“A HVM is commitment- and marriage-minded.”

“Only HVM are willing to step up to take care of you by protecting and providing.”

“He isn’t a HVM if he goes 50/50.”

“A HVM prioritizes his woman.”

I’ve been seeing sentiments like this around here a lot lately. While they seem pretty in line with traditional relationships where the man leads, there is one BIG pitfall with this mindset.

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First, let’s discuss what a HVM even is.

If we just look at the words, a High Value Man has to be a man worth high value. Does this mean he has to have a lot of wealth? Or that he’s highly coveted by other women in the sexual/dating marketplace? Or do we take the word “value” to mean morals and character?

While the general consensus does have something to do with his resources, demand, and character, an individual’s definition of a HVM is gonna be pretty different on a case-by-case basis and will vary in her stances/expectations on these three things. A bohemian woman might see a zen yoga instructor who’s done a lot of work building his community as a HVM, but a woman who works in finance looking for a hardworking superstar on Wall Street with an assertive and pragmatic outlook will probably not. A Christian woman may fawn over the God-fearing pious man with little to no sexual and dating experience, but an atheist sorority sister going to school in a liberal state might pass on him for the exciting student body president who has a strong network and vibrant social life (and extensive sexual history).

I firmly believe that all these women and everyone in between could benefit from RPW strategies. From my observations, the common link between these seemingly disparate kinds of men are the desirable masculine behavioral traits responsible for the success they found in their different lifestyles. While we may not all love the yogi, we do admire stoicism and a mastery of emotional control. While some might think the finance bro is a douchebag, we can all appreciate passion, drive/dedication, and cleverness. While we may not share the same beliefs as the Christian man, we do respect men who are unwavering what they believe in. And while we might not necessarily be interested in the student body president, we are drawn to those with strong leadership skills and magnetic personas.

(Some food for thought: what are some other desirable masculine behavioral traits that the vast majority of women look for in a man?)

That’s how we all want different types of men, but still have SOME shared understanding of what a HVM is. At the end of the day, a HVM for the intents and purposes of YOUR RPW journey is simply a man with DESIRABLE MASCULINE BEHAVIORAL TRAITS that manifest in a way that fits your goals, lifestyle, morals, and preferences.

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So now that we know what a HVM is, let’s break down why those sentiments I mentioned earlier are fallacious and unproductive.

What do all those statements, and anything else along those lines, have in common with each other? They all place the onus on the HVM to do something that would benefit YOU. Why is this a bad thing? Isn’t RPW all about finding men who have a protective instinct towards you? Hunting down a man who wants to take care of you?

Kind of.

Yes, we absolutely want men to protect and provide for us, to lead us through times of hardship and prosperity. But trying to find a man who’s automatically ready to protect and and provide for you? Who’s chivalrous and caring from the get go? With that definition, we’re not looking for a man’s desirable masculine behavioral traits anymore. The definition of a HVM from those statements at the top of this post is more akin to a Buzzfeed listicle of what constitutes a “real man” (i.e. a man who does stuff that I want him to do for my benefit) than it is RPW strategy. With that mentality, you might as well add “HVM don’t care about your n-count” or “only HVM are willing to step up and become a step-father.” You’re more likely to end up single and alone with that list of demands that solely benefit you if you don’t put in any work to make those demands into a reality.

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So how do you create committed relationships with men who have a protective instinct for you? With men that want to prioritize you and provide for you? You have to inspire him to want to commit, protect, prioritize, and provide. This means that you don’t go looking for men with innately chivalrous or protective or providing tendencies, but that the onus is on YOU to inspire commitment, protection, prioritization, and provision from an HVM (aka a man who shows desirable masculine behavioral traits that manifest in a way that fits your goals, lifestyle, morals, and preferences).

How do you do this?

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“But what if I want a man whose morals dictate that he’s marriage-minded and that he’s chivalrous and that he protects and provides? Don’t such men exist?”

Sure they do (though they’re rarer by the day). Some men were raised to always pay the bills, whether it’s at the restaurant or for your house. Religious ones are actively looking for wives. Other men will choose to go to war or sacrifice their spot on the rescue boat simply because they believe that women and children need to be protected and prioritized.

If you’re tradcon or religious, you’ll probably be looking for these men anyways even though I told you not to, and in your circles, you might even find him! However, here’s why you should work to inspire his commitment, protection, provisioning, and prioritization anyways: even though the sky would fall before these men stop picking up the bill or start thinking with an every-man-and-woman-for-themselves attitude, they still respond to a lack of feminine inspiration like all other men would - with resentment and contempt.

So sure, he’ll continue to do all the things on your list of demands simply because he was raised that way. But you’re gonna have to deal with a lot more fights, conflict, anger, and hostility from him because of your lack of effort and refusal to hold up your feminine end of the bargain. Continuing down this path is a surefire way to end up divorced or in a loveless marriage.

So if you MUST include this strategy of finding men whose morals make them protective of women, DON’T lead with it. Instead, focus on the work YOU need to be doing to inspire him to stand by those morals. Wouldn’t you rather he WANTED to do those things for you instead of feeling burdened or obligated to, by inspiring him with your girl game?

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TLDR: The term “HVM” doesn’t mean “a guy who does things for your benefit” - it means a man who has desirable masculine behavioral traits that manifest in ways compatible with your goals, lifestyle, morals, and preferences. Knowing that, working to inspire a HVM’s commitment, protection, prioritization, and provisions is the best way to get those things, and more importantly, to keep your HVM.