Chronic Pain and LVMs

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-10-13T17:37:17+00:00

Thank you. I hate it when I see women in the pain community talk about how their SO's are pieces of shit. If they acknowledge the pain, they minimize it. Most of the time they still expect 50/50 (so 90/10) on housework even during a flare; most of the time they still expect 50/50 (90/10) on child care; most of the time they still expect 50/50 (90/10) on expenses KNOWING you were sick and out of work an entire week so your dollars don't stretch the same way.

"But I don't deserve anyone better" bullshit, lady. Bullshit. You still deserve love and respect.

I miss a day of work? My SO gives me money to compensate. I am terribly sore and crying? He comes over to give me a massage. I'm really bad off mentally? He stops whatever he's doing (even work) to make sure I'm ok. The only thing that I can hold down without vomiting is McDonalds fries? He goes and gets me fries and a chocolate bar so I have something sweet when my stomach settles. I cry and say I don't deserve him? "No, baby. You're perfect."

Everyone deserves the love I have. Don't sell yourself short.

NaturalSiren · 2020-10-13T17:39:18+00:00

In the book “the body keeps the score” the author talks about how complex PTSD is manifested in different ways.

Men who were abused as children tend to take it out on others and externalize their pain and abuse on others. Manifestations can be outwardly scary and terrifying for all.

Women in the same situation tend to internalize their pain and abuse on themselves. Manifestations tend to be internal and hides.

Anyways, some proponents suggest a possible cause of (some) chronic illnesses, or an increase in severity, is the trapped emotional trauma that never got out. And that these individuals still are living in the abuse/trauma loop they never got out of, and will defend those around them, even if they are hurting. The hurt men and women tend to attract each other since subconsciously it is familiar.

In summary, for some individuals there may be a hidden factor that is not addressed that allows them to fall into similar behavior patterns of their youth they are unfamiliar with. And until the loop is broken, they may attract people who purposely hurt them, and internalize the emotional pain that becomes into physical pain. Breaking out of this loop requires talk and body therapy and self awareness of the situation and for some it takes a long time to break the cycle.

Solaresa · 2020-10-13T21:22:35+00:00

Preach.

I have a chronic pain condition as well, and the number of people, both in the community and outside it, who think that means you should be grateful for any scrap of love and affection you get because they are "putting up with" your illness is mind-bogglingly tragic. As though you don't deserve respectful, compassionate love because you have chronic pain or a chronic illness.

Men especially are so quick to compare chronic/lifelong pain to some random pain they once experienced as though they have any kind of useful advice.
"Well, when I sprained my ankle in college, I just did stretches and took Aspirin and worked through the pain..."
Thanks, Dave, your insight is inspirational. Revolutionary. Aspirational, even. I will aim to be more like you while I navigate life in permanent pain.

I am fortunate to have a partner who is loving and supportive and sees my contributions to the world and our relationship, but if I didn't I would be fine. Single is so much better than having to prove your worth and justify your existence every single day.

RiasXgremoryX · 2020-10-13T18:38:39+00:00

I'm childfree, but I was looking at the r/breakingmom sub out of curiosity one day, and I was appalled at how insensitive the some of the husbands are to their wives who have chronic illness/pain.

notthatkindofdoctorb · 2020-10-13T18:11:28+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with pain. It is so frustrating to feel like you have to convince someone of the seriousness of your condition. It's like people who think you can just overcome depression with positive thinking and a little fresh air.

Related to the "trying harder" comment but not nearly as serious, a man once told me that I could tan if I "tried harder." Not only did he think he knew my skin better than I did but he honestly seemed to think that maybe if I just applied myself, I could trick my pale, sunburn-prone skin into getting darker.

tossed_salad100 · 2020-10-15T14:41:21+00:00

I'm not sure if what I have counts as chronic pain, but I do have pain once or twice a week that tires me out and makes me less "fun" to be around. I used to have people in my life that complained, accused me of being dramatic, tried to force me to "power through," tried to police my moderate use of ibuprofen while chugging dangerous amounts themselves for THEIR pain, and just overall minimized and made it all about them.

Those people are either out of my life or have made significant changes to how they respond to my pain.

My boyfriend offers words of sympathy and massages, and otherwise does what he can to make me comfortable. This is a regular occurrence, by the way.

Don't settle.

Title	Chronic Pain and LVMs
Author	imtko
Upvotes	116
Comments	14
Date	October 13, 2020 4:04 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jageno/chronic_pain_and_lvms/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/chronic-pain-and-lvms.320863 https://theredarchive.com/post/320863

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