Am I too sad about my divorce?

Xan-Diesel · 2022-03-28T15:35:05+00:00

As I've mentioned in other posts, I was with my kids Mother for sixteen years. She left the month before our tenth wedding anniversary. We were High School sweethearts - went to Senior Prom together and attended junior college together. We dated for three to four years before moving in together and married after about six years total. We had our first child after being married for a few years. Our lives were completely intertwined and I loved it. We spent all of our time split between our families and mutual friends. We forged our own lives together and our path was the same.

When you endure something like this you're losing a huge part of yourself and your life. It isn't unreasonable to be sad or upset. It's completely okay to miss and long for the woman you used to know. Be kind to yourself and remember you can't go back to change anything. You can be the best version of yourself and you can start right now.

It was by far the worst pain I've ever experienced. I'm about two years out from the day she left and I'm still not at "100%", though I'm not sure I'll ever be. I'm better in many ways but my life is now completely different. You'll be okay if you hang in there. I found the best coping mechanism for me was to live in the pain and roll into it completely. I didn't try to stop crying or think about something else. I kept myself busy at the gym (I've worked out every other day since she left and haven't missed a work out) and picked up the concept of trying some "wrong" (if "right" isn't working, try some "wrong). I used to find mayonnaise spicy (I'm kidding) and now I love and enjoy spicy and hot food. I learned how to build a step in front of my house with some co-workers. I installed a generator inlet (also with help), interior door and build a tool shed. Acquiring those skills was helpful during this process.

Keep waking up and moving forward. Any progress is good progress.

divorcedanon12345 · 2022-03-28T15:30:04+00:00

its going to get better my guy.

There is no manual telling you how to feel.

In psychological literature divorce is right under death in terms of traumatic experiences you will have in your life. especially after she did you like that its ok to be sad man.

Stay busy and work on yourself.

edit: if it makes you feel any better I cried a lot the first few months too my guy

euphramjsimpson · 2022-03-28T16:00:50+00:00

I'm right there with you. It's been longer for me, 3 years. I have trouble watching anything involving families, love, doing the right thing even though it's hard, etc. I should be nothing but angry with her, but I'm like 95/5 sad to angry. I really just don't get it.

DeletedLastAccount · 2022-03-28T18:01:43+00:00

Add me to the list of people who still feels this way, and my wife cheated and left half a decade ago.

I don't think it's unreasonable to think if you truly loved somebody, and especially if you weren't the one who wanted the marriage to end, that it would affect you in the way that it has.

There is nothing wrong with that, and frankly I think it's far weirder when people can brush off an ex spouse like nothing. But it is what it is.

askingforafreddit · 2022-03-28T17:12:28+00:00

I don't want to become a cold or angry person, because that is not who I am nor who I want to be

Always remember that you said this. Nothing good comes from anger - harboring it, spreading it, venting it - and you know this. Anger and hate isn't where you ought to be directing any of your energy. You are absolutely right.

We all prepped for, dealt with, and reacted to the divorce very differently, so what may be too sad for you might be perfectly normal for someone else. We all get over the divorce differently and at different speeds too. So don't dwell too much on your reaction to the divorce; focus on finding out what's going to get you through it. Exercise, lean on family and good friends, eat well, explore and travel, pick up new hobbies, etc.

SnooChipmunks8506 · 2022-03-28T18:33:21+00:00

Hey man, we all go through that phase.

I divorced my wife of 15 years, and moved out because of her BPD and her sick ways of controlling and abusing the family. With 4 kids and massive debt, I thought I would start off mad, but I went through 13 months of crying, sadness, depression, blame and general self loathing.

There is no “schedule” and your sadness is normal, she cheated on you, who wouldn’t be sad?

Please make sure to visit a good therapist, it is important to realize that this will take A LOT of time. Go slow, set rules for yourself, find hobbies you like (mine is fishing and exploring places in my state), and start your emotional growth.

This is gonna be bumpy, you have a Reddit community to help you, but a local one is good too. There are divorced men groups in every major city, maybe look on meetup and find your closest one. They will be able to help you in every way.

Just a word of caution LAWYER UP, it is expensive but absolutely necessary. She manipulated you for years, she is still doing it now, have someone represent you. Fight for the things you want and DO NOT agree to $$$ until you have someone next to you.

She used you for your job and stability while she violated your marriage, she is doing it now too.

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-03-28T15:37:12+00:00

You need to emotionally disconnect yourself from the idea of what you had of your wife. She is no longer that person and has shown you how evil she actually is. Once you get to that place of feeling indifference towards her you can move on in a healthy way.

Dell_Hell · 2022-03-28T15:54:45+00:00

If you want to embrace the anger - focus on the lies, the deception, the callous cruelty it required to conduct the affair.

Think about every time she came home and kissed you - after being with him.

Think about every time she and him laughed together at how you bought her latest bullshit excuse and what a gullible idiot you had to be.

Think about kissing her or going down on her, and maybe he just left and there's a little something salty taste there.

Think about every Valentine's Day / Anniversary / Birthday - where she sat there, letting you go all out for her, all the while knowing her evil, twisted secret and smiling through it all.

Think about what a cold, callous bitch you have to be to sit there and do that to someone you claim to love.

Gattsama · 2022-03-28T18:49:24+00:00

It's just too many variables. And there is no right way to feel. In my case only separated, but we were together for 17 years, married 12 (although 13y this June), and separated Oct 21. I filed 2/1/22. This were never really all that good (I think, she made things every confusing), no kids, she was a stay at home wife, I worked (and a lot) and provided everything. And in the end I filed. So unlike guys here that had a 'great marriage' and 'lots of happy memories' and then one day find out she's cheating or wants out; then bam; divorce.

In my case she asked me to leave, then took off her ring and said I shouldn't come back until my vows mean something. Thing is once I moved out, I have never been more peaceful and stress free. In fact the ONLY stress in my life is her, the marriage and the pending divorce. So how do I feel:

Mostly peaceful, but also: scared, guiltily, anxious, upset, excited, relief, hopeful, nervous, apprehensive and sad / disappointment. I sometimes get hit with these waves of guilt; marriage isn't about happiness but commitment, I'm quitting, till death do us part and I'm not dead, could we try this or that to make it work, is she going to be ok by herself, who's going to take care of her, it's going to be such a down grade in her life, over weight 44y/o don't do well on the dating market, etc. I also get waves of damn near euphoria; no one is telling me everyday how much I suck and don't do, I can sleep and sleep in an not be ridiculed, I'm not walking on eggshells, I can pursue my life and hobbies and not be told I am selfish, I have some space to mentally breath, no one is call me names (stupid, child, questioning my sexuality, attacking me, complaining, etc).

You feel what you need to feel. Your feelings are by definition correct. How you deal with them is up to you. But you are not suppose to feel anything.

I'm working to unfuck myself. Because right now I can not trust women (romantically). Any positive they have to say I am 100% suspicious of, and any negative and I will bounce (because never again). Even if I believe that they are being honest 'now,' I don't trust they will continue to be that way months to years later. I am never going to marry again, but I want (someday) to have companions and maybe even a few LTRs. But I'm not fit for a relationship, and that makes me feel all kinds of things too :) Still I'm not angry with her, I blame myself. I choose to marry her, I choose to stay as long as I did, I choose not to confront her, I choose to neither set strong boundaries are stick to them, I choose to file / terminate. I allowed myself to be where I am today and choose it. Now it's on me to clean up my mess and move on.

Plebe-Uchiha · 2022-03-28T19:39:37+00:00

Trust your process.

If you need to cry, cry. If you need to run, run. If you want to laugh, laugh. Just don’t hurt anyone, yourself included.

Take it day by day. It will be hard. In 10 years you’ll be a different person with other things on your mind. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. On the bright side, you get to find someone else who truly loves you and appreciates you now. [+]

pegleg_legal · 2022-03-29T04:23:32+00:00

Three months is not long. If I were you, I would give up on any sort of closure or emotional support and understanding from her. We express our feelings to people who will love and care for us, not people who act against us. Show her only strength.

WartimeDad · 2022-03-28T15:52:58+00:00

Dude you’re young and there are so many other women. She was HORRIBLE. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You’re out relatively unscathed except for the trauma of it.

At any rate. Just be easy on yourself. Hit weights hard. I mean really heavy and really intense. Get into new hobbies and interests.

Bipolar_investor · 2022-03-28T16:00:27+00:00

It matters that you got a divorce and corrected your selection mistake. You now are overwhelmed with nostalgia feelings, which is normal. Just give it time, and you'll rock a giant smile on the daily that you chose your freedom.

💪🙌

redveinlover · 2022-03-28T20:33:30+00:00

You are experiencing perfectly normal and valid emotions. I was really sad too, I cried more in that first year of her splitting than I probably had in my entire life combined. I just had to develop thick skin and realize she was a snake, and the woman I loved and trusted for 16 years was no longer there. Who she turned into was truly awful, and it made me realize how much better off I was without her, even though it meant I didn't get to come home to our kids every day. Like when she told me she made a "huge mistake" and wanted to work things out only 3 months after telling me she'd rather live under a bridge than sleep under the same roof as me. Within a week of telling her I wasn't ready for that, she was hooking up with her old druggie boyfriend from high school. I learned more about her in the months after the divorce than I think I did during our 12 years of marriage. I just realized at one point that by continuing to be hurt by her just meant she was "winning", and it was something that I could control, so I did.

You will look back in about a year on this and see how much you've grown. Some days will be better than others, but overall these feelings will heal and will pass. Keep your head strong and focus on improving yourself.

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2022-03-30T18:14:52+00:00

It gets better. Everybody is a little different. For me, we were together 10 years, married for 5 of those. I was angry and sad pretty much constantly for the first 6 months after I found out she was cheating. I'm not over a year from finalized divorce and I no longer feel sadness. Only a low burn anger for her actions. I also feel no love anymore; that died during the divorce proceedings when she decided to go full money suck on me despite being the one in the wrong.

Find something else to take your mind off things. Take up a new hobby, meet new friends (or hang out more with your current ones). It gets better and you will survive it.

Title	Am I too sad about my divorce?
Author	Character-Charge-738
Upvotes	16
Comments	17
Date	March 28, 2022 3:07 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/tqbek0/am_i_too_sad_about_my_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/am-i-too-sad-about-my-divorce.1109806 https://theredarchive.com/post/1109806

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