When you meet someone and within minutes you start thinking he/she is amazing and literally perfect, when you get obsessed, realize several things are happening here:

· You’re not okay by yourself and just crave someone to tell you you’re enough

· You stop seeing them as a person; he/she is now just a projection of the qualities you feel you lack within yourself

You put them on a pedestal and deep down think you don’t deserve that person. Because of this subconsciously, you act in a way to confirm this reality — self sabotage. You can’t be your authentic self when around them. You over think, get anxious and try to play this image of someone you’re not to fill the gap between the two of you. The other person feels your incongruency and will start to distance themselves from you.

This kind of obsession only happens when you lack self-acceptance. You don’t think you’re enough. Realize that there’s nothing to be enough of to begin with, you’re just disconnected with your own self. You don’t know your value system so you just end up using the default societal ones. Society tells you this other person is better than you because they’re better looking, they have more money, higher social standing, cooler friends and a better life than yours. That you’re somehow out of their league. You can try your best, you can climb as high as you want but this is a game you will not win.

The solution?

Optimize first and then stop playing! Start thinking for yourself. Start being conscious of your own personal values. There are many hot guys/girls out there, what makes this one special? How self-actualized is this person? How introspective and connected to their own nature are they? How is their sense of humor? What are they passionate about? Qualify them through your own metrics. Learn the difference between real love and this toxic obsessive version. The latter stems from your lack of self-acceptance.

Don’t start self-attacking if you don’t know what your own personal values are. Most people don’t either, it’s what we are conditioned to. Start by understanding you who really are and embrace the responsibility that comes with self-awareness.