Importance of partner's family when vetting?

super_thinker_ · 2021-08-19T02:42:27+00:00

This is a great question. I would choose B because a man with emotional intelligence is rare. His passion, integrity, and emotional intelligence would make him a great dad. I’m sure these qualities would open doors for him, professionally speaking, too.

He would have to have a good relationship with the women in his family though. I dated a guy who resented his family and hated where he came from. It was hard to watch him disrespect his mom.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-19T04:05:30+00:00

Honestly it doesn't sound like you like A at all, but have to convince yourself, and are trying to give him brownie points for his fancy family. You sound more into B.

A man's family matters, to an extent. HVM won't let their family mess with you even if their family isn't great. That being said, their family shows the environment they grew up in, and few people overcome it. How much you actually have to interact with his family depends on a lot of things.

she_is_munchkins · 2021-08-19T08:05:27+00:00

I'd choose B, I admire people like this - most of my friends and myself included actually fit this category. I honestly wouldn't consider A as a real option, because you clearly aren't into him.

In terms of vetting a guy with his family: personally I don't judge family background or upbringing, because no one chooses that (and because I also have a difficult background with my family and my upbringing was not peachy). I'd vet for how he overcame the hand he was dealt with, and just his general mindset surrounding his upbringing or family. I mainly want to see that he's self-aware and has healed any trauma from childhood. I'd then vet his relationship with immediate family members (mom, dad, siblings) to understand the dynamic. I'd make sure that if it's a toxic dynamic that he has done the work to disengage from the toxities, and that he has set good boundaries with them in terms of how much they can influence his relationships. Important to see if he's independent (mentally and financially) and is his own man.

GreatOrchidAmbition · 2021-08-19T03:10:38+00:00

Great question. I think you date the guy, marry the family. I think it would be important how accepted I would be by both. To be honest, I have extended family I DON'T get along with at ALL and I always feel sad because they were jealous of me and hated on me a lot. I would not want to marry into a family like that.

Vmwvi · 2021-08-19T10:20:26+00:00

(B). (A) sounds like they bore you to death, are completely unmotivated and has no life outside of maybe work and twiddling his thumbs. You sound significantly more interested in (B). Unless it's something like person (B) is in debt because of his family (in which case they should focus on paying it off first) or his family members have asked you for money when you met them, it doesn't really make a difference. So long as both he and his family are respectful and generous and you're happy in the relationship their background shouldn't matter. There are rich families who are stingy and poor families that are generous and vice versa.

However, if said man's relatives are the malicious or the unsavoury type and he has not cut them off I would consider that a dealbreaker regardless of whether they are educated or not.

OkChocolate7617 · 2021-08-19T16:18:38+00:00

I would go with (B). Even with kids, you are spending most of your time with the man, not his family. So you need a proper connection with him (which idk if you can get with A, considering you described him as bland).

As for family, I believe most families are dysfunctional in some sense, and it really depends on how a man overcomes or manages his family. If he has high emotional intelligence and integrity, chances are his poor upbringing has only made him stronger.

On the other hand, men who come from sophisticated, well-off families deal with their own problems. I would even say it’s often worse because growing up in a well-off family means you never really needed to earn money or develop maturity and emotional intelligence. Things being handed to you can lead to an unaware, toxic personality that’s not conducive to a HV lifestyle, where you have to empathize and connect with women and reciprocate well.

fireforestfairy · 2021-08-19T10:44:33+00:00

I think whether my partner's family members are HV or not is more important than how sophisticated or educated they are. I've met a lot of people whose family fits your description. Some people from Type A families are HV while some are LV. The same applies to Type B families.

youre_a_cat · 2021-08-20T21:59:53+00:00

Your description of A and B is obviously biased toward B, haha. Aside from that, I would definitely not date A because if his family is the only thing that is significantly good about him, then I might as well date his mom, dad, or siblings. I would grow to resent someone who isn't interesting to me.

I'd also rather date someone who worked their way to the top, rather than someone born there. This may be because I am in the same boat (grandparents never went to college, half of my uncles and aunts didn't either, and some of my cousins are considering dropping out of high school). Man A would not understand my behaviors or my money anxiety, and I feel like everyday life would just have more conflicts. I feel like Man B would encourage me and respect my endeavors to attain more in life, and that's what I'm looking for in a partnership (and that is also the kind of man I am with now).

There is also nothing wrong with a poorer and uneducated family, as long as they are loving and kind. If they aren't, then I believe man B should be low- or no-contact with them. If he's extremely close with his family and they've got something wrong with them (racist, sexist, not respectful of boundaries, etc) then that implies an irreconcilable difference between him and me. Parents are by far the most important influences in a child's life so the "sophistication" of their more-distant relatives is not important to me at all. I turned out very successful even though I have relatives that are not "sophisticated" or highly educated. It seems that being born in a worse position can create bigger hurdles for a child, but it can also create a stronger drive and ambition in some people.

Title	Importance of partner's family when vetting?
Author	NoMoreWordsToConquer
Upvotes	42
Comments	10
Date	August 19, 2021 12:59 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/p74gso/importance_of_partners_family_when_vetting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/importance-of-partners-family-when-vetting.1057942 https://theredarchive.com/post/1057942

Comments