I've spent my whole life projecting as humble of an image as possible, on the theory that it was more virtuous to do so, and that the way to attract people was to let them discover my true value in indirect ways.

That was a failed experiment, and it even made me forget my own value by denying myself recognition of it.

I have value. A lot of value actually.

I'll go crazy if the only way I allow myself to see that value is by waiting for others to acknowledge it.

This isn't the same as bravado or egotism. A truly valuable person doesn't feel the need to talk about it constantly. But it means not denying or downplaying my own value, which I've been doing for far too long.

In a way, I feel like I've been too reliant on social proof, which I do have in a lot of group contexts. My shtick has been to let others vouch for me so that I never have to vouch for myself. But it makes me a lot more timid in situations where I don't already have social proof. And when meeting new people I don't feel comfortable with them until I've won them over.

It's all just a variation of relying on external validation.