I was listening to a podcast the other day and came upon the concept of “The Burned Haystack Approach” to dating, popularized by a 50 year old woman getting back into dating online post-divorce. I thought it would be a great discussion to have here as we repeatedly get the question “how do I vet” and also how to effectively use dating apps as part of your dating strategy.

The question we have as women looking for a quality partner is: how do I find a needle in a haystack? Some women approach this by trying to remain causal, cool, not being so strict in what they are looking for, and opening up their options to people you wouldn't normally. This is what is recommended by some of our beloved RPW authors such as Laura Doyle and Lori Gottlieb – to accept dates with men who ask, even if they aren’t your ideal, and see if something grows. To compromise.

The Burned Haystack Approach responds to How do you find a needle in a haystack with the answer: You burn the haystack to the ground. What you are left with is the needle. The 10 rules for this method (focused on online dating apps) is as follows:

  • Rule 1: The app is a tool; it’s not a place to live.
  • Rule 2: Focus on messaging over scrolling/swiping. Messaging is where you’ll find the info. you really need.
  • Rule 3: No notifications.
  • Rule #4 is called “Block to Burn.” Block those you have interacted with but aren’t a match to prevent them reoccurring in your feed.
  • Rule #5: No Fighting with Men.
  • Rule #6: Don’t Be a Pen Pal.
  • Rule #7: Set your geography, but don’t share your location. The intent of this is to avoid men who are looking for an easy hook up with someone physically close to them and therefore "easy." A serious man will be ok putting in a little more effort to see you.
  • Rule #8: No “ludic looping” and no “attractions of deprivation”. Ludic looping refers to the addiction to the gamification on dating apps (the boost you get from a match, endless swiping) and attractions of deprivation is similar to the RPW concept of “abundance mentality”, not getting overly attached to any one match simply because you feel there is no one else out there.
  • Rule #9: No men who can’t plan the date.
  • Rule #10: Treat the process of online dating as a job search, not a takeout order.

You will see some RPW themes in the above rules such as a focus on self-care through protecting yourself from dating burnout or addiction, the idea of keeping an abundance mentality, and giving your time to men who display they can take the lead.

Have you tried any of these approaches? What has worked? What hasn’t?

Links below:

Online dating was hell. Then I tried one thing that turned out to be a total game changer.

10 Rules: Burned Haystack Dating