Why I Hate My Mom

She’s a control freak - she wants to control everyone

If you don’t agree with her, she will relentlessly argue with you until you agree

She bullied everyone in our family - my dad, my brother and me

My brother developed an inferiority complex about his dark skin and even if he was Chinese because my mom made a joke that my father found him in the garbage and adopted him.

She called him a Mexican

That’s where I learned to make fun of him as a Mexican - from HER

SHE’S THE REASON WHY OUR FAMILY IS FUCKED UP

Whenever she’s not around, the household is very calm

As soon as she enters the picture, it was like walking on eggshells.

AT ANY MOMENT, she could blow off at the slightest thing and start an entire argument for the entire night

She thinks she has “good intentions” but in fact it’s just HER intentions

She wants to be praised for being a selfless parent but in fact she is just a very narcissistic person who thinks very highly of herself

Her own relationship with her mother was troubled - her mother was never around and always gambling and her father was an alcohol and gambler as well.

Her oldest sister was essentially the mother of the family

When her mother died, she wasn’t there. I think I will do the same.

When my dad dies, I’ll be there for him. He never said one mean thing or hit me. NEVER. He was always happy and calm. Only she fucked it up.

She got my dad arrested once - now that I think about it, she should have been the one arrested

Her emotional abuse was off the charts. She belittled me so much and said things like

“A dog is better than you”

“If you don’t die, you’re worthless”

“I regret giving birth to you”

“You’re an idiot. Why are you so dumb?”

Among countless other insults

Only now I realize how that has damaged my self esteem and confidence up until adulthood.

She thinks she can control me.

When I first grew out my hair and came back to NYC to see my family, she literally screamed at me and called me a homeless bum.

She guilted me into getting a haircut just so she would stop yelling at me

When I grew my hair out again, she said “it’s not that I WON’T LET YOU GROW your hair out” as if she controlled my hair and my body

She would always make comments about how fat I was or say that my dad was better looking than me.

She would always tell me that I needed to change - that I wasn’t good enough.

She always said don’t be like your dad - he’s an idiot. Change change change

I asked a professor in human development once about that and she said that was an awful thing to say to a child

In high school psychology class, my teacher was talking about how physical abuse was wrong and I retorted “what do you mean? It’s totally necessary.”

I had normalized physical and emotional abuse from an early age

That’s why I never had any relationships with girls and why I had so much insecurities.

I never had a girlfriend in middle school or high school because my mom wouldn’t allow it. She claimed I would slack off on school.

As a result, I had NO confidence with girls. I never had a girlfriend in middle school, high school or college.

I went to prom alone.

The irony was that I had a lot of girls interested in me - I even had many guys in high school jealous of me.

I remember I asked one guy in gym class why he was working out so hard and he replied “well not all of us can look like YOU” and I didn’t understand what he meant at the time or why he would ever want to look like me.

I remember another guy who was clearly jealous that I was talking to another girl named Tracy. I remember being in the high school staircase with her ALONE and I didn’t realize she was interested in me.

I was just too scared to do anything about it.

To this day,

  1. I still haven’t had a girl give me a present for my birthday or celebrate a birthday with me.
  2. I never received a Valentine’s Day gift or celebrated with a girl
  3. I never celebrated Christmas with a girl.
  4. I’ve never gone on a road trip with a girl
  5. I’ve never met a girl’s family before
  6. I’ve never had a relationship for more than 3 months
  7. Anytime I’ve tried to start a relationship with a girl, I would be ghosted because I was so desperate for love that they could sense my neediness
  8. I haven’t had a relationship in 8 years. The only thing I could get was one night stands, which was NOT what I wanted. I thought if a girl slept with me, that would mean I could finally win her love.
  9. I let so many women abuse and use me. I once met a literal super model from Ukraine at a bar and actually went on a date with her. We actually had a very good time. However I realized she was going through a divorce and was exactly like my mom - extremely controlling and abusive as well as an alcoholic. I spent THREE DAYS in a row at her place without going home just helping her - cleaning her apartment, buying groceries, cooking for her, spending time with her, helping her get her car. I even drove with her to IKEA and helped her buy a mattress because her ex husband took her bed. I helped her bring it back and install it and everything.
  10. She treated me like shit and I left the first time she mistreated me. Then the next day I apologized to HER and brought her a six pack of beer. Then the final night, after EVERYTHING I did for her and right after I helped her get her mattress from IKEA, she wouldn’t even let me park my car in her EMPTY parking spot. I just wanted to avoid getting a parking ticket.
  11. I finally left after that.
  12. Even after that I tried to get back in touch with her. I texted her all these things that I thought she would benefit from.
  13. I recently offered to let her stay at my place so that she wouldn’t have to have a long commute from LA to San Diego for a job. I especially felt bad for her because of the war in Ukraine. She still wasted my time and rejected me after everything I tried to do for her.

My mentor told me, through Chinese astrology, that the only thing I ever wanted in life was LOVE because I never had it in my life.

He told me I basically had Stockholm’s syndrome and empathized with my captor. It all makes sense now

He said I had no self respect for myself, hence why I had no respect for him. I now realized I’ve hated myself for my whole life because my mom made me hate myself from day 1.

I looked for love in all the wrong places - in bars and clubs.

I kept going out every weekend hoping that I could find the love of my life so that I could finally stop going to bars

I don’t even like drinking. I remember recently I talked to a girl at a bar and she said she was interested in me and wanted to play pool with me.

I was in the middle of a game and thought she would be there for the next game. I looked everywhere for her - I realize I was like a lost puppy

I finally saw her outside with another guy and I was crushed.

I just wanted to find someone who was willing to spend time with me.

To go with me on a date to try out a restaurant

To go to the beach together

To watch a TV show or movie together and fall asleep on the couch

It makes sense now why I loved romance comedies and love songs so much - it was my FANTASY to be loved.

I realized i was so unhappy these last 8 years because I thought I had the AUDACITY to believe that someone could love me. I thought true love was a fantasy that my younger naive self foolishly believed in.

I’m pretty smart and talented - I’m not trying to brag but I consider myself a Renaissance man.

I taught myself just about everything from an early age. My parents are immigrants and can barely speak English.

I looked up an old recommendation letter that a professor in my freshman year wrote that helped me get into an Ivy League school.

He said I was already at a PhD level in history and humanities as a FRESHMAN in college. He wrote that I could already compete with his graduate students. That’s how smart I am.

Not only that but I can do many things - draw, photography, sing, play guitar, finance, sales, marketing, real estate, technology, learn foreign languages, etc etc

And yet my mom always said I was a moron.

My mom is just a psycho path and I realized I’ve been gaslighted my entire life to her viewpoint and her narrative

Ironically she always claimed to be the victim in every story.

She would blame everyone else - my dad, his family, co-workers etc

She always tried to convince me to change my dad - “tell him to Change, tell him to change”

I always told her

  1. “everyone has something intrinsic to their nature that can’t be changed. You have to accept that.”
  2. “If you think it’s so easy to change, why not change yourself first? If you want others to change, how about you change first and show how it’s done?”

And she would always push back and claim she has changed by basically venting internally instead of in person

I’ve been on a spiritual journey in the past 2 years and I’ve bought many stones. I was never into this stuff and thought it was bullshit.

The first stone I ever bought was Kyanite, which helps with healing past trauma and getting over a victim mentality as well opening up the throat chakra to speak your truth.

The thing is I had NO IDEA it had this meaning - i just bought it because I thought it was pretty. After I looked up the meaning I was blown away. I’ve just started to remember all these traumatic childhood memories I repressed for so long. Now I understand why I was on such a self destructive behavior.

Here’s a copy and paste

“For those who have lost their way in life, or are trying to break a cycle of self-destructive behavior, use Kyanite in an empowerment grid to get back on track. Lay out rows of small Kyanite blades radiating from a central Kyanite in six different directions. Use each night to walk a different path in the mind, letting images and ideas take form spontaneously. Continue until you no longer need the grid. [Eason, 225] To access forgotten childhood memories or to recall a word or name that eludes you, touch the center of your brow with Kyanite.”

“Kyanite’s frequency encourages the examination of all aspects of oneself, the various interests, skills and knowledge that creates the uniqueness of one’s identity, and how it can be used for one’s Soul path on Earth and in finding a life-fulfilling vocation. It encourages listening to intuitive guidance and living with integrity of purpose. [Ahsian, 224][Gienger, 34][Hall II, 171] Kyanite helps overcome a victim or fatalistic mentality, and the resignation of oneself to the recurring emotional patterns that create blockages in the energetic field. Kyanite can bridge the connection to those patterns and quickly create new energy flow and a shift in one’s perception to the world. It assists one in remaining functional in extreme situations, promotes a more logical way of thinking, and encourages resolute action. [Ahsian, 225][Gienger, 34]”

Last year my dad visited me for the first time ever (we also haven’t spoken in many years but it’s due to his nature, not because he didn’t care)

After spending 3 months with him, it was such a calming and relaxing time. It was so easy to live with him. I realized my mom was DEFINITELY the problem.

I honestly don’t know if I can ever forgive her.

I just told myself in my head, “when my dad dies or is dying, I’ll be by his deathbed”

“When my mom is dying, I won’t be there for her.”

Because that’s exactly what she did to my maternal grandmother.

My cousin told me that my maternal grandmother’s last words were that she regretted gambling so much and ignored her family.

I recently wrote a girl an 8 page love letter because we actually hit off very well and I could tell she was interested in me. But as soon as I didn’t hear from her in a few days, I grew anxious, even though I just sent her a nice present for her birthday.

My mind started racing, thinking I wasn’t good enough or that I needed to do more to win her love.

Obviously I ended up freaking her out and she has stopped talking to me as a result. This is what I’ve been used to my entire love life, or what little of it can be called that.

I’m in the process of healing now and I realized I have to love myself first.

I could do so much and learn almost anything but I could never imagine that someone could ever love me, that I could ever love myself and that anyone could ever care about me.

I have thought to myself many times, “if I were to die, would anyone really even mourn my passing? Or would they just move on the next day as if nothing had happened.”

Emotional abuse and physical from women does happen and it’s not talked about enough. No one holds these women accountable for their crimes.

As a result I’ve been emotionally stunted and de-masculinized for my whole life. It’s only recently I’ve found my voice and discovered who I TRULY AM.

For ex red pill, I need to write this in particular

I never had a male role model in my life - my dad didn’t know anything about women either. He didn’t have a normal childhood - he escaped from Communist China by swimming 6-8 hours in the ocean to Hong Kong when he was 16 or 17. There was no way he could teach me anything about living a normal high school life in America

Going back to the self taught thing, because I didn’t have a male role model or ANYONE to talk or ask about relationships (since it obviously wasn’t covered in school), I always wanted to look for a “manual on love.”

“If I could just have a book, I could study the shit out of it and teach myself how to get a girl to love me.”

That’s when I started reading “the game” and learning about Mystery and PUA etc

I also got into this book called 3% man by Corey Wayne

I kept trying this stuff over and over and over again, like the three day rule where you can’t contact a girl for three days or she’ll think you’re desperate and never talk to you.

Before that I would literally always text a girl I met at a bar the next day or even the NIGHT of because I was SO excited to get a number

I’ve literally gotten so many numbers in my phone of girls that I have no idea who they are. So naturally I thought this 3 day rule made a lot of sense

It’s only been recently after I talked to some girl friends of mine that I learned this was stupid as fuck.

Being friends with girls has actually taught me a lot.

If there’s anything I would recommend to heal, try making and being friends with girls.