Good Afternoon,

​

Sidebar Status: First off, I have only scratched the surface and am working through the sidebar as quickly as I can. In the middle of NMMNG, WISNIFG, and MAP. Reading posts, working on frame, DEER, lifting, and STFU. Just discovered MRP 2 weeks ago.

Stats: 5'10, 155 lbs. Literally signed up for a gym on Friday, upper body was yesterday. BP: 145lbs - Lat Pulldown - 100 lbs, doing squats and more advanced work like power cleans soon. At the moment I do cardio on the daily with bodyweight exercises (pushups, sit-ups). Just tested by Testosterone levels and I'm at 932 ng/ml.

Context: Married 5 years, known for 7. Me: 35m Her: 38f. Two kids - Stepson is 9, son is 3. We both work in high-demand specialty fields and pretty much maintain a 9-5 schedule. Before issues this wasn't a problem at all. She's at 100k/year, I'm at 150k/year.

Background: Her Dad died when she was 12 so there's definitely some issues with that. She's a 'strong, independent, feminist' woman. She has been married once, in another LTR (from which stepson was born) and with me.

I was fairly into the party scene in my 20s (MDMA, shrooms, LSD, DMT, etc.) Quit the party scene and decided to get my shit together. I got sober off booze and have been clean since the first year we got together. I quit cigarettes a year or two after that. I finally kicked my long standing weed habit 6 months ago. She drinks sparsely, still smokes cigarettes, and doesn't smoke weed at all.

Typical story - relationship was fantastic in the beginning, lots of heavy BDSM in the bedroom with a locked trunk to contain all of our equipment. Sex was 3 times/week and always passionate and involved.

When son was born 3 years ago, things started going downhill quickly. Looking back on it, it's fairly obvious she had (still has?) some post-partum depression that's been left unaddressed. Her depression manifests as anger - and nothing else. I went off the rails with my weed smoking and ramped it up to daily. I fully take ownership of the fact while I wasn't a drunk captain, I was a captain that was high as fuck and checked the fuck out. I was a beta and let her steamroll all over me when what she obviously needed was leadership. I handed over the keys to our finances and let her take care of what I should have taken care of (chores, yard work, etc.). She quickly began resenting me for it (who wouldn't?).

Our relationship began to deteriorate, more fights - less sex, more talking, less love. It all came to a head in August 2020 - we had been fighting fairly frequently and had a huge blowout. I yelled at her (which I hadn't done up until that point) and she completely lost her mind. Said that I made the kids feel 'unsafe' and I needed to get my shit together. All sex and affection was cut off from that point on - she told me she felt she was forced to choose between her husband and her sons and her sons would win every time.

I got my ass into therapy and it has been the single most useful thing I've done up until this point. I have been doing really well in my field, got promoted to leadership, and am now making 60k more annually than I was when we met. I have been leaning heavily on books like 'Extreme Ownership' by Jocko Willink, 'The Dichotomy of Leadership' by Jocko Willink, and 'Can't Hurt Me' by David Goggins - the techniques and tactics described in these books have helped immensely with my career.

I stepped it up at home as well - and finally in November kicked weed. Once I did that, things just got better. I was a more present Dad, a better employee and leader, and starting to take on more around the house. Still a complete Beta though - she ran the show and I was just along for the ride. Our relationship continued to get worse. Sex dropped to starfish sex once a month (if that) and probably the lowest point of our marriage as a whole.

I started reading everything I could about relationships - started with Gottman and eventually over to r/DeadBedrooms and r/relationship_advice when I couldn't figure out how I was doing gangbusters elsewhere but still coming up short in my marriage. I developed new hobbies (built a gaming computer, started biking, started woodworking). But along with that I was seeking her validation the whole time (mommy, look what I did!).

Married Red Pill - Discovery and Current Status This is when I discovered MRP. It was like looking in a mirror and finding out what was really happening. It all made sense now - my lack of leadership and ownership at home had led her to take on the role of 'Captain'. Her lack of male leadership in her younger years led her to overcompensate and try to be 'one of the guys'. Our arguments prior to my discovery were fierce and combative. She screamed at me 'I want a divorce!' while we were assembling the loft bed (that I built for our son) on his birthday. So, I researched the laws in our state and came back later that night saying that I can't make her love me so here's what I want: 50/50 custody, 50/50 asset split, and cleaning up finances so I could purchase a home close by. She was upset that I had researched and called her bluff. We agreed to cool down and she gave me the 'let's just be friends' (I need space) line for 6 months to 1 year.

We are at a place where she wants no affection at all and if I try she gets 'slappy' and angry. With that, I started implementing MRP tactics and completely went Rambo. I got several house projects complete in the last 2 weeks. I joined a gym and started lifting (yesterday) and started reading up on STFU, DEER, and building my frame.

I know my SMV is enough where I could jump on TinBumbMingle and pull pussy if I wanted to. However, a man keeps his word and my vows meant something to me so I'm going for the long game here to see what I can make work - for myself first and if she happens to jump onboard then that's cool too.

She has been relentless with shit tests. Active disrespect and passive aggressive behavior. I've been AA and AM as best I can but mostly just starting with STFU. This has worked remarkably well and her hamster wheel is going absolutely bonkers. I've been showing that behavior does not get rewarded. I either work on house projects, play with the kids, or go to the gym when she actively chooses to nag, berate, or try and be negative about my change of mindset.

Questions But I'm in uncharted territory here and as I'm reading as fast as I can I would like to ask for help in determining the following:

  • She wants space and if I try to initiate any physical contact she recoils. Trying to read up as fast as possible on kino and game.
    • Any advice here? Just go for it? Read first, then try? I don't want to be in a situation where she claims 'non-consent' or something along those lines.
  • Working on building my frame. Understanding the only person I need validation from is me. Not looking for any praise from my wife or any sort of 'mommy, look what I did' mentality. All the projects, hobbies, and career success have been for me. I have established OI - cool if we stay together if her behavior improves but cool if we divorce if it doesn't.
    • Besides STFU, how do I continue to work on AM/AA and determine what's a shit test vs. what's a comfort test? What are the best sidebar resources to quickly consume advice on those particular points?
  • She told me she needs space for 6-12 months. I'm game to try and take her along on this journey in that time-frame.
    • I don't think that's enough time to effectively implement MRP in full - any things I should prioritize? At the end of the day, again, this is OI - however, financially and up until 3 years ago relationship wise things were beneficial when we are together.

I understand that this is up to me - no internet warriors can tell me what to do. Given I'm so new to the program I expect fully to get the feedback I need to hear.