Men who grew up with physically present but emotionally absent fathers, hows life today?

gymbro718nyc2 · 2022-11-16T11:54:59+00:00

Oh my where do you want to start.

It was extremely tough. For the longest time I felt that I was the family member who didn't get respect and suffered mentally due to that. With age I have come to understand that the biggest problem wasn't not getting respect. It was that "I" had no respect for my father and therefore rejected men and by extension myself.

Due to my father's drinking, he was extremely unpredictable. He could be a nice guy one moment and a mean asshole a minute later after he had downed his first vodka. This unpredictability and meanness caused me to become the invisible child, trying to cause as little trouble as possible. My brother went the other way and he would always rile him up.

Needless to say this experienced caused me to develop self esteem issues at a young age that plagued me in my teens and early twenties. These were the issues that also caused me trouble with women and contributed to me ending up in relationships with some downright crazies (sex with a crazy woman is like crack though).

Thankfully, I started recognizing these issues and with the help of books like No More Mr Nice Guy and Cognitive Behavior Therapy I worked through them and resolved them. The biggest challenge was and still is in some cases, my reluctance to stand up for myself and confront others.

Due to my experience as the child of an unpredictable alcoholic who could get nasty and mean, I tried to avoid anything that would make other people upset with me. It has been a muscle that I've had to work out consciously. I've had to learn to face my anxieties of confronting other people when they have wronged me or disrespected me. This includes bosses, coworkers, strangers, service workers, family members and very importantly romantic partners.

With time the anxiety lessens. It hasn't disappeared completely, but at the same time whenever I feel it, it is a signal for me that this is something I MUST confront at all costs.

To add to the above, I want to make it clear that my father was an emotionally distant man. He was there physically, but after his first drink his eyes would glaze over and he was gone emotionally. Deep down he was a nice guy, a spineless dweeb who never stood up to my mom who just bulldozed over him. Needless to say, witnessing stuff like this at an early age sets up a pretty fucked up dynamic of how relationships should work. And as I mentioned above, for a the longest time I let the women in my life get away with murder and ended up dating some for years when I shouldn't have gone out with them for more than two dates.

jackedclown_1 · 2022-11-16T15:35:12+00:00

Haven't cried in over a decade, can't sympathise with weakness or what I consider small problems. All of my girlfriends before the current one broke up with me because I felt distant. I have never told anyone I love them, and I don't think I can. Can't talk about my feeling, without being drunk, and even then I can barely get it out. Sadness turns into anger, and most of the time I think I don't need anyone. I like, or even enjoy criticism but I can't take a compliment to save my life.

2022-11-16T14:33:45+00:00

My father was an older guy, he and my mother married with a 20+ year age gap, physically speaking he wasn't very useful, besides his age slowing him down he had arthritis and a few other issues that reduced his physical abilities. His main purpose was to just do all the management type stuff as he was good at it and to also drive the car around. He largely had me do any physical manual labour that would be too difficult for my mother to do around the time I was 13, but I was also made to do traditional male chores like mowing the lawn and so on.

In terms of how he was emotionally, he was quite distant, and I would say he was distant even with my mother, though I can never know if they were different with eachother when alone. He had an incredibly short temper, and would turn to screaming to get his way for all sorts of things, he didn't mind doing it in public either.

Over the years I had developed a sort of fear towards him, and I would try to prevent him from screaming largely by making jokes, knowing what to say to calm him down or just giving in to whatever it is he demanded right away.

I don't think of him as abusive, but part of me thinks he never got physical because of the condition he was in, he only on one or two occasions threw something at me, I don't think he ever had with my sister nor did he threaten to kick her out of the house as he had done with me multiple times.

As I got older I eventually came to become larger than him, at this point I became a lot more of a pain in his ass as all the fear was practically gone between the comfort of looking down at him literally and the desensitization that came with years of 'experience' haha. Keep in mind I didn't consider the size difference for some sort of fight or whatever, it was just a comfort you have with being a larger person. For example, women are scared to walk alone at night, and I never feel that way when I do it. Whenever I look at normal people I have this sort of confidence that this individual is not a threat to me, because I am much larger than they are. This doesn't work for larger guys obviously haha

My mother claims that his parents were very hard on him and that's why he was the way he was, they had done all sorts of stuff to him, even forcing him into an arranged marriage, he had two children in that marriage but ran off on them, he was about 18-22 at the time as our guess. I never met my other siblings until my father passed away and there was this fight over the inheritance they had sought to cut my mother off entirely and disregard her 25 year marriage. I think of my other siblings as a type of home invader, I don't consider either of them family and I despise them, even though things ended up fine and they "changed" course I still feel like my mother was wronged in the inheritance (she did get a share) it just wasn't adequate in my opinion for a spouse of 25 years.

My father was apparently a criminal that was involved in drug smuggling across international borders, supposedly back in the day they had no sensors or anything so once a shipping container was locked it stayed closed until it got opened up by the owner on the other side. Because of this, he would fill shipping containers with heroin from Afghanistan and would ship it to Italy where it would then be distributed throughout Europe. Apparently he was actually in Afghanistan during some revolution and he and his friends were trapped in the country eating nothing but bananas and some local version of Sprite/7up for a week haha

It actually seemed like he was a criminal up until he married my mother and slowly dropped out of that lifestyle once my sister and I were born. Though I had caught him when he sold his painkillers to a friend of his that we drove a couple hours to meet, it made me realize that as a family we were somewhat poor and he had to sell his pills to help us get by. I don't know if he ever murdered someone, but my mother claims she did see him with a handgun once.

Anyways, as a result of how he treated me, I would say that I became the social type to make a lot of jokes. Ironically, I'm an introvert because of my mother haha

KingWhoCared86 · 2022-11-16T15:32:41+00:00

I get by. My father worked a lot to support the family so when he came home he was always exhausted and rarely was able to spend the time he would have liked to spend with us. And when he finally retired, get got cancer a year later and passed away. So I feel like I never got enough time to spend with him. But like him I’m a serious workaholic because it’s the only time I feel truly in my element. Outside of that I think I have serious mental issues that I never feel capable of opening up to anyone about. My sister loves telling people I’m on the spectrum because I’m usually very quiet and reserve. But also, I seem to bottle up emotions because I try hard not to hurt peoples feelings but unfortunately I do end up exploding at trivial things when things get too bottled up. Never really had a serious relationships, just a few that ended with them cheating. I think I get super attached to things and when they go I take it really hard. This summer I found a rabbit in my back yard and was surprised it came up to me close enough to pet it. I thought about bringing it inside but it would scurry away. One day I came outside and saw that a cat got it and was playing with its body. I had an explosive outbreak and grab the cats tail and smacked it repeatedly into the ground. The fact i did that without any real thought or hesitation was the fight time I truly felt scared of myself. I’m taking to this girl at work I like and just started avoiding her because I feel like I don’t really like girls. I like some idealized version I somehow create and obsess over and get heartbroken when I realize they aren’t that fantasy. So now she keeps approaching me asking what’s wrong and I want to tell her to run away from me.

DerekMorganBAU · 2022-11-16T12:58:11+00:00

Perfectly fine because my dad gives good advice and we have similar temperaments

Our birthdays are one day apart and I joke that I’m the good Sagittarius and he’s the evil one. He’s more ruthless and extreme than me I’m very sociable and chill by comparison so we disagree on certain things

Regardless I remember telling my baby mama that if she had my dad she’d cry herself to sleep every night

Sometimes it’s about fit even with your own parents

Green-Quantity1032 · 2022-11-16T17:05:38+00:00

lol it's like you're trying to get biased answers.

People don't know if their father was "emotionally absent", they just feel bad and blame it on that cuz they've heard it somewhere.

Meanwhile other successful people who's father was "emotionally absent" didn't even know he was, they just continued with their lives thinking their father was regular or even awesome.

But ok, wanna play psychoanalysis games I guess this is just as good a place as any.

AutoModerator · 2022-11-16T10:57:08+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Historical-System972 · 2022-11-16T14:07:59+00:00

Pretty sucky, but I don't think having a more emotionally invested father would've changed much tbh.

I remember actively resenting my dad when I was around 12 or 13 and I started being bullied, and all he told me was "don't worry about it, just focus on school, that's what's important".

But in hindsight, what the fuck else was he supposed to tell me? "Well, son, you're ugly and autistic, you're supposed to by bullied by your social betters - it's the natural order of things."

I mean, that's the truth, but I doubt it would've made me feel any better. Parents can't really help you socially once you're past prepubescence. You're on your own from that point on and as a man you either manage to carve out a place in the social hierarchy - or you don't.

NikolaosTheGreek · 2022-11-16T14:53:22+00:00

My father even though present in my life was and still is a workaholic. I'm pretty sure he is a narcissist. Not diagnosed just from his entire attitude towards everything.

I'm writing this now as a 24 yo. Idk exactly when I realized my father emotional absence. I can only think around 19-20y maybe.

I never felt love by my dad. Even though I know he loves me. His hugs were always awkward. He was always cynical. He rarely asked how I felt. He never shared his emotions and sometimes felt like he was against me.

My relationship with him was friendly but never of a great friend. He felt like one of those friends you know if you catch my drift. I rarely hanged out with him growing up. Never enjoyed what he enjoyed and so we rarely spent time together even when he was free.

My relationship with him has grown to a better point as we now work together. We spend more time together and that helps me understand him more and vise versa. It's still awkward from time to time though.

As on how it affected me well. It made me cling to my mother a lot and it made me less open as a person about my emotions. As for my relationship with other men idk tbh. I don't see anything wrong but I'm the worst judge for that I believe.

My mom did a great job as a stay at home mother. Although I would only wish I wasn't her favorite. It gives me a flaw that I am still battling that I expect too much from her and she does from me as well. And also treats me like I'm her baby boy still.

Now about my mother's behavior towards him its complicated. It's his entire character that prompted her reactions, but at least his emotional absence probably didn't help in the fighting arguing and all that throughout the years.

As for a partner I have none at the moment.

PMmeareasontolive · 2022-11-16T15:59:44+00:00

I don't blame anything all on pops because both parents were like that. I guess you could say their way of expressing love was putting food on the table and a roof over your head. But there was never any word of encouragement, only criticism. It affects your confidence socially when you're younger and takes a while to overcome.

5_7pickup · 2022-11-17T01:50:40+00:00

Read my post history and find out yourself lmao

King-SAMO · 2022-11-17T03:28:57+00:00

Still rough in some ways, but that isn’t his fault.

Royal_Mcpoyle11 · 2022-11-17T06:21:06+00:00

Not great lol

SexPervert69 · 2022-11-17T16:19:06+00:00

Well I'm 28 and a virgin despite being tall and a 6/10 on looks... So like... Yeah it's not great, my dude.

BoneHurricane112 · 2022-11-17T18:51:33+00:00

My biological father was a violent alcoholic who I have seen once since I was 5-6. My mom quickly got married to another man who has been my step dad since. We were definetely closer when I was younger, but I guess we never got very close. Now that I am 22 it seems that the last 8 or so years I have grown very distant from him.

I feel like a terrible son and very much hate myself since this man had no obligation (besides my mom I guess) to support my family, yet he does anyways. I feel at this point I have no desire to really have any sort of emotional connection with him besides the fact that I feel I owe it to him. I feel like a complete financial burden and that I am not good for anything else. My step dad makes a lot of money as he is a vice president for a bank (it isn't insane amounts tho as I don't think it is a large bank). I genuinely feel like a terrible son.

He would also get mad about a lot of little things I did, he called me a loser recently during an argument, but I deserved it (he felt very bad about this). I always thought it was really weird how my friends almost treated their dad like a friend. I have a lot of respect for my dad, but I guess not the closest relationship. He has tried to reach out, but like I have said I am a terrible son, and I don't talk to anyone really it is not just him. Still, I don't even go downstairs when he is home. I hate myself for this.

I think if I would have had a better biological father then a lot of my current issues wouldn't be present. Yet here I am, a 22 almost 23 year old manchild still in college, skipping class today because I am useless. It is just another reason to hate myself.

Dingo_Top · 2022-11-18T03:29:25+00:00

Male social anxiety starter pack: Emotionally absent father, overly critical mother

Warm_Gur8832 · 2022-11-20T17:43:27+00:00

I simply try my best to not be like that after experiencing it myself. There’s not much else to it.

No_Speech_2309 · 2022-12-16T19:02:33+00:00

My mom was kinda violent so my first relationship was abusive in a lot of ways. My dad was never there so I didn’t know how to stand up to girls and would be avoidant. My relationship w men and women is fine, individuals may suck at times tho lol. My mom is a little negligent too but that’s bc she was raising us basically by herself so not rly her fault. I seek healthy relationships now although I am distrusting at first I can’t let my lack of trust in my parents define my life. People are just individuals

volkmardim · 2023-02-09T21:53:00+00:00

I'd rather have had no father at all, atleast then i may have grown up more mature

The_Thrymm_of_Profit · 2022-11-16T14:59:58+00:00

Great

Title	Men who grew up with physically present but emotionally absent fathers, hows life today?
Author	oneblackcoffeeplease
Upvotes	20
Comments	42
Date	November 16, 2022 10:57 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ywqemf/men_who_grew_up_with_physically_present_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-who-grew-up-with-physically-present-but.1140119 https://theredarchive.com/post/1140119

Comments