"A partner can't make you happy"

Exis007 · 2022-04-04T20:27:48+00:00

I think the premise is sound, but the wording is trash. What I prefer is this: "Nothing external will heal a wound that comes from something inside of you". If what's making you unhappy is that you feel invalid, unloveable, unattractive, lost, and unworthy, someone else isn't going to heal that. It can feel like, "Well, if just one person loved me, I'd feel okay" and the quest can look a lot like a quest to find that one person who is going to put you right. But they never will. Those feelings are internal wounds and you're the only one who can heal them. You're the only person who is ever going to allow yourself to manifest self-worth and validity and an internalized sense of well-being. You alone hold that key.

That said, some problems have external manifestations and require external solutions. Feeling lonely, craving touch and intimacy, wanting a partner to go through life with, feeling like you're ready to start a home and create a family...those require another person. In that instance, a parter might make you dizzy with happiness because they are a path for meeting your goals and having the life you want.

What makes it confusing is that a lot of people externalize internal problems. They take the problem of feeling unworthy and unloveable and frame it as a problem of being lonely and wanting companionship. They take interior needs and displace them as exterior needs, and as a result they try to use the wrong tool to heal their own suffering. That's when you hear people say "A relationship won't make you happy". It's usually a short-hand way people have of saying that your quest to find love and companionship is really masking a deeper, interior wound that you need to address before that will be a fruitful exercise.

Khayon21 · 2022-04-04T21:19:01+00:00

From a positive psychology perspective, it's very true, as relying on another person for your happiness is a one-way ticket to disaster, resentment, and disappointment.

The person (or really people) in question should enhance your life but they should not be the "be all end all" of your emotional states. When people make the most progress on themselves is when they are alone you figure out what really matters.

xvszero · 2022-04-04T22:44:51+00:00

I dunno my wife makes me pretty happy.

I think one thing though is, you NEED to know how to be happy on your own too, because the truth is, in every relationship there is still a ton of time where you aren't together, and there are still a lot of tough things a partner can't do for you... job issues, health issues, etc. If you can't figure out life alone, a good partner won't necessarily solve everything for you.

And if you get a bad partner, oh boy. That will just make things worse.

thetruthishere_ · 2022-04-05T01:22:31+00:00

They cant, they should add to your life/happiness.

PsychologicalYam15 · 2022-04-05T05:54:00+00:00

I think a lot of people are just profoundly unhappy. They think happiness is when you are in an emotionally intimate relationship with someone. But don't forget that many people with close friends, loving partners, loving families also committed and completed suicide.

And if you go into some traditional/conservative areas (like the area where I am from), people will laugh if someone say that having partner, having family is about happiness. It is about continuing your family/genes and building financial safety nets.

AntiVictimhood · 2022-04-05T17:16:55+00:00

I like this trope for several reasons.

Don't outsource your happiness. When you do, if you end up losing your primary source of joy you're screwed. Diversify the number of things that give you meaning or else you're taking a big risk.
Long lasting relationships put you through the damn ringer because life is not easy. My partner and I have endured the loss of both his parents within a one year period. Going through that together was absolutely brutal. I've had my health issues worsen which puts stress on the relationship. I lost my license due to my health issues, he was unemployed for over a year.... That is the real shit of life and some people do see relationships and their partners as these fun validation machines.
It's burdensome to your partner when you expect them to cater to your needs and make you happy all the time. To use a pop-culture example, if anyone has watched the latest season of "Love if Blind", look at Nick and Danielle. Danielle lashed out at Nick for attending that contractually obligated mixer while she was sick from a hangover and stuck at the hotel. She lashed out at hime when he has some shit going on in his family on the day he was meeting her family. She was furious that he had his own problems and couldn't act and engage the way she wanted him to. This is an example of a person who expects their partner to do too much, and to always be oriented to meeting her needs and making her happy. She expects him to not have a life or issues of his own, and just cater to her. Toxic shit, but some people do see their partner as tool of joy, rather than a complex human being who is flawed and who will inevitably let you down.

I liken this phrase to the sentiment that "you take yourself everywhere you go".

We all love vacations, we'd all love to chill by a beach enjoying a cold mojito. But if you travel as a way to escape your own internal misery, guess what? That miserable person will be present whether you're sitting in the office or in Bali.

The sentiment that "a partner can't make you happy" is really just saying that you can't use outer sources to heal inner deficiencies.

PutsWomenOnPedestal · 2022-04-05T01:17:32+00:00

Well, they can't.

themchnges · 2022-04-05T02:54:24+00:00

“you’re not looking for happiness, you want to enjoy eachother” im not understanding you my man . if you mean that a partner won’t bring you existential happiness (pleasure, meaning, and contentment with/of being alive) by default (or at all), i think you’re right. a partner can’t make you happy. that being said, there’s nothing wrong with desiring one because the right partner will help you feel happy at least for fleeting moments.

you’re spot on about why “gurus”/manosphere or self-help content creators preach that language, i don’t think their reasoning is always that a partner won’t make you happy, but yes it’s always about keeping you hooked on their content.

my therapist tells me that there’s nothing wrong with feeling lonely and alienated and disconnected and wishing for a partner (or a friend or group of friends) to help you feel understood and feel belonging.

i think “happy” has too broad of a definition to not have this answer/conversation go all over the place.

on a different note, my therapist also really helped me debunk the idea of “you can’t love somebody else if you don’t love yourself”, or in other words, “you must be unbroken and at peace with your mind and spirit and body and lifestyle and environment before you can date someone”. she once said to me that we learn a lot about loving ourselves and being content with our lives and healing from some things when we are in meaningful communicative relationships; doing otherwise is like trying to learn to ride a bike without touching a bike. i think sometimes what can make that unethical is if you aren’t upfront with people about where you are at mentally

WhoDoomsTheDoomer · 2022-04-04T22:16:00+00:00

I think like most phrases it's misinterpreted. If you base your feelings of happiness over getting/mainatining a relationship it is likely to backfire. It's builing a foundation on sand. Also to people on the 'other side' it can be misinterpreted. Like you're telling me it doesn't improve people's enjoyment of life somewhat?

People put way to much emphasis on 'happiness' in general, like ok if something won't make me happy, doesn't mean I can't still do it/want it

meteorness123 · 2022-04-05T01:38:23+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Quinc4623 · 2022-04-05T17:35:04+00:00

I think it is usually a reference to people with significant psychological issues that overestimate how much a partner will help. While it certainly would be a good thing, a romantic partner probably isn't going to be enough to fix low self esteem, depression, anxiety, let alone anything more serious. Maybe having someone say "I love you" will provide the reassurance you need to finally love yourself, but if the issue is serious distorted thinking can cause a person to dismiss or misinterpret "I love you". There are so many relationships that failed because of various psychological issues. It is often phrased as a need to "love yourself first" or "You can't receive love without self love." Someone who sees themselves as loathsome will respond negatively when they meet someone who says the opposite. TBH I think 'The Red Pill' is an example of an entire community of men who rather than challenge the beliefs that make them insecure they sought out people who would confirm those beliefs.

TackleOk3608 · 2022-04-05T19:49:53+00:00

It’s true. It’s better to be single than be in a bad relationship. And yet sooooooo many people don’t realize this, there are far too many people staying in terrible relationships because we’re all taught from birth that romantic relationships are the only thing that matters in life. This social norm is making so many people miserable.

dottywine · 2022-04-17T03:35:07+00:00

I like the phrase, but I guess it depends how you interpret it.

To me, the phrase is saying that being in a relationship will not fix your unhappiness. Being with the right person will definitely bring more happiness and joy to your life, though. But it has to be the right person. Some people get a partner just to say to themselves "I have one". And that actually can make both people more unhappy if they're not a good fit.

Title	"A partner can't make you happy"
Author	meteorness123
Upvotes	28
Comments	23
Date	April 4, 2022 8:02 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/twbiw0/a_partner_cant_make_you_happy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/a-partner-cant-make-you-happy.1108606 https://theredarchive.com/post/1108606

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