I miss my dad. I want to live with him, but mom says she thinks he'll molest me.

billndotnet · 2010-06-23T21:36:12+00:00

My mother married five times before I was 18. I did not meet my natural father (her second husband) until I was 14, when her fourth husband (the only man I ever did, and ever will call Dad) tracked him down on my behalf because I'd asked questions about him. I don't think she was down with it, because she divorced Dad barely a year later. I wasn't allowed to see him, and he had no custody rights. She started dating my father, on top of it. I was already struggling in school at that point, and after that, it was all downhill from there, until I dropped out later on and started working. I've had nothing to say to her since my 18th birthday, and I don't see it changing anytime soon. I'll be 35 this year. If you take nothing else from this thread, understand that your situation is temporary. It will pass. You will be free of her.

I grew up in a situation like yours, and I grew up faster than I'd have liked, owing to my mother's abuse and drinking habits. She had me arrested for losing my temper and breaking a door at home. She'd have my probation officer lock me up whenever I didn't march to her drum. My older brother left when he was 17 because of her. I was barely older than you the first time I put a gun in my mouth. She'd burned every family bridge, at that point, and I had no one to turn to. In a turn of pure juvenile delinquent luck, a complete stranger set me straight. Since then, I have done everything she ever said I wouldn't. I've jumped from planes, wrecked motorcycles, climbed mountains, shagged a centerfold, and traveled the world. This time in your life will pass, and you can look forward to the rest of it.

Much like me, your relationship with your dad will be what you make of it. I call him on Father's Day and visit him whenever I go home. I've followed in his footsteps as nerd, photographer, and even step-dad, and it's all I can do to hope he's proud of me.

Whatever you do, do not confront your mother on this. It will escalate things, and it doesn't sound like you're prepared for that. This may sound like it sucks, and as much I dislike them, a psychologist or therapist might be just the thing you need, to give you an independent third party that doesn't have to tell your mother fuck-all about your conversations.

Without knowing more about your mom and dad's history, it's hard to offer truly useful advice. It's possible she's telling the truth, since something happened to make her so angry at him. It's also possible she's just being controlling and vindictive. Both are equally plausible views to an outsider. The shitty part is that all the cards are held by your mom, and there's not much anyone can do about that unless she's abusing you. You have options, though, and probably some that I didn't. Protective services for kids are a lot more prevalant than they were. Your school probably has a child psychologist on hand, or the school nurse can put you in touch with one. The hardest words you might ever utter may be the best: "I'd like to talk to a psychologist about my parents' divorce." It's a simple safe sentence that reveals nothing of your relationship with your mother or father, but will indicate that you are struggling and open the right doors to you without risking either of your parents winding up in jail, or worse, you in the foster system. Make sure you get an actual doctor of psychology, to ensure that your conversations are confidential. If it comes down to a court visit later on, that doctor will be your biggest asset. I've seen a handful of therapists since I was a kid, so take this to heart: Get over your fear of speaking about your problems. The sooner the better.

This period in your life will be difficult, but you CAN do this. If you're on Reddit, I can only hope you're a gamer, and that this makes sense to you: Grind it out. It will be worth it. I can see from the edits on your post that you're probably dealing with a lot of pent up anger and resentment, so here's this: Throw yourself into your school work, find a goal and focus your anger on it. Keep your temper under control at all times, it is the enemy and will ruin everything in seconds.

I truly wish you the best. You can message me here if you need suggestions and don't want to risk the trolls. If you don't, look me up when you turn 21, I'll buy you your first legal beer and you can fill me on how it went.

edit: self grammar nazi.

Cassio · 2010-06-23T16:47:25+00:00

[permanently deleted]

xmashamm · 2010-06-23T20:20:28+00:00

Here is what you do. Figure out which of your teachers is the nicest and most responsible (this might be kind of hard). Go to that teacher. Explain the problem.

It's going to be embarrassing and it may be difficult if you can't find the right teacher. But if I had a student come up to me and say this, I would immediately get the principal involved and possibly child services.

I'm sorry, but there is no clean way to fix this.

DO NOT LIE. At no point lie or you will lose all credibility and make it even more difficult to get help.

Njall · 2010-06-24T07:18:59+00:00

Actually, the older people are probably more on your side and not likely to be bitter or cynical.

As for your dilemma, I believe you are old enough that any judge would pay attention to your feelings and thoughts in this matter. Even though you are still a minor, the law recognizes that you are more and more able to think for and represent yourself; which in turn means the law pays closer attention to you.

You can contact a social worker, potentially a counselor in your school, an adult friend, a pastor, or potentially the family court directly to request they intervene and help get you more time with your father. Don't give up the first time you hear a No. Pushing through the No's is part of proving your intent is serious and valid.

Good luck. Keep your head up.

Signed, an old fart.

fishwish · 2010-06-23T21:32:08+00:00

Go down to the family court house. Wait all day in the court. At the end of the day the judge will notice you and ask why you are waiting.

Tell the judge you want court ordered time with your father. I think something might work out from there.

kog13 · 2010-06-23T16:24:34+00:00

This sort of thing probably belongs in a different reddit. While your mom is obviously being aggressive, controlling, and hateful, it's a personal story and not one that should be taken as describing women as a whole, which this reddit does enough of.

Since you're asking for advice, I would recommend askreddit or even relationship_advice.

As for actually answering your question, it seems to me that the best route would be to bypass your mom and attempt to talk to a custody lawyer with your dad.

maleantimale · 2010-06-23T20:53:29+00:00

Look, maybe your mom is lying. But just consider that she might not be. It is possible. Your father may have tried something with you when you were too young to remember. Were your parents married? How long if so? He may have been really fucked up and now he is better, along with the not drinking. You said he has no official visiting rights, so that makes me think that whatever settlement happened, something really serious caused that. I don't think it often happens that men get no visiting rights at all.

As for the trolling, please ignore the criticisms. If you are a troll, it doesn't really matter to me in the end if I'm a 'fool' for believing you. I'm an adult, this is just an internet forum, I'll get over it. But I do believe you, and please just realize that many people have been fooled many times and they ARE cynical and lash out, you must have some experience with mean people if you've been using the internet much at all.

This is also a very controversial topic area and subreddit(forum), and people expect lies, manipulation and dirty tactics. You jumped into the wrong place really, but I hope you take some of the good advice.

snark42 · 2010-06-23T22:08:09+00:00

Try to track down someone who can act as a guardian ad litem to file for a change of custody. They're there to protect you from your parents battles and advocate for what you want. At 14 you should have some say into where you live in most every state.

Sorry everyone thinks your some sort of a troll.

GideonCDingle · 2010-06-24T04:48:59+00:00

For the record, I'm old, but I abhor cynicism. I sympathize with you tons, bro. The only advice I have for you is to cherish the time you get with your dad. Make it good, fruitful time. And don't make anything up; you will regret it.

samarye · 2010-06-23T16:56:29+00:00

A lot goes on with parents that kids don't know about. Your mom probably went through some incredibly hard times with your father when they were together and he was drinking heavily, but that doesn't excuse how she's acting now.

I agree with kog13 that you should either talk to a lawyer the next time you're with your dad or ask your dad to make sure his lawyer knows the situation (what you've posted here). If you decide to see a lawyer with your dad, don't tell your mom you plan to do so (she may stop you from visiting).

Don't make something up. Please consider talking to a school counselor about your situation. Even if you don't think the counselor will be able to help you personally much, it's a way to get on record that you are suffering from not seeing your dad -- and you probably won't need your mom's permission because the sessions would take place at school.

stupidkid · 2010-06-23T16:14:07+00:00

I told him once that he should kidnap me and take me out of the country. We were in the car and he pulled over and I thought I was gonna be in trouble but he just pulled me over to him and kissed my forehead and held me and cried. Didn't say a word. :(

carchamp1 · 2010-06-23T16:34:28+00:00

Your mother is abusing you, plain and simple. She's abusing your father as well. You're 14, maybe you can elect to stay with your father, but it might be very complicated. She may just stop at nothing to come between you and your dad.

nuuur32 · 2010-06-23T20:22:34+00:00

Can you find any other mentor in your community to spend time with? It could fix the imbalance of any one overwhelming influence in your life.

DougDante · 2010-06-24T18:26:59+00:00

Stupid Kid, I want to point out that your moniker suggests you are a victim of some kind.

It sounds to me like you're describing a situation in which your mother is committing domestic violence against you and your father.

Unfortunately, you and your father are male, and there is evidence that many domestic violence programs are known to actively discriminate against men.

If I where you, I would begin by maintaining excellent notes of everything that goes on between myself, my mother, my other relatives, and my father. I would make it a point to back those note up electronically and at a trusted friend's house, so no one could destroy them.

I would make my own assessment regarding whether I and/or my father or mother are victims of domestic violence.

I might seek the assistance of a counselor or other domestic violence program coordinator.

I might also consider communicating with both my mother and my father regarding my observations, so long as neither were physically violent to me.

You have to decide whether you're old enough to decide when to spend time with your dad. At 14, it's unlikely that the police or courts will become deeply involved, particularly, if you are doing so to prevent domestic violence.

stupidkid · 2010-06-23T18:59:02+00:00

Possibly troll, but even if so, this could be helpful to a kid somewhere in a similar situation. These things happen all the time - one parent (I'd say usually the mother, simply because usually the mother gets custody) turns the children against the other parent.

Anyway, the most important thing now is to remind yourself that your dad loves you, and to keep believing in him. Even if you KNOW different, it's possible for propaganda to sway your beliefs after extended exposure.

When you get the chance to see your dad next, ask him to find out what he can do to get you back. You stating to a judge that you want to be with your father because your mother is emotionally abusive can carry weight. (At your age, it's less likely that your father "trained" you to say it than a younger child.) Is there a custody agreement that guarantees his time with you? Just as he can't violate it, she shouldn't be able to either. Document this - keep a journal (maybe an online one, only access it at school so your mother doesn't know about it) or something and write in it regularly, and state exactly when things happened in it.

I agree with someone else - make an email address for yourself that you can access from school and email your dad. I'd recommend not from home if she knows anything about computers. You could even write him snail mail letters, just ask him to not write back because your mother would likely take them before you got them.

kloo2yoo · 2010-06-23T23:59:58+00:00

edited again: I don't know why people are calling me a troll or a 'she'. I am a boy. A lot of you are really cruel and I just don't get the randomness

I'm sorry if you were treated badly here. I'm the mod and often enough, I'm treated badly :(

She's got the drum now and says she'll throw it away if I don't behave.

that's unacceptable. begin a journal, and write out the things she is doing to you, good AND bad. After a few weeks or a few months, try to approach your guidance counsellor or school psychiatrist at school.

Hypersapien · 2010-06-24T06:35:27+00:00

Ignore the assholes in this thread calling you a troll. You get these all the time no matter what the thread is about.

I can't pretend to understand the crap you're going though, but you need to get out of that situation. The advice about going to a judge makes sense. I don't know about family court though. From what I understand, they tend to favor the mother regardless of the circumstances. Admittedly, everything I know about them I got from the r/MensRights echo chamber.

DiscoRage · 2010-06-23T20:22:11+00:00

Would calling child protective services help? Maybe they can get him in touch with a family counselor.

billndotnet · 2010-06-23T18:40:13+00:00

Depending on what state you are in, you can legally leave at 16 or 17.

Tell her shit needs to change so you can see him or she can plan to be legally divorced from you when you hit 18.

In the meantime, stay in touch with your dad. Get a cell phone, do not give you mom access to it, get a gmail/yahoo/whatever email account and stay in touch. You know she is a bitch and hateful and there is no reason for it. Your Dad knows to.

Something else to consider. Document everything she does so the next time you, her and your Dad end up in court, tell the judge. He'll listen. If he (or she) thinks you need to be removed, best case you'll end up in a foster home.

You are only a couple of years away from her being out of your life permanently. Get you shit together. I know that is hard at 14, getting money and all but just be ready to move quickly if you have to. Evaluate your current situation and the people whom you trust.

Good luck.

EDIT: above all, never write anything down. Your mom is likely searches your room pretty regular. Learn how to hide stuff. Again, locate people you trust. Hide documents there. Make sure others know your situation. Keep all email accounts hidden and the passwords un-guessable. Be sure to hide money as well as you come into it.

stemgang · 2010-06-23T20:02:58+00:00

Story is tailor-made to tug at /MR/ heartstrings. Daddy, please help!

Mommy is false-accusing you of potential molestation and also inflicting PAS (parental alienation syndrome). Also, Mommy says he abused her and therefore Daddy cannot see his children.

AnnArchist · 2010-06-24T19:03:56+00:00

So how did it turn out?

Shorel · 2010-06-23T17:11:39+00:00

She will be alone and sad in four years when you're gone.

2010-06-24T00:36:40+00:00

I'm sage'ing in a troll thread. This website is becoming 4chan.

2010-06-24T05:27:02+00:00

Obvious troll is obvious.

HaveYouConsidered · 2010-06-23T18:02:18+00:00

Don't have a pregnant, the answer is simple. Do a barrel roll, then be an hero.

2010-06-23T22:27:21+00:00

What if your father molests you? huh? Then what?

mayonesa · 2010-06-23T22:44:50+00:00

IT'S HARD to be in this SITUATION!

Not as HARD as it's going to be when YOUR FATHER gets home.

billndotnet · 2010-06-24T09:01:05+00:00

you are just OLD. OLD and BITTER and CYNICAL and HATEFUL and VICIOUS!! I wish I could hurt you back, but you are the masters, congratulations, dry old fucks

No 14 year old knows how to talk like that. There's several other things in your post that make me doubt the credibility of your story. Sorry, but I'm calling troll on this one. Scamper back to your friends over at /2xc and tell them how "the mensrights men are bastards just like we said".

koonat · 2010-06-23T19:50:31+00:00

This is fiction, obviously written by an adult pretending to be 14.

This shit does not help anyone. If you want to present a hypothetical - do that - don't be a fucking liar.

Fuck you, piece of shit faggot nigger jew.

2010-06-23T23:48:27+00:00

you are just OLD. OLD and BITTER and CYNICAL and HATEFUL and VICIOUS!!

I don't know why people are calling me a troll or a 'she'. I am a boy.

I'm only 14.

Really shitty try, 2xC. Keep trying though. It's entertaining.

AnnArchist · 2010-06-23T16:48:55+00:00

You go to school right? Well that means you have easy access to drugs. Pot won't work for this, you are going to need to find some sort of powder or pills. Be sure to wipe your prints from them.

Now, you need to plant some of it under the seat. Next time she leaves the house, call the police, from a pay phone and then call the police. Your mother will get arrested but she won't spend anytime in jail because shes a woman, but, it will be enough for your dad to re-open custody. All you have to do is call him and let him know about the arrest.

Now, you are 14, so you will get to choose who you wish to live with.

Title	I miss my dad. I want to live with him, but mom says she thinks he'll molest me.
Author	stupidkid
Upvotes	40
Comments	78
Date	June 23, 2010 4:09 PM UTC (16 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/ci6ln/i_miss_my_dad_i_want_to_live_with_him_but_mom/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-miss-my-dad-i-want-to-live-with-him-but-mom-says.1048946 https://theredarchive.com/post/1048946

Comments