Fiery, masculine personality problem

Bamfmaiden · 2016-12-23T03:50:12+00:00

You are correct in identifying a bit bit of hatred in the way that you act -- targeting your mother has a bad role model. You are somehow equating being a woman with being weak and passive and manipulative.

There are places to look for role models outside of your family. Take a weekend and hold a binge marathon of 1930s and 1940s movies. You will see so many women on the screen at that time who were proud, strong, intelligent, witty, successful -- and yes gorgeous -- but they were WOMEN. I'm not saying that the only option for us is to be like a movie star but they did set a model that is reasonable for us to think about.

SouthernAthena · 2016-12-23T19:40:57+00:00

I totally had the same problem growing up--thinking women and all things girly were frivolous or inferior. For me this came from my dad having stronger role in my upbringing, and he valued masculine virtues. This led to me hanging out with guys, and I eventually misinterpreted their comments on women (dude she's crazy, ugh it takes her forever to get ready etc) as them thinking women were just a pain and should be more like men. Wrong. Sure there are annoyances, but men have their share too.

I have tried to develop my feminine energy in the last year. (You'll have to ask my SO how I'm doing haha). The first thing I did started with my appearance. I realized that nice looking clothes and hair and makeup (if you want) aren't just silly girl time wasters, but are a big part of people's impression of you. Dressing up and picking out makeup can be fun. Learn to play with these things. A playful attitude is also more feminine.

Another thing I did ASAP was stop cursing. It took some attention, but it was worth it. What kind of demure lady talks like a sailor? Not a one. I had difficulty with this because I think it's part of what makes me funny (shock value), but I can mostly get by without it. ( I still reserve a select few words for when the time arises.)

I also have been practising slowing down in my movements so as to not be so clumsy. Also I've been trying to be more expressive with my emotions--smiling more, letting people know I care, touching people lightly as a warm gesture when talking.

I hope this helps. I'm no expert, just a fellow learner.

Mentathiel · 2016-12-23T18:12:05+00:00

My biggest obstacle is when I get angry or stressed. The masculinity comes out like a beast with fangs. I get very aggressive and dominant, as opposed to assertive.

That's perfectly normal. Being feminine isn't about removing that energy or feeling it differently, humans have much in common including the range of emotions they can feel (although they may experience them differently and put different emphasis on them). The key is to let yourself be vulnerable in those times.

Now, someone mentioned this and more openly called it manipulative and you mentioned you have a moral struggle with that. The struggle is real. I still can't reconcile this 100%. I don't do things I do when I'm vulnerable on purpose. There's simply the level of being open with somebody and close to them at which I do these things automatically, naturally. But that doesn't stop me from feeling bad about causing them undue guilt or things like that. The thing is, morality is a very masculine structure. Society needs morality so it would have a cooperative structure to 1)survive and thrive, 2)let men compete. In fact, cooperation is a necessary element of every competition, aside from physical fighting with murderous intent, and maybe even that to an extent. You have to at least agree to the rules, you have to agree to try to win, you have to agree what are you competing at etc. Aside from the obvious benefit everyone has in better chances for survival, men establish societies in order to compete within them. They also make them hierarchal. Women are competitive, but much less so, since instinctively we know that earning favor of a man doesn't necessitate all other women being unavailable to them, while earning favor from a woman virtually means her limiting herself to you. Because men create hierarchies and we've just began entering them in a very meaningful way (women were hierarchical before, but hierarchies were established through their parents and husbands, not exclusively achievements), we still don't know how to work within them. We started adopting very masculine ideas of morality and they clash severely with our instincts (which is why many women feel very guilty after they discover RPW and also why Blue Pillers think TRP is misogynist and unflattering to women). We agree that we shouldn't be solely pursuing personal interest and compromising things like being strong and supportive (in a masculine sense) in favor of being vulnerable to gain favors and attention and catering to out emotions. We feel that it's not okay, yet we're wired to do this and not only by the virtue of developing such personality. If we don't, we develop alternative behaviors, like your aggression, which are often worse for ourselves and those around us. That's a powerful reason to turn to femininity, it's largely immoral, but for you it is doing better than you're doing right now.

As mentioned, I really struggle with this. I really want to be strong. To describe this, I want to be able to, if my man was lying on his deathbed and had only some short, limited amount of time, I want to be able to not make it about myself. I want to be strong enough to focus on making it the absolute best for him. Yet that requires abandoning vulnerability for the sake of strength, and strength often invites aggression along. I believe there's a very fine line to be found here that you can achieve if you work on yourself really hard, but the first step towards it is admitting that your masculine energy isn't any better. Through aggression, you're also making it solely about yourself and not being empathetic and open, you're just losing out in the end because you don't gain anything from that behavior, so losing in the end makes you feel punished and thus less guilty. If both things are bad, but one earns you something, earning something seems like an unfair reward and provokes guilt, so you opt for the other bad thing to avoid guilt (or proportionally more guilt). But remember that you're opting for the thing that's actually worse for all of the parties involved and that that guilt won't be as intense as it is now when you start practicing this more and striving to become better. Instead of focusing on whatever happened, you focus on how to react even better. On apologizing and making your man feel wanted and understood, despite your troubles. On thinking about why have you ended up in such a sorry state that you require to dissipate energy in some manner and have to choose between to bads and trying to mitigate that in the future. Things like that. Then you'll feel more progress and pride and excitement than guilt. It won't go away, of course, but that doesn't matter, life is tough, learn to deal with it, embrace it, but try and make it better for yourself and let it motivate you to do so.

I'm sure part of my problem is low-key misogyny on my part. I have an awful relationship with my mom, I'm quite ashamed of her shrew-behavior, and I've never had a good role-model for being a woman.

I thought so too in my case, but I don't think it is. That being said, I have a loving mother and a pretty neat relationship with her and I'm about to share my own thoughts now and they may not apply to you, but this is how it is for me.

First of all, I have some masculine interests that purely stem from things I'm naturally good at and have an urge to explore. I initially thought those were just my attempts to "be one of the guys" etc, but while that was an element of it, as I learned about genetic factors in all sorts of things I realized they had much more to do with my natural inclinations. A lot of women don't share those sorts of passions and it's very natural to me to share them with men. Now, that's not a very good idea as a RPW. There are women like you if you fall under this category and you could find them and befriend them. If you can't or won't you'll have to deal with a lot of stress/drama around men because of attraction. Even if you think you're generally not attractive, you're not attractive just to the kinds of men you want and if you're good enough that they stay your friends, there's probably an attraction component, they just might rationally know there's nothing to gain from you. Keeping to your moral principles in both not abusing the power you have over them, not letting yourself loose and doing something you'll regret, not backstabbing and competing with other women for attention of males you don't want as partners etc.

EDIT to note: continued in a reply

rivertorain · 2016-12-23T19:56:12+00:00

Firstly, be grateful for where you are right now and that you have the awareness to see your patterns - most people do not have this in their entire life, especially girls!

As girls, femininity is our default state. Sure, we have masculine elements too, but our default state is femininity.

Deviations away from this default, away from being feminine, are games that we play with ourselves, walls we build, processes that we invent, to avoid pain. Pain jades us, conditions us, makes us put on masks, facades, traits that we take on, just so that we never have to feel it again. We harden ourselves to protect ourselves.

You say that you don't want to wear a mask of femininity. But consider this; that it could be the other way around completely. You are wearing a mask to hide your femininity because it makes you uncomfortable and because you unconsciously believe it's a risk to be who you are by default because at some point in your life, when you were yourself, somebody hurt you, and you incorrectly attached 'being who I am' to the cause of the pain.

So, instead of focusing on being feminine which can seem completely unnatural to someone who feels that they aren't, I'd actually recommend you to flip it around - focus on the things that you do that aren't feminine and put systems in place to stop doing them. At least for me, awareness solves 95% of my problems. It's just the awareness of these things that is the tricky part. I'm on day 134 of daily meditation, if you can find even just 10 minutes, I'd highly recommend you sit with yourself and observe how your mind works. But if meditation is too much of a jump for you, it sounds like you are already pretty aware of some of your patterns and can get started on changing those already.

TL/DR: You are a goddess, you are feminine, by default. Everything else is just one beautiful illusion that you invented to avoid pain.

justanotherusername4 · 2016-12-23T10:40:13+00:00

But after a few fights with my mom, I couldn't recapture that feminine energy

This seems to be key. You apparently equate being feminine with being like your mom, so you reject both.

If you simply copy other women when trying to look for a role model, your femininity won't be authentic and you wouldn't be able to sustain that for very long.

If you want to find your own femininity I can recommend this video by Teal Swan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzYzFxw8AMU

refelgallo · 2016-12-23T17:07:52+00:00

are you seeking to change yourself because you want to change, or because you want to be what you think a boyfriend would want you to be? Reading your post that and the type of guy you're interested in, kind of "jumped out" of the screen. In speaking with my female friends, they have a hard time finding the right type of man. They usually only find boys. I don't know what would be easier, to be more feminine or finding a Dominant male that is comfortable with how masculine you are/can be.

From personal experience, don't change to fit a mold for someone else. I ended up resenting my ex wife, and wasting 6 out of 10 years of my life.

Gardrothard · 2016-12-23T03:25:24+00:00

So how do y'all handle stress and anger like a lady?

Simple. Cry. This way you seem vulnerable and helpless which are the things that give women power. Your boyfriend did something that upset you? Don't nag or yell, just cry. It will work in almost every case, as opposed to being dominant. Of course, I do not recommend this in the workplace (although, vulnerability (sad look, for example) will probably take you further than dominance, especially in male dominated environment).

Another way to deal with things is insinuation and slight manipulation, works better than assertiveness. For example, a few months ago, my boyfriend had an exam that he needed to study for when I was at his place. He was to lazy to start doing it, procrastinating, and he felt bad about being like that. I tired assertiveness, and it didn't work, it just made him feel like it was more of a chore. So I used different approach. His kitchen was a mess, he and his roommate haven't washed the dishes in a week and there wasn't even one clean cup left. Tomorrow he would have to go to the exam and do that afterwards. So I did his dishes because "you are working so hard, honey, you are preparing for your exam and you are stressed, I want to make it easier for you". I go to the kitchen and he's now alone, but he feels guilty that I'm doing it, so he won't just sit there looking at Facebook. He starts studying and passes the exam. I get points for being a great gf. Win win. Worked much better than nagging or pointing out rational reasons.

I'm sure part of my problem is low-key misogyny on my part.

Nailed it, it's what seems to be causing most women to act masculine. Address that.

What can I do to be more of a lady? Who do I look up to, what do I am for, how do I feel like more of a woman?

I suggest you try to fake it at first. Once you start seeing the results you will naturally want to improve on it. Look at the feminine women around you - once you see the power of femininity in them and the change in people's behavior towards you your inner misogyny will die. Practice body language, practice talking and face expressions in front of the mirror. Dress in feminine way. Make up. Use creams (not just because they make your skin look better but because by taking care of yourself and touching your body gently when putting them is a good way to give yourself love).

Willow-girl · 2016-12-23T05:22:34+00:00

You mention your mom, but what was your relationship like with your father? Was he harshly critical of women? Did he reward you for being a "tomboy" but withdraw affection when you behaved girlishly?

Luce_Bree · 2016-12-24T17:33:07+00:00

I don't know if the issue is so much that you have this gigantic mountain to climb in terms of finding your femininity.

Based on what you've written here it looks like you understand what the issue is, and you also know how to tap into that energy, you just aren't used to wielding it yet. You did it before, so you can do it again, and you seem like the kind of person that will stick with something until you've worked it out.

My question is, though: is there any time or space in your life where you feel like you can allow yourself to really be vulnerable--are you able to allow yourself to rely on others, can you allow yourself to be weak?

Also, do you meditate? It sounds like you tend to let your anger/anxiety get the best of you. Maybe checking out The Meditation Podcast or Headspace or something could be a good place to start. Maybe it's already part of your martial arts regimen but it sounds like you could develop some skill in chilling the fuck out (and believe me, I need to take my own advice).

Title	Fiery, masculine personality problem
Author	LadyElesa
Upvotes	22
Comments	26
Date	December 23, 2016 1:31 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5jues3/fiery_masculine_personality_problem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fiery-masculine-personality-problem.86761 https://theredarchive.com/post/86761

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