is not the act but the intention behind the act that is pathetic.

What you need is a shift of perspective. The world doesn't run on clean, border cut models of "nice guys" and "bad boys". Being affectionate doesn't mean you can't get laid. Being affectionate to feel good about yourself also doesn't mean you can't get laid but you tend to put a lot of pressure on people.

The shift in perspective that you need is being affectionate for the sake of being affectionate, not for the sake of getting affection back and make sure the other person knows this. However, if you need the affection back, then it's a bad thing.

It's a huge misconception that you have to be a dick to get laid. Don't buy into that otherwise you'll find yourself hallow and empty inside soon enough.

southpole4 · 2015-12-03T03:42:26+00:00

[permanently deleted]

luciferstalon · 2015-12-03T04:27:41+00:00

I'm eager to hear some responses to this as well. I'm in a somewhat similar position. I'm a nomad, so there isn't any chance of longterm connection (unless she is truly the girl of my dreams), but I still seem to scare them off with post-sex txts.

To paint a picture: in my ideal world I'd find girls that enjoy being very affectionate in the short term, yet are okay with parting ways days or weeks later.

CrushHazard · 2015-12-03T18:12:40+00:00

Vulnerability is fine when you are in a relationship, but before that it should only be strategic vulnerability. Only reveal that part of you when you sense that she is pulling away because she doesn't trust you or thinks you are too much of a player or something (it doesn't sound like this is your issue anyway).

The line between being intimate and affectionate in the best way possible and being needy/clingy is pretty thin. Both of those things can look the same from the outside, and a lot of women might be turned on at first and then bail when they sniff out the neediness. The core difference is something I talk about here: https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3m5dsg/crush_hazards_seduction_series_rule_3_focus_on/

The focus of your affection should be her needs, her pleasure, her roller coaster ride that you are taking her on. You have no needs, you are just there to satisfy her. When you do that, she will get the "swept off her feet feeling" and fall hard. If you reveal neediness on your part, then it will almost certainly turn her off.

Ravnurin · 2015-12-03T22:53:34+00:00

Forget about the idea of not having to 'game' the girl. Actually, don't even think of it as you having to run some game on her at all - think of it as flirtation. You being cheeky, teasing and fun. That is what causes a woman to be attracted to you. Have fun flirting with her! Don't think of it as a game you're forced to play...realise that teasing or flirting with a woman is a very fun and enjoyable activity, not just for you but for her too. Women love flirting.

I am an incredibly affectionate guy, and I only just recently got a girlfriend after a year long of honing my 'game'. And how I behave around my girlfriend flies in the face of everything I learnt the past year...that I thought would make me instantly the most needy guy on this planet. But here's the thing - she LOVES it! She loves me being so affectionate as I am - and I'm talking that we'll sit on the sofa, and I'll lean behind her and just wrap my arms around her embracing her tightly, and making these weird noises resembling pure content...and she loves it!!

I firmly believe that it's because at the end of the day I also demonstrate that I am a 'man'; I'm dominant and make most of the decisions of where to go and when to go. I tell her in an assertive way when I want to do something or if she says something I don't like. We've had plenty of arguments (not anymore), but 75% of the times I remained assertive, calm and collected and did not resort to a shouting competition - I do not allow my emotions to take over; I allow her to be the emotional person in the relationship, which is what women want.

When you are a dominant guy and, for the lack of better way of phrasing it, make sure to always be the one wearing the pants in the relationship...you can get away with being as affectionate as you want - to the point of tearing up in front of her from happiness (of having found her), and she will NOT see it as neediness.

Drunk_Sensai · 2015-12-03T13:17:15+00:00

Have you read Models by Mark Manson? His book deals specifically with these issues.

Title	Help with being affectionate without being needy/clingy?
Author	southpole4
Upvotes	19
Comments	23
Date	December 3, 2015 2:39 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3v89xf/help_with_being_affectionate_without_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/help-with-being-affectionate-without-being.1398519 https://theredarchive.com/post/1398519

Comments