So I’m a young guy and over the last couple years I fell into the rabbit hole of the manosphere. I went from redpill to blackpill to a state of acceptance. And I mean acceptance of where I am and likely will be, but not utter cynicism as to what can happen.

Let me go ahead and clarify that I don’t hate women or Jews or whatever group that incels are hating on right now. I can’t hate someone that I can’t blame for my problems.

I will say this. I do still believe in a lot of blackpill ideas. Looks really are the most important. The way I see it (someone used this analogy before I can’t remember who) looks are a job resume, but in this case one that you can’t change (at least not easily). And your personality and everything else that matters, is your impression at a job interview. You could’ve done well on a job interview but it doesn’t matter if you never made it cause your resume was bad. I will say that incels generally are way too fatalistic about the requirements though.

Now I wouldn’t consider myself someone overly fatalistic about my looks. I do have midface hypoplasia, short face syndrome, and class three malocclusion. All to a pretty bad degree. Basically my upper jaw (maxilla) is lacking both in projection and length. My looks are very bad. I will eventually get surgery covered by insurance as the problem is so bad it has functional concerns. This will yield a significant functional benefit and unfortunately at best a minimal aesthetic improvement.

I consider myself to not be able to attract any women due to my facial deformity. I can’t say I blame them. Such abnormalities are by nature unattractive and indicative of poor health (which is true for me). It’s as they say over for me.

So am I gonna do about it?

I’m going to stop hurting myself by trying and repeatedly failing. It gets worse every time. Maybe not forever, but I don’t know. What I will do is hold back the cynicism that it would never happen. If someday, somehow, someone seems to show me some interest, I’ll try and let myself get disappointed.

I’ll work on my happiness by compensating in other areas. I’ll continue my hobbies, maximize my health, pursue my career ambitions, and pursue and maintain platonic relationships. I’ll continue my work in therapy even though it really never helped me. And I’m going to get back on meds, especially since the libido suppression is helpful to me. And I will go through with the surgery but I won’t have unrealistic expectations for it.

I can’t say that this will be easy. That I won’t be depressed, frustrated, or even hateful at times. I can’t say that my life wouldn’t be much better if I was average looking let alone attractive. But I’m going to try to be happy. And although I think a of the blackpill is right, I don’t care. I’m done caring about what is right if it leads to crippling fatalism. I wanna be happy and I’m just going to not think about it.

I mean I really want a girlfriend. I fantasize about it sometimes, even just simple things like hanging out or doing one of my hobbies together. I also really wanted to have a wife and children. Seeing that this could not be a reality has driven me mad. I’ve punched holes on walls, cut my arms up (during a self loathing stage), turned to substances, and even attempted suicide once.

But I realize I gotta at least find another way. I can’t just waste my life away and let the echo chamber of negativity that are incel forums drive me down. That way I will surely kill myself. By trying to make my own happiness, I at least have a chance.

Thanks to anyone who read or replied in advance. Also don’t tell me it’s not over, my face really is that bad guys, it is a legitimate deformity. Wishing the best of luck to everyone on their journey.