One of my biggest tips for beginners to entrench yourself in social circle. It provides a low-pressure environment for you to practice social skills (whereas cold approach is very high-pressure; it's a do or die environment).

However, if you can't even spend time with a social circle, or are only part of a few, then what do you do?

Learn how to be invited.

A social circle isn't some defined social group. It's fuzzy and so is its hierarchy, at least at certain times. However, what makes it at least somewhat cohesive is that it's a group of people who regularly do things together.

They go bowling together.

They go drinking together.

They play Magic: The Gathering together.

They have the same grad-classes.

They work at the same office.

They share some type of activity in common. Thus, becoming part of that social circle is as simple as becoming another person who also participates in those activities alongside them.

You can easily do this by already being a part of that activity, and simply meeting them. That's the most organic way.

You start training boxing. You meet the group of guys who go to the 4:30 class. You regularly go. You meet them and consistently see them there.

Now, you're a part of that social circle within that context (or as I'd say, within that social grid, the literal environment where that social circle does activities together).

Using that same environment, I'll teach you the more proactive way that you get involved in a social circle or deeper into that social circle.

Let's say you know everyone at the boxing class, but you don't talk to them much.

Well, you're going to have to at least say hello. This is like never approaching a girl and expecting to go on dates and have girlfriends. Luckily, you're already in an environment where socializing is okay. Also, you're not immediately trying to fuck whoever you're talking to, especially if it's a guy (unless you're bi/gay, in that case, you might be a bit nervous since the pressure is on).

That not being the case, you simply say, "Hey" or "How are you?" Introduce yourself. Ask basic questions. Where they're from, what they do. Make a comment on their boxing. Make a joke about how bad it smells in there.

The best way, however, is to get to know them by asking them questions. You don't have to get super deep, especially if you can't talk for too long periods of time, because you've got to do drills or focus on whatever activity it is you all share in common.

However, once you do make that brief connection with them, you can considered them at least an acquaintance. How do you go from acquaintance to friend?

You spend time with them.

Here is the fundamental key behind being invited somewhere and the three ways you go about it.

  • Key: Value. If you provide value, people will value you. That value could be that you are good at conversation. Or maybe you're really funny. It can also be context specific. Maybe you've been boxing for three years and they're new, so you provide boxing knowledge when they have none. This value is important to THEM so they value YOU. The fact that you're a good boxer and that they care about boxing could be enough for them to say, "Hey, me and my buddies are going out tonight. If you don't have any plans, you should join us." If you aren't being invited places like this, you need to provide more value. It's okay if you don't yet, but it is something you can induce by simply being a cool, fun, funny, interesting, knowledgeable or sexy, depending on what they want from you.

How to actually mechanically induce this invitation? Two ways.

  • Firstly, drop hints. After you've established at least the most basic of conversation, like names and where you're from, then ask them what they're up to this weekend (weekends are good bets for getting invited places). If you've provided some value to them, they might invite you along. It's not guaranteed and sometimes they might simply think you're not interested (I know this because I then invite THEM to hangout in they say yes). You can let them know you're interested without inviting yourself along by saying, "Oh, that sounds awesome" and asking questions about it.

For instance, if they say, "Oh we're heading to that new bar on Blookie Blakka street," you can say, "Oh I heard about that one, sounds like a fun place. When did they open?"

Have a conversation about it.

Now, for the other method.

  • Invite THEM somewhere. It could be anything. You're going to the beach, a bar, the gym, etc. The more relevant it is to them (which you'll know by getting to know them) and the higher value it is (inviting them to a private party at a mansion, for instance, is better than a happy hour at some dive bar), the more likely they'll say yes. And even if they say no or that they're busy, it still has the intended effect - it provides value and lets them know that you are interested in them.

Often, that's all you need for them to be interested IN YOU. They'll realize you value them, so they'll be more tempted to invite you somewhere. Maybe not today but, if you see them regularly, another time.

At some point, if you do this right and with the right person, you'll spend time with that person. Then, the trick is spending enough time with them that they bring you along activities with other people they know, thus increasing your network.

Hang out with those people regularly, and, BOOM, you're part of their clique. Remember, a social group is nothing more than a group of people who regularly do activities with each other and talk to each other.

Do this ad infinitum, and you have a potentially infinitely large social group.

All it takes is one person to completely change your social life.

If you do this and you're still not getting invited places, you need to become more enjoyable to be around. I know it's tempting to get upset and that people don't want to get to know you, but it always comes down to either

  • You're being weird, angry, judgmental, or you're leeching value from them by being annoying or needy

or

  • You're not showing interest by inviting them yourself, so they, also being nervous, don't want to invite you because they're afraid you'll say no (surprise, other people are nervous, too; it's not just you).

It's ALWAYS one of these causes.

So, get friendly. Get into situations where you can meet people naturally (clubs, Meet Up groups, bars, sports teams, game teams, etc - do things that interest YOU then add other people in to the mix), provide value, and show interest.

Hector