I am a chump.

wwstewart · 2019-12-06T18:11:35+00:00

When will I learn?

I believe you just did.

Don't say anything to her about what you found. Get copies for evidence. Start recording your calls if you legally can (varies by state usually). Start documenting her behavior. Be polite, be cordial. Don't let her know you're documenting everything.

In the meantime, there are two other things you need to do besides documenting everything: 1) get an attorney and 2) start taking care of yourself hardcore.

Don't mention the divorce to her. Don't get the papers drawn up for "irreconcilable differences" or any of that no-fault bs. File on grounds of adultery, and use the evidence you gather to lock it in.

When should you tell her you're checking out? You shouldn't. That's what serving her the papers are for.

Get ready for the battle of your life. It's going to be hell, it's going to hurt.

But you can do this. Stay strong.

dday_throwaway3 · 2019-12-06T17:50:38+00:00

> When will I get the balls to tell her I am done?

You don't need permission or validation from internet strangers. You've already reached that point.

> Up until about a month ago we were going to counseling. Which I admit, wasn’t really working but at least we were trying.

Men get married hoping their wife never changes, while women get married hoping their husband changes. From first hand experience -- marriage counseling is a waste of money, brains and time. It only lasts as long as the counselor agrees with the woman. It should be self evident that you are the way you are, and she is the way she is, and neither of you is going to change the other.

Your wife cheated on you because she doesn't respect you. Ask yourself how you can stay together with someone who doesn't respect you enough that they would cheat on you while you were earnestly trying to salvage the relationship.

rmorlock · 2019-12-06T19:34:01+00:00

Welcome to the club! Might I suggest r/survivinginfidelity

TheDude191179 · 2019-12-06T17:54:22+00:00

You’ll stop being a chump when you decide you want your dignity back. Some guys play the chump their whole life. Don’t be that guy, you’ll regret it.

DBFool2019 · 2019-12-12T14:42:37+00:00

You're not a chump man. You trusted your WIFE, exactly like you're supposed to until you find out she's a lying cheater.

Now you know, if you stay........then you're a chump.

You tried man, and reading your posts it was one hell of a valiant effort. You can't change her, but you can be happy without her. Go get life now!!

LonelyNC123 · 2019-12-06T17:45:01+00:00

Yeah, counseling can work if both people really try but it sure sounds like she is not trying. My spouse does not try either, awful, isn't it?

JustOkIsOk · 2019-12-06T19:27:20+00:00

Stop kicking yourself for hoping for something. You didn't know. You do now. Now you can formulate a plan and move on. No more sitting around wondering. I have done. Many others before you have held out hope to save their relationships and many after you will have held out hope as well.

Sad_Dad_0613 · 2019-12-06T20:13:30+00:00

I’m right there with you. All the signs were pointing to divorce last November, maybe even earlier than that. She convinced me everything was my fault and I agreed with it so I spent the next year trying to make it right and be as kind and understanding as I could physically be. I also swore to myself I would try my best so that I could look my kids in the eye and tell them I did everything I could to try to make it work woth their mom.

I bent over backwards and made a lot of mistakes but I learned some things:

1) perfection isn’t possible. You’re going to get upset, you’re going to get angry at her and make mistakes. She’s going to be looking at each one as a reason of why you haven’t changed. Fuck that. No one is perfect.

2) take no responsibility for her or her actions. It’s hard enough to control ourselves and be responsible for ourselves. Focus only on what you can control. Every thing else is just an energy leak and depletes you. You only have so much energy and time, make sure you are spending it on things that will make your situation better.

3) Forgive yourself first. You did the best you could at the time with the information you had and where you were at in your development. Period. You know better now so you can do better.

4) embrace gratitude and mindfulness. Live in the moment and be thankful for the things you do have rather than focusing on what you lost, do not have or stand to lose in the future. Value your own mental health and be thankful for the moments you are alone without being yelled at, criticized, or made to feel bad.

5) take it a day at a time. Release all expectations of where you “should” be. Heck, eliminate “should” from your vocabulary. Learn to love yourself independent of anyone or anything. The rest will fall in place.

6) know you have support. Use your friends, family and even people on here to find solidarity and help with the other 4 steps. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be treated as a human and with respect. You deserve to not have to beg to be loved.

Keep it up. Just being here means you want to change and are working on yourself and are learning. I’m ready to start my journey and actually file after trying for so long. It’s scary but I know it can’t be worse than it has been. There is light on the other side.

wyndebutt · 2019-12-06T20:38:28+00:00

Be smart about the situation. I would make copies and/or records of everything. Are your finances separate? What about credit cards? Do you have someone you trust that can help you...like a blood relative...mom, dad, brother etc? Ask around for a good tough lawyer. This is going to cost you a lot of $$ and stress. But you are already stressed and dying inside. Take care of yourself. You will be ok. You have the right to be happy. YOLO! Make it count.

kordeliakuthbert · 2019-12-06T17:58:42+00:00

Yeah, maybe- the world has turned upside down for 'marriages' now because of the constant and instant infidelity offered by phone/tech. You should be brutally honest with her, is there a woman you'd love to send dick pics to and go plow her every so often, say so.

In these situation I think it's best for a guy to let his nuts hang. Show her she would be a fool to leave you. Start exercising, step up your game and make her desire you again. A little jealousy, some new sexy boundaries and you may make it.

Try treating her as a friend you care about rather than a wife you own. She probably just needs to get nailed really bad. I think you could fuck this bullshit out of her, if you really wanted to.

Just realize sex is all about gravity and desire. Fire up your engines, fill up with love energy and a woman will come along for the ride, might not be your cheating wife- probably someone better.

Much Love brother, sorry you're hurting. My ex pulled the same shit.

stevev916 · 2019-12-06T20:01:32+00:00

one of the best lessons i ever had was dating this sexy girl who was a total slut and cheated on me

it made me damn sure id find the opposite type of woman to marry

Title	I am a chump.
Author	JasonButIGoByJay
Upvotes	10
Comments	15
Date	December 6, 2019 5:36 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/e71rsn/i_am_a_chump/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-am-a-chump.1202255 https://theredarchive.com/post/1202255

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