How to deal with thought of her and someone else?

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-07-25T21:52:43+00:00

> How to deal with thought of her and someone else?

You're allowing her to rent space in your head and it's time to evict her. You need to get over your Oneitis, and instead adopt an abundance mindset. She isn't one-in-a-million, she's one-of-a-million.

divorcedbp · 2022-07-26T00:08:25+00:00

When it occurs to me, my only thought is “that poor bastard, he has no idea what he’s getting into.”

ThrowAwayAccount__0 · 2022-07-26T03:08:02+00:00

I always tell people, the second the divorce shit stars, her friends are taking her out that weekend to get fucked. C'mon, we all know that's happening.

But yeah, what she's doing ain't my issue because I'm not going to fuck her anymore anyway, so what does it matter now

Guys get caught up in ownership for pride, and the reality is she was probably fucked better than you ever did before you guys met.

OP, take a listen to The Black Phillip show by Patrice O'Neal. It's on YouTube. He covers aot of this.

No_Zone_911 · 2022-07-26T15:56:24+00:00

All of us have dealt with this. There's a few concepts and you gotta internalize all of them. It boils down to "why do you care".

So Tyrone and Chad are tag team fucking her in the ass tonight. This only matters to you because secretly you want her back. If you take her back sometime in the future after that then she's been defiled and her value is decreased. Your value is also decreased because your girl lets herself get fucked in the ass by Tyrone and then you still accept her. You love her and think once she does that that it devalues you and your prior relationship. It does. You know all this so you hate the idea of it.

However, if you never take her back, her value is still decreased but just for the next guy, not for you. You don't take any hits. She's not even thinking about you during all of this anyway.

You, meanwhile, need to go fuck new chicks. Once you get your dick inside a new chick, you have done the exact same thing she has done. You are even. She hasn't won anything.

She hasn't disrespected you because she isn't yours... She is hers. She belongs to herself. She's someone else's problem now.

This is why guys on here cut to the chase and tell u to move on, never take her back, and fuck other chicks.

Another thing that bothers you is... Will she compare them to you and tell herself / realize they are better than you. That's why some guys on here jumped right to the "she's already had better".

Women are hypergamous. They tell themselves they are with the best they've had or rationalize why they aren't. Some dude out there fucks her better, has a bigger dick, gets her wetter, whatever. It doesn't detract from you tho. Just cuz some dude is richer or more jacked or whatever your hang up is.. it doesn't matter. It doesn't take away from you

If you were using her love and attention to validate yourself and now you don't get it anymore... I understand that. Look at it like this. You had her... You already got her seal of approval. Just cuz some other dude now gets her seal of approval doesn't mean you didn't have it before. Love yourself for other reasons than for what she thinks.

Or, in short, of course she will think the next dude is better than you. But he's not. So get over it.

On the other hand. You WILL fuck a hotter younger chick at some point. And when that happens, you've cucked her just as hard as she is cucking you now... Actually harder cuz none of these new guys are going to actually love her like you did so she traded way down at the end of the day.

So let's summarize: you didn't lose, you win. Doesn't hurt you for her to get fucked, she isn't yours and you are never taking her back.. it only devalues her. If you took her back that's a different story.. so decide right now that you never will. Yes she will tell herself Chad is better than you , but he's not. Go find hotter younger chicks to fuck immediately.

It will get better.

stacksmasher · 2022-07-26T00:44:50+00:00

You where not the first and you won’t be the last. Move on.

Xan-Diesel · 2022-07-25T20:53:02+00:00

This is a tough one and I get the impression all of us end up dealing with it differently. The concept that my kids Mother would end up being intimate with anybody other than me left my brain long before we were even married and then realizing it was coming (and then getting confirmation from her) was horrifying. I'm not sure I ever really developed a coping mechanism. It's been a couple years since she left to 'explore' her emotional affair and then became physical.

From what I remember I was more focused on doing everything I could to work on the marriage / our relationship from our side which mostly boiled down to working on myself. I had to accept the fact that it happened and was continuing to happen and letting thinking about it consume me wasn't helping at all. Knowing I couldn't do anything about it and then discovering I couldn't negotiate desire with her - coupled with the power of time - all eventually got me to the point where I didn't care or think about it anymore.

Interestingly the relationship I had afterward (dated a woman for about a year off and on) seemed to give me a much harder time abandoning the thought of her being with somebody else. In my ex-wife's case she's still with the same individual and knowing my ex-girlfriend has been with multiple men since we broke up seems more awful. Ultimately it doesn't matter and I know time (and surely meeting another temporary love interest) will help.

Gattsama · 2022-07-26T07:02:14+00:00

First, sorry you are going through this. Hope you and the kids are safe. It's tough because as you said you don't want this and you love her. She didn't cheat (with a human, if she's an addict her heart belongs to her drug of choice) or abandon you.

The issue is she's not yours. She never was, even without the drugs she is a free human. The goal should be to focus on you and the kids. She's going to do whatever she chooses and you can not control that. Step back and ask yourself why does her being with other men upset you. The answer is likely because she's yours and you see it as a break in trust. But that is a delusion.

She's not yours and the trust as already been broken. It's hard but you need to release her. There are 8 billion people on the planet and she needs to become just another person in the break ground / mix. Focus on being: mentally fit, emotionally fit, physically fit and financially fit. If you are living your best life you will meet and attract other women.

What you really need to accept, sounds like you already have, is that you can not live your best life and the kids can't either with this woman. If she's an addict she's going to crash and burn, you can't save her. It hurts but you need to release her and let her do what she's going to do...

Good luck and be safe

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-07-26T17:15:21+00:00

Guess what....you get to have your own fun with new partners too!

Feva130 · 2022-07-26T20:09:50+00:00

It’s hard, nothing anyone says will help. Those feelings will just slowly go away one day. I was out running the streets, going through girls like crazy thinking it would help, but I think the only thing that really helped was time.

Patriot0811 · 2022-07-25T22:40:44+00:00

Yes I can relate. My ex has been with a few guys I’m sure since she left. She went from maybe 6/10 down to a 4 or so at best post divorce. While I went from a 2/10 to a 7-8/10, and can pull most women from these dating apps.

But I still hurt. I chose her. She opened the door post divorce, and I shut it closed. Yet I still hurt. Think they call this trauma bonded. I miss seeing my kid regularly, I miss the unrealistic thought of what being with my ex would entail. It eats me up inside.

MillenialShift · 2022-07-26T01:37:42+00:00

In my case, we're catholics and we followed abstinence until marriage. It helped that we were in a 5 year long distance relationship (out of the 6 .. ikr..?? ) before we got married. Now, the thought of her with someone else does make me feel very sour but it is what it is... :(

SnooDucks2052 · 2022-07-25T23:15:47+00:00

What worked for me was imagining her getting g plowed by all the Green Bay Packers. After a week of those thoughts I was over it. It’s gonna happen just accept it. On a side note are you sure divorce is warranted because she has a substance abuse Illness?? I’m assuming the children were being affected.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-07-26T13:33:03+00:00

Sounds like she had you addicted to the P. Common technique of control. It is essentially the same thing as a drug addiction—your brain is flooded with chemicals.

Like kicking any hard core drug (and good P is THE hardest drug there is) you will go through withdrawals both physical and emotional. It sucks.

But you have to kick. And don’t go back to a different one thinking it will be different.

Ill_Exercise_8826 · 2022-07-26T15:41:06+00:00

There is other fish in the sea so to speak , ones that will appreciate what you bring to the table, and can also be better Fish because they can be trusted and will take you serious. When you say feels like forced you hand , it should be she is forcing you hand, the most spouses that want out will purposely engage in acts to get you to take action. She obviously is not taking you or the kids as the priority but her addiction. So yes get out , don’t worry about sex think of this way, you can go fuck some prime grade fish, that is going to be faithful, whoever fucks her will be getting some untrustworthy carp.

pyschoandie · 2022-07-28T03:14:15+00:00

I know dis isnt sumthin u asked but i do think dis will help 4 u 2 know. As an ex addict situations where 1 partner uses n the other does not only ends 1 of 2 ways. Either da non usin partner leaves or becomes an addict 2. Alot of time dat slipperly slope is started in sex. Baby itll feel better if u use kinda thing. So consider urself not only lucky but a man of strong character. Also u should know most drugs increase sex drive in sum way, so u should also accept da fact dat she might not have been intrested in fuckin u as much as she did more so u were da D available to her

Title	How to deal with thought of her and someone else?
Author	Session_Most
Upvotes	7
Comments	19
Date	July 25, 2022 8:26 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/w7zb46/how_to_deal_with_thought_of_her_and_someone_else/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-deal-with-thought-of-her-and-someone-else.1124850 https://theredarchive.com/post/1124850

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