Hey, new to this sub but came back to reddit looking for this specifically. I'm 38 and I have been married to my wife for 14 years. We have 6 children together and it hasn't always been easy but I never wanted a divorce.

About 4 years ago my wife began to act strangely, think strange things and say strange things. As it progressed it became apparent that she was having a mental health crisis. At first she was diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD. Last year she had an episode of psychosis and went to the hospital after I called the police (something I never believed I would do) where she was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I am a mariner by trade and have developed my career and family support economy around being away from home for 4 weeks at a time. This is becoming less feasible (realistically impossible) as her condition deteriorates. She refuses to acknowledge that her psychosis is simply a symptom of her condition because she filters it through the lens of religion and there is no shortage of religious people including in my own family that are happy to enable her. She refuses to commit to any kind of treatment. There really isnt any kind of treatment that reliably treats schizophrenia. Many of the side effects of the pharmaceutical treatments are unbearable.

I personally have a lot of confusion and shame. My identity was that of a man of principle and high moral fiber. I saw myself as a loyal husband and devoted father. The paterfamilias. The provider. These labels are becoming harder to cling to. I never would have left my wife before, but now that it would be most devastating and selfish, I can think of nothing else. My wife is unattractive to me. Sex is triggering for her and unsatisfying for me. She can barely offer support in the care of our children. I have to watch carefully that she doesnt traumatize our children by lashing out when she is triggered by something they say or do. Her presence disturbs me and puts me on edge. I have little energy to offer my children, or myself.

Last week, when I returned to work we had some time before sailing so I visited a strip club. For the first time in a long time I felt a sense of joy at a womans touch. A smile. Some light conversation. A little flirting. The shame I feel is negligible. Its overshadowed by a sense of loss. A realization of what my life has become and no obvious escape.