Statistically, what is worse: an abusive father or no father?

LivelyLychee · 2023-02-06T20:40:10+00:00

OP, we are unable to properly help you in this situation because as unprofessional internet strangers, we do not have the means to offer you continued physical presence and intervention in your life, which is vital for remedying abusive situations.

Please seek professional help. If you need me to help you find resources in your area, please don’t hesitate to let me know or DM the mods and I am more than happy to do so.

Post is removed.

undothatbutton · 2023-02-06T17:11:23+00:00

“The more frequent or intense the conflict, the more the child is hurt emotionally, and the more likely he or she is to become delinquent as an adolescent and violent as an adult. In fact, children who witness abuse are more likely to abuse spouses and children when they are adults than are children who suffer abuse themselves. One study indicates that children who saw their mother being abused, compared with those who did not, are 24 times more likely to commit sexual assault crimes, 50 times more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, 74 times more likely to commit crimes against another person, and 6 times more likely to commit suicide. These children are also more susceptible to anxiety and depression. Witnessing such abuse affects not only future behavior, but also present physical and mental health. Children with their mothers in shelters for battered women show a high incidence of health problems among infants and mood-related disorders among preschoolers. Boys have more behavioral “acting-out” problems, and girls tend to have more “emotional” problems (that is, they are more withdrawn and need to stay close to mother). Sometimes these young children are even suicidal.” (X)
Here is a resource on how violence against the mother impacts children.
- Here are some stats on single mother homes. Note that a lot of these outcomes can be mitigated depending on the mother’s education level/familial support/income.

Overall, both situations can be damaging in different ways, but living in a home with abuse is far more dangerous than living in a home without a father. A father abusing a mother is indirectly abusing the kids.

As for your fear of finding a step-father who ends up abusing your children, you do have control over vetting men you let in your life — and you will need therapy to heal whatever part of you missed the red flags in your husband.

I hope you get the help you need and do the right thing for you and your children.

LateralThinker13 · 2023-02-06T17:45:52+00:00

A man who physically abuses his wife will have other things wrong with him. And this is NOT a respectable role model.

That, and children do not respect a mother who lets the husband abuse them. Maybe as adults, but... no. Plenty of psychological studies about it. If mom can be abused, they can be, even if he never touches them. It creates an unsafe, helpless environment for them.

Plus, ya'know, abusers of all stripe are a huge red flag for a reason.

So no, staying with a physically abusive spouse "for the children" is not the right thing to do in most cases. Yes, I caveated that. If the alternative is destitution and starvation for you and the kids, you have to weigh pros and cons. One size does not fit all. But in MOST cases, if you can safely leave, do so.

red_Mercedez · 2023-02-06T16:42:32+00:00

Definitely an abusive father is worse .. by a girl speaking with very distance father :)

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-02-06T16:55:09+00:00

I think this falls under the umbrella of Too Tough for Internet Strangers. You really need to seek qualified help for your situation.

sunglasses90 · 2023-02-06T16:14:12+00:00

Staying is much, much worse. Staying teaches your children that women are weak and must accept abuse. It also teaches them that you’d rather do what’s easier for you even if it means putting their lives in danger which teaches them that they aren’t loved or protected by their mother.

There is no guarantee he won’t hurt these kids. If he’s willing to hurt you, he will hurt them if they piss him off enough and kids are stupid and hard to deal with sometimes. He will hit them. Eventually. And you will have to watch and know that it’s partially your fault and they’ll know that too.

Get out. Get support. Do you have a father? Any men in your family that you can tell about this?

Diamond-Breath · 2023-02-06T15:58:19+00:00

Abusive fathers are the worst obviously, if the man in the home is dangerous the mother has the responsibility to get out of the situation by all means necessary. I also believe that she should stay single until the kids are grown up, or at least do not let a strange man into the home by cohabitating with him.

Therandomderpdude · 2023-02-06T17:23:34+00:00

No father; if the mother is doing a good job.

There could be other male family members that can substitute the care and support a father could provide. Tho it is not perfect, but much better than abuse.

Glad-Improvement-812 · 2023-02-06T20:43:14+00:00

Anecdotally from personal experience, I left my abusive ex two years ago after struggling for five years with the fears of what a split family would do to my kids. In hindsight doing it when the abuse became apparent would have been much, much better on their psyche, even though the abuse was only ever directed at me that dynamic was so so toxic for them to bear witness to. The kids are so much more settled and easy. They bicker less amongst themselves and they’re less anxious & hypervigilant. They’re doing so, so much better in school. The younger two were given ADHD diagnoses during the marriage, and now no longer meet the criteria, that’s how much of a calming effect not being in a household full of turmoil has on them. I insist that their father has them regularly so they can maintain that relationship and only allow men around them that I’ve vetted as solid role models. I wish I hadn’t bought into the single mom = bad story, realised that the single parent stats were more correlative than causative, and left so much sooner, especially for my eldest daughter. As much as I can discuss with her how what she was exposed to wasn’t healthy or normal or a dynamic that was acceptable to her as a woman, I know that it will continue to take a lot of work to over ride those early neural pathways so that she comes out to adulthood with a better picker and strong boundaries. It is so terribly difficult to leave when you want what is best for your kids but I haven’t regretted it for a moment, and if being post wall and single for the rest of my life is the price I have to bear for doing so it is a totally fair sacrifice for providing them with a safer home environment.

angelicasinensis · 2023-02-06T17:33:41+00:00

Well I wasn’t raised by my dad, just my Mom- I would say that it was hard due to the fact that my mother was forced to focus on her career and money and as teenagers we had really no parenting- but other than having a disadvantage with having help to prepare for college/school and more guidance I feel like I turned out OK. I’m happily married now with 3 kids, we own a home and I’m happy I didn’t go for a career- I’m only 33 and could take classes in the future if I wanted. I would say from personal experience having no father is better than an abusive one. I think for boys not having a male figure is worse.

AutoModerator · 2023-02-06T15:54:26+00:00

Title: Statistically, what is worse: an abusive father or no father?

Full text: Has this ever been studied? I have read a lot about what a bad effect fatherless homes have on children’s outcomes in life, but I haven’t read anything about what effect fathers who abuse their wives have on children in terms of statistical outcomes.

I don’t want to go into much detail about it right now, but my husband has been seriously abusive of me. The point where I could no longer pretend otherwise is when he dislocated my jaw. But I’ve been afraid to leave him because our children are very attached to him and he hasn’t done anything to them. He targets me, but not them, and the worst things he doesn’t do in front of them. I am willing to do anything to give my kids a better life than the one I had growing up, even if it means staying with a wife beater. But I have to know what the actual numbers are in terms of which is worse, no father or a father who hits mom.

I grew up fatherless and it was horrible. My mom, in the process of trying to find us a stepfather, inadvertently exposed me to danger. Most of the men she dated were fine, but all it took was one bad one to completely derail my life. He sexually abused and physically scarred me in a way that I never recovered from. Unfortunately, I know a lot of girls this has happened to. I desperately want to shield my daughter from this type of thing ever happening, which is why I stay with my husband as long as he only targets me.

The risk of stuff like that happening is far lower when the father is biological, but I know nothing about what it means if the father is abusive and biological.

It feels like I have to “pick the lesser evil” but I cannot tell which one is worse in terms of the impact on children, between single motherhood and battered wifehood… some data would be helpful if it exists.

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Natural-Barnacle9353 · 2023-02-06T20:25:09+00:00

Have you considered that if you separate he could continue to be in their life as their father, but no longer your abusive husband? Is that a possibility?

There are many studies that show how damaging exposure to violence in the home is, there’s a very real likelihood that your children will later (however unfairly) blame you for continuing to expose them to that violence. It may not seem like it, but it will be making them feel nervous, scared and unsafe- all of those things are really bad for developing brains and nervous systems. As the children get older and begin to question or frustrate your husband (and he feels he can no longer control them) he may also become aggressive and abusive toward them.

However, leaving can be hard and scary- and it’s also the time when you’ll be statistically at the highest risk of him hurting you because he will feel that you’re leaving his control. Please reach out to a family or domestic violence service in your area and get their support to plan how to leave safely.

If you live somewhere like I do (Australia) they will be a great resource to support you and your children.

Joshlan · 2023-02-06T19:12:57+00:00

Through the shared experiences of my current & past friends, employees, & family members: (though is all anecdotal) I'd confidently say not having your father around is slightly worse than having an abusive father. For solely this reason: I've seen women in my life heal from an abusive father, but I've yet to see one heal from not having their father around. & btw the story is the same with men in my life who didn't have their father around vs having an abusive father. Note: I'm referring to psychically abusive &/or emotionally abusive, not just one of them. But that's just my take, and I wont pretend I haven't gone back-and-forth on my stance on the issue. Lastly: either way: a father around & abusive in 1 or more facets, or a father not around at all: its a tragedy either way & not something I would ever belittle the experience of.

Title	Statistically, what is worse: an abusive father or no father?
Author	starve-acre-1246
Upvotes	5
Comments	22
Date	February 6, 2023 3:54 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/10va0jk/statistically_what_is_worse_an_abusive_father_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/statistically-what-is-worse-an-abusive-father-or.1151737 https://theredarchive.com/post/1151737

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