I am not an "High Value Woman"

DraperBabyMaker · 2019-12-27T10:33:52+00:00

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JuddHerpatow · 2019-12-27T06:42:40+00:00

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Trillian_42_ · 2019-12-27T06:24:22+00:00

As a woman who’s pursuing a really technical career I can really empathize with you. I had an ex break up with me because he thought I would out earn him, he was a grown ass 29 yo man I was 20 at the time.

Try and seek out men that have similar interests as yourself. Look into special interest meetups, find your tribe and that guy that’s going to appreciate your intelligence AND be crazy about you will find you.

Don’t dumb yourself down for anyone. If they feel threatened by your intelligence, you’d get bored being with them anyway.

eru378 · 2019-12-27T15:04:57+00:00

Here's my take. Don't think of "high value" as a set of attributes you must obtain before you are allowed to have a good relationship and experience love. It is a mindset connected to your self-worth. You are already inherently valuable in the sense that you deserve respect, love, kindness, compassion, and ethical treatment in your relationships. We all do. When you have low self-esteem and low confidence and are suffering from loneliness, you may feel that seeking out crumbs of attention and affection is better than being alone, but you have to realise that it's better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship or to be wasting time chasing someone who isn't enthusiastically into you. In the really difficult times in life it is often best to be on your own and focus on building up your love towards yourself and on becoming the best version of yourself that you can be. Unless you love yourself and have the confidence to enforce boundaries and ensure you are being treated well by other people and, importantly, by your own self, you'll continue to end up hurt and heartbroken.

"High value", which is a term I don't totally love, happens when you are living truly for yourself and putting your time and energy into worthy pursuits, and men are just a background focus. You are working, studying, making music, reading, cultivating friendships, gardening, hiking, embroidering, shopping, watching films, lifting weights, whatever those things are that you have decided to put your time towards. You are motivated by something, you are independent financially, you deal with problems in your life with courage, you behave with honesty and integrity. You create a good life for yourself, and you only let in men who add positively to this life. You need to be strong and realise that it could be very hard to find a good man who's right for you and will treat you well. You sound a little like me at your age - I went though very similar things and now at 29 it's still not easy, but I feel good knowing I'm living honestly, pursuing my passions, and no longer wasting my time on men who aren't worth it. It hurts, I know, when you want a relationship and it won't happen. Keep thinking about what kind of partner you would like and what a good healthy relationship looks like, but you mostly need to put romance in the background for now and get a clear picture in your head of who you are and who you want to be and start working towards it.

2019-12-27T06:12:05+00:00

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themissdaydreamer · 2019-12-27T14:12:45+00:00

oh dear. there's no need to berate yourself. you already have the self-awareness that's necessary to do the inner work and personal improvement. going to therapy is already a great move, even though it doesn't feel like it right now -- it's a long term investment after all.

also FDS is not about "doing x and y to become high value" but learning how to treat yourself the way you deserve and not allowing anyone to treat you any less.

raindampened · 2019-12-27T13:18:12+00:00

The fact that I have to do x and y to turn "high value" is so depressed.

I feel this. I'm still a FDS newbie so I only recently realised that every choice I make is usually about men even if I'm not consciously aware of it. e.g. if I try to look nice I don't do it for myself but to appeal to men. while it's ok to enjoy attention from others you should never base your choices, that make you feel or look better, on others.

for example; if you want to look attractive then do it for yourself and not bc that would earn a HVM. you and I should try to keep in mind that we do deserve to look and feel good. there are so many incels and LVM who complain all the time how women won't fuck them bc they are ugly. they never think about how they deserve to maximise out their looks. they don't think about going to the gym to be healthy and strong and attractive. if they do go to the gym they do it out of hate bc they think if they become muscular then women will fuck them which won't work bc you have to go to the gym out of self love. going to the gym with petty/hate/wrong reasons won't keep you going.

so all in all; every decision you make to better yourself should be bc you know you deserve to treat yourself right.

Make_Woebegone · 2019-12-27T07:38:10+00:00

Don't assign your value based on society's value, your intelligence is an asset and anyone who feels differently is threatened by it. Strong people build eachother up not tear eachother down. You are attractive and valuable as you are, and a lot of us are here because we have been pickmeishas. Ignorance isn't a flaw, it's simply knowledge you didn't have. You wouldn't be upset about not knowing some obscure scientific fact you never learned and you shouldn't be upset about engaging in unproductive dating behavior you were unaware was not helpful. Self confidence takes time, be patient with yourself and don't neglect your self-care.

Liferips123 · 2019-12-27T05:50:25+00:00

Don’t worry. I have a high IQ as well, to the point to where I almost get hyper active when I’m on some sort of tangent about a subject. Many times I was told it was a turn off or I made them feel stupid. Most of the time it was because I was smart, clever, and apt to figure them out rather quickly so I was perceived as a threat or intolerant. My early 20s were rough for me I lost so much confidence and I got my heart broken a lot. But I stayed the course. I refused to dumb myself down. Learned to speak nicely and confident about myself, As I got older (29 now) I started meeting more mature, equally intelligent men. And it’s been absolutely nice. At your age you’re going to meet a lot of men that are blatantly dumb and looking for equally dumb or easy pickings and girls that don’t make them feel threatened because they are insecure themselves. A secure, intelligent, confident man will enter your life and make you realize how stupid all those others were. Build your confidence. No more validation seeking, Be proud of who you are. Be fierce. Stay the course. It will unfold.

Haltthemoon · 2019-12-28T03:46:29+00:00

You are not 'stuck'. You are finding yourself. You are only 20. Hell, you're not even a 'woman' yet. You're a young woman. What's the difference? Lessons learned. That's all.

Women like myself who are older than you, we are not better than you by any means. We are here to all share the lessons we've learned and the wisdom we've gained along the way. I bet you 110% there are things you've learned and can share with the rest of us that we don't know yet.

The rejection you're feeling is, in many ways, normal. You have to remember that your generation is very different from my generation which is only about 10 years apart. Your generation does not know the world without social media or the internet. It is a different set of expectations and a different lifestyle.

You don't need to do this: "The fact that I have to do x and y to turn "high value" is so depressing. Humans surely make me misanthopic but I guess it is life."

Don't think of it like that. Think of it as 'how can I improve my life because I do not like the current life I have?' There isn't a manual. There are recommendations. Do it your own way. Find what makes you whole.

Therapy is the first step. It will take a long time to get there because it should. What's 'there'? There is a place where you learn things about yourself. There is a place where you use those lessons to find yourself. There is a place where you will grow into your best self.

Being your best self is what a HVW is.

2019-12-27T22:29:43+00:00

See I used to feel this way until I realized that more than half those relationships you see are formed by LVM/Pickmeishas and the woman isnt treated right/isnt really happy and the guy is just using her for free resources and personally I honest to God feel like Id rather rope my fuckin' self than be in a relationship like those ones

Corevaloos · 2019-12-27T14:25:48+00:00

Look up rejection tolerance.rejection tolerance is when you basically just constantly put yourself into uncomfortable situations until you no longer fear rejection, and actually use it to focus on your passions and hobbies (if you dont have any this is the time to get some) because when you no longer fear rejection you no longer fear failure or struggle because you are impervious to the outcome of your endevours.(look up 'impervious to outcomes) When youre in that place you feel like you have the choice to focus your energy on what you want rather than leaning towards being addicted to hope to motivate you to do shitty boring humdrum life things.emotionally unavailable people are entertaining to us much like alcohol or cigarettes,and for a long long time it was advertised that its healthy to smoke ;) you sound like youre really striking oit for yourself though, I wouldnt be too worried.

Diamondsareagirlsbff · 2019-12-27T20:27:12+00:00

I would say that given your age, it’s normal not to have reached your full potential by now! You are on your way to realising your true value and power. By starting to work on this now in whatever way feels right for you, you’ve actually got a massive head start on lots of people.

TheLastUBender · 2019-12-28T14:09:06+00:00

You are only 20 years old. It's easy to feel stuck because there are so many options and possible paths you could take. My number one advice is to realize that self worth is an inherent quality. You don't have to jump through any hoops to attain self worth. Just value yourself enough to recognize and stop the negative self talk. Be nice to yourself.

One aspect of being nice to yourself is to try and expose yourself to as many different experiences as possible while you are young. You can't sit in a corner somewhere and 'think' your way to the perfect career, the ideal path in life, etc. You have to go out and try things and decide if they seem fun or not, and you can't wait for anyone else to take you by the hand to do that. If you are at uni / college, explore as many extracurriculars as you can. Even stuff that doesn't seem appealing at first. Try and find opportunities to travel. Do different jobs on the side.

When you are a brainy introvert, it is easy to believe you can figure out 'your calling' like you can figure out a logic puzzle. You unfortunately can't. You have to try and fail, try again until you find a few things that are worth keeping as a hobby or a career.

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Title	I am not an "High Value Woman"
Author	LoStInWonDerLanD33
Upvotes	49
Comments	21
Date	December 27, 2019 5:42 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eg73ba/i_am_not_an_high_value_woman/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-am-not-an-high-value-woman.686163 https://theredarchive.com/post/686163

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