I can't do this...

OGtripleOG · 2011-02-09T22:05:49+00:00

Start with people in general. How do you meet friends? Same concept. Just start talking about anything, you will never meet anyone if you don't have any interest.

jeffiet · 2011-02-09T22:39:03+00:00

First, know that you are young. Between age 21 and 25 you'll change more than you'll ever change in your adult life. Chances are, two years you'll look back at this and laugh. Or feel like yelling at your former self.

I'll echo everyone here that you should be talking to everybody. If you have a hard time doing this, get a job in an environment where it's encouraged to chat up customers. It's social skills 101 with training wheels. I'm working at a coffee shop by myself and have maybe fifty short conversations in a day with people I don't know. It's MY shop, they're approaching ME, I have all the power. It's the easiest way to find a state where you're comfortable with anybody. Hell, even a retail job will give you practice looking people in the eye and saying, "Hey, what's up?" It's a great way to get out of your mind.

Talk to unattractive people. They're super easy to approach, they hook 90% of the time, and if you fuck up, who cares? No pressure!

Once you do this, you get some confidence, you can start putting yourself in higher pressured situations like talking to that beautiful girl.

But seriously, if you give up, you aren't going to change. Change requires work, but I can tell you, it's rewarding. You have a reliable path, but you need to push yourself onto it!

EDIT: Also, don't have expectations for yourself. You aren't going to be great at socializing right off the bat. There's no trick that "works." You won't all of a sudden find yourself a suave motherfucker. There'll be a lot of pain. It might click one day, but then the next day it doesn't. DON'T WORRY. It's the way the human mind learns and changes.

2011-02-10T04:03:13+00:00

dude just ask her for directions, then switch to another topic. girls love to talk, trust me.

_soulless_ · 2011-02-10T14:22:40+00:00

Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice.

Here's the worst case scenario to your approach:

maddawg579: Uh..H-h-h-h-hi.

Girl: Oh, hi. I'm kinda busy right now. <rolls eyes>

The next day, you'll still be breathing, your heart will still beat, and the sun will still rise.

If you want to get over your approach anxiety, you need to approach people. Approach anxiety isn't a permanent problem, but it's not going to go away on it's own.

un1verse · 2011-02-10T05:24:43+00:00

Dude, okay. As a crutch and until you are comfortable talking with people, do this:

Write down on paper three stories of semi-interesting things that have happened to you. Keep the stories short (few sentences) with a beginning, middle, and end or moral to the story. Recite them and remember them.
Say hi to someone you don't know, that has a higher probability of having something in common with you (age, interests, etc). Alternatively, compliment someone on a piece of clothing and then immediately ask them an easy question. For example "Hey, sweet camera, how do you like that model?" or "Hey I think you're cute so I had to say hi. What are you studying?". Keep your sentences short so that the person is sure to understand you.
When the person responds to a canned question, note the nouns or subjects of the sentence. For example, "I'm heading to my psychology class" or "Thanks, this is a Canon Rebel XTi, I like it pretty well." What you do is say a new sentence using one of the subjects in their sentence, and try to add on a couple points of interest for future conversation. For example, "Cool I love psychology! My cousin is going for her Masters in Psychology". Or, "Oh cool I thought about getting a Canon, my friend Brian has a 5D and says great things about it".

See how the conversation threading works? It's probably obvious to most people who are naturally friendly and extroverted, but I suspect that a lot of guys who aren't successful with women (or just not social at all) don't quite grasp it. I know I used to just ask question after question (and the wrong type of questions). You have to provide value to the conversation by making comments and trying to relate to the person you're talking to.

I recommend David Wygant and Vin DiCarlo (Conversation Cure) for this topic. I had watched all the content imaginable but it was all conceptual and not very helpful until I really dug into what makes a conversation interesting, and analyzed why my conversations would fizzle out.

Also, practice talking slowly. Never respond too soon. Take a drink with you. When the person is about done speaking, take a sip to give you time to formulate your response. Then, speak slowly as you finish thinking about what you're saying. Listen intently. Over time, your conversation skill with improve and thus your confidence as well.

BarronVonSnooples · 2011-02-10T20:28:19+00:00

The only person on this entire planet who knows you're nervous and insecure is you. That's it. For all those hotties on your campus know, you could be a confident fucking stallion and how lucky would they be if you CHOSE to approach them and invite them into your fucking awesome world? College is THE BEST place to reinvent yourself and being that you're only a freshman, you are fucking primed for such an event. Tell your old self to fuck off and go take charge of your life.

unsexyMF · 2011-02-09T22:33:57+00:00

I have also felt paralyzed by analysis. I used to think that I had to get it perfect. I'll recommend some things I recommend to just about everyone in your predicament:

When you go up to a girl, just go there and admit to yourself that you're nervous. You can even tell her that you're not used to approaching women like this. The only way you'll get better is with practice. When I go up to women, I do it with minimal planning.

2nd_class_citizen · 2011-02-10T01:04:40+00:00

Anything worth doing will take effort and time. You CAN change yourself, but it won't necessarily be a cakewalk. Don't be so hard on yourself and make small changes everyday or try new things everyday. One day, you'll look back and realize that all the little steps you took have suddenly added up to a very big journey.

seddit_throwaway1010 · 2011-02-10T01:06:49+00:00

Your prime market is cute girls at your college. If you get a bad rep there you've kind of ruined your best market. Get as far away from the college as you can, as far away from anyone you might know as is possible. Head to the next town over or whatever. Get far enough away so that you can make a fool of yourself for an entire day and you will be certain of never having to see any of those people again.

Ok, now that you are in a safe place commit to staying there until you do one thing: Say hi to at least 10 people. They can be ugyly or the wrong sex or whatever, doesn't matter. Just say hi to them. You don't even have to say anything after that, just say hi and let them walk away. That's it.

Repeat every week or two. Practice this in your far off location until your hi's start turning into conversations.

2011-02-10T02:11:34+00:00

Feel afraid and do it anyways. There's no tricks. It is hard. Do the work or don't.

It helps to be straightforward if you don't know what to say, "Hi, I think your attractive. We're getting together sometime." Keep it simple.

Blunderd · 2011-02-10T02:54:26+00:00

|Shit, I'm looking at one now sitting all by herself

Stroll up, Just fucking say "Couldnt help noticing you looking lonely over here... Want some company???" She will say yes

NeedHelpPUA · 2011-02-10T04:16:42+00:00

You need to quit being a pussy. Straight up. You need to quit with that attitude that you can't do something. One day you're going to realize that life doesn't go on forever, and it will be too late.

WhiteTiger10 · 2011-02-10T13:27:52+00:00

You know a lot of seddits here are giving friendly advise but those are no brainers, I think the issue is that you're simply accepting defeat, THAT is your problem. Your mommy won't help you here.

2011-02-09T22:30:47+00:00

Everyone has approach anxiety. You are not special in this regard. This isn't just you. To get over your approach anxiety you have to really want to do it. You obviously don't want it enough bad enough. Simple as that.

letsgetsilly · 2011-02-09T22:37:59+00:00

If you're this aware and concerned about it, it will come to you, just try to take it slow.

There are some mind-hacks that you can try to use to get yourself into action. It might help to think about how scary it would be to never try as compared to how scary it is to try.

You can also go into a conversation with the determination to fail. Pick a person and say "I'm going to go talk to them in the best way possible, and I'm going to fail". Once you can learn that failing really isn't that big of a deal, you'll understand how to get better.

As it is with everything in life that you want to improve on, don't be afraid to "get worse" at a skill before you get better. Whether you're trying to change your free throw shot to get better, enhance your programming skills, or learn to have a conversation better, you've got to change the way you do things, try new things, and get worse before your outcomes get better.

Good luck, stay focused, and relax.

FernsAreFine · 2011-02-09T23:11:25+00:00

Find your strong point and show it. For me it's my smile. I'm a stoned looking, middle weight, somewhat attractive, average male. However, I have a great smile. If I'm talking to someone and I'm consciously smiling, I feel more confident because I know (what i perceive) my best trait is being shown. They probably wont even notice. But it's not about that. It's about confidence. Other than that, practice. Just force social interaction. Any time you talk to someone, try to give more than the minimal interaction. Make a joke out of something. If you see someone you "kinda" know and could get away with out saying hello, don't. Say hi to everyone. Constant small social interactions.

Airborneevil · 2011-02-10T00:15:25+00:00

Just throw yourself into a situation without thinking. Think of it as a challenge. Thats when I'm gold. When I plan a situation out it theres more pressure and feels less adventurous.

daveguy · 2011-02-10T00:19:58+00:00

stop trying to fuck them. just talk to them. pretend like they're boys.

start with less attractive women first if that makes it easier.

Rhythmic · 2011-02-10T02:32:28+00:00

Get some social hobbies. At best something involving physical contact - like martial arts, dancing or acting. Cooking is not bad either. Let your imagination loose. Look at listings and see what events are available.

My hobby of choice is salsa dancing, but it's just me. The beginning was hard. Now life's good :)

When you meet inner resistance, pay attention to your thoughts. What are the objections your mind is throwing at you? This is a way to recognize the limiting beliefs you have. Work on removing them.

Good luck!

Edit: Formatting.

sensical · 2011-02-10T03:34:42+00:00

Forget about picking up and conversating for a few days. Just focus on letting your anxieties go and not taking everything so seriously. Everything is fine. If you think about it, you'll realize that whatever comes your way, you'll handle it one way or another and move on. Just go through your day staying conscious of the fact that nothing is a big deal. Be happy, you know? I mean, you don't want to be irresponsible or anything, but it does no good to be all uptight. You got some chore to do, like laundry or the dishes or something? Just do it. Don't dwell on it and get all uptight about it. Just realize it's no big deal and get it done. Nothing's a big deal. You're going to fucking die someday. Now that's a big deal. What are you going to have to show for your life after you're dead? Are you going to be forgotten or remembered?

latinblood · 2011-02-10T04:24:25+00:00

i tend to meet people most in lines, just say interesting random shit loud enough for the person behind and infront of you can hear you such as "damn i hope this gos by faster i've got a (enter class here) to go to" and if they have similaritys they usually respond, and you have to PUSH the conversation until you get where you want to be at the beggining of the line. from then on its bassically friends meeting you with other friends and the 5 degrees of seperation

TheFeedski · 2011-02-10T05:18:43+00:00

I have the same exact problem. Freshman in college, surrounded by plenty of beautiful women I would love to talk to, I just don't. I feel weird if I approach them randomly saying "hi" or something. It sucks, I know how you feel. The sad thing is, everyone tells me i'm a good looking guy, and I still won't do it.

huyvanbin · 2011-02-10T05:24:57+00:00

I think your reading is only making things worse for you because it's making you think that you have to do something special. All you have to do is live. Move forward every day. Join student organizations. Join clubs. Learn to play pool. Put on a play. There is so much for you to do, and your parents are paying so you can do most of it for free with lots of other people your age. Be proactive. Organize people to do things you want to do. Practice being a leader. Work on having the awesomest college experience you can.

yellowsayshello · 2011-02-10T06:54:56+00:00

Bring a friend into this circle and teach him what you've learned. Having someone motivating you will always help you overcome anxiety.

2011-02-10T09:00:03+00:00

Shit, I'm looking at one now sitting all by herself

I read that as "I'm looking at one taking a shit all by herself"...!

afcanonymous · 2011-02-10T20:23:57+00:00

You're reading too much.

Stop reading and thinking and visualizing amazing interactions. It's mental masturbation. Now, go out and DO.

MisterInternet · 2011-02-11T19:36:11+00:00

I understand where you're coming from. I'm also a freshman in college, and until relatively recently I was in much the same position. All throughout my childhood I was an awkward kid, who had difficulty talking to new kids, and women in particular. At some point in between junior and senior year this all changed.

How did it change you may ask? I STOPPED GIVING A FUCK. By far, that single sentence changed my life more than anything else. I realized that no one else is of any consequence, and that if I just do what I do, things will generally work out for the better. Now, this is a nihilistic approach to things, but it works. By ceasing to care about what the other person/people think, it removes all limitations that I would otherwise place on myself. Also, I started enjoying trees, and woa did that help with my people skills.

lilninjalee · 2011-02-10T02:55:06+00:00

Ask them questions about themselves. Girls love to talk about themselves.

CommentMan · 2011-02-10T00:05:12+00:00

Alcohol

daveguy · 2011-02-10T00:22:40+00:00

also, as a way to reduce my own social anxiety, i used to work to make other people a little uncomfortable with my comments.

Try this for fun:

Get in the elevator with several people. Belch.

Or this:

Ask somebody on the bus/train/bench/etc... 'what has two legs and bleeds profusely?' they will look at you like a pervert, and get really uncomfortable. when they don't answer or give up trying.... 'half of a giraffe'. then walk away.

go to a part of town you wouldn't normally hang out in. that way you never ever have to see those people again.

good luck.

dsfgdsfg888 · 2011-02-10T08:01:22+00:00

Funny thing actually, this happened to me today let me share. I was on the bus from college (im a freshman just like you) and I saw this cute chick. In my head I'm just like "yeah, when the bus stops, I'm gonna stop her in her tracks and introduce her". When the bus stopped I pussed out and walked right passed her and all that popped in my head was "forever alone". So when I go upstairs im just like man im such a little pussy. I walk in the subway (crammed btw) and theres another cute girl who goes to my school standing in front of me the whole time. We RARELY made eye contact and nothing more. The same thoughts were in my head "yeah im gonna talk to her when the bus stops". What do I do? I speed ahead of her ONCE AGAIN. So I reach the top of the stairs and I'm like, you know what, fuck this, I'm doing it. I stopped her and I say "Can I borrow you for a minute?" and she was cool with it. I came up with some bullshit story that i was doing some project how boys are intimidated of good looking girls and I wanted her input on it. At this point i sound fucking utterly nervous and she sensed it, but I didn't care. We start talking and i find out she goes to the same college as me and I tell her that there was a buddy of mine "recording this for my project". Complete bullshit, I know. Do I think she bought it? Absolutely not. And I don't really care. I manned up and actually did it. I didn't get any contact information off her because I'm not that good considering this was my first time EVER doing it. Now I feel like I accomplished something and I feel less nervous, in a way that I can approach more girls. Trust me. Next time you see a good looking girl, or even AVERAGE go for it. It doesn't matter what happens. The more you do it, the more you will get used to it. If you can't think of anything, use my story.

diath · 2011-02-11T07:39:48+00:00

I I I I my me I'm I'm I'm I I I I've I've I I I'm I'm I I've I'm I I'm I I I.

You are not your ego. Your approach anxiety is your ego attempting to protect your being from harm. It is misguided, and harmful in this situation. Simply do not heed it. Be aware of it, and its concerns, but do not let them dictate the actions you take. Pain is painful, awareness of pain is not painful. The "I" is not all of who you are.

1stmoredancingwbruno · 2011-02-15T20:35:54+00:00

ssri

zenmagnets · 2011-02-10T08:07:20+00:00

Stop fapping. Serious. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201001/was-the-cowardly-lion-just-masturbating-too-much

Title	I can't do this...
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	35
Comments	72
Date	February 9, 2011 10:01 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/fib4z/i_cant_do_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-cant-do-this.1315422 https://theredarchive.com/post/1315422

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