Is boyfriend embarrassed of me - thoughts?

Cock_Klepto · 2017-10-06T04:38:25+00:00

This may come out a little bit harsh but Your body is a direct reflection of the person you are. You're the only caretaker, not to mention the best suited, to care for yourself. When he subscribed to the relationship it was under certain circumstances which are no longer the case. To say that you're the same person you were inside is wrong, because that person was different enough to keep appearances differently.

There's no shame in reacting in a way that at the time was kind of for self preservation. I was in the same boat as you and went through several years of depression where food was temporary relief for me and made me feel something. The thing is though that when I learned to manage the depression and live again, I realized that the food was a crutch. If you don't need it, why use it?

He used to be proud/happy and want to share you with people, and that should have made you proud as well. There is no reason for it to not be that way again. It's your choice. You can't change the actions that got you here, but you sure as hell can decide your future.

newredpill90 · 2017-10-06T01:17:11+00:00

Welcome to RPW.

He should love you for who you are, but how you look is a big part of who you are, and it's hard for a man to love someone as much when they've gained a lot of weight and not shown any sign of losing it over multiple years.

My question is he is reasonable in asking and saying I need to lose weight right?

That's completely reasonable. He could have just left you over it, but instead, he's giving you an opportunity to fix it.

some friend of mine have said "he is a jerk for saying to lose weight, he should love you for who you are"

Your friends are unrealistic.

The thought that he is or might be embarrassed by me really hurts me

It hurts him too that you've gained as much weight as you have. It's your actions that have gotten the two of you to this point, not his, and you need to be held accountable and stop wanting to give into taking it out on him.

To answer the question in your total: You say that he loved showing you off. He can't show you off now. It's not necessarily that he's embarrassed of you, but there's nothing to show off at this point from his perspective. That's not an unreasonable perspective to have considering he thought he was getting one thing and has been left with something completely different.

The good news: He's stuck with you through this, and he obviously cares a lot about you. You should take this as a good sign that you should get things back on the right track with your weight instead of seeing it as something along the lines that he'll just keep putting up with it indefinitely.

pinkdrawings · 2017-10-06T01:51:06+00:00

Welcome to RPW. I'm sorry you're joining us under such bad circumstances.

My question is he is reasonable in asking and saying I need to lose weight right? like he is not being a jerk or is he?

He is being completely reasonable. If he wanted to date a fat girl - he would have asked out a fat girl. Instead - he asked out you (someone who was thin). Guys are visual creatures. They (generally) like thin women who dress well and are a healthy weight.

Get yourself to therapy to handle the depression & start going back to the gym. Working out helps a lot of people lose weight.

Otherwise - you might lose him instead of the weight.

HB3234 · 2017-10-06T01:56:05+00:00

None of what I write below should be interpreted as "don't lose weight". If you are so overweight that you can't be on top in bed and are finding other activities hindered, you need to get fit. It is obviously a problem for your boyfriend. There are tons of nutrition, exercise, weight loss, meal planning, and motivation subs on here, so I won't give random advice about it that may not be helpful to your particular situation.

That being said, are you sure it is your weight that's changed his behavior about going out? If you've been dealing with depressive episodes, is your behavior communicating you'd rather stay indoors and isolate? Many people with depression do this almost instinctively. It may be that because you sent a message that you didn't want to go out- by repeated instances of moping, or being surly, or not presenting yourself appropriately, or being totally drained afterwards, or any host of things- that he took the hint.

Glennus626 · 2017-10-06T02:54:45+00:00

You already know the answer. People get fat because they lie to themselves by telling themselves it's ok to not control what they eat, that it's ok skip the gym or take a car to the store instead of walking. They also tend to surround themselves with enablers who reinforce their bad eating habits i.e. your friend.

The truth is it's not just about appearances, although that is a big part of a couple's chemistry. It's about your health in general. There is hard science out there that shows you will absolutely shave years off your life by being obese. He may also want to have kids with you, but if you're obese, how can that happen? How will you raise a kid to live a healthy lifestyle?

Lose the weight for him, but more importantly do it for you. Your life literally depends on it.

Gardrothard · 2017-10-07T07:16:29+00:00

Imagine buying a house. You like how it looks, the location is fine, etc and you decide to sign the contract. Obviously, you don't expect it to look the same after 20 years, but if after 3 years the roof came off or walls started to break down you'd be mad, you would say "This is not what I signed up for".

Every relationship's early stage is basically negotiation of conditions, if a guy decided to be with you he did it because of the things you were offering at that time. If you remove these then it's not fair to call him a jerk for having a problem with it.

[deleted] · 2017-10-07T15:47:05+00:00

You bait and switched him. You know who he was attracted to when you met and you're not just that person, but five years older. You look completely different, now. Attraction is important, especially when you're young and the most sexual you'll ever be. It's not unfair for him to want that back. You should want that back, too. You're never going to be this young and potentially gorgeous again. Don't miss out on that.

As far as him being embarrassed goes, if you're big enough that you can't be on top and you used to be fit, then yes. He's probably embarrassed and I'm sorry that hurts you. It probably doesn't make him feel good either.

LateralThinker13 · 2017-10-06T18:35:30+00:00

Men are visual. If you let yourself go, you are actively making him want you less on a visceral level. Your weight is an obstacle to physical intimacy. And if there's less physical intimacy, there's less emotional intimacy.

Get your depression squared and lose the weight. He in all likelihood hasn't stopped providing for you; why are you stopping providing for HIM?

Also, do you want him to be proud to have an attractive woman on his arm? Or ashamed?

TL;DR: No, he's not being a jerk. You both have to do your part.

lidlredridinghood · 2017-10-08T14:35:08+00:00

Attraction isn't voluntary. Its different than loving someone.... But i can love someone and never want to see them again. At least he's being honest.

Figure out how to make your body feel good, through eating and exercise. Like, actually feel your body and experience the changes a meal or a walk make.

I totally get using food as a crutch... I'm sill learning other coping skills. But intuitive eating is the only way I've found to help myself learn new habits. Choosing an arbitrary diet because I know it's "healthy" just pushed me into stress and mood eating more... With guilt that my captain deserved a partner who ate in a healthy way, that created more binge eating.

Exist in your body. Witness where you are, and do things to make it function better on a daily basis... Because it feels good to function better.

[deleted] · 2017-10-10T09:33:08+00:00

Lose weight, put in effort. See a therapist if you're depressed. Don't hit at your BF that you need to lose weight, just do it. I'm not really sure why it's something you needed to hint at him, what was the purpose of that? It's your responsibility to pull your weight in a relationship and that includes taking care of your physical appearance.

"he is a jerk for saying to lose weight, he should love you for who you are"

this is some sjw BS. When I started dating my BF, I was 5'9" and 125 lbs. My bf liked that I was slender, while still being curvy. And I've straight up asked him before if he would stay with me if I gained 50 lbs and he said no. And I didn't think that was offensive or surprisingly really. I wouldn't stay with someone who let themselves go and did nothing about it. He isn't being unreasonable. He is telling you he doesn't find your extra weight attractive. Do you not want him to find you attractive?

Whisper · 2017-10-07T07:34:12+00:00

So, let's get this laid out straight:

You took care of yourself and looked nice when you attracted him.
But once you had him, you let yourself go.
It bothers you that he might be embarrassed by you.
But it didn't, and doesn't, bother you that he might be unhappy.
And you are wondering whether or not he is a jerk.

... is that about right?

EmeraldEagle88 · 2017-10-08T19:07:04+00:00

This is too wonderful a post not to respond to.

Ok, this is going to sound flagrantly misogynistic iow exactly what you need to hear, but I've always been of the belief that the best advice tends to be a clear articulation of what you already know to be true. With that in mind, the purpose of this post is indeed constructive and I want you to turn this around so you can improve yourself and your relationship, but it's not about validating your feelings and insecurities (white-knighting).

First off, let's look at the balance sheet of attraction.

Women want men to be (in no particular order): Assertive Confident Strong Ambitious Tall Fit Interesting Handsome High social status Money Intelligence Good style Yada Yada Yada

These are traits you expect from men to even be considered for a romantic relationship, with some leeway here and there depending on personal preference.

What men want: Looks Good personality - To quote American Psycho: A good personality consists of a chick with a little hard body who will satisfy all sexual demands without being too slutty about things, and is essentially smart enough to keep her dumb fucking mouth shut.

By failing to uphold your end of the balance sheet, you basically scored 10% out of 100. Now think about this, would you spend any of your time, resources, emotional investment on any guy who failed 90% of your criteria? The issue is not whether he is a jerk. He has done far more for you than what you deserve imo. The issue is whether or not you love him enough to fulfill your purpose (more on this later).

Hard truth. You as a person that people should "love you for who you are" claptrap is NEVER going to be as interesting as how you can please a man. In answer to your post question, yes, he is embarrassed to be seen with you. Men size each other up when jockeying for position, and one of the things we do is see what quality tail the other guys can pull. The guy who can pull the highest quality (beautiful) tail is high up on the totem pole. You want an alpha male? Become an alpha female. How do you become an alpha female? Be beautiful. By not fulfilling your end you are socially ruining his chances to become more attractive to you.

Men are motivated and inspired by beauty. It's what we lack and it's what you bring to the table. Your purpose is to bring beauty and life to a man's world. This manifests itself in how you cook, clean, gentle disposition, bare children, and yes, your physical appearance. We're not asking a lot here. Failure to do so will cause him to lose ambition, drive, and all those things that attracted you to him in the first place. YOU'RE LETTING HIM DOWN! Him telling you to lose weight wasn't him being a jerk, it was a cry for help. He will lose his motivation and zeal for life if you keep going this route. That's the effect you're having on him now. Being beautiful for your man will uplift his spirits and bring out the best in him. Don't you want to be beautiful for your man?

Closing remark: You had a convo with him about what you want to see improve in each other. Only thing he wanted is for you to drop the weight. Since I doubt the entire convo was about you being fat, am I to assume that you had more than one thing you would like to see improve in him? And you're gonna bitch to all your friends about a grand total of 1 thing he wants from you, and after all that he's done for you (undeservingly) in spite of you sabotaging him? Get some self-awareness and don't throw stones in glass houses. Find out whatever is holding you back as far as your insecurities are concerned, reframe your mind, and go back at life with this new purpose and understanding how you are a part of something greater than yourself, and so is he. I would go so far as to say that working toward and contributing to something more important than just yourself as an individual is the cure for depression. I'll leave by saying you have it in you to do this. Let your purpose be your guide, and cut off anyone who would discourage you from improving yourself and ultimately fulfilling your purpose. They are sabotaging you.

mrpthrowa · 2017-10-09T11:50:10+00:00

"he is a jerk for saying to lose weight, he should love you for who you are"

Blue pill crap. Encourage men to lie.

He committed to old slim you, you got fat, he wants you to lose the fat and is less enthusiastic about showing you off. He showed you off when you weren't fat.

Lose the fat.

Sorry, well I'm really not, that this is crude. Girls, get it already. You want men who get it, but you don't want to get it when men flash it with big red letters in your faces.

Sigma-42 · 2017-10-06T16:26:09+00:00

Boyfriend aside: work on yourself, for yourself.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2017-10-06T22:16:00+00:00

Ultimately, I think the answer to this question depends on how much you weigh. If you were at, say BMI of 20-24 or even 25, I'd say it's bad that he is wrong to say anything and maybe gaslighting or begging you. But you've got to be pretty hefty to not be able to be on top. At that point, you're lucky to have a man who is being honest with you.

Hit the gym and you'll probably find that your depression lifts a bit on top of the weight loss. Also, double check to make sure you don't have any medical conditions that might be contributing. (I gained some weight and developed some depression/anxiety, and it turned out that I had a hard-to-diagnose thyroid problem.)

And hope that in a year, when you're feeling confident and wanting to go out, he'll be excited to show you off and thanking his lucky stars he stuck with you through a rough couple years.

Title	Is boyfriend embarrassed of me - thoughts?
Author	newredpill90
Upvotes	33
Comments	33
Date	October 6, 2017 12:53 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/74kb4e/is_boyfriend_embarrassed_of_me_thoughts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-boyfriend-embarrassed-of-me-thoughts.2691 https://theredarchive.com/post/2691

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