How to be less of a 'nice guy'

BlueIsStylinOnYou · 2014-04-26T21:41:57+00:00

This isn't the case for some "Nice Guys", but it's a general thing I noticed the most Nice Guys do: They're not honest enough.

Here's an example of what I mean by 'honest': Let's say you're at a party dancing and there's this girl dancing on you. One of the guys you came with is in the corner not doing anything, just staring at his phone. You guys are pretty good buddies. The girl notices the guy and says, "Wow that guy standing over alone is such a loser." A nice guy would just agree. "Haha yeah" and keep it at that. The nice guy is lying to himself. This girl shouldn't be dissing one of his friends. What would a man do? He'd stand up for his buddy right there. "Hey, he's going through a tough time and he doesn't go out much as of late, leave him be." This would offset the girl a little bit. She may even retaliate a bit, "So? Guys like him don't belong in a place like this."

This is where the 'alpha' mentality comes in. You may be having fun with this girl, she could be hot as hell, whatever. But this is where you assert yourself. "Listen, I thought you were really cool at first, but it looks like I was wrong." Let those words sink into her for a bit, then slowly back away. The girl will do one of two things. She'll hold onto you and apologize, or she'll let you go and she'll be left to dance alone. At this point the alpha grabs his buddy, and goes with him to open to a group of girls.

By doing this, the alpha asserts himself as being less of a 'nice guy' to the girl. He's staying true to himself, showing the girl that she isn't to be put on a pedestal, and most of all he's being a GOOD guy to his friend.

It could be possible that you're just not being true to yourself; you may not be expressing your honest opinion enough. It's okay to have different opinions that people. As for what you did wrong, I think you're correct in your assumption that you may not have escalated out of fear or shyness. The shear fact that you're self-critiquing and finding your errors is a great thing! Keep it up

tl;dr Be honest to yourself, voice your opinions, and for the most part BBH

BlueIsStylinOnYou · 2014-04-26T21:31:15+00:00

Don't do things for the sake of getting external validation. There's nothing wrong with being kind. However, you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Are you being kind because you genuinely want to spread some love? Or are you being kind because you want people to like you for being kind?

Extrapolate this further. Do things because you want to do them. Not because you want other people to think you're cool and hip for doing them. For example, be the guy who buys fancy watches because you genuinely like fancy watches. Don't buy fancy watches because you want to show off.

This is what we mean by "don't give a fuck". You do the things that you want to do. If you're doing the right things, and you know you're a good person deep down, then you're fine. Fuck any haters that have irrational criticisms/judgements.

Of course, this doesn't mean to be a sociopath. But generally speaking, it means go for what you want in life.

Problem is, with girls I feel as if I'm 'too nice'.

Maybe a lot of your actions were coming from "I'm doing this with the hope that she'll like it" frame. In other words, you weren't "being yourself". You were stifling yourself because you wanted her validation.

For example, the classic "what do you want to eat tonight?" scenario.

If you ask her, "what do you want to eat?", she'll give you a massive runaround. Instead of asking what she wants, just say, "let's get sushi today" or whatever it is that you want to eat. In this situation, she doesn't really care about/know what food to get. She'd rather just do what you want to do.

(I don't mean that women are mindless automatons who can't think for themselves. I mean that women don't really give a shit about what they're eating that night. They just want to hang out with their man, and that man needs to be a leader)

Just be brutally honest and true to yourself. Again, this doesn't mean be a sociopath who can't make healthy compromises. But you have to assert yourself.

Do you want to do kino? Then do kino. Don't want to do kino? Then don't do kino. Do you want to kiss her? Then kiss her. Don't want to kiss her? Then don't. Do you want to take her arm, give her a gentle spin, and then pick her up by the ass and wrap her legs around your waist? Then do it. Don't wanna do it? Then don't.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily apply in certain situations. Obviously, you shouldn't rape a girl because "I just wanted to lol.jpg". Or, you probably shouldn't lay on the heavy kino if you're in a company meeting, even if you want to. You still need a degree of social calibration. This also doesn't apply if you're doing like a "approach 50 women" challenge or something. It's easy to say "I don't want to approach her" if you have really bad AA. In a case like this, fuck your desires. Approach even if you don't want to.

aOs_Student · 2014-04-26T19:49:02+00:00

Read this book. Seriously it has helped many guys like you and me. I had the same problem of being too laid back and not as assertive as I should have been.

edit: buy the guys book if you feel like it really does help you. I don't wanna be an asshole to someone who's book has helped me.

omica · 2014-04-26T21:55:28+00:00

"I know what went wrong, I didn't establish a physical connection, didn't flirt with her"

It looks like you already know the answer... 'nice guy' can be synonymous with 'guy who isn't comfortable expressing his sexuality'. Women want a man who is in touch with his sexual side and is not afraid to express his desires. You need to turn her on - communicate that you find her sexy and that you want to fuck her (through non verbal communication).

Watch this video, it will help a lot:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Z4Nq0OrrM

Allen_Yuan · 2014-04-27T04:03:13+00:00

Being nice is, I would say, NOT the issue. After all, it's not intrinsically bad, I'm sure being nice makes you plenty of friends, male and female.

Nice isn't really the enemy, in this situation. The issue with nice is that when you're too focused on being nice you end up subordinating your own views, personality, what have you, to theirs. I'll be honest. I like nice people, I even admire them. My nice friends are the first people I talk to and I'll never exclude them from anything. What's bad about being nice is when you kind of cross the line from being a good person to just being a people-pleaser, dead fish, whatever you want to call it. Ironically, that ends up making you less nice, because suddenly you're just going along with someone to get something from them, rather than just being a kind, accommodating individual.

Being overly nice and being a 'cocky douche', I don't think, are best represented as being opposite sides of a spectrum. Rather, they're more like 2 sides of the same coin. They're both someone without balance who subordinates their true wants and desires to a rule, perhaps you could call it a persona. The former person tries to appease everyone, much to their detriment, and the latter person tries to force their way no matter what, much to their detriment.

You're a nice person. I know a lot of people like you. Now, I'd say niceness is a good thing. You're probably well liked and fairly respected, even if you don't necessarily perceive it that way, but trust me, as a non-supernice person, you are. I'll be frank, I may make jokes at your expense, and even internally think you're awkward and a little too soft, but I never mean to offend and I value your friendship.

NOW, what you wanna do is be your own person. I see your perspective of there being a dichotomy between nice and sexy to be quite flawed. Instead, how's this for a dichotomy. On the one hand you have someone who focuses on acting in a certain way. Be it nice, douchey, smart, prudish, slutty, whatever it is. On the other hand you have someone who is more versatile. Maybe, like you, they're naturally kind and accommodating. They recognize that's who they are, and that's how they act most of the time. But they can also call people out when others try to take advantage of their kind nature, and they can be dominant and playful when flirting with girls. They could also naturally be type-A and stressed by default, but at the same time soften up when a friend needs consoling. The latter type of person (versatile vs. one-dimensional) is the attractive one. So my point is, it's not really a question of which personality is better. Your genes and environment have shaped you into having your own unique personality, which isn't any better or worse than someone else's unique personality. Right? If you want to attract girls better, you can develop traits like confidence and assertiveness which can also coexist with your natural personality.

TL;DR: Niceness can coexist with sexiness. In fact, kindness (at least to ME) is a highly attractive trait. But don't let kindness, or strength, or confidence form the whole of your personality. It takes a lot of traits working together to form a functioning human being, make sure you have balance.

LiberalPenguin · 2014-04-26T23:44:42+00:00

Besides what /u/BlueIsStylinOnYou and /u/ProfessionalNiceGuy said I wanted to add something.

I actually just realised this myself the other day, and was planning a longer post on it. So...I guess is the pre-view.

Don't feel ashamed

Have you ever looked at a hot girl from across the room and quickly looked away when she noticed? Even looked down, and hoped she didn't notice? Maybe avoided eye contact after that until you could leave?

Why is that you think?

Is looking at someone a bad thing? Does it hurt the other person? No? Then why?

Because we have been conditioned into believing we are perverts. When we look at something we like, sexually, we are perverts. And we should feel ashamed.

Well. Fuck. That.

It's a fucking compliment is what it is. She dressed up nice, and looked good, and you noticed. What is wrong with that? When she noticed that you noticed, why not smile and show her you appreciate her? Maybe even nod?

2 things can happen:

She will like it.

She will not.

And that doesn't matter. Someone doesn't like a compliment? Fuck it. Someone likes it? Great. You've done a good deed.

This is true for any interaction btw. Approach, talking, kino, closing. You are complimenting her. If she at any point clearly shows she dislikes the attention. Well then you know, and you can move on.

It's all compliments.

Disclaimer: Any sane person knows what is socially acceptable, and not. Don't be a douche and cross that border you know is there.

alex0919 · 2014-04-27T01:31:20+00:00

Girls like bad boys because it breaks them away from their daily grind and provides something interesting for them to talk to, you have no idea how many nice guys there are, bad boys are probably 5-10% of the male pop.

A good learning process is to see how much you can get away with doing, a few things I've changed from being a nice guy:

Rarely ever say sorry or excuse me
Don't invest myself into anyone (comply, etc) unless they show me equal investment
Don't put very pretty girls I used to never talk to, on pedestals

Just try to think of things an asshole would do, what the guy you call an asshole would do. Remember:

What you want comes first
You don't like it? Cool, go away.

Some technical: * Demand equiv. or greater value exchanges for all things asked of you * Don't move or respond unless necessary * When people fish for compliments, bust their balls (girls saying omg I'm fat, etc.) * Disagree with people * Quit being a fucking white knight and putting women on pedestals; act like she's an equal

Girls want a guy who will make things happen, sitting there and having a cute conversation twice or three times and not being sexy at all kills your chances. Then you get all mad, screaming "What did I do to deserve this!" clueless how the fuck to move things forward, or that you didn't do shit besides have a nice conversation and build rapport.

Things to be sexy:

Fundamentals
Touch
Sex/Chase Innuendos or Frames
Pauses

ThePUA_Baddie · 2014-04-26T22:51:34+00:00

You need to escalate. Set a sexual frame earlier. Don't be afraid to make that first move because if you don't you'll end up friend zoned which is what happened

MeanwhileInAmerica · 2014-04-27T01:10:36+00:00

Just take control of the situation

AntixD · 2014-04-27T06:46:45+00:00

nothing is wrong in being nice,It's being a pussy women don't like

landsoul · 2014-04-27T19:54:58+00:00

Honestly, I feel the best way to get out of the "nice guy" stereotype is to flirt more and just be confident in who you are. Don't like what someone said about a certain topic? Tell them! Having an opinion makes you a better looking person than one who does not. Honesty is sexy to a woman!

Next is kino and flirting. Tease her, but don't make her uncomfortable. If she starts looking offended, you can quickly change her mood by saying something like "Wow, you are sexy when you are angry!" It shows you are not afraid of what she has to say (backpedaling), and displays that you really were only teasing and she should take it as such. Touch her when she laughs, and smile when she smiles. Make her feel good about touching you, too.

tl;dr: Be honest about your intentions. You want her, right? SHOW IT!

roberto918 · 2014-04-28T04:37:50+00:00

Look OP, its pretty simple.

Don't be ambiguous. The problem with "nice" guys is not being nice, its being ambiguous.

Leading is praised because if the girl is into you, she will usually follow.

HappyJerk · 2014-04-26T19:37:19+00:00

Be nice but don't be emotional about them

Title	How to be less of a 'nice guy'
Author	trustmeiminnocent
Upvotes	80
Comments	45
Date	April 26, 2014 6:58 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/241qzt/how_to_be_less_of_a_nice_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-to-be-less-of-a-nice-guy.1369855 https://theredarchive.com/post/1369855

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