I hate this regret so much

WildTenderness · 2019-12-08T19:19:05+00:00

Another thing to keep in mind is that if you had not slept with your ex, you would be somewhere else in life. It is very likely you would never have met your current boyfriend if not for your previous actions. Don't be too hard on yourself <3 you did what you thought was right in the moment, even if it feels like a mistake.

icanbingsu · 2019-12-08T17:09:10+00:00

What’s done is done so it’s time to forgive yourself. I think your putting undue pressure on yourself by comparing yourself to your current boyfriend’s ex; her losing her virginity to him. The fact of the matter is that you’ve already put him on a pedestal and anything can happen. I sincerely wish you the best in this relationship, of course, and hope he’s the one. But for now, you need to focus on yourself and accepting what has happened and coming to terms with it so that if this is the last person you date, you don’t cause any unnecessary issues. He’s clearly fine with it and doesn’t think less of you. Deal with your concepts of virginity and accept that you’re not a bad person nor have you failed at anything. 27 is a long time and even though you are feeling some shame now, I hope you’ll come to accept and appreciate how long you held out. You’re going to be ok.

ShootingDanks · 2019-12-08T21:19:57+00:00

I was stupidly head over heels in love with him even though he treated me badly, I was oblivious.

It sounds as though this experience taught you some important lessons about life and allowed you to recognize what you have in your current partner.

After we broke up (shortly after) I started sleeping with a colleague who basically just saw me as sex.

This is unfortunate. Have you examined the underlying motivation behind this decision? Did you want to somehow "overwrite" the memory of the first lover? Did you feel as though you've already done the deed, so you've already messed up and it didn't matter what you did anymore? Was it just sex for you too, or were you in love? Understanding your actions might give you the clarity you need to lay things to rest.

I was always a person who wanted to save my virginity till marriage

The red pill means facing reality, even if it sucks, then making the best of things. Your plan didn't quite work out, but what's done is done. How can you ensure that the you that you are now will make better choices than past you?

I’ve robbed my now amazing boyfriend the chance to have been my one & only.

You're using very emotionally loaded language, which won't help to soothe your mind. You're framing your life choices in rather disastrous terms. From my perspective, you made some poor choices growing up, but now that you know better, you try to do better. You've grown as a result of your experiences and you have more clarity about what you want from a partner and what you can offer your partner in return.

What I really struggle with is the fact that I was drunk & I always wonder would I have done it if I were sober & that if I had only waited one more year I’d have been able to only be with my current amazing boyfriend.

How about living in the moment and actually appreciating your amazing boyfriend, instead of struggling with "what ifs"? If I had been born to a different family, I might have been married to a Greek shipping tycoon and sunning myself on the deck of a yacht right now. Is it worth even a minute of my time fretting about this? Of course not. Not to belittle your thoughts, but pondering what could have been if you hadn't been drunk is as useful as me pining after that yacht.

I try to be kind and forgive myself but I hate the fact I went against my biggest moral and something that was so important to me.

Nobody lives a perfect life without making mistakes. The trick is to make different ones next time and not repeat the same ones. I figure that as long as everyone involved is still alive and you're not in jail, you're still coming out ahead.

I also struggle with the fact my current boyfriends ex lost her virginity to him & I’ll never be able to do the same for him.

There will always be someone better/smarter/prettier/more amazing than you out there. She's an ex. He's with you. This "losing virginity/one and only" stuff is a bit juvenile, no? That ship has sailed. What are you bringing to the table now, as a mature and experienced adult?

I don't mean to be harsh. I totally get where you're coming from. My husband married his first wife and took her virginity on their wedding night. She gave birth, to a son, nine months later and apparently was a "trooper", who delivered the baby while looking like an angel, with nary a whimper.

Can you imagine how much pressure I could feel if I "struggled" with coming to terms with his perfect experience of childbirth? If I told you that I am anxious about having him in the delivery room, because I don't think I could give him the gift of a trauma-free labour and delivery, what would you say to me?

I hope it'll be something along the lines of "he's your husband and he loves you and wants you and the baby to be okay. He's not going to be comparing you to his ex and their experience from two decades ago."

So, from me to you, your boyfriend loves you and wants to make love with you and it's unlikely that, while this is going down, he's thinking "man, you know what I really would have liked from her? Complete inexperience and an intact hymen!"

Let it go now and make sound choices from now on.

Kara__El · 2019-12-08T16:47:06+00:00

At 27, I'd only been with one person, in literally every sense. It was kind of awkward, when my husband and I started getting physical. I think you're seeing virgin status through rose colored glasses. Regardless, two isn't that high of a number, nor is three, counting the new boyfriend. As long as you didn't rack up double digits, I really think you're overemphasizing this.

redaloevera · 2019-12-08T22:58:25+00:00

Your intention for wanting to give him your virginity and everything else is more than enough. Because you have been through those experiences that you can cherish what you have now.

HumectantMenace · 2019-12-08T20:43:56+00:00

There is a difference between someone who is promiscuous that sleeps around, and someone who had had sex with one or two partners in less mature phases of their lives.

CCloudds · 2019-12-09T14:20:28+00:00

Learn and never repeat. Don't have sex before marriage. I did the same mistake regretted . I have been celibate for 3 years. I am happy band my boyfriend doesn't care. I told him point blank if you want this than put a ring on it and sign the marriage certificate. It's not about sex for me. I just want to be valued for my other qualities first. I want to marry a man who doesn't give into lust.

duckduckgoit · 2019-12-08T16:37:40+00:00

It’s not that big of a deal. Your first love doesn’t matter, only your last love matters.

RaymondReddington96 · 2019-12-08T20:25:41+00:00

I am the product of my mistakes. And as far as regrets and things I wish I would have done differently, of course…hindsight is twenty-twenty and looking back…of course, who wouldn’t take another go at something? And then approved on the first try by doing it again. And then why not do it again and again and again? And why just not do it over and over again until you have it perfect?

But the fact is you don’t get that chance. You get one shot at this gig right here - life. One life, that’s all you’ve got and regret in and of itself is worthless it does nothing for you. In fact, the only valuable thing in regret is the lesson you learned. The knowledge that you gained. But walking around filled with regret gets you nothing. So…learn and move on. Don’t let regret beat you down, don’t be a slave to regret. No. Let it teach you, let it make you better. Let the fear of regret fuel you to take action. Today. Now. To become a better person. Not filled with regret, but filled with knowledge.

acceptable_runx · 2019-12-08T22:27:46+00:00

I understand how you feel. I also wish I had taken good care of myself back then and have my husband as my first and only one. When I tell my husband this is how i feel he says he feels the same way. Maybe try going to therapy because you still feel bad over how you lost your virginity and honestly you weren’t on your full senses to provide consent and neither was your partner at that time. What worked for me was Talking about it. So try talk about how you feel as well with your current partner and see if thats helpful. And by the way men view sex very differently than women so beating yourself down about him taking his ex virginity is not helping your case. My hubby has told me about his exes and hook ups and it means nothing to him at this point.

TranslatedSky · 2019-12-09T05:09:58+00:00

Hi love, you just described the exact situation I was in, except the guy I lost my virginity to cheated on me and the next guy I slept with was solely for the purpose for me to detach sex with how important it meant to me. I completely relate to the despair you feel from breaking your morals, and even though it’s been a few years and I’ve been through nun mode, it’s something that still makes me sad from time to time.

One thing that helps me is that you have to remember it was your first relationship, you couldn’t have seen it coming nor did you have a history to learn from. How many people in their lives have a perfect relationship and lose their virginity to someone they love on their first try? Now you do, so you know how to vet better, as well as be a woman that has more value than sex which you probably also unconsciously associate yourself with.

I really advise you to go to therapy, because not everyone (especially modern women friends these days) understand how much sex and your values mean to you. You need to talk about it and minimize if not eradicate the fears/pain you have for moving forward.

Now I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 4 months and haven’t had sex because I’m still vetting. I’m scared because this would be number 3. But ultimately, it is all out of our control, babe. I’ve seen girls with a n count of 10 change themselves and land a good guy. Not encouraged, but ya. Hugs to you and you’re not alone. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Remember, no one taught you this and you had to learn it yourself.

nezavisimaya · 2019-12-10T10:59:24+00:00

Your BF isn't a virgin either. Why doesn't that bother you as much as you having had engaged in the oh so atrocious act of consensual sex before?

xacezz · 2019-12-08T16:48:47+00:00

Maybe you should speak to your current boyfriend about it? We all know that nothing can be done about the past we can only change how we perceive it. With enough support from your current boyfriend and actively trying to move on, you will just learn from your regrets and hopefully it wouldn’t affect you as much as time goes on.

Greenveins · 2019-12-08T22:53:45+00:00

Doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never going to come back. You should be focusing this energy in things you can do to make his, and your life better. Being a virgin means nothing, it's all about how you treat someone in a relationship

[deleted] · 2019-12-08T20:09:14+00:00

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[deleted] · 2019-12-08T21:26:46+00:00

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Sobinia · 2019-12-09T07:49:58+00:00

You can't change the past, but you can influence the present. Remain loyal towards your boyfriend. The fact that you've been with another man most likely isn't much of a concern to him - if it was, he wouldn't be with you now. Also, women can usually pair bond with the first five men they sleep with, so you're good to go :)

sd4c · 2019-12-09T12:31:47+00:00

Give him something you didn't give to the other guys: kids. It means a lot to us guys, not as much as the v-card, but a close second!

Rispy_Girl · 2019-12-09T13:42:49+00:00

There are do many great responses addressing most of this post. I'll just add in a small tidbit. If it's a big hangup you could have the procedure to repair your hymen, so you can "lose your virginity" again. If it's documented that you're really stressed mentally about it maybe insurance would cover part of it. I believe some will cover dysmorphia issues.

Redpiller77 · 2019-12-10T06:36:09+00:00

You're fine. Even if he prefers low n-count women, I think most men would mind a n-count of >10, much less 3, unless he's super religious or a virgin himself. In the words of the great Buddha: "You gotta let that shit go".

Banincoming · 2019-12-08T16:54:48+00:00

Strange responses here for RPW. I'd expect to see something along the lines of "It would have been better as pair bonding is important, but it's not the end of the world". But instead it's a blue pill response that it's fine to sleep with the whole town before Mr. Right, another saying you need to become a nun or you're going to hell.

RiskyRants · 2019-12-08T16:42:59+00:00

This is largely why the bible also warns us against getting drunk and being in lustful relationships.

But you're essentially saying you're stilk attached to your ex. Otherwise, you'd see no issue here. You feel like you can't give your current bf all your heart because you still have feelings for the ex. This is where the regret stems from.

Your only chance is to pursue a God ordained marriage and allow God to purge you of all toxic soul ties and impurities. Otherwise, you'll always have imbalanced relationships.

rockone4agoodtime · 2019-12-09T07:02:51+00:00

Then give home something no other woman has given him... a threesome.

Title	I hate this regret so much
Author	acceptable_runx
Upvotes	50
Comments	58
Date	December 8, 2019 4:33 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/e7vs3l/i_hate_this_regret_so_much/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-hate-this-regret-so-much.298351 https://theredarchive.com/post/298351

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