It seems I'm going to be the father of a son. Ideas on how I can protect him from the misandry of the world?

veddX · 2022-05-07T18:39:34+00:00

You can start by protecting his right to genital integrity and not circumcise him.

kaeioo · 2022-05-07T18:03:26+00:00

Don't protect him from danger. Prepare him for danger. Lots of love and gradual exposition to danger.

R4_F · 2022-05-07T18:51:35+00:00

Don’t cut him, I say this because you are in the US where male genital cutting is common. Teach him bodily autonomy by respecting his.

For other things, teach him to recognise and process his emotions. When he is frustrated, ask him what emotions he is feeling. “Are you feeling angry? Are you feeling sad?” etc.

UnHope20 · 2022-05-07T19:24:54+00:00

I totally hear you on this. I don't want to have a son for the same reason.

I guess I'm not terribly keen on having a daughter either because I understand that the world wouldn't help her grow into compassionate, reasonable individual either.

Nachtlicht_ · 2022-05-07T19:53:16+00:00

It's a wonderful thing to have a son. Never thing otherwise. Might not be easy but nothing is impossible. Many many sensitive, smart and capable men grow out of boys nowadays despite all the odds. Help somehow to bring another one, we need them. I think seeking some advice from professionals would be a better idea than asking a subreddit tho.

peanutbutterjams · 2022-05-08T02:23:19+00:00

Teach him to love and respect others equally and he will be keenly aware when that general love and respect is not returned when it comes time.

I honestly can't think of any way in which I'd raise my son differently from my daughter. I'd love them and listen to them and provide the boundaries they need when they need them and everything else my wife and I do.

adam-l · 2022-05-08T03:41:27+00:00

Sports.

Muscle mass and strength is perceived by women (and men), and is a factor of attraction. If he's stronger than most men, people can sense it and it greatly makes up for his lack of height.

lawott2 · 2022-05-08T09:56:50+00:00

It's funny. I grew up feeling the financial and emotional pressures of a stressed out dad trying to make ends meet in a working class household, so when I think of ways I can potentially protect my future kids, my mind goes to making sure I have a good career and enough material resources to help them out with.

So in that sense, I can understand why you'd want to protect your son from the struggles that might preoccupy you, but I also think you're seeing this in really stark biological terms. To be blunt, I think you're missing the forest for the trees.

There are plenty of 6'+ guys out there that lead extremely mediocre, unpleasant, or outright destructive lives. There's nothing innate about your height that guarantees you won't become someone that hurts others, themselves, or never experiences love or camaraderie or success or anything else that you might value in life. Studies of heightism are interesting, but what exactly this says about our society or prospects for shorter-than-average people isn't clear enough to apply any direct lessons to individuals.

At least, nothing beyond the obvious: you need to ensure your son has an innate sense of value in a world that will try to convince him that he doesn't. You'll also need to give him the tools and the space to rebuild his self-respect when the world repeatedly tests him and tries to tear it down. There are already some great suggestions in this thread; physical activity, learning, and processing your emotions in a productive manner go a long way.

If you give your kid these tools, height will be just another aspect of life to figure out among many difficult things.

The only other point I can think to give is just a reflection that has come from many long talks with my girlfriend about eventually having kids: they absorb information like sponges. Your behaviours will become the template for theirs, just as much as (if not more) than what you tell them to do. If you want your son to be happy, you must be happy. If you want your son to be fit and healthy, you must be fit and healthy. If you want your son to be confident and relaxed, you must be confident and relaxed.

Deadlocked02 · 2022-05-07T22:49:19+00:00

Are you in the U.S? Heightism is very strong anywhere in the world, but I heard it’s specially bad in the U.S. Short men not only are more likely to earn less than taller men, but are more likely to be depressed and attempt suicide. There’s a bit of research about that.

When I was younger and realized and I wasn’t going to grow much anymore, that made me extremely depressed. Coming to terms with the fact that I was gay brought me a lot of relief when it comes to that, because men generally care less about that. And there isn’t a similar expectation to perform masculinity or protect someone, which helps too. But people aren’t as big where I live as they are in the US, so yeah, being a short men in the U.S must be way harder.

Honestly, I think these days it’s just too fucking hard to be a straight man. People in the progressive circles I used to frequent would crucify me for saying that, but it’s the truth. I feel like I’m spared from a lot of bullshit for not being a straight. And even so, I struggle to get by and have a million of issues and concerns. I’m definitely not equipped to have the life of a straight guy. The insane burden of performance when it comes to romance, problems that are barely recognized like DV and false accusations, absurd beauty standards people pretend don’t exist, the blatant misandry you’re not even allowed to fight back (I can at least use my token card if people accuse me of being a frustrated incel who resents women for rejecting me).

It’s a very harsh environment to raise a boy and there’s no way to shield him from all the negative messages out there. Some times they start in school itself, promoted by their very teachers, enforcing collective guilt as a part of the curriculum.

Der_Mosch · 2022-05-08T06:58:56+00:00

Congratulations! I'm sure you'll make a great parent, considering you are already working on ways to improve your son's live. That being said, I feel you may be showing overprotective traits. Don't worry about his eventual height, don't project your insecurities onto him. This is harder said than done - I know that very well - and you owe it to him to at least try. Don't try to shelter him and don't try to caution him against prejudice he might not even experience. It sounds a little trite, but love him, be there for him and if something happens, help him contextualise it. He will need to make his own experiences, draw his own conclusions und develop his own personality. It is your job to guide him towards compassion, love and curiosity. That includes the things that apparently have influenced you negatively - maybe he can also help you reevaluate some assumptions you hold? It's incredible how children can do that with very simple, direct questions. Be guided by love, not fear.

matrixislife · 2022-05-08T07:01:50+00:00

You can't protect him from misandry, all you can do is prepare him to deal with it in as reasonable and sane manner as he can manage.
As for the height thing, my dad was 5'8", as am I, my brother is well over 6 foot. So good food and plenty of exercise and see what happens.

YesAmAThrowaway · 2022-05-08T08:56:47+00:00

Some of this will be very obvious, but I'll be as detailed as I can for the sake of completion.

The advantage you have is your experience with your struggles and you can support your child in approaching life's difficulties with that experience in mind.

It is important that your kid has you as the safe haven to always turn to, whether it dropped a plate or made somebody trip and fall on purpose. You are both lawyer for the defendant and judge/jury, so both consequences and resolution might often have to come from you, sometimes simultaneously.

My mother mentioned the power struggle, how occasionally she had to deny us things, even when it made us upset, sad, angry and even cry. She wanted nothing but to make us happy whenever she could, but if she always gave us everything we asked for, we'd turn into Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (a good movie for parents, even as the remake). Small kids will not understand why you suddenly can't have that thing, can't do that and can't go there. It might be technically possible and affordable, but things in life often do not go to plan, and being resilient towards things turning out differently than one would like is something we have to face constantly, though of course spare all the kids from the harsh versions of this when possible.

Be an actively present parent. We all know the very apparent correlation between active parents and a child's psychological development. The more mature and positive role models there are in one's life, the more good behaviour and internal stability one will have later. Especially the relationship between the parents will significantly influence the way your son handles his future relationships and what partners he will seek to be with. Parents with an affectionate relationship, mutually constructive conflict resolution and such things will have a positive impact beyond imagination. My mother's parents always hugged and kissed tightly before her dad went to work and now she can't stop craving that closeness in a partner herself.

I have very limited experience, so perhaps a series of questions for you to think about yourself can help figuring out which approaches to take.

What could your parents not provide/model that you wish you had seen from them?

What did your parents do that impressed/inspired you?

What did your parents do that you'd criticise?

How does your parents' relationship compare to yours? Do you think you did the same things right or even found new great aspects with the person you're about to have a son with?

What can help you as a man, face struggles that are statistically more likely to affect you? What kind of characteristics, level of resilience etc. could help you cope? What would a person need to be like that makes you feel comfortable to be around and confide in when things get difficult? (E.g. what is it in your wife that perhaps makes her eligible for this role? There are many great things to discover in people you love.)

How much do you cherish the love you get? Send that same love to your son. I know being surrounded by love makes me feel warm, cuddly and happy. All can go wrong, but I know I am loved because I am enough the way I am.

Did you watch Sesame Street as a child? From old to new, that show seems to have so so many great messages for the kids watching it, just like the Muppet Show. A true blessing to kid's television. I enjoy these shows to this day with my whole family. insert Elmo laughter Tomatoes are an anytime food!

Are there things were you think your parents were too strict or too lenient?

Did you ever feel pushed to do something or were you able to explore and pursue your interests?

Did school ruin things like sports for you? What do you think could have prevented that?

And so much more...

Lustig_im_Lockdown · 2022-05-08T10:35:30+00:00

Check what you can do about height in terms of nutrition. While most of it is genetic, you can max out the potential here with good nutrition.

I guess a healthy nutrition is something thats good for every child.

ThunderClap448 · 2022-05-07T21:13:31+00:00

There's no right way to parent. Just do your best. That's all you can do anyways.

yv0qmn1ip7 · 2022-05-07T19:36:25+00:00

why did you have kids then

maxcorrice · 2022-05-08T03:57:27+00:00

For one, I’m taller than both my mom and dad, so don’t worry about height, and who knows he may prefer to be shorter like me (we’re about the same height actually), and if a girl wouldn’t date him based on his height then she’s not gonna be a good date anyways

Since you’re autistic, you may be a better parent to an autistic child, but I don’t think it’s very genetics based but who knows.

Best bet is to help him know that what the world says about men is wrong, always show he’s valued even when he’s done nothing, don’t pressure him unless it’s really really necessary, don’t try to “harden” him forcefully, just don’t shield him completely

Ornery-Surround3491 · 2022-05-08T16:16:23+00:00

Don't be afraid of future before even seeing it. We don't know the male beauty standards of the future and we might even get a height increase pill that actually works. Your son seeing his dad lost and disappointed will do him more harm than the everyday misandry that he might experience. There's a big chance that him not experiencing the bad things that you've experienced about your maleness and childhood.

And also having short parents increases the CHANCES of being short it won't guaranty it

Aedenvuur1 · 2022-05-08T16:41:21+00:00

When you give him the talk, you've also got to make sure that he understands that sex shouldn't be used as a standard for his success and that all the conventional wisdom the world is giving him about it is just a means to open him up to exploitation. This should preferably happen before he hits puberty and his hormones get the better of him. Also drill into him that he needs to be as picky about relationships as women are about sex and that society is built to make him feel insecure about the conditions he needs to fulfil to receive love and that those conditions don't apply to you and hopefully his mother too.

parahacker · 2022-05-08T17:18:29+00:00

Remember that you don't need a union to have your - or your son's - rights to collective bargaining protected, or acts by you to improve your lot protected under those provisions. All you need to do is go up to one colleague, discuss what you both do and what it's worth, and both present your case to the company together.

One. Other. Person.

Sorry if this seems sidetracked, I've been watching the committee hearings again :/ surprisingly addictive for something that's usually so intensely boring.

Anyway. Even if things seem bad, for you or a son, you still have rights. I wouldn't want a son either in this hostile environment towards men, but since it's the case, know there are ways - sometimes far more simple than we make them out to be, like collective action - to protect yourself and your son, and educate both yourself and him on what those options are.

Misandry, heightism, there are ways and ways. Which is not to say that these problems are ok, or that you should just accept them and cope. No, fight against them and also work around them.

Title	It seems I'm going to be the father of a son. Ideas on how I can protect him from the misandry of the world?
Author	Grow_peace_in_Bedlam
Upvotes	81
Comments	45
Date	May 7, 2022 5:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/ukigco/it_seems_im_going_to_be_the_father_of_a_son_ideas/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/it-seems-im-going-to-be-the-father-of-a-son-ideas.1115134 https://theredarchive.com/post/1115134

Comments