Texting 101 – A Guide to Turn Texts into Dates

1. The more you do on the frontend, the less you’ll have to do on the backend.

This is one of the most important principles in pick-up and dating. The more you do on the frontend, the less you’ll have to do on the backend. What I mean by this is the more you’ve done on the frontend; exercising, creating a cool style that works for you, having good hygiene, developing a good attitude and mindset from reading, meditating, or whatever path is highest for you, and having a smooth rap from spending time with women, all of that good work you’ve done is going to make it much easier for a woman to give you her number, go on a date with you, see you again, etc.

This process is analogous to a roller coaster ride. It takes a bit of work to get the coaster up the top of the tracks but from there it’s smooth sailing. The same thing takes place in dating. All of the things you’re doing (or could be doing) to improve yourself have an amazing cumulative effect when a woman meets you and now it’s easy and fun to let the interaction go where you want. For instance, if you were to meet a woman who’s in great shape, has an amazing personality, and has her life together, it would be very easy for you to want to see her again. The same concept applies to women with men.

2. You’re gaming her throughout the entire interaction.

Think of your texts as a continuation of the original interaction you had. You want to build on the foundation you two already put into place during your meeting. If your meeting was less than ideal, then this is the time to recapture her attention, change her frame of mind regarding her perception of you, and get her interested. Think of your first text with her as a second shot to connecting with her if your first interaction wasn’t the best. What I see a lot of guys do in their text game is that after meeting a woman and having a good interaction with her, they’ll go into a very logical business type mode when setting up the date. Men tend to be more logical left-brain thinkers whereas women are more emotional right brain thinkers. This is important to be aware of when texting because a lot of men communicate with women via text the same way they communicate with other men. Their texts are usually pretty dry and can actually detract from the good work the men did in person. They also assume that since the woman gave them her number, the date is assured. It’s not. When they met the woman, she was in a good state, either from their interaction or whatever was going on with her before then however when you text her she might not be in that same state so you want to recapture her attention so that when you set up the date she’s in a good state of mind to say yes. Also, some women are nervous about going out with a guy they just met, so when your texts put her into a good state, it releases her tension and makes it much easier for her to say yes to you. For a lot of you guys who have asked why women are so unresponsive or cold when you text them as opposed to this laughing happy person that you met, this concept explains why. When you were in person, she was in a positive state of mind, however when you text her she’s not in that same state so you want to put her back into it so that your interactions will flow smooth.

​It’s like if you were to ask a friend for something, you wouldn’t ask the friend while he or she was in a bad mood. You would wait until he or she was doing better and then ask. The same concept applies to women. You want her state to be something that is conducive to your interactions with her.

3. Put Some Bait on the Line! - Hooking

Your average guy (average in terms of social skills) gets a woman’s number and texts her something like:

“Hey Amy, it’s Ron from Saturday night. Would you like to meet for dinner at 7:00PM on Tuesday?” Now Amy may or may not say yes depending on if she’s busy Tuesday night and also if she’s in the mood to go out. Other guys send texts like; “Hi” or “What’s up?” This usually gets a response with; “Hi, who’s this?” Then the guy either responds with what I wrote above; ““Hey Amy, it’s Ron from Saturday night. Would you like to meet for dinner at 7:00PM on Tuesday?” or “Hey Amy, it’s Ron. What’s up?” This isn’t building attraction, in fact, it might take away from it if Amy is busy at the moment.

What I want you to do is put some bait on the line. For example, when you go fishing, you don’t just throw your hook out into the water hoping it catches some fish. You put some bait on the line to attract the fish so that it bites into the hook. The same concept applies to your texting. Make sure that your texts hook the woman and get her attention. For example, I met a woman who works at a male enhancement company. My first text to her was; “How many men have you enhanced today? – Tony :)” I included an emoticon so she knows I’m joking and I also included my name so that she doesn’t have to ask and we can jump right into the interaction. We then got into a really sexual talk and made plans for her to come by my place.

If you have something relevant from your conversation that you could use to hook her with, use it. This is one of the reasons why it’s important to be present and listening when a woman talks. For example, a student or friend of mine (this occurs a lot with guys who are inexperienced with texting women) will meet a woman, get her number, and then tell me “I’m not sure what to text her with.” I’ll ask him; “What does she do?” To which the guy will say “I don’t remember.” I’ll then ask; “What did you talk about?” To which the guy will again say; “I don’t remember.” Women are giving men a lot of information, more information than most guys realize, so be aware of what she’s saying, doing, and even wearing so that you can use that to capture her attention through text. For example, in my “Picking Up Women at the Gym 2” field report, the beautiful blond I met at the gym told me she has a fitness and cooking blog that she runs. I mentioned to her that she should post on Reddit as it has so many people that are into that. My text the following day was; “Remember, Reddit.com is your friend.” We spoke about work stuff for a few texts then I started to joke with her that if she sees any drunk shirtless men at the gym, to stay away from them (we got interrupted by a drunk shirtless guy at the gym when we met). I used what was relevant from our in-person conversation to start a text conversation that set up a date. I mention this as not all of your hooks have to be humorous, they just need to capture the woman’s attention. I once met a tall woman who was wearing black leather boots, black tights, and a black leather jacket. When we met, I asked her if she was a real bad ass or just dresses like one. My first text to her was; ““How is the world’s biggest bad ass?” She ended up coming over to my place later that week.

If you can give her a nickname that she likes during your interaction with her, that helps to reactivate the energy of your first interaction. For example, I met this cool hippie girl who loved to be out in the sun all day. I texted her with; “Sunflower! Make sure you get lots of water today.” She ended up coming over that night for some of the freakiest sex I ever had. The process of giving her a nickname is simple to do. When you’re entering her number into your phone tell her; “I’m saving you as (insert nick-name).” For example, I met this really hot fitness model. She told me that she normally doesn’t like meeting new people but this time she was happy she did. She said sometimes she’s cool when meeting people, and sometimes she hates meeting new people. I joked with her that she’s like a human swirl but with emotions. She laughed and said that’s really true as her Dad is really dark and her Mom is really light. When I saved her number, I told her; “I saving you as Alana Chocolate and Vanilla.” My first text was; “Swirl! What flavor are you today?” She wrote back; “Vanilla. It’s the good one.” And she came to my apartment about an hour later.

4. Reel Her In

Now that you’ve hooked the woman with your initial text, you reel her in with a few more texts before setting up the date. What most guys do is after they get one good response, they immediately ask the woman out often even ignoring what she just texted them with. This is almost like the texting equivalent of not paying attention to what someone’s saying as you’re waiting to talk. What I do instead is that I text a few texts to build up more rapport before asking her out. I don’t text forever though as you want to save something for the date. Sometimes guys will text forever with a woman thinking that they’re building a stronger connection but in reality they’re giving away everything that they could have discussed during the first date. Save something for the date! If she says; “So tell me about yourself.” Tell her; “You’ll find all that out on the date.” Again, save something for when you two are in person. Also, some women can prolong a date forever as they’re getting their emotional needs met through texting so after a short period of time, set up the date.

5. Set up the date

When setting up the date, ask her when she’s free. What inexperienced guys do is they’ll say; “Are you free tomorrow night?” And the woman will say; “I can’t tomorrow.” Then the guy will say; “How bout Thursday?” To which the woman will say; “I can’t Thursday.” The guy will then say; “How bout Friday?” By this time the guy has conveyed to the woman that he is really invested into this woman and also that he doesn’t have anything else going on since he’s available every night. Avoid this by asking her when she’s free. Another point to be aware of is when you’re texting her. If you met the woman on Wednesday, I wouldn’t text her late Friday or Saturday night trying to get her out as she probably already has plans and it also suggests you’re hitting her up for a booty call. If the girl is a really cool party girl and you’re out too, there’s nothing wrong with texting her but if you’re at home and about to text a woman for your first time on a Friday night, I generally wouldn’t recommend it.

I like to set up my dates during the week (Sunday – Thursday) as most women are generally free those days and have nothing to do. You’d be surprised at how many good looking women are at home during the week wishing they had a guy to take them out. Also, by setting up your dates during the week you’re not trying to compete with whatever plans the woman might have for the weekend. Having lived in a busy city like L.A., women had things planned on the weekend for weeks in advance. If you asked her when she is free and she says the weekend, then by all means feel free to go out with her on the weekend but I want to make you aware of the fact that asking a woman out for the weekend might not be the best strategy.

When setting up the date, I tend to be more specific then general. For example, I met this good looking woman and when I set up the date I texted her with; “Have you ever been to Polite Provisions? It’s got the best drinks in all of San Diego.” She responded that she hadn’t to which I asked her when she was free. It turned out she was free that night and we went out and had a great time. A lot of times guys will ask a woman out by saying something like; “You want to chill?” or something vague along that line. Again, I like to put some bait on my hook so I tend to be more specific when I set up the date. I don’t want her wondering what we’re going to do which could make her uneasy and say no.

6. Don’t get mad! Patience and Persistence is King.

Whatever you do, don’t get mad! Oftentimes I’ll see a guy text a woman and if he doesn’t get a response back immediately, he’ll either begin to panic or he’ll get upset. For instance, a friend of mine called me because he texted a woman he just met and hadn’t heard anything in fifteen minutes. I told him to relax and to calm down. The woman might be in class, at work, in the bathroom, not have her phone on her, not be sure what to say (women have anxiety too), might not feel like talking, or be busy at the moment. I told him to relax and a few hours later he heard from her. I’ve seen guys text a woman and after fifteen or thirty minutes they’ll text again, then when they don’t hear anything they’ll text again, then after the third or fourth text they’ll send the woman a really angry text. To the woman reading the texts, it looks like she gave her number out to a psycho with control issues. Don’t be like that. Be calm and cool so that you continue to be in her eyes the confident man you were when you asked her out.

Some women are genuinely busy and some use their busyness to wade out potential suitors. Those who use their busyness to test men, actually see how men react to their busyness before they decide to go out with them. They want to see if the guy is really interested in them or will disappear the first time they say no. It’s been said that something like 60% of sales are made after the fourth attempt so don’t throw in the towel so easily. Often a guy will ask a woman out, she’ll say no because she had plans that day, and the guy will incorrectly equate her no with “She said no therefore she must not like me.” Even though the woman specifically told him she can’t see him that night because she already had plans, the guy incorrectly assumes she doesn’t like him. Be sure that what you’re hearing is what she’s saying. Some women are legitimately busy and as you develop more rapport with them, they’ll make room for you in their lives.

What I like to do is if I don’t hear back from her, I’ll send another text a day or two later, then maybe one last text two or three days later.

7. Texting Tempo and Size

Now, there’s some people who believe that you should wait however long a woman texted you before you text her back. I personally don’t like to do this as I’m usually really busy and if she’s a busy person too and is texting me when she has free time, I want to take advantage of that time. Also, I’ll forget to text her if I don’t do it when the text is in front of me. Let’s say for instance that when you texted her she was at work and she gets back to you eight hours later when her shift ends. Under that method of waiting, you would have to wait and remember to text her back eight hours later. This could delay your date for days. I also feel that this is an inauthentic way of being. If you want to text her back, go for it. I feel that waiting game detracts from the flow and energy of your interaction.

If she texts you with a few lines, don’t respond back with a giant paragraph, keep your texts relative to her size. You don’t want to overwhelm her. If she writes you a giant paragraph, feel free to write more in your texts.

8. Confirm your plans

I like to confirm my plans with a woman early in the day. Life can be hectic, things can come up last minute, so I send a text way earlier in the day (usually in the afternoon) to make sure we’re still on; “We still on for tonight?” If you two speak on Thursday and make plans to go out the following Tuesday, confirm those plans ahead of time, either early in the day on Tuesday or the day before. A lot of stuff could have happened between Thursday and Tuesday; she might have to work late, friends might have shown up from out of town, she might’ve forgotten about the date, so confirm you two are on before you get ready to go out.

If she’s busy, don’t get mad! Be cool. Getting mad or trying to make her feel guilty is not going to make her like you more, it’s going to make her like you less. Be cool. Show her that you’re a guy who has a life aside from her. This will make her more interested in you. For instance, I was supposed to go out with this woman and at the last minute she had to cancel as something came up. I told her it was fine and I’ll see her another night. The next night she ended up coming right over to my place. When she was over she told me; “If it was any other guy, he would’ve gotten upset.” Don’t get upset if things come up. Life happens. Go on enjoying your day.

9. Conclusion

Remember, the more you do on the frontend, the less you’ll have to do on the backend so strive to become the best person you can possibly be. Your dating life will be smoother and the quality of women in your life will improve. When texting a woman for the first time, make sure that your initial text grabs her attention. From there, text a few times back and forth before setting up the date. When setting up the date, be specific about what you plan to do as it gets her more invested in the date and be sure to confirm your date if it’s something you set up in advance.

I hope this helps you set up some dates!

• Tony

For more tips, strategies, and techniques, feel free to check out my book; “Your Older Brother’s Guide to Dating” and my site authenticsociallife.com.