Any other 18-22 year olds scared of marriage?

mayonesa · 2012-08-31T06:53:12+00:00

"Scared" is not even the right word. I think marriage is completely off the table. Maybe it is a possible (albeit dangerous) option if you never plan to have children. But divorce is not tolerable if children are involved. I don't see how people go on after their relationship with their children is wrecked. What if she moves across the country? Of course there is the very real possibility of paying 75%+ of your income in child support or being jailed for inability to play. False DV and rape charges are common.

No one can be trusted to not fuck over the person they just divorced in american society. Not when all of society is encouraging them to fuck their ex over and they stand to gain massively from abusing their former partner.

C0CKPUNCHER · 2012-08-31T06:41:20+00:00

My view on marriage is one of apathy rather than fear. I have watched almost every marriage around me dissolve, usually just because the couple got tired of each other (even after they had a child together). I used to be surprised to find out coworkers had been divorced, but now I don't even bat an eye. Some are even coming out of their second and third, and these are people in their early to mid 20's.

I've lost all faith in the institution of marriage as a whole; it's pointless when it can be enacted and dissolved at a whim. Couple that with the risks involved and I cant say I would ever want to marry.

2012-08-31T07:28:08+00:00

As a much older man you should be terrified if things don't work out. When I was a young man it wasn't quite the tilted playing field that it is now against fathers. You better be really solid or have a hell of an exit strategy if your going to get married and especially if your going to have kids. Just assume that what's hers is hers and what's yours is half hers or more.

Sacoud · 2012-08-31T08:18:45+00:00

I just don't see the point of getting married. Not only do I not get many benefits but I could lose everything I have and my whole life could be ruined.

Kozbot · 2012-08-31T13:16:55+00:00

My parents are currently getting divorced right now after 25 years of marraige. My father works in the family business since he was 16, put my siblings and I through private school and college, and have showered us in countless material gifts. My mother just up and decides to divorce him, kicking him out of the house and destroying our families wealth. Granted they never had a functioning marriage but holy shit this had made me seriously rethink getting married.

mellymelz89 · 2012-08-31T12:17:38+00:00

Marriage as an institution is dead and gone. The horse has long bolted. Once upon a time it meant something, but now it's just a "fad" for people to go through. Nobody wants to stick it through anymore.

Any sensible person would HAVE to consider the 50% dissolution rate of marriages (mean 8 years), whereupon the assets (often the mans) are divided in half.

Regardless of it's origins, I think marriage was good for society. As a child I once aspired to it. But today's marriage isn't the same as marriage 50+ years ago. I don't know what happened to it.

Absolutely no desire to get married here. Not even to cohabitate long enough for "common law marriage". God knows how much blood, sweat and tears it took me to get where I am emotionally and financially, and there's no way I'm gambling it off on someone with those odds.

ss_camaro · 2012-08-31T12:30:40+00:00

You should be absolutely terrified, act accordingly AND educate your fellow blue-pill man. If you need more red pills, go here.

2012-08-31T16:12:29+00:00

It's nearly always women who want to get married and then nearly always the women who want to get divorced. The men just pay for both!

AvgGuy101 · 2012-08-31T10:06:46+00:00

Take it from an older guy who has been there and done that, any young male in western society should be extremely wary of marriage 2.0. Just ask yourself "how do I benefit from this arrangement?"

The divorce rate in the US has remained around 50% for the last 30 to 40 years and roughly 70% of these divorces are initiated by the wive, so most people probably have a male relative or friend who has been through the so-called "family court" system. How did it work out for them? If they had children, did their former spouse and the court system value their time and relationship with their children or did they treat them like a walking ATM?

Sorry, but I have lived through this nonsense and it almost ruined my life and my relationship with my child so these statistics aren't just numbers to me. So I just have to ask, why should any young man want to get married given the current laws?

2012-08-31T08:22:38+00:00

I see no point in getting married as a man. It isn't even viewed as a partnership. It is viewed as an institution of the State, and is subject to the whims of the ruling political parties.

ninjarxa · 2012-08-31T07:52:25+00:00

26 here, marriage is a terrible legal contract for men. The system is not set up in your favor should it go wrong. Its an archaic antiquated tradition that is not necessary in today's world. It doesn't make your relationship work any better. That little scrap of paper won't turn your life around, nor do you need it to show your love for someone. I will never get married.

mayonesa · 2012-08-31T08:25:58+00:00

I'm don't like the idea of it at all. Going to university next year, kinda scared of what woman I will find there.

2012-08-31T14:49:20+00:00

You're 18-22? Why are you thinking about marriage?

WHY?

I'm 19. I'm perfectly happy being single right now and I don't see that changing any time soon.

AnonTheAnonymous · 2012-09-01T01:43:38+00:00

I heard two women at work today saying one got "screwed" on alimony. She was married 6 months, and had been collecting alimony for two years. And that is apparently women's definition of getting screwed on alimony. Lets make women pay alimony, then they will know the true meaning of screwed.

2012-08-31T06:19:37+00:00

I'm not scared of it, I'm not about to let Feminism ruin my future happiness. But now that I am aware of all this, I am significantly more cautious about it. You shouldn't fear it, rather you should be wise and not rush into anything without planning ahead.

2012-08-31T08:53:30+00:00

Marry foreign. I did. In about 10 years, when I'm divorced and struggling to pay alimony/child support in two nations, you'll say "Hey, I'm glad I listened to that guy!"

sbok · 2012-08-31T14:02:07+00:00

So don't. Make an informed decision. Read the laws surrounding marriage in your jurisdiction, understand them, and decide if it's something by which you wish to be bound. Consider also if marriage is necessary or would make a difference to your relationship. Lastly, know that people can and do change over time. Feelings can be fleeting, and you cannot predict your or your partner's feelings for each other in the future.

2012-08-31T14:10:56+00:00

Marriage was originally a thing to be certain that the parents of a child stayed together long enough to raise the child. This grew in popularity as we deviated from our roots as tribal humans - the tribe would raise the child and the parents of that child were not really more or less involved in the child's upbringing than anyone else in the tribe.

Marriage is what you make of it. You have to be honest with yourself about yourself and your partner. People who get divorced probably saw warning signs early on in their relationship, but chose to ignore it, even though they may not admit this.

Marriage does not have to carry Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Tibetan, etc connotations. You can get married for your own reasons. You can choose your own partner.

If you are deathly afraid that your partner will leave you and screw up your life then you are obviously marrying the wrong person.

As a final point, 18-22 years old is an extremely mentally immature age. My views have changed drastically from that point in my life.

2012-08-31T17:16:57+00:00

I'm not a man, but I was terrified to get married last year at 20, due to the fact that every woman in my family has been married at least twice, gone through nasty divorce proceedings, custody battles... I understand your fear.

The most important thing is trust and communication. Does she pull the "Nope, I'm totally fine, nothing's wrong" spiel when you ask her what's wrong, or is she actually open with her feelings with no bullshit? Are you able to express your feelings to her without feeling belittled or disregarded? Can you both discuss problems without her getting overly defensive? Is there a strong level of trust? Do you agree on major issues such as whether to circumcise future sons, distribution of parental responsibility, whether she should stay home to care for children or if she'll keep working, whether gender roles should be rigidly upheld in your home, and especially about religion or lack thereof?

Second, and I can't stress this enough: For the love of god live together for at least a year before tying the knot! You will never get a deeper insight on your compatibility and the strength of your relationship than you will get through cohabitation. You will get to see the best and worst of each other, and decide whether that is something you want to deal with for the rest of your lives.

Do not get married without having had one very big fight. Contrary to what many people say, fighting is extremely important in a relationship because it lets you see how you both handle conflict. Obviously you don't want to fight too much, but if you go a very long time without so much as a disagreement, that means one of you is bottling your feelings, and that's a disaster waiting to happen. Observe the behavior between you when you fight. Does she quickly resort to name calling, or does she get violent? Does she try to emasculate you or subdue you into submission? That's a big red flag, showing she has abusive tendencies. Does she withdraw into her shell and refuse to get into it? Does she too easily give in to demands or is too quick to agree with you? That shows a weak will and an inability to effectively communicate, which can breed resentment and lead to big problems down the road. Does she listen to your side and then calmly and rationally explain her side? Is she willing to compromise, and are you? Does she try to focus on understanding each other rather than domination? Those are very good signs.

Do not move in together or get married without at least discussing the possibility of splitting up. It's not fatalistic, it's just being prepared. It's a horrible and uncomfortable topic, but one that is necessary. My husband and I already know how a potential divorce would go without kids, and we know we both would want to keep it as painless as possible. It gives us reason to stay together because we want to, not because we're afraid of the headache of divorce. Whatever possessions you have when you move in together or later purchase with your own money, you keep in the event of a breakup. That means he keeps the TV, the PS3, the cat, and the bedroom set. I keep the couches (namely because I'd need something to sleep on), the washer and dryer, the kitchen appliances, and the computer(s). For joint purchases, be realistic. He keeps the car I gave him, because I don't need it and he does. I keep my car. We each take on the loans for our respective cars. I keep the place we're renting because I make more and I'm the only one who could realistically pay for it on my own. Because I would have the house and he gets the cat, I keep the dog. But, because I make 65% of our joint income, I also take on 65% of our joint debt. Just make sure you have an understanding of what you would do in that situation.

Finally, do not have children quickly. There are several reasons. Being married is very different from living together, because suddenly you're in it for the long haul. You need time to figure out how to be married before you try to figure out how to be parents. In addition, being married can be fun, and you want plenty of time to enjoy yourselves, travel, experiment, party, build up a savings, and more, before you start making babies. This is especially important if you're getting married young. You change so much in your early and mid twenties; the last thing you want is to be dealing with those changes while trying to care for a family. Five years is a long time to iron out the kinks, and divorce is much, much easier when there are no kids involved. If there are no kids, you can just split up your stuff and move on. If there are kids, suddenly every dollar and every possession is a commodity to be viciously fought over. Divorce is not a big deal if you're both rational, even more so when there aren't children in the mix. Besides, kids are a pain in the ass and you don't want to rush into it.

TL;DR: TALK! Discuss everything! Leave no hypothetical stone unturned! And if you do decide to never get married, that's completely okay. Nothing wrong with simple cohabitation, you can have a great life without a stupid piece of paper from the government.

mellymelz89 · 2012-09-01T05:03:44+00:00

Somedays I just want to get a vasectomy and just casually date and if worst comes to worst I'll maybe want to adopt a kid

Xenoith · 2012-08-31T09:05:31+00:00

I see no point in it. In fact I see no point in living with a woman over a long period of time. I don't want kids so it's better to date someone who can take care of herself.

mayonesa · 2012-08-31T12:50:33+00:00

I've seen both good and bad marriages. Here's a list of traits of each.

GOOD

Partners committed toward common goal
Partners have not lived together
Partners share heritage, values and outlook
Partners are virginal or close to it
Partners are more "best friends" than romantic

BAD

Partners view it as extended dating
Partners have lived together for long time
Partners are obsessed or in lust with each other
Partners have long sexual history
Partners are of disparate backgrounds, heritages or values systems

These will not be popular, but that's 30 years of observation.

thunder_mcshock · 2012-08-31T07:23:19+00:00

In the same way I'm "scared" of dying of suffocation while on Jupiter.

Both finding myself on Jupiter sans spacesuit and marriage are completely avoidable, so it's not something to get paranoid about.

"Oooh what if I'm walking alone at night and someone grabs me, pulls me into an alley and marries me"-- no, that doesn't happen.

edave22 · 2012-08-31T17:37:42+00:00

I'm 21.

I never want to get married. I see it as forcing yourself into a life of unhappiness for the sole reason of making someone else happy. Sure it works for some people, but lets face it. Marriage is miserable. It's on television shows, movies, and music all the time. Yet people still do it.

When you're married you get into the mindset of "Well, this is it. I'm done." You get fat, ugly, and even stop having sex. So now you're back to square one, but you have someone else who makes you miserable most of the time. The only reason you're still there is because you're used to it. You hate change. That's why you wont leave them.

And then you most likely cheat on them. This is a big deal. Not in the sense of you did it because you're an asshole, but because your partner still has the same mindset about it they did before you tied the knot. Then they run to their parents.

"Mummy! Daddy! I havn't had sex with him in over 3 years but he cheated on me!"

Lets face it, 6 months no sex is a free pass. Now all the married people out there are saying "No way you're an asshole."

I'm not an asshole. I'm single. You're an asshole because the only reason you're saying that is because your partner will get mad if you dont.

Fuck marriage.

TL;DR - Why get married when you can have a better life experience single?

mikesteane · 2012-08-31T09:31:14+00:00

Far too young to get married. Wait till at least 35 by which time you will have a very real perspective on things. Take reasonable precautions: marry foreign, be clear about what you both expect from each other, put it in a prenup, look at how your partner talks about her exes, look at how she deals with people she doesn't like, don't let her walk over you etc.

DavidByron · 2012-08-31T14:05:18+00:00

It's mostly having kids that should scare you. The courts will treat you as if you are married anyway if you are just living with a woman as if you were married so the only solution there would be to swear off women altogether.

Essentially you're already forced into marriage if you're a man and you have some sort of intimate relationship with a woman. The male equivalent would be saying all women must agree to it whenever a man asks for sex.

thesircuddles · 2012-08-31T09:32:23+00:00

Marriage is completely what you make of it. You can do it, or you can not do it. I wouldn't let the media make your life choices for you. If you find a woman you want to spend your life with, and you want to marry her, do it.

Pretty simple.

VerySpecialSnowflake · 2012-08-31T14:26:02+00:00

Don't be scared, but wait at least 10 years before even considering it. You're way too young to get married now.

wildfire2k5 · 2012-08-31T15:25:22+00:00

I am 25 and am still scared of marriage. However, I do know that it can work. My parents and grandparents and most of my family are all happily married, but they are older so not so impressive. A few of my best friends have gotten married and they are still pretty bad ass. Married chicks that aren't crazy, good girl ginas if you will.

So while yes, this subreddit does put you on edge because you really do get to see the bad side of it all, but we forget to pay homage to those relationships that do work out where both spouses are happy and not trying to rip out each others jugulars.

newaccountnumber500 · 2012-08-31T16:13:22+00:00

Marriage and having kids. Only for the legal reprucussions and lack of control over everything. Can a 22 year old guy get a vasectomy?

buster2209 · 2012-08-31T17:54:46+00:00

Why are you scared? You don't have to get married...

LucianLutrae · 2012-08-31T19:20:37+00:00

There are moments where being gay is a curse in the States, but when it comes to this matter I could not be more grateful that I will never marry a woman and that I was born at the right time where I don't need to marry one as a cover for my identity. I'm sure that even if any marriage of mine ended in divorce that the divorce court would be forced to be fair to both partners because there is no woman in the relationship.

celibacy4life · 2012-08-31T21:05:28+00:00

Getting married isn't scary. Divorce is.

PokemasterTT · 2012-08-31T23:24:51+00:00

What's the point of marriage? It is just too risky.

09pop09 · 2012-09-01T00:16:20+00:00

In all honesty, if your happy her, Marry her, Just cut ALL finances out of it. Make her sign papers so that way if you split whats yours is yours, keep all your money separate, Dont let stupid things like money get into the way,

MiniMosher · 2012-09-01T00:27:41+00:00

21 and I think scared is somewhat the right word, it partly doesn't bother me because I'm not christian so I find the idea of me ''marrying'' won't really have any significance outside the ceremony, because I would hope that the things marriage symbolises (love, commitment bla bla) would already be in place at that point.

but I would say scared because the overwhelming information I receive is that marriage for a dude doesn't ever seem to end well, even if the couple stay together. My blood parents are still happily married, but they seem like some sort of anomaly these days

rightsbot · 2012-08-31T06:16:19+00:00

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2012-08-31T12:55:22+00:00

I'm 22 and I'm not scared of marriage. I've been subscribed to MR for quite a while and I have read all the horror stories of men getting shit kicked into a divorce and losing everything they have and sometimes more than they have. I think that advocating against marriage and saying that marriage is a trap for men is overkill and doesn't progress our movement. Marriage is a partnership as everyone should know but it is also a huge step. I realize that people change when they get older and that we are still young, but even in my worst nightmares, I could not begin to imagine my girlfriend doing anything like that to me. I realize that most men thought the same and then ended up living in a shitty apartment with no paycheque and an estranged ex-wife with their kid and no visitation rights. I don't know any of these women in real life and have never personally known someone to do this to a guy I knew, but I think the best way to go about it is to WAIT for marriage. Live together for a few years, maybe even have a kid together without being married. Not all women are just devious black widows, waiting patiently for years for their boyfriends to pop the question and then they go "Gotcha bitch! half your shit is mine." Most women want to marry for the same reasons we do: to settle down with someone they love and care for, raise a family and live happily. DO NOT give up on the idea of marrying your spouse just because you read horror stories online but also DO NOT go into it lightly. Reserve The Plunge for someone you not only love and respect, but who goes out of her way to please and love you in a way only a true partner would.

2012-08-31T13:26:16+00:00

I am 34, will get married and totaly not scared.

I think the men who get shafted in a divorce are the men who chose their wives wrongly, they fell in love with a nice pair of tits and did not care that she has a selfish personality. I only proposed to my GF after I had plenty of evidence that she always puts others before herself + 200% honest and loyal.

Plus... in the worst case I would gladly give her my house and saved money. Why not? If I sometime in the future I live alone again I don't really need much more than a room and a TV to play videogames on. I don't really need money myself, I make money for my family.

Title	Any other 18-22 year olds scared of marriage?
Author	BoppinxB
Upvotes	60
Comments	148
Date	August 31, 2012 6:15 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/z4g5o/any_other_1822_year_olds_scared_of_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/any-other-18-22-year-olds-scared-of-marriage.1014590 https://theredarchive.com/post/1014590

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