What do i do now?

patently_pleasant · 2021-03-29T16:34:17+00:00

Hi E,

I am a 25-year-old divorcee that got divorced at the end of last year. My number one tip is to check in to therapy and utilize your support network. It sounds like you have a family that wants to help. It gets so much better. I thought the same exact thing and I thought I would never be happy with someone else. It’s just not true. Four months later I’m already with someone else who makes me happier than I was before, but it took a lot of hard work and therapy to get here. Get serious about investing in yourself. Reach out to others and be vulnerable with those you trust. Learn from your mistakes and develop the powerful skill of introspection. You can always dm me if you want to talk.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-03-29T18:15:40+00:00

> I’m very much terrified of starting over.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-03-29T17:58:13+00:00

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market in a much much better position.

TastyWheat67 · 2021-03-29T20:14:06+00:00

Friend, The majority of men here have felt exactly what you do right now, and we're all thinking the same thing: You just dodged a bullet but you can't see the forest through the trees. I couldn't either. But you won't have to experience this with kids. Honestly, this is the best thing that could happen to you because anyone who would do as you've indicated, is trouble. What would you tell your mother to do if she were in your situation? You'd be glad to see her get away. Focus on the chores at hand and things will be better, guaranteed.

jeanfalzon · 2021-03-30T10:52:10+00:00

Hey buddy. im 34 was with my x for 11 years. I was in the position you are now but believe me when I say it gets better. I got through it by focusing on new hobbies and introducing new passions in my life. I also got a dog which I love more then anything in the world. Forward almost 12 months I have a new girlfriend, a new apartment and financially better then I have ever been before. I have also learned to play the piano and actually got really good at it :D. You re young buddy believe me when I say you life is just beginning. Only thing I say is make sure you learn lessons from your experience so not to fall into the same traps. Good luck my brother!

MNCPA · 2021-03-30T11:48:49+00:00

Give it time. Find out who you want to be. Then be that person. Eventually, the right match will come along.

playerknowmore · 2021-03-29T17:11:22+00:00

It baffles me why someone going through an ugly divorce; are more scared of what comes next. Just watched the movie "LAND" highly recommended. It's about a woman who leaves her life to live in the wilderness to avoid human contact.

Reading the post inferring what you left out because TMI; that lady in the mountains; miles away from civilization is in a better situation than you are now. Luckily for you your situation will be over soon. Next time date long enough to find your person's crazy, and be sure you can live with it. After this ordeal I suggest you move; personally I'd go somewhere I'd never been, but home is fine if that's what you choose.

Jonger1150 · 2021-03-29T21:45:00+00:00

You'll get over her. It's easier without kids too.... with kids it takes a bit longer. I have a diabetic son I coordinate care with her on....that made the process harder, but I'm good now.

Don't listen to others here when they go on about how you need to take this long break and improve yourself.

Get a lawyer, move out and find someone else.

Tis_Of_Thee · 2021-03-29T23:06:15+00:00

Time is your friend, you'll feel better as you move forward. Be thankful you have a support group, and that you're young. More than enough time to start over and build a better life than before.

My advice to you after reading your post: you said " She even told me she wasn’t kicking me out or to the curb (in text message). Not even 2 days after being gone she texted me that she removed my name from our apartment lease, and threaten to sell my car (which she did)". Get this straight - no one gets the option of kicking you to the curb. You give no one that power in the future. If the lease and the car were in your name you fight to get what's yours. Going forward in future relationships you make sure that no one can remove you from your home and property.

Seems like there is a real prejudice against men when it comes to divorce, both socially and in the courtroom. You were partners in this marriage. Don't let her take advantage of you.

Good luck, you'll feel better soon.

Mad_Dawg707 · 2021-03-29T16:52:18+00:00

Do you have kids ?

Title	What do i do now?
Author	P3P3SILVIAH
Upvotes	11
Comments	18
Date	March 29, 2021 4:24 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/mft9u7/what_do_i_do_now/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-i-do-now.817299 https://theredarchive.com/post/817299

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