On the fence.

softinvest · 2022-10-13T23:58:57+00:00

Disclaimer: You are asking this question in the most biased Reddit group you’ll find.

Absolutely not worth it.

Younger kids bounce back better than older ones.

It will only get worse

Support costs will only get worse

Your sanity is worth so much more

That feeling, in the pit of your stomach, will never go away

She might actually respect you more for erecting firm boundaries

The time you’ll have with your kids will be far more enjoyable when you do not have to obey her every unreasonable request

This is just a short list and read it carefully. I made the mistake of overstaying and now I’m going to be financially crippled for a long time

Theedon · 2022-10-14T00:43:07+00:00

Just get divorced and end the relationship with the person you are no longer in love with. RIP off that Band-Aid and be a responsible Father to your kids.

ramboton · 2022-10-14T04:02:50+00:00

I waited, 18 years, now I am planning for the divorce and wish I had done it when I was younger, however I do have an amazing relationship with my daughters, I am closer to them than she is. And now I am thinking how is this going to work? Am I going to toss her out of the house? She has no place to go. Am I going to leave the house that I have owned for 25 years (5 years before we married)? At this point I am planning to pay off some bills and save up so I can hand her some cash and tell her to go get her own apartment.....

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-14T08:21:23+00:00

Living with a narcissist for another 15 years sounds like hell on earth to me.

Nobody can afford divorce, but we all manage to get through it somehow.

Girl_Dad42 · 2022-10-14T10:40:17+00:00

Do it now. The longer you wait, the longer you’ll pay alimony and also based on a higher salary. It won’t get better. Narcissists don’t change. I never knew what one was until after I divorced. I always thought it was a maturity issue and entitlement issue based on how she was raised. I was married for 13 years and should have walked away probably 9 years ago when her narcissistic behaviors really showed after the birth of our kids. Your kids will be fine. Also, think about the example of marriage that you’re setting for your kids if you stay. I’m sure at this point, you’re probably just roommates with your spouse.

Fact-Civil · 2022-10-14T15:26:25+00:00

Everyone’s a narcissist

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2022-10-14T16:00:44+00:00

cheated

LOL, from a guy who generally opposes divorce, dump her ass, it's worse for you than you think. Don't wait. Do it now. I generally oppose divorce unless it's clear that your spouse is the problem and not just the two of you needing to figure out how to treat yourselves and each other. But dude, she's cheating? Yep, she's the problem. Any delay in getting away from this woman is just going to make things worse for future you.

Get a solid in-writing, officially filed parenting plan in place before you move out -- or better, kick her out.

4rdfun · 2022-10-14T16:51:22+00:00

If you're going to do it, do it before you hit that 10 year mark, she'll be entitled to a lot more if you hit the 10 year mark. An agreed on separation date I think would be good enough. Talk to an attorney. and consider counseling if you're not already doing that.

hallmark654 · 2022-10-14T23:19:46+00:00

Leave for sure . But take one kid with you . If you move out you will be slapped with horrible child support and spend next 5 years fighting for custody.

BlueSerge · 2022-10-14T17:10:50+00:00

Ok thanks

NewDay0110 · 2022-10-14T06:14:25+00:00

I was in your situation a few years ago. After our child was born, my wife's behavior gradually became more toxic toward me. Unlike you, I didn't figure out she was a narcissist until after the marriage was over, so I spent a lot of fruitless time trying to make it work and reconcile whatever her issues were (which I didn't quite understand because her complaints constantly shifted topic). Knowing what you're dealing with is an advantage.

If you really are married to a narcissist, she will eventually file for divorce if you don't. It is in the nature of people like that to get bored. Affairs and divorce provide an adrenaline rush to help with the inner emptiness they feel. It's a sad existence.

When that moment comes, things could get very dangerous for you. She will throw everything she can to destroy your life. Even if she doesn't seem like that kind of person, the lawyers will convince her to do it because the system incentivizes them to do so.

By preparing now, you maintain the element of surprise in a divorce. You can carry around an audio recorder of every interaction you have with her to document facts. Among the worst tricks she can do to you is get you kicked out of the house via domestic violence restraining order - which leads to her getting the upper hand in custody and finances. It's a very common tactic and the truthfulness of it doesn't matter. Restraining orders get granted out of precaution and nobody cares about the inequity or undue stress on you it causes.

My suggestion is to meet an attorney and plan it without her knowing. From there you can try to ride this out until she leaves you or file now with better preparation. Some things you should start doing is:

Recording/documenting all interactions
Separating your finances and property to establish clarity of ownership
Keep your cool so that you can't be falsely accused of anything
Consider paths that you can get her to sign an antenuptial agreement

Gattsama · 2022-10-14T10:38:06+00:00

Please read our listen to "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. You need to escape the relationship. Not terminate, escape. If are with someone that cheats, lies, manipulates, etc and truly has NPD; and you don't want to leave or are conflicted about what to do...

Then I'm sorry to say you are but mentally healthy. No insult, was right there with you (but no kids). We assume the caretaker role and learn not only to function, but often to strive, in the dysfunctional drama triangle of: Victim, Rescuer and Prosecutor.

Understand that if your statements are true, your wife has serious mental health issues that you are not capable or competent to take care of. No matter what you do she will not change. Nothing will ever get better, in fact it's only gonna get worse. The longer you stay the more you expose yourself to a continued unhealthy mental environment for yourself and for your children.

The only thing that you can change is your own thoughts, feelings and actions. The only way anything will change in relationship is if you choose to change it, she is not capable of doing so. And generally speaking that change needs to be escaping it and terminating it.

The above book was really helpful for me. Also check out:

Title	On the fence.
Author	BlueSerge
Upvotes	9
Comments	30
Date	October 13, 2022 11:52 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/y3e4si/on_the_fence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/on-the-fence.1135764 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135764

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