How can I get more in touch with my sensuality? Struggling with a low libido and I’m concerned it may cost me my relationship.

amarapalmer · 2022-05-12T23:20:25+00:00

I agree with everyone above me when they say to ask him. Because maybe he doesn’t want more sex. Or even if he does you can get really good at oral and that can make up for the lack of actual sex. Have him teach you how he likes it, do it every other morning when he wakes up he will love it. There is always tricks around things, and most men don’t get oral in the morning ever. So it’s a gift for him and you don’t have to beat yourself up over not being a sex addict which most people aren’t. You got this.

rosesonthefloor · 2022-05-13T00:14:47+00:00

Has he expressed any unhappiness about the frequency of sex, or is this something you’re worrying about on your own?

Also, I second u/amarapalmer’s suggestion of oral!! Sometimes I don’t feel like having actual sex, but I’ll happily make sure my man is taken care of. What man is going to say no to a blowjob from his girlfriend? You can even switch your technique up to tease him and prolong the encounter, depending on how much you enjoy it.

Another suggestion is - dance! Turn on some music that makes you feel sexy, put on a cute outfit, and dance in front of the mirror. You might feel a bit awkward at first, but sensuality is about connecting to your body - and movement is a fantastic way to do that.

You can also stretch or meditate, but I find the movement of dancing more grounding and sensual, personally. While you dance, touch yourself. I don’t mean masturbation - I mean caress your neck, your arms, your stomach, your hips. Enjoy yourself!

This is a bit more nsfw, but depending on your comfortability, you could also try edging. This is when you bring yourself nearly to the brink of orgasm and then back off. If you “save your orgasm” for when you’re with your boyfriend, I’m sure you’ll be that much more eager to do the deed!

Last tip: hydrate!! I’m not sure if you’re on meds for ADHD, but I am, and I find that hydration is SO important to my overall “feeling good”. I notice that when I don’t get enough, I just feel blah, and that’s not making me feel sexy haha.

Good luck!!

ladida1321 · 2022-05-12T22:38:39+00:00

1x a week in a long term relationship is pretty… average. Especially if you consistently are doing it that often.

I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. Has your bf actually said he is unhappy with the frequency?

It’s hard for me to tell From your post if you want to change this for yourself because YOU genuinely want to have a more active sex life or if you want to change this because you think this is what your bf wants/ worried about him leaving you over this?

I think just having an honest conversation with him and sharing the things you’ve said in your post would be helpful.

CigarettesandAsh · 2022-05-12T22:57:40+00:00

I want to echo what u/ladida1321 said: once a week is really pretty average, and have you checked in with your boyfriend to see if he's happy with the frequency? I'm not sure if you want to have sex multiple times a day every day, but if so that can be a bit unrealistic (both in terms of actual desire and having the time for it!).

That being said, something that helps me feel sexier is liking my body. You are actually in a great position. It sounds like (from an aesthetics standpoint) you need to build muscle, and to do that you have to eat more. You can kill two birds with one stone by eating more and doing strength training exercises. You can look up your TDEE for your height and weight and try to aim to eat 100-200 calories above that per day, focusing on getting adequate protein (according to this article, 0.64 grams per lb of bodyweight is a good place to start). If you feel sexy, it's a good motivation to act sexy. Plus when you work out you increase your testosterone, which is one hell of a sexy time drug.

And on a more mental note, I quite often initiate sex even if I'm in more of a neutral mood about sex. Sometimes it's more 'I love my husband, and a way to show that is to have sex with him' rather than 'I need dick now'.

And lastly, I've heard good things about the book 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski. I started it and wasn't a fan, but a lot of people have gotten a lot out of the book. It goes into some science around arousal and desire.

Whisper · 2022-05-13T19:47:16+00:00

What's missing in all of this is the part where you talk about how he feels about it.

I suspect that's because you have no idea... because you haven't asked.

Thiccsmartie · 2022-05-13T07:26:32+00:00

You mentioned that you are underweight. You need to gain weight. A body that doesn’t have enough fat on it for a baby to have a healthy pregnancy will not want you to have sex. Speaking from experience. Even if you are not underweight from bmi stand point but are too lean, workout too much, are under the bodyweight range that is optimal for YOUR body (not optimal to bmi or other ideals) you will most likely have lower libido.

Anonymous_fiend · 2022-05-13T00:07:37+00:00

3-4x a week during the honeymoon phase then 1-2x a week is pretty average after a couple years. It’s completely normal. It’s what my sex drive is at too (except during ovulation then it’s higher). But my fiancé has a higher sex drive so I give him bjs when he wants. As for improving libido women usually need to be turned on by small things throughout the day. Like making out before he leaves for work or sending a flirty text. Women’s libido is reactive/responsive. Him taking more of the sexual initiative will help too. Also buy yourself some nice perfume and lingerie. Don’t rush yourself relax. Being stuck in your head can make it hard to get turned on. Also maybe explore some with him. There’s a lot of sex toys and kink supplies on Amazon. Make a list of positions/things you’ve never tried but want to. Be spontaneous. Have sex on the kitchen counter while dinner is in the oven. Spice things up if you’re not satisfied and getting bored.

Honestly I think you’re having some self worth and depression issues right now. Your value to a man is more than sex. Sex won’t secure commitment/marriage. Desiring to have sex with him multiple times per day is fine but there’s some underlying problems here. You aren’t wanting for the right reasons you’re searching for external validation. Your relationship needs work outside the bedroom if you’re only getting your emotional intimacy needs sexually. Also you aren’t that girl and you won’t be. And that’s ok. You’d be hypersexual and getting your self worth through sex if you were to try and force yourself to be that vs actually having a high libido and wanting it. Who knows many after a lot of therapy you can be more sex positive and feel comfortable enough to have a high libido. Does he even want sex multiple times per day? It’s fun once in a while but a lot of men don’t have the time and energy for that daily. Men usually like to be the ones leading the sexual relationship. Being too dominant and leading by initiating sex excessively isn’t a good thing (unless he’s into it). Yes you should be sexually available to your man but how you make him feel outside of the bedroom gets you married. You seem very insecure in your relationship with him and yourself. I mean your shocked he hasn’t broken up with you after 4 years together. There’s something else going on here. Whether with you or with the relationship. Self respect goes a long way. It will also improve sex. Confidence in yourself carries into the bedroom.

How you treat yourself is extremely important in securing commitment. If you want to be a wife be wife material. Sexual marketplace value and relationship marketplace value is different. You need both but focusing on smv while neglecting rmv won’t get you married. You need to level up your rmv. Mental perspective, emotional stability, and attitude is a part of rmv. What is your value outside of sex? What else do you offer to the relationship? If you were hospitalized and couldn’t have sex for 2months would the relationship survive? Or is sex what’s holding it together? Sex just gets you in the door. 4 years no ring- have you talked about a timeline? Or just a general I’d eventually like to get married/future planning. Men do future planning with women they don’t intend to marry to keep them around. You’re at the time where things should be getting serious.

You’re living in fear and reacting emotionally to it. You’re imagining abandonment and slightly codependent. Have you ever seen a therapist for dbt? It helps with people who have borderline personality disorder or have those traits. I’m not a psychologist nor am I trying to diagnose you but look up quiet borderline. There might be some tips and strategies to help with you’re depression since quite bpd has a lot of overlap with depression. It’s often mistaken as depression too.

High n count is a result of underlying issues. Those issues are what causes problems in a relationship not just the n count. Therapy is usually needed to work on this.

Yeah don’t go off your meds. There are cheaper therapy services like betterhelp which are for things like this. Also you can get welbutrin/antidepressants on khealth and lemonaid for under $100/mo pills, shipping, and psychiatric appt all included. Blue lotus flower or kratom are herbs that could help. Also physical activity, eating well, getting enough sleep, and having an outlet for your feelings will help. Hobbies and female friends are a healthy thing to have.

Also being underweight kills your libido. It’s one of the first things to go since it’s not necessary for survival and making a baby is counterintuitive when nutrient deprived.

smoore95 · 2022-05-13T03:24:48+00:00

I read your post and I have a lot of advice/questions. But I am going to skip all that and go straight for answering your question:

How I improved my libido: 1. I stopped birth control. I know you said you already tried this, but this has down wonders for me.

I started exploring my own sexuality. My husband and I are very open with one another, so he is generally open to trying new things in the bedroom. I purchased some toys that are low profile and get me ready for sex. Some of these toys include ben wa balls (so fun. I just place these about an hour before I get off work and my body does the rest! I am ready to go as soon as I clock out from the office! But it’s not like an active masterbation tool, like a vibrator or anything) Another toy I bought is like little nipple suction cups. Same thing. It’s not actively masterbating.. it just like… slowly waking your body up
I have to feel pretty/feminine. When my husband is treating me like a lady, I feel like a lady. Reward your husband when he makes you feel good. For example, when he compliments you, tell him “it makes me feel good when you tell me that”. When he holds open your door, tell him “I love when you do that”. Encourage his gentlemen behavior. It will help YOU feel better.

For me, it’s taking care of myself that increases my libido. When I feel sloppy/have a dirty house/feel out of control in my life, I’m not that into sex.

Do things that makes YOU feel good. Have your partner come on board with helping YOU feel good. About your body, your life, everything.

Buy yourself little toys to bring YOU pleasure.

Take care of yourself and your home so YOU feel like a lady.

roro2828 · 2022-05-13T03:02:49+00:00

It seems like you might have some blockages in your lower chakras (root, sacral, solar plexus). Blockages in your sacral are tied to libido - not sure where you’re based but look up energy healers they can help with clearing blockages - also looking up sacral healing on YouTube.

An alternative therapy may be craniosacral therapy which is a touch therapy approach

Mirchii · 2022-05-13T08:59:50+00:00

Chelated magnesium glycinate, magnesium l-threonate, zinc, and vitamin D.

Competitive-Gas3935 · 2022-05-13T02:34:13+00:00

I know you said it’s not an option. But my best friend struggled with low libido for years and it was really affecting her relationship. She just went off the pill and she said she can’t believe how much her sex drive has returned. Is your partner able to use condoms so you can stop taking the pill? The pill is honestly really bad for your health anyway..

LadySandcastle · 2022-05-13T14:34:47+00:00

Having sex multiple times a day in a LTR past the honeymoon phase is pretty rare. It sounds like you're intimate an average number of times a week for the point you're at in your relationship. I think you're beating yourself up too much.

My husband's libido is higher than mine, so I try to never deny him (unless I'm feeling really awful for some reason). I know I almost always end up enjoying it anyway. If I need a break I do what the other ladies suggested and offer up oral, it always make him happy.

If you like reading or watching TV you could try incorporating some stuff with sensual scenes, nothing too risqué but enough to put your mind on it. I've found this usually puts me in the mood when I hadn't intended it to lol.

NellieSantee · 2022-05-13T17:50:13+00:00

Have you looked at your hormone levels? They have a big role in Sex drive. I'd recommend talking to a obgyn or reproductive endocrinologist.

Kukatieza · 2022-05-13T19:56:54+00:00

Work out (not to intense if there are health issues), eat well, drink enough pure water, find natural libido supplements (You may be lacking some vitamins) and do sexual exercises (kegels, yoni eggs, etc) to activate your body. Don't think about it too much and linger in mental issues, just go and do it, create a routine and respect it.

capresesalad1985 · 2022-05-15T20:51:45+00:00

I know see a doctor isn’t what you necessarily want to hear, but look up the biote pellet. I had low testosterone, something a lot of doctors don’t test for. I got the pellet along with reducing my work hours and my sex drive has been way way better.

Title	How can I get more in touch with my sensuality? Struggling with a low libido and I’m concerned it may cost me my relationship.
Author	sugarplumsunset
Upvotes	27
Comments	36
Date	May 12, 2022 8:40 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/uoak0e/how_can_i_get_more_in_touch_with_my_sensuality/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-can-i-get-more-in-touch-with-my-sensuality.1114453 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114453

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