some point in childhood - usually after a friend moves away or the death of a loved one - we learn about impermanence. that people are not in your life forever. and sometimes you only get to know them for a short while.

it's a lot for a kid. a big moment in childhood development.

and it's also a crossroads for boys and girls.

because the path that boys go down is one of the TRUTH. in face of this pain (that independence is part of life) boys are told that this is not something to be feared. this is something you need to accept. and it's going to be okay because YOU ARE YOUR OWN LIFE PARTNER. growing up means taking care of YOURSELF because no one is coming to rescue you and you are the ONLY person who will be a constant in your own life.

so boys are encouraged to foster qualities that will help them build that independence. you want to try fishing? great idea! maybe you'll be a fisherman one day! go get a fishing pole, ride your bike to the lake. have fun!

(by the way this is not a "bad" message. if it were equally taught to boys and girls it would be wonderful. but since it's NOT equally taught to girls boys grow to become entitled and insensitive).

meanwhile girls walk an entirely different path.

instead of confronting or understanding the reality of solitude and independence, we're taught to fear it above all else. instead of being taught how to navigate through life on our own, we are told a LIE. which is that a romantic "life partner" is a loophole to the 'no one and nothing is permanent' part of life. we're told: permanence exists! in the form of everlasting love. a man. the love of your life!

of course it appeals to us. we're kids. adults forget, but childhood has very painful and confusing moments. so we crave guidance. and in the face of our pain at this particular crossroad we're told to not even worry about it. which feels like great news. unless you're a remarkably wise kid you're obviously going to cling to that lie.

so the movies that are marketed to us become such a big part of our lives. romantic stories are little windows to the world that cement what our parents and everyone around us has been telling us. it doesn't feel like fantasy at all. the lesson is: we need to be appealing! we need people to like us. because one day we will meet our life partner (outside of ourselves)

so we learn to be small and quiet, warm and sweet, helpful, pretty, modest. you want to try fishing? it'd be too dangerous to go alone. but maybe if you do your chores and are well behaved your dad (a good man) will take you.

we grow up with this and it's not until well into adulthood that we finally, finally face reality.

usually it looks something like this: we meet a man "the love of my life!" and he ticks all the boxes. he adores you, is the perfect partner, looks you in the eye and professes his undying love for you. and then you find out he has been cheating on you the entire time.

at first this feels unfathomable. he must be a psychopath. he must be a narcissist. of course we have heard about these kinds of "bad" guys, but they are rare, aren't they? we never imaged it would happen to us. because we acted how we were taught! we did everything we're supposed to do. good people should attract good people, right?

but then we have another boyfriend, and date a few more men. we notice this is becoming a common experience. that it wasn't just that one boyfriend. a lot of men are like this. Maybe you find out your dad is one of them. Or your best friend. Or your brother. Once you see it you can't unsee it.

the lie starts unraveling.

we see it everywhere, all around us.

next we learn that men are just following the script. they are very aware of the FANTASY that got sold to girls. so they know exactly how to play the part. they're aware it's all a lie. the romantic stories we adored in childhood? men have made fun of those movies with other men since they were boys. when they want women for their own enjoyment, they are willing to play the part. but it's bizarre to them to imagine that we ever actually believed in any of that stuff, but they know that we do

once we start to open up to other women about all this, we find out that the entitlement, abuse, laziness, disrespect, all of it, is extremely common. a lot of women keep it private. they shield men from those secrets. and they fake like everything's fine.

but eventually we learn how unbearably common terrible men are. we start thinking we "hate" them. it's a confusing, painful time.

it's a phase of disillusionment. and as i said in the title, it's SO painful.

for those of you going through it, you're absolutely not alone. you're not just bitter, or toxic, or the wrong type of women, or unlucky or anything like that. your story is very common. you learned that men are just...men.

even though it's a painful time, i promise you that you are lucky to be experiencing it. you're ten steps ahead of the women who haven't learned it yet. and the longer it takes to unravel the worse it feels when it does.

the important thing is that you learn the truth NOW that you should have learned when you were 8. which is that you can only trust YOURSELF. there is no such thing as a life partner outside of yourself. It's time to start doing what you should have started when you were a kid. build your own independence. make your own love story.

i'm sorry that you were lied to.

and if you're not willing to give up men (i understand, i am one of those people) then that's okay. when done right i swear that dating can be empowering and relationships with men can be wonderful. you have to first abandon every silly romantic thing you've ever been force fed, recognize it for what it is (art) and start over. learn how to choose men for the value they bring to your life, (rather than the validation they give you for doing what you were conditioned to do for them). do not feel guilty about taking more than you are giving!!!!!. and NEVER give them your full trust. keep that for yourself.

you cannot control things like a man cheating or abusing you. but what you can choose is to trust yourself enough to know when to leave. and build you own wealth and independence so that you do not get trapped. there is no such thing as someone who is going to sweep you off your feet and adore you unconditionally for the rest of your life (other than YOU).