He has hurt me, but i dont want to hurt him.

Moonmask999 · 2020-10-10T20:37:17+00:00

You have to ask yourself why are you attracted to someone who hurts you?

is it because deep down, you have low self esteem?

you think you don’t deserve love?

or that no one else will ever love you?

that you can change him?

that if you let yourself be angry for any reason, then suddenly you are as bad as him?

no. you have to stand up. look yourself in the mirror. tell yourself the imagined version of him where you hope for a future together doesn’t exist. you love love, but you don’t love him. he just feels like the only one who can be that person for you.

grow the abundance mentality. go to places where you can see attractive men (depends on what country you live in with corona) and remind yourself how many fish there are. that shark you dream of becoming the most beautiful manta ray will never be a manta ray. you can’t change him.

Write out that list. Remind yourself of it everytime you think of him. Allow yourself to process how he actually treated you. would you have your best friend go through what he did to you?

vereelimee · 2020-10-10T21:51:50+00:00

Basic human decency is something we give to complete strangers on the street or in line at the grocery store. You wouldn't make them cry or hurt them.

That is the least a partner can do while being a part of your life.

This is the harsh truth. If someone treats you with less respect and basic human decency than they do to a complete stranger, then they don't care about you. They are actively doing you harm on purpose. You don't deserve to be in that kind of relationship. No one deserves it.

I'm sure you know exactly the people you have caused to cry and most of those were during your childhood. Since we mature and learn making people cry is hurting them. We learn to not hurt people. So either that person is mentally broken or they are actively intending harm.

You deserve a loving and caring partner that improves your life.

SadClownProstitute · 2020-10-11T01:42:31+00:00

This is going to be hard to hear, so I'm sorry in advance.

Cutting him off won't hurt him. He won't care. At most he'll find it annoying, or maybe inconvenient, to have to go find someone else willing to eat whatever shit sandwich he wants to feed her, but you're not hurting him. He doesn't care about you.

What he cares about was that you stuck around and were easy to mess with. You were a fun target. Cutting him off isn't mean, because he'll just move on to someone else, and that's okay for you because you're free.

riverboatgirl · 2020-10-10T22:17:30+00:00

It can take time away from him to get the right perspective about him. Try two months.

heliodrome · 2020-10-10T22:45:45+00:00

It's a challenge for you. So challenge yourself and block and delete. And sit with it. And wait for as long as it takes for it to start feeling like the right choice. Because that moment will come.

queendorkus · 2020-10-10T23:13:28+00:00

Live in the NOW and you will pave the way step by step, now by now, to the future you want.

Start analyzing what their actions say to you. Its the only way to decode the real intentions of bullshit men. A lot of people are incapable of SAYING hard truths, they act it out but can't say it because quite frankly they either lack emotional awareness or are HUGE cowards.......... in my case it was both. It took a while to accept he was a bullshit coward.

If YOU love someone.... You tend to treat them a certain way, right? And you analyze your behaviours when it hurts them to try to fix it? So, if they don't speak the same love language as you, you need to be able to draw a line and say " you Don't meet my requirements, it diminishes me to be in a relationship with you. "

Fully being in the NOW frame is the only way I've been able to detach from letting my adorably kind HOPE, to be wrongfully gifted to assholes and giving them the right to run your dreams and self esteem into the ground. And you WILL be picking it up off the ground because they didnt know how to handle it.

Stop compromising yourself for less.

Stop taking less with the promise of more.

Stop letting his Lying to Himself on order to effectively lie to you , be the basis you will make your decisions off of for Your future.

I thought that fucking tool was the love of my life. He was " everything I wanted". I thought I would always be looking for him if he left. You know what? I wanted a future him that Doesn't exist. Because it wasn't evident or being stepped towards in the present. A good future doesnt SPONTANEOUSLY APPEAR out of HOPE. I can't create the perfect partner out of a man who won't try. And it's not my job to convince him to.

He's a joker. And if he grows up one day and proves it, after having adequate time to grow up, and not reacting out of losing you ( because thats called acting), then no.

You're going to do whatever you will until you learn this lesson. I sure took the long lap. It takes a while for our emotions to catch up sometimes.

But when I realized that I need to look through present eyes of my own, it changed my life. One day you will know you are beautiful and are overflowing with potential happiness. Go grab that path. Its done by acting step by step with intention in each one.

Choose whats best for you every time. And when you have a partner they will do the. same thing, because thats what love is. You will find mr.right. this guy is all wrong. sorry babe. Sometimes they're really convincing. You'l get there if you believe in Youreslf as much as you beleived in him.

queendorkus · 2020-10-11T00:17:29+00:00

Toss a stick into the wind and see if he brings it back to you. Literally or metaphorically. Oops. I think im actually telling you to get a pet dog.

This guy is Mr.Wrong let him go. Your emotions will catch up and agree with you.

Dogs are Awesome. Don't ever forget how cool they are. Think of how SAFE you can feel with someone you havent been bit by. Emmulate that with the people you invite into your personal bubble.

2020-10-11T04:50:41+00:00

I just have to remember that shitty feeling of him looking at other women while in bed with me (with him INSIDE of me even), and lying to me about it, to remember that there are men out there who wouldn’t make me feel that way. Remember the times he made you feel less than you deserve, and know that you are way better off without him.

Pahapan · 2020-10-11T04:55:45+00:00

My ex was abusive. He psychologically manipulated me, raped me, and reproductively coerced me. I got an abortion to escape him and it traumatized me even further. I should hate him. And yet I don't. Part of me actually worries that if I'm wrong about him (which I'm definitely not) and he's not a sociopath then he must be in so much pain right now. I cut him off overnight and blocked him on everything and the one time he tried to approach me in person (while I was at work, Jesus Christ) to "apologize" I admonished him and told him to leave me alone. The last thing I said to him was actually, "You're not sorry. If you were really sorry you'd leave me alone." He walked away but then proceeded to keep contacting me with phone calls, texts, and emails, using various apps and sites to circumvent me blocking him. So clearly, he doesn't care about me. To this day more than 3 months later he still tries. But it's not because he cares about me, it's because he wants to get me back under his control. He views me as a possession he's entitled to get back.

And yet, I still don't despise him. I know I should but I can't. I still care about his wellbeing and at times I even catch myself missing him. I've been trying to reprogram myself by reading books like Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (which I would highly recommend if you haven't read yet) and consuming information about sociopaths (my ex meets every requirement for a DSM-5 antisocial personality disorder diagnosis), so I know now how his mind works and that he was using me for his own benefit and never actually cared about me, because he's probably quite literally incapable of love. But none of it has really "cured" me. I still care about him.

It's one part trauma bond (which you should read about if you're unfamiliar with the term) and another part my ability to deeply care about someone. I can't just shut it off. Most women have this ability/weakness and it's what low value men, negative value men, and abusive men exploit to take advantage of us. We become emotional hostages. But you don't have to let your feelings control you. You've done the right thing in cutting contact and blocking and now it's key to continue relying on your rationality and to NEVER. EVER. break no contact. NEVER give him the opportunity to drag you back in so he can continue hurting you. Accept that he is not going to change.

I hope that with time these feelings fade. I don't think they're necessarily a bad thing. Our empathy and capacity for abiding love is characteristic of our gender and one of the many beautiful things about us as women that separates us from men. But we weren't careful and we gave these gifts to men who didn't deserve them, gifts that should be reserved for HVM who've proven themselves, trusted HV family and friends, and our children (if we choose to have them). But we gave our love to ungrateful, hurtful men who didn't deserve something so beautiful, and who in fact used it against us as a weapon.

We must learn from our mistakes and never repeat them. I've given up trying to bring myself to hate my ex. I now think it would be lowering myself to even accomplish that. I shouldn't harden my heart and make myself emotionally more like a LVM. That's not true to myself as a woman nor as an individual. I can care about my abusive ex because I'm a better person than he is, my sophisticated emotional depths are as oceans compared to his puddles. But I can temper my feelings with my logic and not allow them to derail my life again or be used against me. You can care, but never break no contact and never let them back into your life. And care about yourself more. Invest in yourself, build yourself up, and start living your best life.

saint-jezebel · 2020-10-11T02:01:06+00:00

You have to learn to stop caring. It’s a harsh sentence but that’s what it all boils down too.

warinmymind94 · 2020-10-12T06:24:06+00:00

you may want to try journaling or even talking to a friend here. I also found that lurking the fds sub helps me a lot in being reminded to not fall for lvm traps but it also helped me realize a lot about myself and my habits in addition to when I went to therapy.

Title	He has hurt me, but i dont want to hurt him.
Author	Lucky_Card2629
Upvotes	47
Comments	17
Date	October 10, 2020 7:53 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/j8r2bh/he_has_hurt_me_but_i_dont_want_to_hurt_him/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/he-has-hurt-me-but-i-dont-want-to-hurt-him.1068359 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068359

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