How do I send a good first message on online dating?

AwkwardArcher · 2015-08-11T20:18:12+00:00

Hello! Female here with enough online dating experience that I am considering co-authoring a book with a friend.

The one thing to remember is that women have the upperhand in online dating, even the most average woman can expect a few messages in her inbox everyday without even trying.

The trick here is standing out, But how do you do that? I can tell you right now "Hi there, how are you" is going to get you absolutely nowhere.

To get a response you must be engaged and ask a question that makes the woman think. My favorite (which has been used on me and I tell as an example to all my male friends asking me for advice in this area) is "Do you prefer pancakes or waffles?" Do not ask this by itself mind you, put it at the bottom of a short message that you've created after you've read through her profile. Yes I know this can be time consuming, which is why I suggest to guys that they should go for quality of potential matches rather than quantity. (IE: The guy that copy/pastes the same message to every girl, we're not dumb we know a copy/paste message when we see one.) Your short message should include something you noticed from her profile and why you noticed it and (subtly) how it makes her unique. Then ask a question that makes her think and chances are if she likes your profile she will at least respond to the first question.

When if/when she responds continue the conversation by asking 2 or 3 questions about herself, for every one question she asks about you. Make sure that some of these questions are engaging and thoughtful and not shallow small talk. Try to relate these questions to the flow of conversation or you risk making the conversation feel stiff and rehearsed. It's important to come off well in your writing (which since you hang out on reddit I'm assuming you're good at or at least working on) your words need to feel personable like you're chatting together rather than writing a letter.

Finally, try to ask her out on a date within a few messages (less than five) if you REALLY like this girl and think it can go somewhere, have an interesting date prepared ahead of time, Huge Bonus points if it's an activity she loves. I suggest that this is the time you ask for her phone number (asking for her digits without even having plans make her feel like you are pushy/desperate).

Don't forget to comb over her profile (and questions like OKcupid has) to see what she's all about. But be careful that you don't bring them up in casual conversation or you will again risk looking desperate and weird. Please trust me when I say all these things, I've done extensive experimentation with male friend's dating profiles (sending out messages of various length, engagement and forwardness as variables. The strength of my friend's profile itself as the constant)

The most important thing is to talk more about her than yourself. Become interested in her as a person (actually interested, and not just to get in her pants because we can smell that from a mile away) and you'll find that the rest of it comes together nicely. People love to talk about themselves, and when people are shown genuine interest in who they are, generally they respond with genuine interest in who you are too.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” - Dale Carnegie

Good luck! feel free to message me if you'd like.

PS: Don't forget to have some good pictures of yourself that friends take (avoid selfies if possible) as well as an engaging profile yourself.

Kukie · 2015-08-11T18:28:28+00:00

A little off topic, but I find that most girls are terrible at conversations online or over text. The answers are always so short and feel rushed which alwayss makes it feel like you have to lead or the convo will end quickly.

bolxrex · 2015-08-11T18:23:18+00:00

Do not reference looks at all. If you do you'll be one in a billion more messages that is referencing how she looks.

Write an open ended statement about something you relate written in their profile and ask a question about that or something else that stands out to you.

Keep it to 2-4 sentences. Keep your expectations low.

crandberrytea · 2015-08-11T19:29:29+00:00

I tried online dating and 95% percent of the guys started "Hey. How are you? You have a great smile" or something to that effect. It doesn't give a lot to respond to. "How are you?" "Good" "You have a great smile" "thanks". The people who got responses were the ones who said something about my profile. "You like to cook? What's your favourite dish to make?" "You like Harry Potter? What's your favourite book? Why?" This gives me something to respond to an a potential conversation and also shows you took the time to read my profile as opposed to a stock message you send to everyone.

Peckerdick · 2015-08-11T19:07:01+00:00

Find a single thing to talk about, either in the body of their profile or in one of their pictures. Say something interesting or humorous about it. Then end with an invitation to get coffee some time. Don't make it any longer than a few shorts sentences. Remember, most attractive women get dozens of messages every day, and she doesn't want to read through a novel from you.

I always ask women out on the first message and it works really well for me. It shows you're confident and want to meet them. It will also scare off any girls who would be put off by meeting someone in person, which is a good thing; you don't want to waste your time on them.

datingninja · 2015-08-14T15:41:46+00:00

Skip the "Hi" or "How are you" nonsense and never comment on anything physically.

Find something in her profile and comment on it. Ask open ended non-personal questions. Give some info about yourself for a question you ask.

For example, if she like to cook you could write "I see you enjoy cooking. Are you creative in the kitchen or do you need a recipe like me?" Add some humor. "I make a mean XXXXX that's rated highly on Yelp."

The key is show her you read her profile. Add some humor and confidence and you'll be fine. Tweak it around. With experience comes success. Too many men write the same stuff.

Then as you close it out assume she's going to respond. "Look forward to your response"" or something like that. It's a marketing trick and does work.

The average guy gets about 10% response rate. You can do MUCH better once you start tweaking your emails.

nighthawkphenom · 2015-08-11T17:39:06+00:00

What has worked well for me : "hey! You have a great smile!" Or any other thing that you find attractive. If you can't think of anything, then don't message her. Generally breaks the ice. Follow up her thanks with a question about her or something of the like. If she isn't giving you anything you with with, not worth it.

nebulous_slut · 2015-08-11T21:51:13+00:00

Hey! I hope I can help, as a girl who gets about 40 messages on a high volume day. It really depends on what kind of girl you're going after. I automatically delete anything in my inbox that just says "hey" or "what's up" or mentions my appearance as being anything other than "cute" or something equally nonsexualized.

I find that the messages I respond to most are longer ones that address a lot of points on my profile, but there's a specific formula for shorter ones that will work - one joke, one serious comment. Shows that you're interesting, shows that you have substance. This works for continuing the message chain as well once the convo's started.

heart0 · 2015-08-11T19:00:07+00:00

"play with my dick"

MrLadyfingers · 2015-08-11T18:55:04+00:00

Eh, that's really boring. Anything with hey in it or the likes will just be glossed over. Be spontaneous and fun and weird and impulsive.

Title	How do I send a good first message on online dating?
Author	LoveHelp01
Upvotes	18
Comments	18
Date	August 11, 2015 4:58 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3gm2jj/how_do_i_send_a_good_first_message_on_online/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-send-a-good-first-message-on-online.1392354 https://theredarchive.com/post/1392354

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